If Castiel had had a female vessel since the beginning, Destiel would have been canon. And there’s not a single freaking thing about this that is not true!
You know it!
I know it!
They know it!
WE ALL KNOW IT!!!
Hey, Tink, could you make a list of the most Destiel(y) episodes?
Ooh, thats a kind of hard one because some of the best Destiel episodes don’t even have Cas in them (I’m thinking ones that expose canon Destiel as romantic, like Bloodlines or ones that expose Dean’s pining for Cas like Rock and a Hard Place or The Memory Remains…).
OK, so my top Destiel episodes with Dean and Cas IN them are:
4x07 - the UST and Cas starting to fall
6x20 - Obviously.
7x17 - Dean getting Cas back then protecting Cas from the truth even though he broke Sam because he wants to spare him pain and all of season 7 reminding us of Karen / Bobby is my jam
8x07 -Cas rejecting Deanbecause he has low self worth and doesn’t understand his own feelings
9x06 - Dean rejecting Casin 9x03 because he always puts Sam first before love interests and his own lifelong happiness (thank you Bad Boys), Cas beingheartbroken so the Rit Zein Angel comes after him just after Dean arrives on the scene, Cas not answering the question when he’s asked if he wants to live as an Angel or a Human, and the camera cuts to Dean, Dean longingly staring at Cas THREE TIMES, first as he arrives, as he goes off for his ‘date’ and forgetting to actually leave because he is so wistful, nearly asking Cas not to go in but holding back, because it’s Dean, that’s what he does, he doesn’t deserve this, he just literally rejected Cas himself, it’s not his place to hold him back now, he should let him go and then finally at the end… “always the adios…”
9x18 - I mean, its a meta episode, his name is meta-tron for a reason. He exposes that Cas is in love with “humanity”, please. Then this is nicely reminded for us by Amara in season 11 when she says that DEAN “represents that for (her)”. Thanks hun, you’re doing a great job exposing the Destiel, please keep going, oh ok wait, you did, for the whole of the season, then brought Mary back to continue the job, you’re a star ;)
11x18 - this is one of my overall favourite top top top Destiel episodes, I think maybe top two with 9x06. Dean exposing himself to danger from Lucifer and Amara to try and save Cas, Lucifer TAUNTING DEAN because if it! Amara USING it! Cas freaking lighting up when he realises he saw Dean and trusting his judgement… argh. Lucifer and Amara noting Dean’s distress and Amara then using Cas to get to Dean…. cos you know, the bro bond is much stronger than God’s sister :p
12x10 - Dean is Cas’ weakness. Dean is willing to let himself get hurt and or / potentially killed by Ishim to protect Cas - Cas is also therefore a weakness for Dean.
12x12 - Cas loves Dean and everyone knows exactly what his double clarification meant. Dean is angry at himself for causing Cas to be lying here dying. “Let’s go home” ARGH.
12x19 - Dean trying to tell Cas but he just isn’t ready yet, so he just gives him a freaking mixtape and acts like an angry spouse then a worried beyond belief lover throughout the whole episode and I’m so here for it.
Leading to 12x22 and 12x23 as the ultimate “why can’t we catch a break” moment as Dean just learns to accept the side of him that has feelings for Cas and he goes and dies on him and Dean ends up in a pretty catatonic unresponsive state and we have THAT to rest on for the whole summer.
Help me, this ship is canonically sailing full swing and I cannot pretend it’s not there right in front of me being shoved in my face, with it’s glorious billowing sails of love…
I’m guessing you can’t hear me squeal over your own squeals, but I’ll just keep at it a little longer, okay? Okay.
Man, this episode read like very good fanfiction, and while I’m disappointed Dean never found out Cas used to be a woman (although, they did have a conversation about that, so Steve gets points anyway), everything else was plain amazing. I’m actually tempted to do a recap that’s just shouting words into the void, because, seriously, that would be enough, but - okay, let me watch that thing again and then I’ll write a proper meta.
So, let’s get one thing out of the way: we already know why this story works so damn well, but it’s worth saying it one more time, because this is what the whole episode was about.
A human and an angel: not meant to be.
Ishim said humans are dangerous to angels, and I agree with him: if angels want to understand humans, to truly become friends with them, to live among them - well - look at what’s that done to Cas. Caring about humans is, apparently, different than caring about another angel; it forces you to give up something deep inside yourself. You become - weaker, unhappy. Doubt-ridden. Trapped between two worlds, and fit for neither. And as for humans - if they truly wish to get closer to angels - to speak their language, to know enough about their magic and weapons to be able help them when they’re in trouble or hurt - that literally costs them their souls.
It’s a tragedy. It’s doomed.
But, of course, it’s not completely hopeless. What would be the point of writing a love story if you know from the start nothing can never happen at all? No - love can conquer all, and this episode dangled it in front of us - the angel who chose humanity, who tried to defend the person he loved from his own brothers, and the human who was fascinated with angels and knew enough about them to make it work.
(They had a daughter, sort of, and let’s cry about that for the rest of eternity, because can you see it? Dean loves kids, and -)
Anyway. We’ve known for a while that angels - I mean, the price Cas paid for his loyalty to the Winchesters (his love for Dean) - that’s harrowing. But this idea that humans need to sacrifice their soul to become closer to angels - thanks for that, Steve. I’m fine.
And surely, at this point, there is no other way this could end? Because what Sam and Cas share - yeah, that’s what friendship looks like, but Dean and Cas - right. And so Cas went and said it (“You mean too much to me.”) and Dean just holed up in his room for the rest of the week? He never said a word to Cas? And, Jesus, Cas thinks Dean’s angry? At him? I’m glad this, at least, was spelled out clearly, because apparently some people still don’t get it and read Dean’s emotions at face value and no, Dean was not angry - he was worried out of his damn mind, and he’s got reason to be, because Cas still doesn’t fucking get it: “I don’t regret what I did, even if it costs me my life”.
The idiot - the useless, fucking idiot.
(“Smelly. Dirty. Twice the worry about getting ganked.”)
is sort of filling the huge hole that Robbie Thompson left in my heart when he
left. His last two episodes have been incredibly good, so I’ve decided to take
advantage of the motivation that has apparently come back to me. As usual, most
of the posts I write focus on the Dean/Cas relationship, so if that’s not your
thing, you will probably not like this. There are five things about episode
12x15 that I want to point out as relevant to me in regards to Dean and Cas.
relevant thing was that Dean’s the one communicating with Cas. Dean was talking
on the phone with Cas while Sam was doing the same with Mary. Of course, Sam had
to become Mary’s direct line of communication, mostly after he agreed to work
with the BMoL. And of course Dean was the one receiving updates of what Cas was
doing –both at the beginning and at the end of the episode. It’s exactly what
anyone would expect. I simply liked the visuals. For example, Dean’s and Sam’s
conversations were simultaneous the first time we saw Dean on the phone with
The second time, it was obvious Dean was the one making the call even if he had Cas on speaker.
I think these visuals reinforced the idea that when Cas isn’t at the Bunker, Dean keeps an interest in whatever he’s doing.
relevant thing was that Dean noticed something was off with Cas. Just as Dean
was the one who noticed that something wasn’t alright with Mary in episode
12x13, this time he noticed that something felt off with Cas, too. As I
mentioned above, Dean had Cas on speaker; that means both Dean and Sam heard
what Cas was saying. However, Sam didn’t notice anything weird, whereas Dean
did. The same happened last season when Lucifer was possessing Cas. Dean noticed
that something was off, but Sam dismissed Dean’s suspicions. Dean is very
perceptive with the people he loves.
important thing regarding the Dean/Cas relationship had to do with Cas’
conversation with the other angel in this episode. The other angel asked Cas if
he ever missed Heaven. He said that no matter how much he loved Earth, it wasn’t
home. Cas made no comment about it. Don’t you think it’s interesting that an
angel talked to Cas about home just three episodes after Dean Winchester
offered Cas to go home?
more interesting to think that both episodes were written by the same writer. Don’t
you think it’s also very remarkable that this angel used the words “family” and
“true family” to convince Cas to give himself a chance to be forgiven and
welcomed in Heaven? It was Cas himself who called the Winchesters his family
three episodes ago; it was Cas himself who confessed how much he loved them.
All of that
happened in an episode written by Davy Perez, so I’m pretty sure what’s going
on with Cas is on purpose, and I’m quite excited about it. I’ve spent more than
3 years waiting for the moment when Cas will choose the Winchesters (and by
that, I mean Dean) not because he has to, not to save anyone’s life, but simply
because he really wants to.
The fourth relevant
thing I need to mention is the fact that Dean thanked Crowley for saving Cas. Dean
Winchester thanking the King of Hell himself for saving Cas was something I
never expected to happen. I knew Dean was grateful; I just didn’t think he
would bring himself to say it out loud. For some reason that reminded me of
Benny. In season 8 we were shown that Dean learned to trust Benny because he
saved Cas. Dean never said it textually, but the subtext was very clear. This time
Dean used his own words to express his gratitude to Crowley for saving the life
of someone that means a lot to him. That was better than I could have expected.
The last thing
about the episode I want to point out is the foreshadowing we were given during
the conversation between Sam and Gwen. I’m perfectly aware that the lying part
Gwen mentioned was supposed to make Sam realize that lying to Dean was a bad
idea, and that was why Sam told Dean the truth about working with the BMoL at
the end. However, in this episode we had another person who decided to keep
information from Dean: none other than Castiel. Cas didn’t tell Dean that he
was going to Heaven to talk to Joshua, but Dean will find out sooner or later.
is that the relationship between Marcus and Gwen doesn’t foreshadow anything
good for Dean and Cas. Gwen is the one who survived, the one who felt that
Marcus loved her more than she ever loved him. The one question she asked
herself was: Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth? She lied even though she
knew everything was over, but why was everything over? I suppose it was because
of the long distance thing. What about Dean and Cas? Cas was tempted with the
idea of going back to Heaven. He lied to Dean (or at least didn’t tell him
something) probably to make things easier, just as Gwen. What can be more of a long
distance situation than going to Heaven while the other person stays on Earth? Is
it possible that season 12 will end with Cas going back to Heaven? (Of course,
even if that were the case, I’m sure it wouldn’t be forever).
might think that Gwen could be a Dean parallel. Truth be told, I thought about
that possibility as well, but I discarded it because I don’t think lying to Cas
is part of Dean’s arc. In this episode the one who had to leave was Gwen, so I
see her as a Cas parallel because it’s more logical to expect Cas to leave.
Nevertheless, I have to say that the “Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth?”
could apply to both Dean and Cas. Dean hasn’t told Cas his feelings. What if
Dean’s the one staying on Earth feeling that Cas loved him more than he ever
did and feeling guilty for never telling him the truth about what Cas meant to
him. This could be interpreted in both ways, and for some reason I consider the
two options too painful to bear.
the things about the Dean/Cas relationship that caught my attention from
episode 12x15. Dean is obviously the one communicating with Cas, the one
noticing that something is going on with Cas, and the one being thankful for
still having his angel alive. In addition, Cas’ arc about choosing to be an angel
or human isn’t over yet. He still has to figure out what family he wants for
himself and where exactly his home is. Finally, season 12 is foreshadowing more
unrequited love between Dean and Cas (or at least that’s what they both think) and
a huge chance that Cas ends up this season upstairs. This episode has a lot of layers to discuss,
so if I missed something, I hope someone else can write about it. All in all, I
appreciate the effort Mr. Perez is making to keep his episodes consistent to
the themes that are being developed. Now I’m looking forward to the rest of the
season that will probably make me suffer too much.
12x03 - 12x09 Dean is illogically pissy with Cas for teaming up with Crowley.
12x15 - Dean is illogically pissed that Cas is looking into Angel killings. Again.
Dean is believed to be Castiel’s weakness and mirrored as his love interest by Ishim.
Dean would rather put himself in danger from Ishim than risk danger to Cas.
Dean isn’t angry that Cas cares about them so much he put himself in danger, he is worried.
Cas says I love you while avoiding eye contact with anyone. The camera pans only to Dean.
Cas says I love all of you looking at Sam then finally a lingering stare at Dean.
The camera pans to Dean. His lip wobbles for the second time that day, the first being when Cas told him he was dying.
Dean threatens Crowley, Sam and Dean both risk themselves to try to save Cas.
Dean can’t watch Cas in his final moments and looks like he may even be praying.
Crowley saves Cas, looks to Dean and says ‘you’re welcome’.
Dean tells Cas they’re going home.
Mary is the reason Cas almost died. For the colt. Which she didn’t admit to when they were looking for a cure for Cas. Which Sam used to kill the Alpha.
Dean doesn’t know all this.
Cas leaves home ‘for the greater good’ and Dean is pissy about it. Again. Undertones of worry re: end of 12x10.
Meanwhile Dean thanks Crowley sincerely for saving Cas.
Bonus Dean focused 'things that are important’:
Dean canonically is underneath it all a sweet, soft man who is kind to Rowena, loves Disney films and cartoons, riding Larry, is up for 'live skinemax’ and is still a badass hunter even with no memories.
His facade has been coming down small piece by small piece all season.
We have heard NO(?) rock music since ‘Rock never dies’ - interesting metaphor.
Cas and Crowley are the only main characters who haven’t lied to Dean’s face this season.
Dean is an excellent lie detector and strategist and generally reads people very well…
This is like 4 episodes worth of stuff guys. This season is intense.
hey there, so i always wondered about the purpose of dean's church confession in 10x16, what the hell were the writers trying to tell us?
Well…. it’s a part of Deans whole storyline since the pilot - a component of the exposition that his 12 years of story that we have been watching is all emotionally driven, a character based arc rather than plot based, all centering around Dean’s journey to self acceptance and self worth.
It’s also in large part a part of my #performing!dean tag and I imagine every meta writer’s performing!dean tag as performing!dean is a large part of this arc, the deconstruction of which leads to his self acceptance and works alongside his self worth.
At this point in 10x16, Dean is realising that he doesn’t want to die, he doesn’t think he deserves to die…
Remember all Dean’s self hatred, all his self loathing and feelings of worthlessness from earlier seasons? Remember how he constantly put himself in harms way because he felt that any life, anyones, was pretty much more worthy of living than his own?
Well, that has changed by this point. He still cares for others and their lives in a massive way and will still put himself in harms way to protect them but it isn’t with the same nonchalance towards his own life, he isn’t actively thinking that his own life is worthless anymore…
Remember how, over the whole show but particularly since Hell Dean has grown, has evolved, not to change himself as such but to change the way he sees and portrays himself to others? How he has started up to 10x16 to let some of his guard down? How only 4 episodes earlier he admitted to liking and listening to Taylor Swift in front of Sam for example? How he has become more emotionally available with Cas since purgatory?
This is all part of the deconstruction of Performing!Dean and his emotional journey to self acceptance… Self acceptance is for me Dean’s whole arc since the pilot. It is with key points such as going to Hell, the introduction of Cas and more recently the introduction of Amara as the exposition but then Mary as her extension as the actual catalyst that we have come to the climax of this arc for Dean in 12x22.
There are moments throughout the show though that of course build to this moment and this is just one of them. The others being for example:
1x09: Dean walks away from Sam to call John about going back to their family home, facing the ghost of Mary, he breaks down and sobs into the phone, revealing that he is an extremely emotional person and family is his weakness but also his biggest focus in life.
2x11: Dean asks Sam why everyone assumes they’re gay, Sam tells Dean he is a bit butch and seems like he is overcompensating (gee, ya think?!).
2x13: Dean and Cassie: basically a huge exposition for the fact that Dean portrays himself as a give-a-shit lothario but when it comes to it he loves and he loves hard, he’s a gentle lover and fell in love with a passionate woman who only left him because she thought it was for his own good and what he wanted, they argue, they stare deeply at each other, they fight, because they care. Sam even tells Dean:
“What’s interesting is you guys never really look at each other at the same time. You look at her when she’s not looking, she checks you out when you look away. It’s just a… just an interesting observation in a… you know… observationally interesting way.”
I even did a gifset parallel with 12x19 of this episode cos dude, exposition much. She’s even called Cassie FFS *Tink looks into the camera*. gifset here.
4x01: Cas looking straight into Dean’s heart and seeing that he doesn’t think he deserves to be saved etc. leading to Dean then convincing Cas himself that they deserve to have Free Will, that they can save the world and they do by s5. *sobs a little at how beautiful this story is and it’s only 2 years in*
The whole of season 7: Dean is an alcoholic mourning Cas and worried for his brother then also mourning Bobby, feeling his life is worthless if he can’t save and protect his family.
MoC era:Dean loses what makes Dean Dean. He becomes hard, full of anger and pain, without the soft side. This is frightening and he would rather die than become like this.
Season 11: Amara is a complete exposition of Dean’s emotions, as I wrote it a few long posts about Amara, search #amara on my blog but here and here are the main ones. She exposes that he feels love but also shame, that he is holding himself back from something (add this to 11x11′s: follow your heart and all the heart / love themes of the early season right before Cas gets taken away and Dean spends the last half of the season desperately trying to get him back while Amara, all powerful being has to use Cas to get to Dean).
Season 12: Mary is the extension of Amara, she is the catalyst for Dean to finally face himself, all this has built and built to the point where, nearing 40 years of age he finally doesn’t want to sublimate anymore, he doesn’t want to hide. This post is my explanation for how Mary is exactly what he needed at this point, I think I wrote it mid season, but it was clear by 12x03 that this was her role and of course 12x22 was a great big wave hello and goodbye to Performing!Dean, another meta I wrote called “Dean Winchester is going to die” after 12x11 harked at the fact that this was coming and wasn’t it GLORIOUS?!
In his confrontation with Mary in 12x14 Dean essentially tells Mary that he thinks he deserves better, this is a huge deal for Dean - a HUGE deal for his self worth arc. He then in 12x22 addresses the fact that his upbringing wasn’t FAIR, that he didn’t cope well with it, that it has damaged him. He lets his wall down, he also literally blows down the walls of the bunker with the grenade launcher, the metaphorical taking down his walls, even Toni says it was a metaphor to hammer this home to us…
So yeah 10x16 is one of the key components throughout the years to show us that Dean’s story is all about his emotional journey to self acceptance of his softer side, the side that he hides by using the Performing!Dean facade, also he talks about people, feelings that he wants to experience differently to before or for the first time… make of that what you will but for me…
In 10x14 just two episodes earlier we have: Dean choosing Cas over Crowley (to give the first blade to) right after a deleted scene in which Crowley and Cas have a whole conversation about Dean being CAS’s boyfriend rather than Crowleys, and Crowley telling Cas that he is running himself into the ground trying to save him, also Cain paralleling Cas with Colette after telling Dean he knows him.
Not long before that we had the burger date where Dean asked Cas to take him out if he got really bad with the MoC then there was the episode where they were heavily paralleled with a married couple where the wife had to let the husband go for fear of killing more people I mean, not to mention the whole Demon!Dean arc where Cas sacrificed himself to save Dean, where Dean knows it and seems to be… clearing a space on his bed but Cas is pulled away by Heaven again, I love this visual metaphor, where then Destiel is actually brought up on screen in 10x05…. you cannot tell me that…
So yeah, this scene in 10x16 is just part of the overall exposition for Dean’s emotional journey throughout the show, it’s a part of the intricately woven pattern of Performing!Dean and Destiel that alongside other aspects of his journey make up a large part of Dean’s overall self acceptance and self worth arc, with the Performing!Dean side climaxing in 12x22, we are just waiting for the second part now…
“You should respect your limits, Y/N.”
Characters: Sam, Dean, You
Pairings: Dean x reader
Summary: After you went on a hunt alone, you get hurt seriously but didn’t care, because you wanted to proof Dean and Sam that you can take care of yourself.
Warnings: none, fluff
Word count: 2206
loud ring tore you out of your sweaty sleep and you flinched, opening
your eyes and throwing your arm next to you on the other side of the
bed, searching for your phone. As you pushed the blanket away, you
felt the arching pain that drove through your whole body.
Hello?”, you muttered into your phone as you picked up.
where the actual hell are you?”, a familiar voice spoke on the
I slept well, thanks, my day was great, Dean”, you said and rolled
your eyes, trying to lift your upper body from the bed and
suppressing a painful wince. “I’m in a motel in North Dakota, the
hunt was longer than I thought and I was too tired to drive back”,
you then explained and turned on the light on the nightstand next to
you. The small room with the yellow walls and the brown furniture was
now visible again.
mean you were too injured?”, he said, his voice way calmer than
before. You remained silence for a second as you stood up from the
huge bed, afraid of making another painful sound.
I was just tired. How late is it?”, you then asked and walked
across the room to the bathroom, supporting yourself everywhere you
2:10 AM. I was waiting for you to come back.”
mean you watched porn again?”, you answered and grinned a bit,
closing the door behind you and immediately seeing the tired, bruised
and a bit blood strained reflection of your face in the mirror,
before you turned your phone to loudspeakers to lay it down.
I didn’t!”, Dean then said rapidly.
laughed a bit half hearty. “I’m home in a few hours, honey.”
careful while driving”, his soft voice resounded through the
Ok, so we all know how one of Dean’s aliases has been “Agent Novak”, referring to Cas’s vessel, Jimmy Novak.
But I don’t think anyone’s ever talked about how Dean has used “Agent Collins” on more than one occasion(Don’t quote me on that, it could have been only once and I’m just imagining things.). And we all obviously know how Misha’s last name is Collins.
At first I thought it was a cute little coincidence, and I was about to write it off as me just making connections that weren’t there. After all, Dean has no idea who Misha Collins is, why would he, right?
In the episode “The French Mistake” the boys were put into a world where they were Jared and Jensen. Who could forget? But the point is they went up to Misha, mistaking him for Cas.
And I’m almost positive that at some point, Dean eventually found out that aternate universe Cas dude’s Misha’s full name was Misha Collins. See where I’m going with this?
So is it just me, or was that alias intentional by Dean to get closer to Cas in one tiny way without him knowing? Or maybe it was his subconscious trying to tell him he’s in love with Cas.
Hi! :) I recently watched 5.20 again, in which the relationship between Crowley and the boys is more explored. Upon hearing some interesting dialogue, I did a mini head tilt at the blatant sexual innuendo between every male character and Crowley in that episode, which leads me to ask: do you think Crowley is bisexual, or just uses this as a defense mechanism? Curious to hear what you think! :) this would definitely change the way I perceive Demon!Dean and Crowley's interaction later on.
Well, it’s heavily implied that Crowley is at least Bisexual if not Pansexual (in s11 he had an orgy whilst in a woman’s body with another guy and two women and had sex with the female demon in s10).
On top of that there are massively continuous insinuations that Crowley and Dean had a sexual relationship during the Demon!Dean era.
Crowley called it his bed when Dean had sex with Anne-Marie, the implication being that Dean felt comfortable enough to use it, because he had already done so with Crowley (the scene was played out like an openly sexual couple).
Crowley implied that he and Dean had done “extraordinary things to triplets”:
Which, if they were female would still mean Crowley and Demon!Dean got jiggy with each other as well as the triplets, let alone the fact that the only people we saw that were anything like potential triplets were the 2 male twins plus an additional guy who looked very similar in the background but was too far away to tell for sure but the twins and Crowley were also seen talking to each other another time in the same episode while Dean was singing, all watching Dean…
Meanwhile, their “break up” was EXACTLY coded as a romantic break up. Whilst their “getting together” was coded as a romantic getting together, with Crowley saying he was Dean’s mistress…
Later Crowley continues to allude to his time with Demon!Dean, making Dean very uncomfortable and looking like he wants to erase every part of these memories from his brain every time…
I mean THIS scene:
Is the most uncomfortable “thanking your ex for saving your boyfriend” scene… and then Crowley has to go and make it even worse, because that’s what Crowley does, he’s bitter so he plays it off by reminding Dean that he has “rubbed off all over you”… Dude. Please.
And how as a bi!dean fandom do we not talk about THIS MOMENT more often?!
“…well, you could…”
I mean… it’s crude but it gets the point across… Crowley knows from experience.
And then, think of all the times Crowley and Cas are portrayed as Dean’s opposite romantic interests, the “love chevron”, how Crowley saves Cas for Dean because he knows doing so is the only way it can work in 10x03, how Crowley and Cas “fight” over who is Dean’s boyfriend in the deleted scene of season 9 and 10, with it being made clear in the same episode as one of them (10x14) that it is CAS that Dean chooses. How after that Crowley is pretty bitter… just saying.
Do you think that if Cas gets the choice between staying an angel (powers, mojo, wings, everything) or staying human (if he were to become human again at some point), and if he chose to stay an angel but remain on Earth (I'm not saying that this would happen, it's a hypothetical) could his endgame still happen or will it only happen if he was to become fully human? Could he remain on Earth, be mostly human but still have some angel aspects (earth angel, if you will)?
Well, for me personally his endgame is to be Human because of all the lead up to him loving Humanity etc but mainly it is the whole heap of moments in seasons 9 - 10 especially that point to the fact that he WANTS to be Human.
In season 9 he becomes Human and it is jarring, painful, awful until he gets to the bunker, then he feels happy, safe and smiles so brightly… THIS is what he wants.
Of course this doesn’t last long, so his experience of being Human isn’t even a GOOD one, but he still wants it again as proved by his actions and words afterwards…
He tells Sam in a clear exposition that he misses being Human (and what the PB&J represents for him):
Then when Cas thinks Dean is dead he cries upon hearing it, then tells Hannah “I just wanna be an Angel”. Because he wants his emotions to be dulled, as he later says to Hannah herself:
…they’re dangerous temptations.”
HE KNOWS THIS BECAUSE HE HAS EXPERIENCED THIS.
He wants to be an Angel again because he thinks there is nothing more for him on Earth, Dean is dead, his emotions are so painful, his family is destroyed, he just wants to help the Angels, his other family (because he still views them as such until season 11), as much as he can and hopes to feel less pain in doing so. At THIS point he thinks that being an Angel is better than being Human, because feeling nothing is better than feeling pain, you don’t get the highs but you don’t get the lows.
So this takes us to Hannah and how Cas changes his mind moving forwards (yes, it also has a lot to do with Dean, but it is not all just Dean) …
Hannah is an exposition for Cas’s emotions and feelings.
There are various characters that are expositions over the years for our protagonists feelings, for Cas they are Anna, Hannah and Chuck, for Dean it’s Amara, Lisa & Ben, Charlie, Mary, all the waitresses etc, Sam’s is Amelia, Sully, Ruby for example.
In this difficult time where he is trying to save his brothers and sisters and Dean, where he is half Angel and… well still half Human in a way, one foot in Heaven, one on Earth. There are SO many instances where Hannah shows us that Cas wants to be Human in the end…
Cas: “Perhaps I’ve been down here with them for too long. There’s seemingly nothing but chaos. But not all bad comes from it. Art. Hope. Love. Dreams.” Hannah: “But t-those are human things.” Cas: *looking wistful and downcast* “Yes.”
He is wistful not just for Humanity, but for HIS Humanity, to be able to experience it for himself again… This is in the same episode that Cas defends and tries to save the 2 fishing Angels who just want to experience and love Humanity, because he GETS IT. Yes, this is also a potential for him to be an “Earth Angel” but it also shows how he would likely be hunted if so and also this fantastic exchange:
Cas: “Do they – do they put up much of a fight?”
Daniel: “The ones who truly want to be free? They do”.
Cas literally quotes Dean to Hannah about being “fine” then they talk about why possibly Cas would go to help Dean when he is in such bad condition himself (duh), Hannah literally then replicates CAS’s feelings of worry and putting himself out for DEAN in her interactions with worrying and putting herself out for Cas AND IT COMES ACROSS AS SO ROMANTIC IT MADE EVERYONE LOSE THEIR SHIT THAT THEY WERE GOING TO MAKE HER A LOVE INTEREST FOR CAS, LMAO I CANT EVEN!!!
OK, there is loads more Hannah / Cas stuff that is about Dean, but you didn’t ask about that, you asked about Humanity ok, so… this seems like it’s about Dean, but bear with me, it’s also about how he wants to be Human and not an Angel anymore…
THEN the most important one, in 10x18:
In the moment he gets his OWN grace back, this is the moment that he completely rescinds his Humanity and in this moment he says:
… Let himself die”
This is him considering that he is sacrificing himself, he sees this as a DEATH. Becoming who he now IS NOT, who he doesn’t want to be.
And why does he do it? TO SAVE DEAN. Yes also to help put the Angels back in Heaven etc etc but earlier he told Hannah that he WOULD NOT go to Metatron to get his grace back, so what changed his mind?
Metatron was in Heaven’s jail, then made powerless, Hannah is restoring Heaven, THE ONLY ISSUE THAT MEANS THAT CAS NEEDS HIS GRACE BACK IS DEAN.
In 10x14 Sam told Cas that he is secretly worried for Dean, we also have the burger date where Dean asks Cas to take him out if he turns again…
SO CAS SACRIFICES HIMSELF TO SAVE DEAN. HE, IN HIS PERCEPTION, DIES FOR DEAN.
If he is saying that he is killing himself, dying in this moment, it’s because it is not what he wants.
These emotions, feelings, they’re dangerous temptations… and Cas knows this first hand.
Cas has become so Human, even with his grace (though diminished) he is like Legolas, slowly becoming more and more Human by living in their world alongside them… falling in love with Humanity and one in particular, who happens to represent Humanity of course, cos its a TV show and narrative parallels and tropes exist…
Of course there is also the whole mortal / immortal love thing where he will need to become mortal or Dean will need to become immortal for it to work, but that is also kind of a side point, as the whole point of their love and relationship is that it exists because they are an endgame and reward for each other and that they aid each other towards their own personal endgames.
So yeah, Cas’s endgame for me was always about loving Humanity, and since he experienced it for himself I believe he misses it and would now choose this if there wasn’t a big bad to kill or that he would be needed as Sam and Dean’s protector. Since this time he has been lost, depressed, unknowing of his place in the world precisely as he is trying to be this “Earth Angel”, it just doesn’t work for him to be half in and half out…
It is therefore really important that Dean said the words out loud to him this season that he IS NOT their babysitter, he is wanted rather than needed, he is family rather than a guardian angel or a tool. THIS, leading into endgame…. *happy sigh for Cas*.
It just also happens to be that for me when Cas was Human is also when he realised he was in love with Dean, but his Humanity arc does not solely revolve around Dean, it is also everything that the PB&J represents. Art, Hope, Love, Dreams….
That is why I believe this is where it is leading and why this is what he wants.
Dean Winchester leaves his home town of Lawrence for a road trip without a clear goal or direction. When his beloved car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, the handsome tow truck driver, Cas saves him. Dean is on his way again a few days later, but he can’t get that quirky guy with his blunt honesty and those deep blue eyes out of his head. He soon learns that to find the right way, you sometimes need to turn around.
“Thanks Cas that you bring me here…couldn’t you choose a dry night? ”, you said into the rain and shook your head. You had to find a roof to get under and you knew where you would find one.
You knocked on the door and a very tall person opened up. You went past him into the not-so-nice motel room.
“It is raining like hell outside. Do you have any towels?”, you asked looking around in the familiar room.
“Uhm…excuse me but…”, Sam started and Dean finished his confusion with pointing a gun to your face.
“Who the hell are you?”, the green eyed one asked you and you would have loved to kiss him but it was impossible.
“Oh, my bad.”, you laughed and wanted to grab something from your bag.
“Don’t even try.”, he growled and stepped closer.
“Easy boy. It is just a silver flask full of holy water. See..”, you opened it and poured some over your hand.
“No Demon or Shifter. Do you guys have some soap, so I can prove that I am not a Leviathan?”, you asked and looked into their confused faces.
“Well I think you guys are like…shocked…or something. So I’m going to hop into the shower and it would be nice if you could gather yourself together until I’m done.”
You were drying your hair with a towel when the brothers came into the bathroom.
“So? Are you a hunter?”, Sam asked and looked at you.
“Yeah…you can say that.”, you said smiling to yourself and threw the towel at Dean who catched it.
“So what are you doing here if you don’t mind me asking?”, Dean said with a sarcastic smile on his face. You knew his skin was crawling because he hadn’t everything under his controll.
“To clear things up. I’m from the future. I know you guys. We are kind of close but I can’t tell you more because otherwise I would change the future and that would end like Balthazar unsinking the Titanic.”, you explained and waited till they processed it all.
“Why do you know Balthazar? He was way in the past…Who are you? Some kind of freakin’ God?”, Dean is the first to ask.
“Cute but no. I’m not a God. I’m a normal human passing through time. And my name…Let’s see…how about…Brenda? I think that is a cute name.”, you named yourself not wanting them to know your real name. They would look for you and find you if the wanted.
“Why are you here?”, Sam sat down on the bed. Dean was still staring at you. You loved this Dean. He was so much younger and with less demons. Literally.
“Well…you remember the Pheonix you had to kill to get to its ash? I need something which apperantly only exsists in this year and you guys destroy it in your hunt tomorrow. I need that thing to save a loved one back there. Well not back, further? Whatever you know what I mean.”, you explained and looked Dean in the eye. You remembered the last time you saw him. He wasn’t himself. He hit you, was about to kill you if Sam and Cas wouldn’t have been there. But he hasn’t been himself. Now Sam had found a cure but you needed this bone which they destroyed in the past becuase it was used to fullfill bad wishes. You had to stop that and take it with you.
“Who is it?”, Dean asked and his voice was calmer now. Carefull even.
“My husband.”, you were safe to say that.
“Oh…”, you could see disappointment in his eyes and you had to laugh.
“Can’t hit on a married woman right?”, you laughed and Sam chuckled.
“Well technichally you are not married yet.”, he defended himself gave you his flirting smirk but you knew that he wouldn’t try.
“Anyways…we got stuff to do so I get that damn thing before you dumbasses destroy it.”
It was the day after and you had half an hour left. You were in the middle of the fight with five witches who happend to be using that bone. You could hear Dean making jokes about that. Apperantly the job turned out bigger than you guys thought because it wasn’t just the witches who were after the item but demons also.
You just slit the throat of one of the red headed witches when someone grabbed you from behind and tried to strangle you. You kicked and scratched him but he remained unimpressed.
“Let her go you bastard.”, Dean yelled pointing a shotgun at the thing behind you. It kept getting more difficult to breath and your heart pounded in your chest.
“Well isn’t this cute. You shouldn’t have come here dear. I maybe dead in the future but I’m not in the past. You should have known that because you were the one who killed me! Now little Dean has to watch you die before he even gets the chance to bone you.”
“Anster.”, you said the demons name out loud and roled your eyes. How could you forget him. Damn it.
“The one and only.”, he said in your ear and yo felt your skinn crawl.
“Let her go or I’ll shoot.”, Dean threatend him but that was not wise of him.
“Shoot and I’ll slit her throat and you won’t be able to build your little family with her and stay forever alone. Well I could just destroy the bone and you would destroy your love by yourself. I like that.”, Anster said and you could hear his grin in his voice. This bastard was about to ruin everything.
“What is he talkin about?”, Dean said and was obviously confused. But before you could answer you felt something sting into your back and heard Anster screaming his lungs out. His body dropped to the floor and you turned around to face Sam with a bloody demon knife in his hands.
“I hate demons.”, Sam said and looked at the body on the ground.
“Copy that.”, you answered and grabbed the bone from Ansters dead body.
“Well. I got to go.”, you said so you could go before Dean could dig in way too much.
“Hold on there walkin future. What was the demon talkin about? Why would I destroy my love if I had one. That’s insane. And what would you have to do with it?”, you heard Dean say with the serious voice of his.
“Don’t worry about that. You’re not doing anything.”
“Wait! Am I your…”
“Cas! Time to go!”, you cut him off shoutig before he could end his sentence.
“Cas?! He is behind all of this? Hell no…” He came straight at you and grabbed the bone from you. Apparently Cas and Dean were not on good terms in this year.
“Your not going anywhere before you tell me.” You panicked immidiatly and looked to the clock. You had ten minutes.
“Dean give it back. I’m serious. I won’t be able to come back again and then…”
“Who are you?”, he yelled and you winced.
“Tell me who you are or I swear to god I will destroy this thing and you won’t be able to save your husband.”, he groweld and squeezed your armes.
“I would have to kill you for that because you are my damn husband you Asshole!”, you bursted out and shoved him back.
“I did this to you?”, he asked out of nowhere and reached out for your face where you could still see the bruises demon Dean left. He got you really hard with the one punch but neither of you mentioned the bruises until now.
“Technichally yeah. But it wasn’t really you. Look this is already too much information I got to go to my time as fast as I can before we change the future.”, you changed the subject and reached out for the bone. But dean pulled you in a kiss instead and you realized how much you missed his soft lips against yours.
“Kick me in the ass when your back home. You don’t deserve this. And when you save me I promise I will take you to Venice and we will have a hot honeymoon.”, he whispered against your lips. You chuckled and heard the clock hit 12 o'clock.
“I’ll save you. I will always save you.”, was the last thing you could say before you felt Cas pull you back. You woke up in the panick room on a bed not far away from the demons trap where Dean was sitting on a chair tied to it.
“Welcome back sweetheart.”, you heard him say and your heart ached. You still felt dizzy but stood up anyway.
“What happened? Did you get it?”, Sam asked and hurried over to you.
“Yeah. Anster showed up and was about to blow off the whole thing but you killed him.”, you sighed and handed him the bone so he could do the ritual.
“Oh honey. Was I rude to you back there? See, it is not because I’m a demon. You just deserve to be treated like that.”, demon Dean said and you looked into his black eyes. You hold on to the words from past-Dean and smiled at him.
“Actually baby…Dean kissed me and told me to kick your ass. Even you wanted to kick yourself.” You stepped into the demons trap and put your hand on his shoulder.
“And after kicking your ass…We’re going to Venice…You have to keep your promises.”
You sounded pretty confident but inside you wished that this ritual would work because otherwise you had to start from zero again.
GUYS we need to talk about 9x23. Not coincidentally the episode in which Metatron calls the story he’d been writing “a marvelous story, full of love and heartbreak and… love”.
The end of season 9 is also Metatron’s equivalent of the end of season 6 and 7x01 for Cas - both harnessing power to become “god”, both going among people to act as god (discovering that Metatron’s actions were dictated by jealousy towards Cas all along sets a curious light in his actions in s9…) and I’m sure there’s more to 9x23 and the whole “season 6-7 redux” that is happening now, but for now I’m going to focus on the last parts of 9x23, because that’s where Crowley comes in.
In 9x23, Dean gets fatally wounded by Metatron. Tells Sam, “Sammy, you got to get out of here before he comes back”. Sam hushes him, says “Shut up. Shut up. Just save your energy, all right? Oh, man. We’ll stop the bleeding. We’ll… we’ll get you a doctor or… or I’ll find a spell. You’re gonna be okay.” Sam tries to stop the bleeding, Dean stops him: “Sam. Hold up. Hold up. I got to say something to you […] I’m proud of us”.
In 12x12, Cas gets fatally wounded by Ramiel. Dean tries to dismiss the gravity of his condition, says he’ll be okay, that there must be a cure. Cas gives them a dying speech, telling them that they are his family and he loves them, and tells them to run before Ramiel gets back… sounds familiar? Alright.
In 9x23, in the meanwhile, Metatron gets back to heaven and confronts Cas about breaking the angel tablet: “the Angel tablet, arguably the most powerful instrument in the history of the universe, is in pieces, and for what again? Oh, that’s right - to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”.
So an immensely powerful weapon gets broken, despite how useful it could have been for cosmic purposes… because of love. And in 12x12?
Of the magnitude of Crowley sacrificing a weapon able to kill Lucifer, many words have been written already. Let me add something else…
At the end of 9x23, Dean dies because of Metatron’s stabbing, but the Mark of Cain revives him. Just as Crowley had figured, putting rumors and clues together: “there is one story about Cain that I might have… forgotten to tell you. Apparently, he, too, was willing to accept death, rather than becoming the killer the Mark wanted him to be. So he took his own life with the Blade. He died. Except, as rumor has it, the Mark never quite let go. You can understand why I never spoke of this. Why set hearts aflutter at mere speculation? It wasn’t until you summoned me… no, it wasn’t truly until you left that cheeseburger uneaten… that I began to let myself believe. Maybe miracles do come true.”
In 12x12, Cas is moments away from dying, but Crowley’s gesture saves him. In Dean’s case, things don’t go exactly in the same way, but Dean is pretty much saved by Crowley from the death imposed on him by Metatron’s strike: Crowley has made him get the Mark of Cain in the first place, which keeps him alive. So, basically, Crowley is the reason Dean gets revived: it’s Crowley’s knowledge of demon things that made him bring Dean to Cain, get the Mark, and eventually not die of the wound inflicted by Metatron. In 12x12, it’s Crowley’s knowledge of demon things, his meeting with Ramiel, that lets him figure out the solution. (Then again, both Dean and Cas gets fatally wounded because of Crowley in the first place: Dean goes to kill Metatron because the MoC+First Blade combination is the only thing that has a chance to kill a powered-up Metatron, Cas almost dies because Crowley gave Ramiel the lance to begin with. But Crowley couldn’t really foresee that one.)
Crowley’s “saving” Dean through the Mark of Cain and Crowley’s saving Cas by breaking the lance have so much in common and yet are so different.
Love is behind both actions - having Dean get the Mark and prodding him to put himself in danger and get killed so that he’d become a demon, breaking the lance, and yet in 9x23 Crowley is acting on selfishness - he wants Dean for himself. He wants Dean to be his consort on the throne of hell. He disregards Dean’s feelings and wishes.
In 12x12, he acts out of selfishness. He knows nothing will come for him in saving Cas - only saving Cas. Saving Dean from the heartbreak. He does it for Cas, of course - he cares about Cas - but he also does it for Dean, the one he loves. He knows he can’t have Dean, but his love has become selfless enough that now he chooses to save the person Dean loves, knowing he probably won’t even get a thanks for it. Dean has broken Crowley’s heart but Crowley won’t let Dean’s heart break. Crowley has become selfless.
Miracles do come true, and they happen when you fall in love.
While we’re having season 9 feels, let me add this - Cas has changed from his “angel’s angel” self thanks to Dean. Crowley has changed from his “demon’s demon” self thanks to Dean. For both of those two… Colette is Dean. Speaking of which: long ago I was planning on writing a meta about Abaddon as an allegory of the doubt of not being loved the way one wishes. Seems awfully fitting now. Stay tuned.