carton of milk

There are some weird advertising characters out there. This is one of them: Darigold milk during the mid-1980s was putting Milkwalker, a pint of milk with arms and legs (and rather scary ones at that) and huge soul-gobbling eyes, on its boxes with tips on how to live your life safely. Those hinge knees, man.

I’ve found no origin story, no other record of his being a thing that answers any questions about what Darigold was thinking and how long he was (to them and the schoolchildren who saw him daily) a thing.

My favorite Shady/Illegal tips

*If you don’t have a stamp, reverse your destination and return addresses. The post office will deliver it to the return address for free

*One bag of garbage from a McDonald’s dumpster has hundreds of receipts in it, each of which has a survey. Submit each one for lots of free food

*Holding a cell phone to your ear justifies loitering. This aids in public urination, dumpster diving, stalking, trespassing, etc

*If you’re going to plagiarize, plagiarize something in a foreign language. Use a translator and spend a few minutes touching up the results.

*If they have free refills, save your cup. Next time you eat there, your drink is free.

*A plastic coffee stir stick can fool any push in coin acceptor that loads the coins on edge. Just insert stir stick, push the mechanism forward until you feel the stick hit a bump, push the bump down with the stick and push the mech all the way in

*If you look like you know what you’re doing, no one will bother you.

*When lying, always include something slightly embarrassing, or something that makes you look bad, as part of your story. It’s not only going to disarm their skepticism (admitting to something embarrassing gives an impression of humility), but even if they remain skeptical, they’ll be left wondering why you would make something up that you’d rather keep secret if it were true

*Using Clorox or any bleach will turn the red/pink liquid detection dot on electronic devices back to white so they replace them under warranty

* “A drug dealer in DC taught me to pick my nose if the police are staring at me. No one picks their nose if they think someone is watching them, so it’s the ultimate way of being nonchalant.”

* "I learned that you can get into almost any special event by wearing a chef coat. Even just carrying one and walking like you know where you’re going will work every time. Most people don’t want to look stupid by asking you who you are.“ 

* "My go to missing work call was never "I’m sick”, it was “Family problems”. They never questioned it, it’s vague enough and embarrassing enough that nobody ever asks.“ 

*As part of the employee training at Target, they teach you that if a customer argues over a price, and the full price is under $20, to just give it to them for whatever price they claim. It’s cheaper for the company to move on to the next customer than to call in a price check.

*Put a rolled up sock in the change slot on a vending machine, come back back 4 days later….and pull sock….you will be 6-ish dollars richer.

*If it’s a small lie, like who farted or who put the empty milk carton in the fridge, I’ll tell a terrible lie. I’ll not be able to hold a straight face, contradict myself, basically suck at lying.Now everyone I know thinks I can’t tell a lie to save my life. So when I really need a big lie, I nail it every time. No one ever suspects me when I lie straight faced.

*Bring crutches to an airport. Bypass every line (including boarding) and you are chauffeured to your gate the second you pass through security.

*Make up a secret to share with someone- they may open up and share far more valuable real secrets.

*Here’s a classic. Drive over to your 7/11 of choice. Fill up a Slurpee and drop some candy bars in that bitch. Make sure the candy bars aren’t showing. Cover the Slurpee and pay for it. Free Snickers bitch.

*I tell everyone i’ve never done any drugs. Suddenly everyone offers me cocaine, ecstasy, pot, lsd. I think i’ve had $200 worth of drugs each weekend for free.Same with liquor. "Im not drinking tonight” BOOM! Everyone gives me booze. Its like everyone wants to break your integrity as soon as you tell them you are not doing whatever they are doing.

*If you need to cash from an ATM and its not a large amount, buy a 5 cent piece of gum from a gas station that has the cash back option. Its cheaper than a $3 charge

*Act less intelligent than you really are. Acting stupid can get you out of some tricky situations. Feigning ignorance is way better than admitting you knew better but did it anyway. My old man used to say ‘It is easier to beg forgiveness than ask for permission’…sometimes it’s true.

*Every time I fly, when I land I’ll pen a little complaint to the airline that flew me. You know, I’ll come up with something like “oh, they denied me a drink! Oh, the food wasn’t vegetarian!” Whatever miscellaneous hogwash potpourri comes to my crazy brain. And like clockwork, within a business day, they’re reimbursing me with a $50 voucher, a $100 voucher, I can sell that on the secondary market.

*I’ve always had a lot of success in shutting nosy people up by blaming any personal issue on allergies. Crying from a panic attack? Allergies giving me puffy eyes. What’s that mysterious pill I’m taking? Allergy meds. Why am I acting spaced out/hungover/tired? Allergies meds making me drowsy.

*If you really wanna get away with some shit, buy a reflective vest, a white hard hat, and a clipboard. You can go ANYWHERE.

Tumblr RP 2012: He grabbed a carton of milk and drank it.

Tumblr RP 2014+: Slender digits might curve delicately——&& OPAQUE biodegradable material would find a long-lost home snugly ‘neath gangly sticks of bone and sinew. A cow’s utter hath provided CREAMY substance now floating on white clouds of honeydew in said CARTON—— and as butterfly petals part to receive the rich nectar, a feather-like sigh finds it’s way into the Autumn air.

4

MISSING: One antenna. Iconic. Usually seen on top of a kid named Edward, also answers to “Fullmetal”, also answers loudly to “Runt” and “Pipsqueak”. If found please return to Ed on the set of the Fullmetal Alchemist live action movie.

ok so this is probably old news but

I recently bought the 2016 homestuck calendar

had it open to the March page for a while

This one right

and I had it where I could see it all month, so I stared at it often

so like

we have Caliborn running away with a box of cereal right

it’s like an obvious homage to Lucky Charms cereal, with the leprechauns and everything. So while it doesn’t explicitly say so on the box, we can safely assume it’s cereal

so we have Caliborn running with the cereal, and the kids chasing after him right

Jane with her spoon and a bowl, Roxy with a carton of milk, Dirk with his fist up in anger (probably doesn’t actually want the cereal, is just along for the ride) and Jake with his……

his……

JAKE

JAKE WHY

JAKE WHY WOULD YOU EAT YOUR CEREAL WITH A FORK

THAT’S NOT THE WAY YOU EAT CEREAL STOP THAT

A not-so-speedy death

Ravenclaw: hey man are you ok?
Slytherin:*surrounded by empty milk cartons and banging their head in the table* I hate everything. She’s so perfect and she hardly even knows I exist.
Hufflepuff: *walks by* oh hey Leena.
Slytherin: hey….. see. She’s perfect
Ravenclaw: uh huh. Ok.
Slytherin:*takes a swig of milk*
Ravenclaw: aren’t you lactose intolerant?
Slytherin: I hope it kills me