cars-and-rides

TITLE — long distance.
WARNINGS — mature content and some swearing.
WORD COUNT — 2,901 words.
AUTHOR’S NOTE — i can’t even believe my last fic got over 300 notes, that’s insane, thank you so much. uh, this was supposed to be short and smutty but the angst in me came out to wreak havoc. it also turned out much longer than i intended (story of my life). and that fluff bit at the end? i don’t know her. anyway, hope you enjoy it, thanks for reading !


You’re woken up at 2:09 AM by a constant and nagging vibration, the glare of your phone guiding you as you blindly reach for the device. Through heavy-lidded eyes you study the name displayed on the screen and the sappy emojis that follow.

It’s your boyfriend.

“Hey,” you say, voice dripping with dread and worry, and fatigue. It’s silent on the other end safe for some rustling and just as you’re about to call after him, there’s a muted groan.

“B-bae?” He sighs into the transmitter—a sigh of relief. “Fuck,” he sobs. “I miss y-you. I… fuck.” Another sob. “Baby?”

Keep reading

Turn The Lights Down - Tyler Seguin #7

Originally posted by puckinginsane

about/request: a imagine where you and tyler seguin have this thing going on, and you don’t know what it is. like it’s on the borderline between lovers and just friends. you really want to be with him but he doesn’t because he doesn’t want to commit and he probably can’t commit to you. and so you guys both have this silent agreement that you guys are going to end what ever you guys are at the end of the team party because that’s the only way it would save the both of you from heartbreak.

warnings: mentioned of drinking and is like really sad???

authors note: GUYS LOOK I WROTE AN IMAGINE AGAIN!! anyway i don’t know what this is, just take it. let me know what you think. requests should be open again soon. 

word count: 1660

Keep reading

Driving

Bangtan : *Got in the car*

Yoongi : *Got in the driver’s seat*

Yoongi : Hyung, I’m the driver rn but do you know what you’d be?

Jin : …The passenger?

Yoongi : No, you’d be my GPS navigation because I want to follow you wherever we go.

Jin : *Flusters* Yoongichi~

Yoongi : *Fond smile*

Hoseok : Jin hyung if you’re the driver, I’d be your car.

Hoseok : So you can ride me and handle my control stick wherever we go 😉.

Jin :

Yoongi :

Namjoon : Welp there goes the moment.

Jungkook : *Head pokes out from the back seat*

Jungkook : Can you guys be horny at another time and start driving please we’re so fucking late.

B99 SPOILERY THOUGHT: Seriously...

Ray Holt & Kevin Cozner = the best married couple/relationship on TV. 

I love these two, and their relationship. They are the perfect example of two “boring” people in a “boring” relationship - liking it this way, and being this way! (I prefer things this way, too, and though most people find this kind of life/relationships “dull”, I find it to be most exciting)

They’re excited about plain scones (the best!), and long car-rides spent in silence. And they’re just… amazing. 

If you do not watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine, do yourself a favour and start watching…now! I’d watch just for Andre Braugher (as Capt. Holt), but the other characters and storylines are great, too! Holt is the best. (he is also written in a way that it’s possible he is on the spectrum) He likes to paint the same object (a rock) over and over again. His facial expression for every emotion is the same, he likes order and he’s good at what he does. He…  OK, I’ll stop now. I just love this character so much! And Ray/Kevin is the dream relationship! #relationshipgoals


Thanks Dan Goor & Michael Schur & B99 writers & the cast! 

deadpunkin  asked:

What gets you through the day?

The thought that tomorrow will be better. usually keeps things moving along.

Also I make little goals and days to look forward to. Like I’ll pick a day to go do something fun and that will keep me going. and car rides. I LOVE car rides.

Two years ago, i alone took Cassius to the vet and had him put to sleep while he died in my arms.

Last July i was alone with Millie while she died in my arms in my living room.

I took Roxy on her last car ride to the vet earlier this year and held her while she took her last breath.

I drove Babylon back to the greyhound rescue today and had to say goodbye by myself.

All i wanted was a little bit of sympathy. Or something. A little cushion. But whatever. Just another day in the life of a stupid bitch. 🖕🏻

I was riding in a getaway car, I wAS CRYING IN A GETAWAY CAR, I WAS DYING IN A GETAWAY CAR, SAID GOODBYE IN A GETAWAY CAR

I WAS RIDING IN A GETAWAY CAR, I WAS CRYING IN A GETAWAY CAR, I WAS DYING IN A GETAWAY CAR, SAID GOODBYE IN A GETAWAY….car

anonymous asked:

hi:) know any awesome audio fics so i can constantly be thinking abt the boys while on an 8 hr car ride? Thanks!!😃

Hi Nonny!

I’m so sorry, I actually don’t :( . For some reason I’ve never listened to podfics or never went looking for them; I think I just really prefer reading them, since with audio I tend to zone out since I use it for background noise (yeah, even for driving, LOL), which in turn means I rarely intake any new stuff without having to listen to it a few times and pay attention… and paying attention is when I usually fall asleep HAHAH so I can’t win, LOL. Noise has a calming effect on me. 

ANYWAY YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT. The only ones I know of for certain is the user LockedInJohnlocked on Ao3, who does a tonne of podfics you can peruse through! Alexx also has a few podfic lists:

Sorry I’m not much more help than that, Nonny! :(

anonymous asked:

THANK YOU PART THREE with him. after pride everyone was tired and stuff 2D like fell asleep during the car ride and so did noddle because she did a ton of walking and running around. also i hc that russel and noodle both have ADHD and murdoc has depression. shsjsndhdb i have more but this is already so long thanks for letting me talk about these hcs. ...... :'D

oof no problem!!! I’ve always headcanon’d noodle as a genderfluid lesbian too!! I can definitely see 2d having autism too like he sorta does stim a lot  tbh i always thought he was autistic!! Also the whole band is nonbinary and gay, you are absolutely correct ….. Im pretty sure murdoc is canonly bisexual too?? thank u lots for telling me these they’re very sweet!!! U can always DM me some if u want

1. take pictures of your friends. take pictures with your friends. take as many pictures as you possibly can. even if they start to get annoyed with you, even if either of you feel “ugly” that day, even if you just took one the other day. because a day is going to come where all you’ll have is pictures and wishing you had more than what you’re left with hurts just as badly as losing them.

2. do the thing that scares you. do the thing that you’ve always wanted to do but have always been too scared to try. don’t force yourself if it doesn’t feel right but don’t be scared to try new things. as cheesy and cliche as it sounds, stepping out of your comfort zone, even for a moment, is worth it. regret is not.

3. it’s okay to hurt. if it hurts, that means it mattered.

4. sometimes, when something breaks, it cannot be fixed. there was nothing you could have done to make them change their mind, nothing you could have said to make them stay. the two of you broke apart, but that doesn’t mean you are broken.

5. heal, mourn, grieve. let yourself feel. don’t try to force the healing, it’ll come naturally, when it’s time.

6. there are going to be days when all you do is lay in bed, drink coffee, and refresh various social media apps. that’s okay. you’re allowed to rest, you’re allowed to do nothing. you don’t have to validate doing nothing.

7. you’re going to face a fear you didn’t even know you had. but you won’t have to face it alone.

8. don’t keep it all in your head. let the bad thoughts out to make room for the good ones.

9. whatever you think you did, whether it be in this life or a past life, to deserve suffering and pain does not exist. you don’t deserve to hurt. you don’t deserve to make yourself hurt. you don’t deserve to suffer. you don’t deserve to make yourself suffer.

10. you’re going to do things, you’re going to make decisions, you’re going to make yourself see things or read things that are going to hurt you. self harm isn’t limited to bruises or bleeding; you’re hurting yourself by caring about someone who doesn’t care about you anymore. that’s not to say that you should stop caring about them, but you should definitely stop checking their twitter account in the middle of the night.

11. you don’t need to look like anyone else to be a certain kind of person. you’re you and you are enough just the way you are.

12. get outside and lose yourself beneath the rays of the sun, escape to a place where it doesn’t hurt as badly as it does inside your house.

13. you’re gonna screw up, but that doesn’t make you a screw up.

14. it’s okay to set boundaries, it’s okay to distance yourself from others. it doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you mean. it’s okay to put your own needs and wants above others. it doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you need to care about yourself first.

15. there was a person you thought you could never live without. and you will be without them. and you will still be alive.

16. you know what will make you feel worse, and you know what might make you feel slightly better – even if it doesn’t work 100%, it’s still better than doing the wrong thing. these choices are yours, so make the right one all of the time.

17. family isn’t always blood. sometimes, family can be the people who choose you and who keep on choosing you, not because they have to but because they want to. this isn’t a family you’re born into, but rather a family you find and create for yourself.

18. home isn’t four walls and a roof over your head, but rather someone that makes you feel safer than any building can.

19. happiness won’t always be so far and few.

20. never underestimate just how healing a car ride with your best friend can be.

21. you matter. you really do.

22. hope isn’t silly and though sometimes slippery, never stop clinging to it.

23. try taking your own advice from time to time. allow yourself to grieve, to be wounded, to cry, to hurt. allow yourself to heal. try to remember that one day, having all of this hope won’t have been for nothing and start promising yourself the things you promise others; that it’s going to be okay, genuinely and sincerely. because it’s the truth. you survived this year, you’ll survive the next.
—  23 things i learned at 23 // happy birthday to me
(cc, 2017)
Bruises On Another (part four)

Originally posted by maxmayfield

Prompt: Steve doesn’t know where they come from, and he isn’t exactly sure why they’re there. All he knows is that his body is littered in bruises, and there’s something different about them. They aren’t just bruises, and they certainly didn’t come from a trip in a step or clumsiness. No, Steve knows there’s more behind the marks that litter his body.

THIS IS A SERIES: one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight - finale

Pairing: Slow!Burn Steve x Reader, Billy x Reader (it’ll make sense)

Warnings: marks, bruises, pain, physical abuse, force, sexual inclinations, etc. I mean no disrespect to anyone or to upset anyone, this story starts off rough but I can say that things will get better.

A/N: I hope you all enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Send me a little comment in the ask section or leave it below on what you thought of this chapter. It doesn’t have to be long, I appreciate every single comment I receive and telling me just helps inspire me to write it more frequently. 

P.S. This a soulmate AU.

I will NO LONGER be adding anyone to the Tag’s List!


Billy fed you drink after drink, shoving them into your face that you forgot how to think straight at some point. You lost yourself after drink five, forgetting who you were and what would happen the moment your father found out about any of this. Instead you drank whatever concoction Billy handed your way and tilted your head back so the drink burned right down your throat.

You’d never gotten drunk before, since you’d never really been allowed out. But the feeling was all that you’d heard it was and you didn’t, at the moment, regret your decisions. After a painfully awkward long car ride, Billy and you had arrived at Tina’s house where all you could see was teenagers everywhere. You’d hesitated stepping out of the car, not knowing what would happen the second you did. But then Billy had appeared on your side of the car, opened the door and led you through the front doors.

You were bombarded by sweaty teenagers dancing, drinking or making out with others. Some people acknowledged Billy’s presence the moment he’d walked in, and you’d been forced to socialize with others during the occasion. But soon enough Billy had brought you to the ‘punch’ table and started pouring you drink after drink, which is where it all began.

You accepted the now refilled cup of ‘pure fuel’ and brought it to your lips almost immediately, downing more than half of it in the first gulp. You were brought back to the real world then by the sound of Billy’s laughter and gazing up at him over the tip of your cup, you fought the blush that threatened to grow. “Didn’t peg you as a drinker, darlin’.”

You shrugged your shoulders; “never drank before.”

You missed the way he’s eyes widened in surprise and before you knew it, Billy was by your side. “Really?” He asked, looking down at you as he slyly slid his arm around your waist. You let him, leaning into the boy slightly to regain your balance. The whole world seemed fuzzy around you and honestly you didn’t even know if you were seeing straight. “Now that’s exciting.”

You mumbled something but over the slur of your words you’re sure Billy didn’t understand. For a moment it was silent as the two of you just stood there and suddenly a loud echoing noise gained your attention and leaning up slightly from the table, you noticed everyones eyes on a pair of people. You squinted slightly, the room spinning before you were able to focus in and found the same pair of brown eyes that haunted your mind. 

There in the middle of the crowd stood Steve and Nancy, who’s white shirt was dyed red from the ‘pure fuel’. Your eyes narrowed at the sight of them together and before you knew it, they were walking off in the direction of the bathroom. You chose to ignore your bitterness and the feeling of Billy laughing loudly beside you as you turned back to your cup and took a large slip. Suddenly drinking felt more like a habit and you felt your shoulders grow heavy with weight.

The sight of Steve with Nancy, for whatever reason that you couldn’t even explain yourself, sobered you up real quick. And with your sober thoughts now coming through, you realized the severity of your actions-

What was wrong with you?

What were you doing here-

with Billy?

Placing your hands against the table, you steadied yourself as your mind became fuzzy. Thoughts burned through your mind rapidly and you found yourself unable to think straight. The distant sound of Billy’s voice echoed in your mind but you couldn’t exactly make out what he was saying. You didn’t understand what you were doing or who you were trying to be.

Since when did you sneak out and get drunk?

The reality of everything was starting to set in and you realized there was no way you were going to get back home and into your bedroom without your father noticing. You felt yourself grow sick knowing what would happen the minute you came home, and knew that if worse came to worse your father would knock you out cold and you’d have a whole new selection of bruises to hide. 

That’s when you felt Billy nestle up beside you and his hands fall dangerously close to your butt. You flinched in surprise from the contact but it seemed Billy didn’t care this time and soon you found yourself flipped from the table and your back smacking against the wall behind you. You blinked, the sight of Billy before you spinning in your minds eye as his hands fell above your hips. You weren’t even sure what was happening before you felt his lips on your neck and his body pressed against yours.

“Billy,” you slurred, but he didn’t hear- or choose to hear.

Your hands flew to his shoulders where you tried to push him off but it made no difference. You were too drunk to even walk on your own, let alone push a boy two times your size off of you. You looked desperately around you for someones help but knew that none of it would matter considering they were all drunk beyond reason and probably thought you wanted this.

What was happening?

The world was spinning again- 

“Billy,” you called, your words coming out in a moan as he bit your neck. Panic filled within you as you felt yourself grow hot. And then before you knew it, Billy was slipping off the leather jacker he’d given you, leaving you bare in your white t-shirt. The fact that your bruises were clear as day didn’t register within in you and all you could think about was getting away from Billy.

It wasn’t until Billy gripped a bruise on your waist did life seem to snap back to you. You let out a loud yelp of pain as he pinched the sensitive skin, and the moment you felt Billy stop in surprise you pushed against his shoulders. He luckily, this time, stepped away and panting you held yourself. You didn’t meet his eyes knowing what you’d find and wanting to avoid them as much as possible. The moment you’d meet his eyes would be the moment you’d submit to him again. Billy scared you, just like your dad, but you didn’t- didn’t want to lose your virginity like this.

“What the hell?!” Billy spat.

Shaking your head, you stared at the ground before you. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled, your voice shaking. “I have to- I have to go.” You moved to step past him but Billy stepped before you abruptly. You closed your eyes in fear, tensing your body as you waited for the pain to start. But nothing ever happened, and finally you looked up at Billy; “bitch.” He spat, before stepping out of your way.

You paused for your moment, the pleasure of being drunk leaving you and you felt your heart rapidly beat against your chest. Biting your tongue, you sped through Tina’s house, moving through people narrowly before making your way outside. The cool air hit your bare arms and you were reminded of the vulnerability you found yourself in.

Staring at the street before you and the cars lined up, you sighed. You’d have to walk home-

“Fancy seeing you here.” You turned around at the voice, finding none other then Steve just before you. You paused in surprise, gazing up at him in wonder as he took another step forward. Snapping out of your stupor, you nodded shortly and let your eyes wander around the front yard again.

“Need a lift home?” Steve offered and again you found yourself surprised by him.

“Um- what?”

“A drive.” Steve clarified, warily stepping closer to you. His eyes almost seemed bloodshot and it looked as if he’d been crying or near tears. You felt your heart fall at the thought of him being upset, but shook your head- you barely knew the guy. “Do you need one home?”

You teetered over the options, unsure if you should take it. But considering your other option was walking home, alone, in the middle of the night and risk coming home later or accepting the drive, the option seemed clear. So, taking a deep breath you nodded and felt yourself grow warm when Steve smiled lightly. The smile didn’t meet his eyes and it almost looked forced, but nonetheless he smiled.

“Here.” He said, slipping off his jacket and extending it towards you. You hesitated for a moment, holding your arms close to yourself before accepting his generous offer and extending your own arm towards him. You seemed to have forgotten about the bruises littering your arm for a moment when Steve reached out and grabbed your wrist. “Hey,” he said, his eyes falling with concern. “Who- did Billy do this to you?”

“What?” You questioned, your eyes falling on your arm. Pulling it back from his grip, you hugged your arm to yourself and quickly slipped on his jacket, so Steve could no longer stare at them. “No- no, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Y/N-”

“It’s fine, okay?” You said, a bit harshly. You felt guilty about interrupting him, especially when he’d offered you a drive, but you couldn’t risk him finding out. If your father… you didn’t want to think about that. “I’m fine.”

Steve seemed hesitant but eventually he nodded and stepping forward, you followed him. ”This way.”


Part 5? 

Let me know below!

Keep reading

Stranger Things/Billy Hargrove imagines - Lose it - Part 2

Originally posted by aegonsgarden

AN: You guys wanted, I’m giving you more Billy. 

Overall Summary: You can see straight through Billy Hargrove

In this chapter: You go to Billy’s house

(PART ONE HERE)

Pairing(s): Billy Hargrove x reader

Word count: 1,387

Warnings: Strong language, some violence/aggressive behaviour

After Billy basically told you to stay away from him, you found yourself outside his front door. 

You weren’t going to let him just brush you aside. He can’t treat people like that. 

You pounded against the door then took a step back, placing your hands back in your pockets. 

Billy swung open the door, and as soon as he saw you, he furrowed his eyebrows. You could see that he’d been working out from the sweat on his forehead and the damp marks on his shirt. 

“What the hell are you doing here, (Y/L/N)?” He asked, you stepped past him, into his house without invitation and glowered at the boy. 

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

could you write a soft morning short reddie fic pls??? xx

richie wakes up with a freezing cold nose stuffed into his armpit. little hands knotted in fists are nestled into his side and when he turns his head, he gets a nose full of hair. the clock next to the bed blinks 7:30. richie scoots away from eddie in the bed, careful not to roll onto eddie’s small hands that sleepily reach for him, and when he climbs out of bed, eddie makes a tiny snuffling noise, a whimper, and then one eye cracks open.

“richie,” he says, his voice scratchy and sleep worn and richie smiles softly at the little bundle under the covers. eddie sticks one hand out of the covers and waves it around, his eyes scrunched shut against the weak light that filters in through the blinds.

Keep reading

Don’t Freak V

Originally posted by kings-of-my-heart

Steve Harrington x Reader

PART I | PART II | PART III | PART IV

PART V

AN: I AM COMPLETE TRASH. NO SURPRISE THERE.


Jonathan sat like stone, emotion vacant from his face while Y/N paced the living room.

Please say something,” She begged. Jonathan shrugged.

“I don’t know what to say,” Y/N sighed and nodded. A few moments passed before Y/N spoke again.

“He came by today,”

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t let him in,” Jonathan took a good look at her face, then laughed. “He tried talking to me through the mail slot in the door,” This had Jonathan full belly laughing. “Why are you laughing?” He had a grin on his face and shook his head in disbelief.

Keep reading

Emmett’s Top Surgery Guide

Alright so a few people have asked me to do this so here we go-

(I hope I covered everything)

What do I need to prepare for?

  1. Get clothes together. You will probably not have the energy or motivation to change, so have some sweat pants and a few shirts. I recommend zip up hoodies because buttons are too hard sometimes. Really, zippers are the best. You can deal with buttons 2 weeks post op when it’s easier.
  2. Prepare food. This is especially important if you’re gonna be alone a lot or if you’re stubborn like me and don’t like asking for help. Cooking is gonna be hard, so get easy things. Ramen, other microwaveable soups. You can do it stovetop too if it’s not too high for you to reach (I’m 5'2" and it was a bit hard for me). Chips and pretzels and crackers and cookies are also good because it’s tasty and good to just have by you for if you get nauseous and need a quick bite or if you jsut can’t make yourself get up. I know it’s not healthy but let yourself live a little. I also bought some chicken tenders and stuff like that to throw in the oven because do have a freezer that’s on its own so I could reach all the stuff. I love coffee but the coffee pot was too far back for me to reach and the mugs were way too high so I bought some of the cold pre made Starbucks and dunkin donuts coffees. Also have money to order food possibly depending on how long you’re laid up and what you can do.
  3. Have things to drink. A good water bottle or Styrofoam cup is important. Having water and tea and other liquids is important because the pain meds and antibiotics can dehydrate you and you will be a bit dehydrated from surgery in general. Hydration can also make you feel more energetic too.
  4. Queue up some movies and shows. Netflix (or recorded shows or on demand shows or dvds or blue rays or whatever) is amazing. I watched a lot of parks and rec and also paranormal survivors. You’re gonna have a lot of time and you’ll be sleepy and it might be hard to focus so easy things to watch are good
  5. Have a place to sleep. I slept on a recliner in my living room for about 2 and a half weeks post op. I did try to sleep in my room but I kept rolling over and it hurt so much. I wasn’t able to sleep on my stomach a whole night until about 3 and a half weeks post op. The recliner was amazing. If you don’t have that, lots and lots of pillows to put on 3 sides of you work too. My headboard has shelves built in so I couldn’t use pillows to prop myself up, but my grandmother got a surgical wedge for me and putting blankets and pillows around that helped when I moved back to my room
  6. Have help scheduled. If you’re alone most of the time, have a visiting nurse or friend or family member come check on you and help you out for a couple hours. Having someone with you all day is ideal, but you don’t have to, and I know that’s not possible for everyone.
  7. Have a mental health care plan. This is important whether you’re mentally ill or not. Top surgery brings up a lot of emotions and many people experience mood swings and depression after surgery. This happens because surgery is trauma to your body, even if it’s good. Your mind is trying to understand why there is missing flesh and all of that can be overwhelming. The pain meds don’t help with that either.
  8. Get a long phone charger. As long as possible. You’re gonna be sitting and laying in some weird positions and you’ll be bored out of your mind, so you’re gonna wanna have your phone. If you don’t have a long phone charger or can’t get one (or if you’re breaks 1 day post op like mine did) you can use an extension cordd or a power strip to make it longer
  9. Have other things to do. Maybe a book or a sketch pad or coloring or clay. Just something else to keep you busy for when you are tired of Netflix
  10. Trim your body hair. I suggest trimming your armpit hair a little, if not all the way, because the ace bandage will pull on it and it will be uncomfy. Also if you do anything with your hair elsewhere, do it pre op
  11. Also if you have pets that need their habitats cleaned, do that the day before surgery. I have fish, a turtle, a hermit crab, 3 geckos, a guinea pig, and a dog. I changed bedding and cleaned tanks for all of them except the dog admit was worth it. It would’ve been way too hard post op.
  12. If you take any medication be sure to call the hospital and check if you should stop it or keep taking it. I stopped T and my vitamin supplements and all oral steroids 2 weeks before and you’re not supposed to take nay medication the morning of, but the hospital told me I could because it’s psych medication and I’m better on it than off

What do I do the day of surgery?

  1. Go to the hospital!! Your surgeon (or someone from their office) eill give you directions to the hospital and a list of what you need. I needed my ID, my insurance card, pre-op paperwork, and all of my meds. I ended up needing none of those things, but I was told to bring them so I did and I suggest you do the same.
  2. Anxiety is 100% normal the morning of. I was very anxious and so was my dad and we ended up screaming at each other. My way of coping with the anxiety was to text my partner, and I also Facebook live streamed a couple time sin the car (it’s 2 hours from my house to the hospital)
  3. When you get to the hospital go with the flow. I was called on my way and told to get there asap bc there was a cancellation. I told them that wasn’t happening because of how far I live and I was already on my way but I would be there in time for my surgery slot. When I got there, I checked in and everything was okay. Until they mixed me up with two seperate patients and I got really anxious. But my surgeon came to meet me and calmed me down and it was okay. They let one of my parents stay with me until I went to the OR which was also nice
  4. The OR is scary. There are a ton of people and the table is cold and everything is moving fast and you just lay there. I actually somehow felt calm though? I think I hit the point of being anxious where I was in stress nirvana and nothing registered anymore. I just breathed deeply and said that whatever happened was gonna happen and then they told me to keep breathing the oxygen in and that they were giving me the medicine to make me sleep.
  5. Rely on whatever you believe in and whatever helps you. I had play doh with me and my favorite stuffed animal in the car and I kept it in my bag at the hospital. That helped me stay calm a lot. I also am spiritual in the sense that I believe that things happen the way they happen and that’s that, and we should go woth it and tackle it as it comes. If you are religious, praying or worshipping however you like can help in the money’s and days leading up to surgery too.

What’s it like waking up?

  1. It’s weird. It’s really fucking weird. I was very sleepy and confused. I don’t remember a lot of it. I remember asking for my partner (they couldn’t be there because they had class) and I remember being sleepy. Apparently I asked for Adrian so much that my mom called them and I talked to them. Apparently i said that they are wonderful and that I’m in love with them (which is true) and tbh my parents still make fun of me for it. I don’t remember doing that at all. I also remember needing to per and the nurse asked me if I could get up or if I wanted a bed pan and I said I was gonna get up. I did, and I was so stumbley and dizzy. I remember getting confused about toilet paper and it took me forever. I also got tangled in the wires and tubes from the IV. This happened 3 more times while I was in the recovery room
  2. I also had a very hard time breathing. I was coughing and my oxygen saturation was in the 60’s which I not good. They gave me albuterol and oxygen which helped a lot.

Night 1 in the hospital

  1. I spent 1 night in the hospital. I know some surgeons do more, some do less.
  2. It was an interesting night. I was on a lot of pain medication and I was starving. I ate a lot of banana bread my mom gave me.
  3. My dad stayed the night with me which was also nice.
  4. Instated on oxygen most of the night until I was breathing better on my own with the help of a spirometer every hour
  5. The hospital however was not good about giving me my meds. Hospital are notorious for fucking up when someone should get meds. I take a lot of medication, mostly for psych stuff, and I absolutly need all of it. The one in particular they weren’t giving me was my anxiety medication, which also stabilizes my blood pressure. So of course my BP is high and they are asking why and saying they can’t give me my meds because it’s not in the system.
  6. So long story short I didnt get my meds but it was fine because it was only one day
  7. In the morning, I got to go home. They gave me one last dose of pain meds and I was ready for the 2 hour car ride back to my house
  8. Before I left however, my surgeon saw me and I got to see my chest. I didn’t expect to see it so soon. The only other time I felt so at peace was when I was high. I also got my drains out that morning because I wasn’t draining much so my surgeon didn’t feel like they were needed

Being home

  1. It is hard. I slept for the first 3 days most of the day. I was on a lot of Percocet. I needed it. I literally just slept on the recliner all day. I woke up to pee and to eat and watch a little bit of parks and rec.
  2. Speaking of peeing. The anesthesia basically stops everything and peeing is hard after surgery. It’s like you can’t make yourself do it, you just have to let it happen
  3. Also pooping. This is TMI but for the love of fuck have stool softeners because pain meds and antibiotics fuck that up and the last thing you need is a tummy ache along with your chest hurting. I took stool softeners in the hospital and when I got home and it still took me 5 days to shit. I know that’s gross but really, love yourself and buy stool softeners.
  4. Okay last bathroom thing I promise. Wearing underwear that are kinda tight is not a good idea. The elastic is gonna be too hard to pull down and you’re gonna get tired and frustrated. I know how absurd that sounds but that’s really how it is. I just didn wear any for a couple days.
  5. Every single thing is difficult. I was so weak I could barely lift a mug. Everything was really hard. I needed a lot of help.
  6. Post op you will cough and need to take very deep breaths. Your lungs are paralyzed during surgery and it takes time for them to sort their shit out once you wake up. I coughed a lot and I coughed up blood and it was gross. I also was at a very high risk for pneumonia so I had to watch that
  7. As the days went on it got easier. I could do more things. I could cook more, I could get up and do things. 4 days post op my partner and my friends and an old teacher came over and saw me and hung out which was nice. Having support is really important and honestly those people made me so happy.
  8. Having someone to help you is so important and also having someone to give you positive vibes and love and support makes all the difference
  9. Emotionally you might be a mess. That’s okay. Go with it. Make sure to take time to self care and do things you enjoy. And don’t be afraid to ask for help
  10. You will get back to normal in time. Recover at your own pace.

What it looks like

  1. When you first see it, it’s gonna be blue and purple and green. All bruised. The stitches look angry and jagged. And it only looks worse as the days go by for the first week or so. That is normal. Your chest went through a lot and it’s gonna bruise and look swollen and gross.
  2. The bruising does fade and the stitches will fall off (if they are the kind that does that). It’s gonna be weird. Don’t pull them, don’t fuck with them. I know how tempting it is, but just don’t.
  3. The swelling lasts for about 3 weeks, then it looks pretty much how it’s gonna look. Remember it’s not gonna be completely flat, it has to match your body
  4. Also you’ll have to wear a surgical binder for at least a month post op

Showering

  1. Wash up. Washcloth and soap or wipes are your friends. You can’t shower head to toe unless you wrap your chest with plastic wrap, which is really hard. I do not reccomend it. Wash your hair in th sink if you want, but only if you have help. Moving your arms like that is gonna be hard.
  2. Once you can shower head to toe, it’s amazing. And your stitches will fall off faster. It’s just really nice. But be gentle because your chest is still tender.

Things I didn’t expect

  1. I’m psychotic so I normally have some hallucinations, but the pain medication made it so intense that I couldn’t function. I thought I was being watched constantly, I was screaming and crying and panicking. It was really scary and really bad. If you’re psychotic, please keep this in mind and share concerns with your doctor. I stopped my pain medication early because of this.
  2. If you have body related trauma, surgery might bring that back up. No one told me this and I was not prepared. I was raped and I have trouble not being in control of my body. I wasn’t even thinking of that until I was on the table seconds before I fell asleep. I would never know what happened during surgery (aside from the obvious) and that scared me and tbh it still does.
  3. I didnt expect how hard it would be to sleep. I slept on the recliner in my living room for almost 3 weeks. I sleep on my stomach and I just couldn’t because it hurt so much. Once I was a month post op I could though and thats what I do now
  4. Infection. I was expecting it to happen as soon as i went off antibiotics but it happened around 3 weeks post op. The nurse at the surgeons office told me i was crazy and she was really rude so I sorted it myself but it was unexpected at that point.
  5. Emotionally it really was hard. Some of that was my mental illness but some of it was post op mood swings and depression. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn’t expect it to be that bad.

Okay so that’s it I think. If there is anything I forgot or if you have questions feel free to ask!!