Rack Report: Cam Newton

Because of my constantly expanding crush on him, I feel that it is only fair that I dedicate my first Rack Report to the football player that I most want to sign my cleavage at the moment: Cam Newton.

First, I’d like to make it clear that I consider myself a Cam Newton hipster - I liked him before it was cool. Remember when that video came out of him singing along to a Justin Bieber song? It was at that moment that I realized I would never again be able to listen to the sensual lyrics of “Baby” without getting a little excited. Not only was I impressed by his having all the lyrics memorized to perfection, he didn’t take himself too seriously; as a young man who gets paid millions to convince himself he walks on water, it’s refreshing to see that he has a goofy side and a sense of humor about himself.

For the lack of seriousness he displays off the field, he makes up for it the moment he puts on that Panthers uniform. The rookie quarterback, whose record-breaking regular season debut proved that he is a force to be reckoned with, is already showing poise, leadership and skills that are surprising for a man at the young age of 22. More importantly, he’s single-handedly reminded me why football is my favorite sport to watch: tight polyester pants, which Cam fills out as well as I do my bra (I don’t call it The Rack Report for nothing).

I’ll admit it, Cam was pretty much already panty dropper status in my mind before he made his way onto an NFL field; then the game started and it reached a new level. My favorite thing about Newton on the field isn’t his stats, it isn’t the way he fills out his uniform, it isn’t even the money he’s already won me in a few of my Fantasy Football leagues this season (money which I would like to use to take him out to dinner, but that’s a different rant for a different day); it’s the expressiveness on his face while he plays that makes him such a joy to watch. When you watch Cam play, you never have to guess how he’s feeling at that moment; he shows it. Each and every emotion he experiences, you see displayed in full view on that handsome face of his. It makes you feel connected to the game, emotionally invested even (keep in mind that I’m a Steelers fan, so having an emotional investment in the Panthers has never been the case for me before). When something goes wrong, you see the disappointment. Not only that but, more importantly, every time he completes a pass, breaks a tackle or rushes for a touchdown, you can see the excitement on his face. He’s like a kid in a candy store, a nerd at a strip club, a Raiders player during a robbery – he lights up. That’s the kind of excitement you don’t see enough of. Sure, players get excited when they pass for or score a touchdown, but Cam glows when even the smallest things goes right. He appreciates the little things. That’s something you don’t see very often, especially among professional athletes.

Not only do I see a bright future ahead of him in the NFL, I also see a young man who is capable of adjusting to the lifestyle without letting it get to his head. I see a football player who will remain grounded, even when he’s in the club making it rain on them hoes. I see a person who genuinely appreciates the opportunity to make a living doing what he loves. I see my future husband. I mean, umm, I see the future of a team that had all but given up the chances of ever making it to the playoffs, finally getting there. Sure, they’re starting their season 0-2, so did the Giants in 2008, and they still managed to find themselves the SuperBowl that year. If anyone can get the Panthers there, it’s Cam Newton; it may not be this year, but it will happen and it will happen sooner than most people will predict – myself excluded, of course.


Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that I’ve sampled the “Cammy Cam Juice” of which he speaks, and I like the way it tastes.

PS: Go ahead and thank me now, Panthers fans, because Cam Newton’s stellar performances can be attributed to the fact that I am incredibly infatuated. It is a proven fact that any QB I have a crush on, does incredibly well.* Yeah, you’re welcome.

*I’ll be doing a post proving my point on this later, until then see “Roethlisberger, Ben” (circa 2005-2009) and Aaron Rodgers (circa 2010-2011).