carolina checkers

the canes are the hottest hockey team: a thesis

10 points in favor:

  1. sebastian aho (finnish, adorable, shy, v smart, never looks comfortable)
  2. noah hanifin (smirks in his actual nhl photo wtf, baked frat boy aesthetic, boston boy, actually seems like a nice guy, +5 american)
  3. sebastian aho (again, he’s v cute, cute accent, nice hair, smart player, the eyebrows, my ace friend says he has kind eyes, and deserves to be on here twice)
  4. jeff skinner (smiles, dimples, general canadian charm, his SKATING,like watch his skating please)
  5. teuvo teravainen (has won a stanley cup, standard finnish awkwardness)
  6. haydn fleury, if called up (fought in a pre-season game, 7th overall in 2014, kind eyes)
  7. jaccob slavin (loves his wife, charming, american +5)
  8. elias lindholm (honestly just look at him, so pretty)
  9. brett pesce (eyebrows, american +5, less cute but like he’s not ugly)
  10. older team members: scott darling (from virginia so i’m putting him here), jordan staal (i mean look at him, that jaw, that hair, left the penguins so +15), cam ward (weird goalie charm), derek ryan (american, charming, kept me watching preseason, the dr)

points against:

  1. traded eddie lack (my heart is still broken, i miss you lacko, taco boy, went to calgary pride and took over flames instagram)
  2. toronto’s mitch marner, auston matthews, and william nylander
    1. however they still don’t have sebastian aho so like…
    2. who do they think they are
    3. also i’m mainly just here for marner and matthews
    4. sorry sweden :O  thanks for rask
  3. existence of carey price (the saving grace of the habs, yes i made that joke, i mean look at him though)
  4. i guess other players who y’all are in love with ?? idk who but they’re not canes player hot
    1. being a canes player means that you are hot by association
    2. jeff skinner has not aged in like 10 years
    3. so.
    4. if tyler seguin was traded to the canes he’d get like 250k more followers bc he’d get 250 times more attractive
  5. i’m lesbian and have difficulty telling male attractiveness

CONCLUSION:

the carolina hurricanes (& the charlotte checkers) are the best looking hockey team, and they should use this to their advantage. like if season tickets costing $688 aren’t drawing in the crowds then have skinner and staal just charm a bunch of people into coming. it’ll work i promise. i mean look at them. see points 1-10 for reasons