carole brady

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When this happened and Ryan didn’t break character.

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JULY 14: Jane Lynch (1960-)

Happy birthday to Jane Lynch!! If you’re a Dirty Millennial™ likes us, you might recognize Jane as the menacing, tracksuit wearing Sue Sylvester from Glee, but the famous lesbian comedian has had a career over 40 years in the making!

In 2013, Jane Lynch received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (x). 

Jane was born on June 13, 1960 in Evergreen Park, Illinois to a banker father and a secretary mother. Soon after her birth, the Lynch family moved to Dolton, Illinois, which became the town where Jane spent her youth. After she graduated high school, she originally went to Illinois State University to receive her Bachelor’s degree but she eventually went on to finish out her career in academia by receiving an MFA in theater from the prestigious Cornell University.

After graduating from Cornell, Jane returned home to Illinois and joined Chicago’s Steppenwolf Theatre Company. She spent over 15 years performing for various theater troupes, in many of which she was the only or one of the few female members. Her most notable on-stage role was as Carol Brady in The Annoyance Theater’s The Real Live Brady Bunch. She began her screen career in 1988 with the film Vice Versa and has now appeared in over 18 films and 20 television shows, including her starring turn on Glee and in the iconic lesbian series The L-Word.

In 2005, Jane Lynch was named one of the “10 Amazing Gay Women in Showbiz.” As an out lesbian in Hollywood, she has taken part in many LGBT-themed events, such as starring in the opening play – Oh Sister, My Sister – for the Los Angeles Lesbians in Theater program in 2004, and as performing in 8, a staged reenactment of the trial that overturned Proposition 8.

-LC

I hear a sudden whir across the table and jerk my head up as Ian spins the gun chamber. His narrow mouth is drawn back in a grin and his eyes are unusually bright. ‘This is how easy it is to kill,’ he murmurs. ‘Look at me and then look at the gun. Look at the fucking gun . . .’ I stare past his outstretched arm and straight into his face. The smile doesn’t reach his eyes. I’m thinking: he means it, he’s gonna do it. Ian raises his voice: ‘Into the gun, look into the hole of the gun, you’re not going to see it coming, blink and you won’t even know I’ve shot you, look at the fucking gun . . . You’re about to die . . .’ He squeezes the trigger and I close my eyes tightly, a tremor passing from my skull to my feet. Then silence. I open my eyes slowly. He disengages the chamber and I watch one bullet fall to the floor. I sit with my head still on my shoulders, no screaming agony and no warm blood oozing from the centre of my forehead – just a cold finger of fear scraping down my spine. “That’s how easy it is, Dave.’ His voice is back to its normal low level. ‘You just have to press the fucking trigger . . .’ - Excerpt From the book “Evil Relations” by David Smith & Carol Ann Lee

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q9PzeNdafk)

2

His voice is calm when he says it. One short, sharp breath and out it comes: ‘Listen to me. I’ve killed. I’ve done it. I know what it’s like.’
I don’t believe him.
‘You think I’m lying, don’t you? You think I’m a lying cunt, but it’s been done, I’ve killed, more than once. Ach, but you don’t believe me. Maggots, they’re all fucking maggots …’
I don’t believe him. Through the fever in my head, I’m thinking: like fuck, you haven’t killed anyone. I raise an eyebrow sceptically and it ignites something in him, bringing his words down on my head: ‘I’ve got photographic proof, and you’ve sat on one of the graves. Get the bastards over 16, that’s the easiest way, they’re nothing to the police then, just some sad missing kid, runaways who’ve fucked off to London and the bright lights, file and forget. Jews, winos, queers – who gives a shit about them? They’re fucking germs and worth fuck all, even the police see them as numbers and know the world’s well rid. Who’s gonna give a fuck about some dirty little shirt-lifter? Hitler had the right idea, that’s just my point, he had the right fucking idea …’
Shut up, I’m thinking. Let me lie down and sleep. Talking a load of drunken shite again. Shut your fucking mouth and let me rest.
But the momentum spins; Ian’s pale eyes start out of his head: ‘Listen, there are two ways to do it, I’m fucking telling you, two ways, not just one. First method: get the car and yourself ready, prepare the lot, clean the car, cover the inside with polythene, count all the buttons on what you’re wearing and note everything, mustn’t leave anything behind – do you fucking understand, are you listening? Right, so you get out of the car, find the maggots – Central Station, Union Hotel, Rembrandt bar, queers – just get them, splatter them away. But that’s not the best way to do it, there’s too many risks, you have to clean your clothes and everything else afterwards. Not enough control in the situation” “Second method, this one is better: get them and do them in a place where you have full control, even over the fucking body, you can’t get caught then, ’cause the police are thick fuckers, give them fuck all and they do fuck all. Plan ahead, and if you’re questioned, give them the old spiel about not remembering anything more than ten days ago, that’s normal …’
He sits back suddenly, spent, breathless.
I look at him and his eyes narrow.
‘It will be done again.’ He nods slowly. ‘But this one won’t count. I’m not due another yet, but it will be done.’ His lips curl in a sly smile and I feel unnaturally tired.
He’s speaking again, but my brain scarcely registers his soft, insistent voice: ‘You know what I get from it? Control. You’re in control and that’s the biggest fucking high you’ll ever have, you’re in control. You can even control death, do you fucking understand me, it’s all a matter of control …”

- From the book “Evil Relations” by David Smith & Carol Ann Lee 

Happy Endings Sentence Starters
  • "You're sweating on my bruschetta."
  • "I just thought it'd be better to have an actual professional, not somebody who wears a turtleneck he found on the ground."
  • "Aha! This is a mock turtleneck and I found it in the garbage."
  • "I bartered for this outfit using only illegal Mexican candy, I think I got this."
  • "I look like a quaalude dealer."
  • "He messed with your V necks? That's like messing with a straight guy's crew necks."
  • "Damn you're one hot skinny little witch."
  • "It's called Hollywood, not Hollyfriends."
  • "I picked up my knitting again and you better believe I don't stick to conventional stitches."
  • "Egg nog is delish! Dairy and liquor are really one of those underrated combinations."
  • "Even I think that's gay and I had sex with a dude last night."
  • "Give me that knife and like me more!"
  • "TV really is nature's babysitter."
  • "What's wrong? Did you push the Qtip in too far again?"
  • "Only you would spend hundreds of dollars to get a free 99 cent food item."
  • "My smoothie budget is out of control. Daddy don't do domestic papaya!"
  • "Seriously I got stuck with the check again? What's the point of having white friends?"
  • "Between you and me, I don't think he should be Santa. He has many drawers...sinful drawers."
  • "I wouldn't turn my nose up to dating a mugger, they're entrepreneurs."
  • "I'd rather be surprised by a disappointment than happy with what I expected. It's why I never ask if a pool is heated."
  • "You make a sexy sandwich."
  • "You've been cooped up here way too long. You're starting to "Rear Window" and make stuff up."
  • "What was so important that you had to call us over here, I was right in the middle of doing nothing."
  • "You look like Carol Brady right before she got arrested for molesting Bobby."
  • "You guys are addicted to these addiction shows."
  • "Don't change for a guy, meet a guy and change him."
  • "Every choice you make in your life about everything is monumentally wrong."
  • "This is not the time for jokes guys. Especially when this is the fattest I've ever been. How could you let me out of the house looking this fat?"
  • "C'mon guys, you always leave me hanging with the dirty sound effects."
3

And now, for the worst makeover of the cycle/potentially ever:

1. THE MODEL MULLET

Go ahead and put the word “model” in front of mullet, Tyra, but that doesn’t make it remotely fashionable. Like, I could pretend “model tracheostomy” is a thing…

… but you’re not seeing it on a catwalk anytime soon. “Model mullet” might as well be an oxymoron.

I google image searched “famous mullet” to see if there was any kind of reasonable precedent that I’m forgetting about. Here’s who turns up:

Michael Bolton

Chuck Norris

MacGyver

John Stamos

Billy Ray Cyrus

Andre Agassi

and that kid from Home Improvement.

In fact, I scrolled through 100 photos of men before the first mulleted woman even made an appearance: 

Carol Brady. You know, a true fashion icon from the early ‘70s.

Searching specifically for modern-day models with mullets, most searches point me toward Lindsey Wixson. What websites are calling a “mullet” looks way more trendy and hipster-y than legitimately mullety, though. It’s a big contrast to Ava’s clumpy cut, which - for better or worse - seems more authentic to the trailer park. It’s as if they sewed roadkill to the back of her head.

Everything you need to know about Ava’s haircut can be read from her stylist’s bewildered facial expression:

You gotta give Ava credit. When Yu Tsai first reveals Ava’s mullet makeover, she barely flinches. She just sort of smiles and says, “Oh, okay.” Forget modeling, this girl needs to be an actress. “I’m ready to rock it,” she says post-cut. “I feel great in it, it’s easy, and it’s so fun.” She’s undoubtedly lying her ass off, but it’s fairly convincing, so good on her.

Instead of crying, Ava definitely knows how to keep things in perspective. Here, it seems like she’s reminding herself that it’s not like they gave her a mustache weave. Hey, don’t act like that wasn’t a possibility. Ava winds up thanking Tyra for the cut at panel, but it should be Tyra who’s thanking her for playing along.

Because this? This is sabotage. I already speculated that they fucked up Stefano’s hair for fun since he was already on his way out, but Ava’s haircut is meant to hinder her moving forward. So far, she’s kicked ass in every photoshoot and has to be considered a frontrunner. Four out of the last five winners have been blonde women, and Tyra isn’t trying to name another. At least Tyra gave Ava best photo once before eliminating her a few weeks from now for not looking “high fashion” enough despite being handicapped with a fucking mullet.

It’s a shame ‘cause I’ve really liked Ava so far. She’s fun, she’s kind, and she stands up for herself and her friends when warranted. She’s also not condescending or homophobic like we’ve come to expect from a lot of reality television Christians.

Mullets are said to be “business in the front, party in the back.” With this cut, though, no one’s going to want to conduct business or throw a party with Ava from either side. Even if you’re not as religious as Ava, do her a favor and pray for her. She needs it.

7 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 22 Ep. 4