You were one of the Auradon Prep kids, meaning your mother was a princess and your father a prince, but that didn’t stop you from hanging out with the four from the Isle of the Lost and playing a game of truth or dare with them. How bad could the dares possibly be? Carlos didn’t even have it in him to hurt a fly and Evie was just a sweetheart along with Mal and Jay proving how kind they actually are underneath the facade.
“Alright Carlos, truth or dare?” Mal asked starting up the game as Carlos choose truth. “Out of all of us here, who do you find the most attractive?” She questioned as Carlos and Jay shot each other quick and panicked glances as Jay bit his lip, secretly hoping no one took notice in that.
“Um, I have to say y/n. Who’s next?” Carlos clearly lied and did his best to move the game along. It was already obvious that the two of them had a thing for each other but no one decided to mention it until they were ready to admit that.
“Y/N, truth or dare?” Jay asked and being that you didn’t want to be outed on who you liked, you chose dare without hesitation.
“Okay goody two shoes, I dare you to go steal something out of Charming’s room. Anything big or small, doesn’t matter, try not to get caught though,” he told you with a smug look on his face knowing you weren’t one to do anything of the sort but you were dared and you couldn’t back down from that.
“Simple I’ll be back in a minute,” you answered him standing up and heading to Chad’s room praying he wasn’t there. Stealing a comb from someone was way easier than having to admit your crush on Evie, thankfully you chose dare.
carlos imagine where your captains hook’s daughter and are ike brave and stuff and carlos’ kind of gf from back on the isle and when you get to auradon audrey tries to embarrass you by challenging you to a cheerleading tryout thing but you actually kick ass
You got it (Changed the romance a bit, I hope that’s cool)
“Son of a-”
“Language,” Carlos said, walking up next to you.
“Shut up de Vil, my essay that I wrote for the stupid goodness class is missing.”
“You mean this?” he asked, holding up the paper. “You left it in our room last night when you were helping Jay write his.”
You snatched it from him. “Oh, thank god.”
“Nope, I’m just Carlos.”
You pointed at him. “de Vil, I swear to god.”
He grinned and ran off. You stuffed the paper in your bag and shut your locker, smiling to yourself.
“Aw, does someone have a crush?” a familiar whiny voice asked.
You squeezed your eyes shut. “Hi Audrey.”
“I can’t believe the heartless, leather wearing pirate has feelings!”
You glared at her. “I never said I had a crush on him.”
“ugh, whatever. Look, there’s a cheerleading competition to try and find a new member for the cheer team. You should come check it out.”
You made a face. “Cheerleading isn’t really my thing.”
“Oh, well, if it’s too hard for you…”
You knew she was baiting you but you couldn’t resist it. “I’ll be there.”
“I can’t believe you agreed to this,” Carlos said. “It’s so not like you.”
You groaned. “She challenged me! You guys know I can’t resist a challenge.”
“(Y/N)!” Audrey cried. “So glad you could make it!”
“Where’s everyone else?” you asked with your hands on your hips.
“They couldn’t make it. I guess you’ll be going against me!”
You groaned. “Get on with it then,” you muttered.
Someone started playing music and Audrey did her routine. When she finished, she took a swig from her water bottle and then turned to you. “Your turn,” she said smugly.
You took off your jacket and tossed it on the bleachers. You were glad you had decided not to wear a waist cincher today.
“Carlos, music please.”
“Gladly,” he said, grinning.
You had spent a lot of time on board your father’s ship, and pirates were surprisingly into dance offs. You had been breakdancing since you were very small. Flipping around in the riggings helped too.
When you finished, everyone stared at you in shock.
“Wow,” Carlos said, staring at you with his mouth hanging open.
Audrey sniffed. “Well. It looks like the pirate can dance. But you’re not on the team.”
“Wait a minute!” Jay said indignantly. “She danced better than you and you know it.”
“Well this wasn’t a dance competition. It was a cheerleading competition.”
“Audrey,” one of the girls said. “We kind of think we should let her on the team. Like, not in routines, but give her solos to get the crowd pumped.”
Audrey gasped a little. “Are-are you serious? You want to let her on the squad so she can dance for people?”
“Yeah. We all want to. It’s kind of a majority thing.”
Audrey stomped her foot. “But then she’ll be better than me!”
ANTMFunny: All right, Stiffy Doo… may I call you Stiffy Doo?
Adam “Stiffy-Doo” Smith: That was the critique I got all season, but I was like whatever. It’s Tyra - she can nickname me whatever she wants! I didn’t think I was stiff, I guess that’s just my demeanor.
ANTMFunny: I never really understood how you were supposedly so drunk and so stiff at the same time.
Adam: I was never actually drunk for the photo shoots. That was one of the only things I was actually pissed about [watching the show.] They edited it like, “Oh, now that Adam’s sobered up, his pictures are better,” but I only ever drank in the house.
ANTMFunny: Got it.
Adam: Well, actually I drank before one shoot. Getting back to your point about Keith trying to sabotage me, Keith got me to drink before one shoot where they had hinted that we’d have to be naked. Keith was nervous about getting naked [ANTMFunny: I see no reason for Keith to be nervous about getting naked] so we each did a shot. The cameramen tried to get it on camera, but we hid it from them.
ANTMFunny: Which shoot was that?
Adam: The No Glove/No Love shoot.
ANTMFunny: Oh yeah, that one made a lot of sense.
Adam: It was such a weird time. We walk in and there’s a fishbowl full of condoms, and then there’s Miss J and Yu Tsai talking about AIDS. Next, we’re wearing feathered gloves. I was like, man, this is fucking bizarre.
ANTMFunny: What’s not to get? You’re putting on metaphorical condoms and then having “self-love.”
Adam: [laughs] That was the biggest joke photo shoot. The Cory-bot shoot was ridiculous, too - those two are probably the easiest to make fun of.
Adam: [laughs] Yeah, okay, I’ll tell you the Romeo story. It’s his birthday, and everyone was pretty drunk, he was probably the drunkest. He claims he was blacked out, I don’t if we’ll ever know the true answer to that. He was being pretty ridiculous, he was in the bedroom and trying to grab Keith’s dick. He was just joking around, but he was out of control. [Adam then recaps a lot of what we saw on the show.] The producers were trying to get me to walk away to my room. I actually did walk away to my room, and was like, “All right, we’ll handle this tomorrow,” but then Romeo said something like, “That’s right, you walk away, you pussy!” and I was like “Why did you have to say that? I’m not going to have you out here looking like a tough guy on camera while I walk away.”
Adam: I don’t think he ever actually meant to hit me. They’re very clear on the zero tolerance violence policy. I think since I was not reacting to him at all and kind of laughing in his face, he didn’t think I was taking him seriously enough, and then he just head-butted me. I was so shocked that he did it!… Everyone was very happy when he went home. We actually weren’t sure what would happen – would they actually stick to the rules? I think [otherwise] they would have kept him around for a while just for the sake of drama.
ANTMFunny: Yeah I don’t think they wanted to get rid of him yet.
Adam: Yeah, but they had to; they were very upfront with the no violence thing at the start of the competition.
ANTMFunny: Next question:
Adam: This is from when Mirjana was coming at me for being too drunk. This is when I really didn’t know her and really didn’t like her at all.
ANTMFunny: How drunk would you have to be for Mirjana to beat you at an athletic competition?
Adam: I don’t think she ever could. Mirjana’s not an athletic girl. I think I could be blackout drunk and still win.
ANTMFunny: There’s no event she could beat you at?
Adam: No, there’s no decathlon event where she could beat me.
ANTMFunny: You got flack for not being tall enough to model, did you ever consider borrowing Will’s heels?
Adam: Haha, I don’t think I could have pulled off heels like Will can. I could have used some inches though for sure. I was taller than all of the girls barely… wait, sorry, I’m not taller than Raelia. Raelia’s huge. But when the girls wore heels, I was the shortest one in the competition.
ANTMFunny: We saw you bark and jump around a lot on the show, do you do that in real life, too?
Adam: [The producers] always want high energy. When we’re coming off the bus or we’re coming into the room to be greeted by the judges, production would be like, “Oh no, cut cut! Do that again with more energy!” So the joke was that I’d freak out and go, “OOOAAHH! [does a primal scream] and production would have to say, “Do that again with less energy.”
ANTMFunny: Did any of the girls think they actually had a chance of winning or was it discussed that Tyra would probably choose a guy?
Adam: That was never a point of discussion, but in my head even from just watching the last season, I think most people would think she’s going to pick a guy to win this season no matter what. When I made the house, I thought I had a 1 in 7 chance of winning. But yeah, I never heard the girls really say that or complain or anything. Maybe there was a chance if, like last season, someone like Jourdan is head and shoulders above the competition.
ANTMFunny: Yeah, I don’t think Tyra wanted to give it to her, but then she was like, “Damn, Jourdan has to win.”
Adam: Yeah, she had six best photos. I mean, Lenox had three best photos. If they had continued to give Lenox best photos, they kind of saw the direction it was going in. I’m a novice, but in my eyes, Lenox is an awesome model and after three best photos, they were like, “Uh oh, can’t do that anymore or we’re going to have to let Lenox win.”
Adam: No, not yet, but I am going to blow up the photo of me and Tyra and put that somewhere in my house.
ANTMFunny: Maybe you should put it in your bedroom. Are you concerned that Tyra thought you might be awful in bed during your Fierce Fantasy Headroll lesson?
Adam: I don’t think I was doing that bad at the fierce headroll whatever! The producers also took a shot at me during casting week for my ideal day. I think they said “10:01 sex, 10:03 breakfast.”
ANTMFunny: It was underreported, but it also made it seem like you had sex for six and a half hours between 3:30 and 10.
Adam: [ignoring my tantric sex reference, and probably rightfully so] I was pretty scared of my mom watching that first episode. My parents are pretty good sports, though. They obviously know me, they know I’m fucking around a lot. [ANTMFunny: You’ll have to ask Adam whether “fucking around” means joking or sexing.]
ANTMFunny: Was there really a romance with you and Shei? And is she a better kisser than Soy the bulldog?
Adam: Haha, I think [the producers] wanted there to be a romance since Mirjana and Denzel was all they got, but no. I kissed Shei in the confessional twice, just making out drunk for the camera. There was nothing more. I figure I’m not going to have sex with any of the girls, but I will make out with them. I got Shei, I got Lenox if you count the acting challenge, I got Mirjana also at the end of the [stilt] runway, but they cut that out. [ANTMFunny: With a lamp shade over his face?! I should have asked about that.] Only three of the girls were over 21. I just turned 27. I got family watching: grandparents and aunts and uncles. I don’t need to be banging any 18 year olds on national TV. [ANTMFunny: Cough cough, Denzel.]
ANTMFunny: Did you get “gorgeous porn star” Jamie Rae’s phone number at least?
Adam: You know, I really wish I would have! I got her Instagram though. All of the girls I was laying the groundwork with [in semifinals] were cut before the house. They didn’t show this girl Amanda who was smoking hot and another girl Emily. I think I was on the same page as most of the guys. We were all upset when they cut this girl Kate Up… what was her name? Kate Compton, I almost said Kate Upton. I thought that maybe it’s a blessing in disguise since I won’t be distracted.
ANTMFunny: What’s Miss J like?
Adam: She’s weird… I guess she can be funny sometimes? You know, for the first runway show, I had only watched cycle 20, so when everyone was freaking out at the big unveiling of Miss J, I didn’t know what was going on. I had no idea who Miss J was. Maybe if I had seen past seasons I would have warmed to her character more. There was one point where I didn’t even know what she preferred to be called. I was talking to the camera and I stopped to ask about pronouns. I was like, “Wait is she a he or she? I’m being serious!” and the camera guy was just laughing at me.
Adam: Is she a transsexual or is he just going by “Miss J”?
ANTMFunny: He actually got that nickname from someone on the first season.
Adam: There was a Mr. Jay, right?
ANTMFunny: Yeah, well there were two Jays, so then this uptight Christian girl – well woman, I suppose, she was pretty old [ANTMFunny: Sorry/notsorry, Robyn!] – called one Mr. Jay and one Miss Jay just to differentiate them and it stuck.
Adam: The funny thing is he doesn’t come across as gay really to me! Especially at first, just in his demeanor or speech or the way he dresses. I didn’t know if he was gay or transsexual.
ANTMFunny: I don’t think we still know if it’s a genuine identity or just a character after 21 cycles, to be honest! But I would agree that he used to be funnier back when the show wasn’t entirely a joke, he added levity to the situation. Whereas now, you don’t need as much levity, I guess, unless it’s Franco.
Adam: Yeah, I agree, Franco is definitely the funniest of all the judges.
Adam: Oh man, I share your view on Franco, I think he’s an incredible character, like a gay Arnold Schwarzenegger. He should be a staple on the show.
ANTMFunny: Is he similar to how he comes across on the show?
Adam: He is exactly like that. I was cracking up the first night we were introduced to him. Maybe he’s acting for a reality show, but I’m pretty sure that’s him. If Tyra were smart, she’d bring him back for Yu Tsai’s job next season.
Adam: I didn’t know until someone pointed it out, and then once I did see them kind of… I never saw them kiss, but some people say they did, but I did notice them canoodling. Good for him. Banging Tyra Banks on the side! Classic. He’s the man.
ANTMFunny: All right, what was the single funniest moment of the show for you?
Adam: The hardest I laughed while on the show… can I say something that wasn’t on TV?
Adam: At some points when we’re drinking, they’re just like, “All right, we got enough footage for tonight, we’re not going to show you binge drinking on tv, just go have fun.” So we weren’t on camera and we were playing Never Have I Ever. It was “never have I ever sucked a dick” and the girls put down their fingers. Raelia puts down her finger and she goes, screaming of course, ‘cause she’s loud, “I sucked a penis before, I love sucking penis! I sucked a penis before and I’ll suck it again!” Then, from behind the walls, you hear a producer yell out [in a deep voice] “OH YEAHHHHHHHH!” She got embarrassed because you forget that they’re even there, but they’re always watching. Everyone just died laughing.
ANTMFunny: Is that how we missed the Will/Matthew kiss?
Adam: I wasn’t actually there, but this is the story I was told after: Matt was saying, “I’ve got no filter, I’ll say whatever, I’ll do whatever, I don’t give a fuck!” And Raelia said, “All right, I dare you to whip your dick out.” And he just did it. And then Romeo’s like, all right, I dare you to kiss Will, and he just went over and kissed Will. The next morning, they turned it into a bisexual thing. That was kind of weird. I’ve chilled with Matt a lot here in LA - he parties on my level – and from what I can tell, I don’t think he’s bisexual. But yeah, for whatever reason, they didn’t have it on camera. There’s usually only one camera guy working late at night and if he’s on break or in a different room… If they did get it on camera, they 100% would have shown it.
ANTMFunny: I think so, too.
Adam: There was a lot of stuff like that on camera, though, and I guess they had to cut it out. They could have made a quality show if it didn’t have to be on the CW network.
ANTMFunny: And if they gave up the pretense of it being a modeling show, maybe…
Adam: Yeah. The cast was great, everyone was funny. Watching the show, I was like, man, we had better footage – they could have made this so much better.
ANTMFunny: All right, Adam, thanks for being so generous with your time. Komsayameda!
(This interview has been condensed and edited.)
If any other people from the ANTM universe want to shoot the shit with me at some point, drop me a line: Kevinbabbles@gmail.com