I watched Atlantis for the first time since I was little last night and I’m not the type to rewatch movies ? I don’t rlly like it I haven’t figured out why yet… my sister mentioned the other day how she feels a huge disconnect w non-immigrant kids who watchd movies when they were younger BC when we were little we didn’t know english. And I know the same goes for me but I just hadn’t gotten to that conscious realization yet … (the topic was the never-ending catching up we have to do w American pop culture bc we were not born here) but I’ll tell u a secret… Lizzie McGuire ? Never watch it never got the hype, even Stevens ? Nope, the one w the Cory guy n topanga gorl? I never watched it ! They’re not secrets they’re just things I don’t acknowledge ? Hmm I’ll tell u an actual secret about me tho - i wanted to be white more than my sister did bc in my eyes she lucked out coming here younger. She has all /alternative/ knowledge of American culture esp black culture n latino that I do not and it’s bc I stuck to the “whiter” side of it all just for the sake of seeming more “American” which is funny bc we live in Miami ? The white culture “standard” here is not the same as the rest of the country ….
I have all these memories of when I was younger and I always cry retelling them bc I’m reliving them as I speak n my childhood is sad but not for the reasons you’d think ?? I was a lonely kid I was quiet n had hard times making friends n I’ve always felt like I am hard to love or accept ? Maybe that’s why I cry bc how does a 8 yr old know they have to conform to all these things in order to Belong? I had the opportunity to talk about being undocumented for this storytelling video series my internship organized and they had this filming crew n it was the first time I had told ANYONE about my inner thoughts as a little immigrant girl - my first day at school in a diff country - the scent of our first apartment - the warmth of hugging my mom for the first time in two yrs …. there was so much I Let out and I’m crying just as much now as I did when I was telling these two girls from New York who didn’t know of my pain didn’t know Me but were filming me and asking me questions ! I think I’m more like my mom than I realize sometimes- “I need to raise strong daughters bc the world is a tough place” she says whenever we get sad about certain things, and I think of how she doesn’t cry at anything rlly and doesn’t speak of past memories often and if I ask her she says things nonchalantly n fast almost like she doesn’t want to visit that memory for too long… maybe she Knows it’ll make her emotional to talk about things Maybe she has unresolved issues too but knows she has no time to relive and rehurt again… I don’t think I Neglect my past emotions but I just don’t go Looking for them bc I know what I’ll find … I guess it’s part of being self-aware ?