“Anakin’s fear is a kind of dragon. A cold kind. A dead kind.
Not nearly dead enough. That is the kind of fear that lives inside Anakin Skywalker: the dragon of a dead star. It
is an ancient, cold dead voice within his heart that whispers all things die…” “The dragon reminds him, every night, that someday he will lose Obi-Wan. He will lose
Padmé. Or they will lose him.
All things die, Anakin Skywalker. Even stars burn out…”
The college AU that nobody asked for but that @tokugawalady and I created and love anyway. This is and will be an Ieyasu x MC fic.
I hope you enjoy!
can’t be serious.” Toramatsu hissed, picking up another pair of ruined pants.
“You. Cannot. Be. Serious.” He shook his head, almost unable to process what
of his clothes, from the clean clothes he laid on the floor last night to his
pile of dirty laundry, they all had holes in them. Not just holes, they had
been chewed to shreds.
looked up, finally noticing that his door was cracked just slightly. Hadn’t he
closed it before he had gone to sleep? A trickle of anxiety flowed through his veins, he had a feeling he knew what had happened.
he stepped over to the door, opening it and coming face to face with the
clothes-ruining culprit. His eyes widened. No, there was no way.
groaned, slamming the door behind him, a strangled yell leaving his mouth.
“That’s it! This is the last straw Tokugawa. I’m moving
out!” He started pulling out his suitcases, not even bothering to throw away
He didn’t even have any clothes to wear to class.
getting evicted.” MC grimaced, thrusting the letter into Inuchiyo’s face. “For
real this time.”
real this time?” He snatched the paper from her hand, taking a moment to read
I am.” MC collapsed into the seat next to him, massaging her temples. “What am
I going to do?”
were late on your payments again?”
She hissed, taking the paper back. “It’s the Manager! He’s a creep. I turned
him down. Now I don’t have anywhere to live.” She looked exasperated. “Are we
on the same page now?”
what are you going to do? I already told you I’d take care of that creep but
you wouldn’t let me.”
I don’t know, find a new place to live? Drop out and move back home? Move in to
the campus library, maybe? I’m here all day anyway.” MC dropped her head onto
can stay with me?” Inuchiyo offered, patting her back.
Hideyoshi, Mitsunari, and Hanbei in your two-bedroom apartment? No offense but I
think I like the library idea better.” MC laughed, shaking her head. “I do
appreciate it though.” She glanced at her phone, eyes widening.
“We’re going to be late for class!”
do you think you’re going?” The familiar cheerfully cold voice chilled
Toramatsu to the bone.
wasn’t joking, I’m moving out.” Toramatsu glanced around, hoping to look
anywhere but the eyes of his roommates.
forgot to water the plants.” Ieyasu continued, trailing his hand over the
leaves of one of the many pieces of his ‘special’ indoor garden.
don’t think missing one day is going to kill your profits, Tokugawa.” Toramatsu
tried to ignore his line of thought. “Seriously, I’m packed, I found another
place to stay. I’m gone.”
over little Ichigo?” Ieyasu sounded amused, pointing at the little demon, the
floppy eared rabbit that single-handedly put him in pajamas.
thing isn’t a rabbit, it is a demon.” Toramatsu stepped back as the bunny
hopped closer, wary of its sharp teeth. That little beast was barely a pet, it
was just as threatening as a fierce guard dog. Over his almost six months living here, he had
seen it send three separate people to the ER.
wasn’t going to become a statistic.
words, I seem to remember that you were the one who said you’d ‘cook her in a
wasn’t even talking to you! I was on the phone and in my room!.” Toramatsu pulled the front door open. “This is just part of the problem, the tip a very very deep iceberg.”
course, if you break the lease like this, I will have to pursue legal action.” Ieyasu shrugged, noting how Toramatsu froze at his words. “But, I’m a generous person, as you know.” He was smiling again, in that way that seemed to make the room 20 degrees colder, a smirk in his voice. “So if you can find someone to take your
place in the next few hours, then I won’t say anything about you being such a
dismal roommate and I won’t contact my attorney”
Toramatsu!” MC shouted, jogging up to him in the hallway outside of their
lecture hall. “Are you okay?” She looked concerned, but he really didn’t have
time. He had to find a replacement.
No I’m fine.” He replied, a flustered tone to his voice. “Do I not look fine?”
in pajamas.” She countered. “I’ve never seen you on this campus in the entirety of the three years I’ve been taking classes with you in anything less than your Sunday
About that. I’m moving out of my apartment, so this is all…I had?” He gestured
to his pajama ensemble, a blush on his face.
moving out?” MC seemed to perk up at that. “I am too! Well, I’m being evicted,
so that is less exciting but-“
Toramatsu turned to her, wide eyed. Oh
no, he shouldn’t do what he was about to do, but…but, he needed to. He needed
to get out of there. “Do you need a place to stay?”
“Y-Yeah.” MC gasped, stopping in her tracks. “Do you have a place? I mean, is your old place available?”
can take my place.” Toramatsu was yanking out a notepad, scrawling his address
and information down. “I am having to move out because of extenuating
circumstances, so my roommate needs someone to move in, ASAP.” He thrust the
paper at her. “Be there at 6 pm tonight and I guarantee you’ll have a place to
a second, will he mind living with a woman? How much is the rent?”
than your place for sure, and no, I don’t think Ieyasu cares.”
MC recognized that name, Tokugawa Ieyasu. He was a senior, pre-pharm. His
reputation was…less than pleasant.
didn’t really have a choice now did she?
Yeah I’ll be there.”
you so much!” Toramatsu seemed so relieved.
Shit, MC thought to herself, I have made a huge mistake.
Six on the dot and MC stood outside of the
apartment, a nervous sort of energy making her tense.
was fine. She was good roommate material. No strange quirks, no demanding
she was sure…sure he was not a bad person. Couldn’t be! After all, Toramatsu
hadn’t told her anything too awful, other than the rumors she had already
those were just rumors…right?
knocked on the door, rocking on her heels, and when it swung open, she couldn’t
help but jump back in alarm.
there he was.
infamous Tokugawa Ieyasu.
words were stolen from her throat as she glanced him over, even his molten
copper eyes that make her shiver from the look in them were…stunning.
this was a bad idea.
you’re the unfortunate woman who agreed to take Toramatsu’s place?” His smile
never faltered from his face, and never ever met his eyes. He backed away from
the door, allowing MC to walk in behind him.
to my apartment.”
looked around, an incredulous look growing on her face.
house was filled with…Marijuana plants?
it was too late, wasn’t it?
took a breath, steeling herself.
was going to live here whether she liked it or not, it was too good of an
opportunity to pass up.
why do I feel like no one in my life believes I have BPD? Even my psych doesn’t want to diagnose me with it, yet, she sent me to DBT group???? Like all I hear is “that’s a very complex thing”, “you’re still pretty young, your brain is growing” and all that. All of this gives me so much identity problems and anxiety and like; what if I just made it all up in my head, what if I don’t really have it, what if I just fake all the symptoms to fit in with the criteria.
I can’t believe I, a kind and decent person, should have to be subjected to that bullshit post about how Axel is the most tragic character in Kingdom Hearts when he gets to become a hero with a Keyblade despite doing fuck all other than betray everyone who cared about him when there’s:
- Aqua who sacrificed herself to save her best friends only to see them both succumb to Xehanort, forced to spend a literal decade in the Realm of Darkness with nothing but her own guilt and regrets for company
- Terra who was manipulated into killing his mentor and then whose body was literally taken over by Xehanort, especially given that it’s implied he’s semi-conscious of everything Xehanort/Xemnas is doing in his body
- Ventus, who was nearly killed by Xehanort and lost all his memories, then when he’d managed to build a good life together with friends he loved had that torn away from him by Xehanort again. He literally asks Terra and Aqua to kill him so he doesn’t have to fight Vanitas and form the X-Blade but sure Jan
- Vanitas’ entire existence was pain and suffering!! It was so bad that he would do anything to stop existing!!! his entire motivation was wanting to die!!
- Roxas and Xion had no memories or experiences other than of the Organisation! At least Lea got to have a childhood, even if it was taken from him. All Roxas and Xion knew was the oppressive environment of the Organisation where they were (literally in Xion’s case) puppets of Xemnas. Roxas literally assisted in Xion’s suicide!! Then he gave up his own life for Sora!!! They’re both literally dead but okay!!
- Isa/Saix was groomed by Xemnas, betrayed by Axel and finally forced to become a vessel against his own will (he was. literally stolen by YMX. All the other former nobodies escaped except Isa (Braig went of his own volition). But no that’s less tragic than Lea somehow
- Think for a second about how Ienzo was literally twelve when he lost his heart he hadn’t even gone through puberty imagine going through such a huge bulk of your formative years not only without a heart, but in the Organisation
- Namine ??? A short, tragic life of suffering and sacrifice?? She literally went along with the Organisation because she was so lonely and desperate for friends??? she’s dead too by the way
- Yeah Lea/Axel went through some rough times but he’s pulling through he’s had a redemption arc that makes no sense and now he’s bffs with Kairi who he kidnapped because she’d totally forgive him
- It’s so heavily implied that Axel turned his back on Saix when Saix needed him most like I’m sorry but Xemnas was absolutely abusing him and the first thing abusers do is isolate their victims from their friends and Axel just let that happen because he cared more about creeping on a pair of vulnerable children than his childhood friend’s safety
- Kairi’s total lack of character development is more tragic than Axel fight me
The Causes and Cures of Insomnia (according to Oikawa Tooru)
He told him not to call. But he wants to so badly. Every fiber of his being except for his racing brain urges him to hit speed dial, because of course his number is the one that would be there. Oikawa looks at the picture on his nightstand but it’s just a blur in the dark. He turns on the light, hopes that will help, but it doesn’t. It just makes the image seem small and not nearly enough.
A whimper escapes his mouth and he throws his phone across the room. Why? Why can’t he call? He’s so used to calling Iwaizumi that doing anything else feels wrong. He’s cold, and his mind is lost. For as long as he’s known, Iwaizumi’s been the only one who could find it. How will he find his way, now?
With this manner of thought on repeat, the night passes slowly. Oikawa leaves the house as the sun rises, though it’s still about three hours too early to go to school. He tries not to look at the house next door. Wills himself to focus on the brilliance of a sky that looks dull to his tired eyes and mind and heart. Tries to zero-in on the birds chirping back and forth, but that only makes him remember how alone and ungrounded he is. Attempts not to break down because Iwa-chan is so close but so incredibly far away and fails miserably. He relents and turns his head and freezes.
Because there he is, sitting on the step in front of the door to the house Oikawa had tried so hard to ignore. “Iwa-chan…” he whispers. Iwaizumi can’t hear him. There’s no way. But he apparently see’s his lips move, because something in his expression shifts. He offers Oikawa a somewhat tentative wave and Oikawa tries to stop his hand from shaking. When that fails, he returns the wave with a nod.
“Good morning, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi says, walking over. The expression on his face is one which he’s been wearing more often recently, but Oikawa still can’t identify it’s meaning. He finds himself thinking that it almost looks like disappointment and wonders irrationally if Iwaizumi really can read his thoughts. “You’re up early.”
“I.” Oikawa suddenly can’t speak. “Mhm,” he manages.
They stare at each other for a few seconds, and then both speak at once.
Then they fall silent again. Iwaizumi’s lips quirk up into a smile and Oikawa’s stomach drops.
“What’s going on, Oikawa?”
But Oikawa just shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. He remembers, finally, how to act normal, and urges his lips to find that wide smile he normally wears. “It’s nothing, Iwa-chan! I just had to get up to do my hair!”
With a fluttery wave and a peace sign, he’s moving back into his house, leaving Iwaizumi looking after him thoughtfully but eventually returning to his own home to prepare breakfast.
They both emerge later to walk to school together in their usual silence. It feels a bit more tense than normal to them both, but neither comments. Iwaizumi notes that Oikawa’s smile looks more painful than normal. Oikawa notes that his smile is a bit more painful than normal. He attributes it to lack of sleep.
For Oikawa, the day passes by in a blur of loud noise, half-closed eye lids, and sore cheeks. He is glad when it is time to practice, but finds even the familiar motions of setting to be a struggle. Since he’s at the center of his team, everyone notices. Iwaizumi scolds him, but nobody else comments. The coach tells them to go home early, and for once Oikawa is grateful instead of angry.
As soon as he starts walking home, he can tell Iwaizumi isn’t going to let this slide. It could be his imagination, but Oikawa can practically feel the anger and disappointment rolling off of his best friend in waves.
“Hey.” Oikawa looks up. Iwaizumi doesn’t sound angry. He doesn’t look angry either. He looks… tired. And that might be even worse than angry. Guilt wells up in Oikawa’s chest.
“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan. I’ll practice extra–”
“Oi, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi’s words are harsh, but his voice is still quiet. “That’s not– I wasn’t– I’m not mad at you. Or disappointed. Or anything. I just– well. Are you okay?”
Oikawa hums. He wonders how Iwa-chan can look so mean but be so nice. “It’s nothing, Iwa-chan, really.”
Iwaizumi grunts but doesn’t push it. They part ways in front of Iwaizumi’s house and Oikawa lets his smile drop with great relief as he turns away.
The relief fades quickly as he enters the empty house. His shoes fall of his feet and he falls onto the couch, not even having the energy to go up to his room. But he doesn’t sleep. He thinks about everything that went wrong today. He thinks about how he should be studying for his test tomorrow but can’t remember what class the test is even in. He thinks about how he could at least be practicing to make up for playing terribly today. He thinks about Iwaizumi, and why he had pulled away from him. He wonders if he finally became too annoying for Iwa-chan to deal with. Too loud. Too arrogant. Too much. He wonders if Iwaizumi knows that he can only act like that because Iwa-chan is there. Because he thought Iwa-chan would always be there.
Eventually he decides that lying there doing nothing is the absolute worst feeling, so he gets up and grabs a volleyball from the garage. It’s chilly outside, but the bite of the wind feels good. It keeps him awake. He practices some light sets at first, but quickly progresses into angry serves that don’t ever seem to hit the driveway right where he wants them to. It isn’t until one of them hits a vase filled with dead flowers near his garage that Oikawa snaps out of his stupor. The thing just shatters, and Oikawa shatters with it. He crumples. His knees buckle. Now his stoic expression falls. So do tears. Breathing becomes impossible. He wonders if he’s dying.
And then Iwa-chan is in front of him, arms crossed, looking down, and Oikawa wants to run. He doesn’t want Iwa-chan to see him like this, doesn’t want to be more of a burden. But Iwaizumi reaches out and catches his arm before he can flee. Desperate, Oikawa attempts to rub the tears off his face, but they are quickly replaced by the now steady flow.
“Huh?” He says, trying to play it off. “Iwa-chan, let go. I’m fine. I just- just have something- in my eyes. Both eyes. Really. Iwa-chan. Everything–” He swallows. “Everything’s fine.”
But Iwaizumi won’t let go. He leads Oikawa to the Iwaizumi’s car and deposits him in the passenger seat.
“Um. Iwa-chan. What are you–”
“We’re going on a drive.”
“I don’t think your dad–”
“It’s fine. He’s on a work trip.”
“Do you even know how–d”
“It’s fine, Oikawa, just relax,” Iwaizumi shushes him and starts the car. “Seriously. Take a nap. Or just sleep the whole night.”
“Go to sleep, Shittykawa.”
With his eyes already growing heavy, Oikawa has no more energy to protest, and he drifts off without another word. Always a light sleeper, he wakes up when he feels the car come to a stop.
“Where are we?” He asks sleepily. Iwaizumi scratches his chin.
“Not entirely sure.”
“What?” Oikawa looks out the window in alarm. “Iwa-chan, are you kidnapping me or something? We’re in the middle of nowhere! How long have we been driving, anyway?”
“About two hours. It’s fine. We have more than enough gas to get home. And there’s less traffic here. Just get out of the car already.”
Not sure what else to do, Oikawa complies. And when he does, the view takes his breath away.
“Iwa-chan, the sky…” He trails off.
“Yeah.” The sky is full of stars. It’s incredible, to say the least.
“But, Iwa-chan, why–”
“Because you haven’t been sleeping. I thought it might help. I wanted… to help.”
Oikawa is immediately overcome with confusion.
“But, Iwa-chan, you… Why? Why didn’t you– Why did you tell me not to call?” Oikawa shakes his head, presses the heels of his hands to his eyes, wonders if he’s still dreaming. “Iwa-chan, you help me sleep even better than the stars. I thought– I thought you didn’t care.”
A blush creeps up Iwaizumi’s neck - the other reason he’d decided to take Oikawa to the darkest place he could find. Still, he isn’t cruel enough to leave him in the dark forever. If he were more courageous, it wouldn’t have taken him even this long to fix.
“Oikawa.” He tries to swallow but his throat is suddenly dry and he coughs instead. “I– Well. It wasn’t anything you did. I guess, if anything, it was because I care too much.”
“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa says breathlessly. “What are you trying to say?”
“Just. I think. I somehow… fell in love with you. And I didn’t think it was right to keep sleeping–”
Oikawa sacrifices hearing what exactly Iwaizumi thought wasn’t right in exchange for silencing him with a kiss. It’s soft, quiet, lighter than air and, in that moment, even more necessary.
Careful footsteps creep through the Narrow to avoid peering whisperers who seek the silence. Quick footsteps follow, with frantic urgency in an attempt to undo forgotten songs. Slow deliberately planned footsteps inch closer towards the veil, sheathed in folds of silk.
Footsteps advance, in different directions, to the same location. Some believe they know what waits for them. This, of course, is false. But that’s part of the beauty. Believing what you need to, in order to make it there, and changing on the way, adjusting beliefs.
Mind-amalgam fed by the Outside, as you walk towards the Unknown.
The OTP This is the big one. The number one ship. The One True Pairing. This can change over time and people-ironically-often have a bunch of otps, especially in fandoms with a lot of characters. Everything about this ship will be reblogged and reviewed and kudos will be left. Usually not a rare pair. If this is canon, you are very lucky, and probably have a lot of fellow shippers.
The I-Ship-it You like this ship. It’s on your shipping page. You reblog cute photos of them if you like the picture. You read and leave kudos on work, but rarely a comment. You like them, but not that much This is rare pair territory.
The I-See-It You are okay with this ship. No strong feelings either way, but if you find a picture with them in it, and it’s really well done, you might reblog it, or just like it. It’s all right as a side pairing in a fanfic, but bigger ones, you will probably pass over, unless it’s a very good one.
The Meh You really don’t care. If canon, it never garnered your attention enough to make you interested or not interested. Don’t really see it or care for it, but don’t actively dislike it, either.
The I-Don’t-See-It You aren’t really a fan of this ship. You don’t see what’s to like, and, frankly, it makes you roll your eyes when you see others gushing over it. You probably won’t ever read a fanfiction with this as a main pair, but if it’s a side pair, you guess you might let it slide.
(I-See-It, Meh, and I-Don’t-See-It can often slide and are more or less fluid, sometimes dependent upon canon and your own mood. All three can be considered ‘Rare Pair territory’)
The I-Don’t-Ship-It We’re getting into ‘ew’ territory. You tag your impressions of this ship with ‘ship hate’’ just in case. You don’t really like talking about it, and you’ll scroll right past any pictures of them. This could be the make or break part of a fanfiction, and it makes your day worse to hear or think about them.
The NOTP You hate this ship. Anything you have to say on this will be ship hate and if you don’t tag, you’ll end up with angry anons in your box. This will be on your blacklist, and any fanficion with it will be passed right by, thank you very much. You’re not in the mood for throwing up your dinner. If this is canon, you are truly in hell.
Others (Note: These may or may not fit into a category above, or into multiple categories. Some will overlap.)
The Will-Everyone-Please-Stop-Talking-About-this You didn’t really care for this ship. Or maybe you even grudgingly liked it and had to admit that it was good. But the fandom is so obsessed with talking about it that it’s become the thorn in your side. You hate this ship with a vengeance and you are so don’t with hearing about it from literally everyone you know.
The I-Only-Ship-This-Because-It’s-Canon You don’t really like this ship on it’s own, and you probably wouldn’t ship it, except it’s canon, and they get along really good together in canon, if they actually wouldn’t anywhere else. You put it on your ship list because it’s Canon.
The Canon-But-Still-NOTP You are in hell and probably hate yourself and the entire fandom. You get your own slot because I pity you.
The I-Am-The-Only-Person-To-Ship-This You’re the only person to ship this. What else is there to say? Everything is barren and you and the “Canon Notps” sit and grumble together.
The Rare-Pair All in all, this might not actually be capable of being called a rare pair, but not a lot of people ship it and you praise god when you find yourself in the company of someone else who ships it. You can count yourself luckier then the “I-Am-The-Only-Person-To-Ship-This” because. Well. You are. At least you’ve got one or two, they don’t even have that.
The I-Can-Respect-This You don’t ship it yourself, but you respect it, and even find it cute sometimes. You could find this slipping into otp category if you liked the personal characters more.
The I-Find-This-Morally-Wrong Whatever you might find morally wrong, this ship has it! Especially if it’s canon. People who still ship it really tick you off, and it’s probably on your blacklist. Or, you might be very outspoken and make this a public campaign! Weather or not people acknowledge that the ship is bad, they still shouldn’t ship it. Look, I can respect this, but please tag your ship hate. It’s getting really annoying.
The I-Love-Them-As-Enemies. Look, let’s face it. These two will never work out as a couple. But you love the dynamics and whenever they fight or you read something where they’re enemies, something inside you gets fluttery.
The I-Love-To-Hate-This You hate this ship, but you love to hate it. It’s..not really something you can explain. You love to make ship hate posts and debate about it all day. You probably have other ships for the characters involved.
Maybe something about them you find gross, or morally wrong, or they’re canonly awful, but, you still ship them. You ship them as you cry and apologize to everyone. You mutter about how you shouldn’t hate them and occasionally make posts that you find yourself needing to tag ship hate. You’re the first in line to tell everyone how awful it is, and you’re probably hypocritical.
The How-Did-This-Get-Here No. Seriously. You probably don’t even like the characters. But. Still. The ship is there, on your shipping page. You don’t even remember putting it there.
The You’re-So-Pretty-Together Aesthetically pleasing, you love to see them kiss, but you probably don’t read fanfiction about them because you realize that they’re not actually going to work out. They really do look good together, though.
The That-Character-Isn’t-Attracted-To-Them You guess it might work, but canon/headcanon decrees that it won’t, because person A (at least) Isn’t attracted to person B. This won’t end up on your shipping page.
The Why You do not understand this ship. It confuses and concerns you. Why do people ship it? Why do so many people ship it? You’re scared and losing faith in your fandom.
The Why-Do-We-All-Ship-This You have yet to meet someone in the fandom who does not ship it. You’re not sure why everyone ships it. You find yourself shipping it. Is this even canon? Does anyone care? It’s creeping up on the Rare Pair lover. It’s going to get us all, someday. You’ve already succumbed.
The One-Ship-Everyone-Agrees-On All right, this isn’t a given for every fandom, and it might not even be for two persons. It might be two items, or a person and a food. But there it’s ‘canon’ and everyone agrees on it.
The My-Friend-Made-Me-Ship-It Honestly, you still aren’t even sure if you really ship it. But, it’s constantly on your dash because of one or more of your friends, and their constant love of and talk of the ship has slowly but surely won your (Possibly begrudging or resentful) acceptance.
The I’ll-Ship-This-Until-The-Day-I-Die Look. You might not care about the characters. You might not even care for the ship. Or you might adore both the characters and the ship, or one or the other. But nothing, canon or otherwise, will make you not ship this. You get personally offeneded when people don’t ship this. Even when you leave the fandom, you’re still going to ship it. You won’t ever escape.
The I’ll-Never-Ship-This-Even-If-That-Means-Death You might love both the characters, or neither, or just one, but one thing is clear. This ship will never work. You might not care enough to even put this on your notp list. But you won’t ever ship it. Nothing can make you ship it. You might not even care if others ship it, or you might cringe every time you hear about someone else shipping it. But no matter what, you won’t ever ship this in any way, shape, or form.
note: for my anon who requested this, I hope it’s everything you wanted. ps fix you by coldplay came on when I was writing this as if I wasn’t already emotional enough.
Everything was white: the walls, the sheets, the chairs, the doctors. Coming in-and-out of the door as Shawn sat in the chair by her bedside. His hand clutching hers desperately, trying to hold onto anything he could.
They had been in the hospital for at least two hours. He wished that he could go back in time and fix what had gotten them here. She kept kissing his knuckles and trying to crack jokes, but he didn’t have it in him to laugh.
She kept telling him that everything was okay, that this kind of stuff happened sometimes, that everything would be okay. But, as time went on and the hands on the clock danced around she became less convincing and eventually stopped talking at all.
The doctor assigned to their room made his way into the room, he sat down, and Shawn knew before the words came out.
“I’m so sorry,” He said, his eyes moving back and forth between them, “You’ve had a miscarriage. This isn’t your fault and there is nothing you could have done. I know this is hard, but please try not to blame yourself.”
Her hand went limp in his. He still held onto hers tightly, feeling the tears fall. The doctor said something about giving them time to process and that he would be back in a little while. Shawn cleared his throat and thanked him before turning his head to his beautiful wife.
Silent tears fell down her flushed cheeks. She didn’t look at him for a little while, not until he called out her name. She tried to say something, but a strangled noise came out instead. Shawn jumped up from his chair and fell onto her hospital bed, their bodies coming together both wracking with sobs.
The doctor came back in after a little while and they pulled themselves together as best they could. He told them things that they would forget and gave them his card so they could call when they did.
They walked through the hospital corridors like ghosts, floating aimlessly. Their hands linked loosely as they pushed through the double doors.
They found the car quickly and Shawn unlocked the doors with shaking hands. The car ride home was long and painfully silent. Neither having anything to say to the other.
He called his dad first. She was in the shower and he pulled himself onto their balcony. His hands shaking as he found the contact in his phone. He didn’t want to say it. Saying it only made it more real. But, he pressed his dad’s name and he heard the ringing.
His stomach churned as the ringing when on. He didn’t know if he wanted his dad to pick up the phone or to hear his voicemail. He didn’t know anything anymore. After six rings he heard, “Hey son!”
He could picture the smile on his dad’s face and hear it in his voice. His voice cracked as the words fell out of his mouth, “The baby- it’s gone.” He didn’t think he had any more tears to shed but they continued to fall.
His father’s shock was understandable. He could hear his dad’s voice shaking and was reminded, rather painfully, that while he lost a child, his parents lost a grandchild, his sister a niece or nephew. He could hear his mum and Aaliyah pestering worriedly in the background.
“Can you tell them?” Shawn asked, “I can’t say it again.” He knew that if said that sentence again he would throw up. He could hear the muffled words over the phone and then shuffling. He tried to get the images of his crying family out of his head as he heard chaos on the line.
After a few moments he was greeted by his mum’s soft voice, “Hi honey,” her voice was calm but he could hear her trying to control the shaking, “Do you want us to come?” He loved his mum for that. Always practical and thoughtful and kind. He told them he would let them know later and call them back. His fingers rubbing furiously at his temple.
He said goodbye and that he would call them later. He pulled the door of the balcony opened and walked back into their living room. He couldn’t hear the shower anymore and moved quickly through their apartment. Listening in at every door he passed, he stopped in front of their bedroom.
He knocked softly before pushing the door open. She was sitting in the big chair in the corner of their room that she had hassled him about getting for weeks. She looks so small in it. Her hair wet from the shower, water dripping on the sweatshirt of his that had long been hers. Her legs shaking in a pair of his sweatpants.
He moved towards her and listened to the end of her conversation with her parents. She sounded cold and distant as he climbed up next to her rubbing his nose against the side of her face, closing his eyes and breathing in her apple shampoo. She hung up the phone and turned her head toward him. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his.
“How can you be like this?” He said angrily, “We just lost our baby and you just want to ignore it.”
It had been a few days and she hadn’t cried since the hospital. His parents had gotten to their apartment the day after it happened and they sat on the couch, watching their son and his wife clash.
“Shawn, ple-“ His dad tried to interject softly.
“No, Dad, she doesn’t even care ab-,” Shawn yelled, red creeping up his neck, his cheeks heating.
She looked like she was slapped in the face by this last comment. His mum who was normally the more levelheaded of his two parents cut across him quickly, “Enough. Shawn look at yourself, listen to what you’re saying. You both care, but people have different ways of expressing grief. You’ve both been through something traumatic and you need to listen to each other. You love each other, don’t forget that.”
Her voice shook at the end of her sentence and Shawn was pulled out of his daze. He replayed what he had said and felt his heart collapsing. He loved her. He did. But, he was so angry and she was so detached. He looked at her and he saw tears in her eyes.
He reached his hand out to her knee and she stood up quickly. The back of her hand brushing away the single tear that escaped the wall that she built around herself. “I’m gonna go lie down,” She said in a rushed and strangled voice. Shawn nodded and watched her turn the corner towards their room.
His mum got up to follow her down the hall. He looked toward his dad, but couldn’t meet his eye. His eyes fell to his knees, his hands shaking in his lap. He felt the couch shift as his dad sat next to him, pulling his son into a tight embrace. Shawn sobbed into his dad’s shoulder.
She didn’t come out of their room for the rest of the night. His mum returned after a little while and joined her son and husband on the couch. They sat on either side of Shawn and wrapped their arms around him.
“I didn’t mean what I said,” Shawn said his words repeating themselves in his mind, each time becoming harsher.
“We know honey,” His mum said rubbing her hand on his shoulder, “She does too. She knows.”
His mum made dinner and Shawn pushed the food around on his plate before saying goodnight. He caught his parent’s eyes meet sadly before he left the room. He moved slowly towards the shut door of their bedroom.
He pushed the door open and saw a shape of her in bed, her body still under the covers. He pulled his jeans off before climbing into bed beside her. He moved slowly and gently, so as not to wake her, and pulled the covers over his head.
He moved his hand toward her but stopped short. He pulled his hand back and fell deeper into their mattress. He laid awake for a while before his eyes fluttered shut.
He was awoken by a loud crash and he jolted up. He looked to her and reached out to her spot in their bed to find it cold. He jumped up quickly and maneuvered blindly through the dark. He passed the living room and then he saw her.
A shattered mug on the ground in front of her, her hands desperately rubbing a towel into the tile of their kitchen floor. He moved quickly through the arch into their kitchen and crouched down in front of her.
“Stay back,” She said her voice choking on tears, “There’s g-glass ev-verywhere and I don’t w-want you to g-get cut.”
He put his hands over her shaking hands soaked with tea. He pulled the towel from her hand and used it to scoop up the glass. He grabbed another towel from the oven as he fell to his knees soaking up the hot liquid.
“I’m sorry,” She whispered to him, so softly that he was surprised he heard it at all.
“It’s okay baby,” he said calmly, “it was an accident. You know me, I’m the clumsiest person in the house. Remember when I dropped-“
“Not about the tea,” She said her eyes, truly, meeting his for the first time in days. He saw her for the first time clearly.
“I’ve been trying to be strong for you and- and-,” Her voice breaking, “Because t-this is all my f-fault. I’m s-sorry I lost t-the b-baby, I’ll never forgive m-myself. You s-should leave me, I des-serve it.” Her voice rambling quickly. Her words tripping over themselves, slipping in the tears that they moved through.
“Shhh, shhh,” He whispered. He pulled her into his arms, he leaned his back against the counter as he held her there, “This isn’t your fault. Don’t say that. I love you and I’m not mad and I would never leave you.”
“No, I was wrong to say all of that shit earlier and none of it’s true,” He whispered into her ear, “I love you and I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t be honest with me. We can cry and still be strong. We’ll be strong for each other.”
She nodded her head against his neck, her sobs subsiding. “We’re gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay,” He reminded her. They sat on the kitchen floor for awhile, neither one saying anything. Just breathing and listening to one another’s heartbeats. They would be okay.
Okay so apparently Austin Jones is asking underage girls to twerk for him and even made a video to teach a girl how to twerk. And he called her “cutie” I am so disgusted by this. On Twitter a girl who was fan was asked numerous times.(pictures above) Since he is going to warped he will surrounded by underage girls. I am so scared he will take this to a new level of creepiness. As in sexual assault. I want to warn you all. Please be careful around him. AND SPREAD THIS SHIT LIKE WILDFIRE SO HE CAN’T GO TO WARPED!!!!! Thank you very much.
‘Skull!’ I ran over to the jar, pulled it upright. The top of the lid showed scuffs and other signs of damage. 'What have they done to you?’ I cleared my throat and scowled. 'Not that I care, obviously.’