How to Play the Clarinet

Step one: Ensure that the instrument you are holding is a clarinet.

 Note that flutes and oboes have been known to pose as clarinets to confuse predators.

Step two: A good embouchure is everything.

Most clarinets will refuse to produce a quality tone unless you look like you are giving birth from your belly button.

Step three: If you cannot produce a note with good tone quality, blame your reed and repeat steps one and two with war paint.

Step four: You will not sound amazing your first few times playing. You will squeak and make all kinds horrible noises until you know exactly what you’re doing. Until then, take out your frustrations by hunting down that kid that called you Squidward.

(And yes, at one point or another, somebody will make a Squidward joke. It’s a curse that comes with playing the clarinet.)