Some Things Kent Parson Has Said to the Rookies While Drunk:
1. “My cat is more beautiful than all of you ugly fuckers combined and if you don’t think so then everyone can suck it and get out of my house,” then proceeded to cry into a random rookie’s arms for no particular reason.
2. “I just want to eat cereal out of the Cup again. I ask for so little–” (”Parser, you said if your future spouse doesn’t buy you a ring with a diamond that’s bigger than your face, you’ll blow your brains out.”) “……Get out of my house.”
3. “See that guy over there? I’m going to climb him like a tree. Hold my drink.” (“No, Parser–”) “If I don’t come out of the bathroom in ten minutes, assume that I’ve died by dick–” (“Jesus, I’m taking you home.”)
4. “Fuck, I have to dance. It’s Britney. This is my moment.” (”Kent, please don’t–” Kent slaps the rookie’s hands away.) “My loneliness is killing me–don’t fucking touch me, James–”
(Post-bar hopping. A rookie is petting Kent’s hair, hoping that he’ll go to sleep soon, but Kent shoots right up for a brief moment.)
“You guys are the best teammates a guy can ask for. Thanks for taking me home. Please don’t leave me alone. I love everyone. Except you, James. But only because you used all my Nutella and put the jar back. You think I wouldn’t notice? What the fuck, man.”
BONUS +1, at the Parson-Mashkov wedding: “You know, the diamond he got wasn’t the size of my face. But that’s okay, because he’s got a huge–” ( “Okay, Parser, we know, your husband has a huge fucking dick. Congrats.”) “What? No. I was going to say, ‘huge heart.’ You fucking sickos. Stop thinking about my husband’s penis.” (”We weren’t.”) “It is pretty fucking big though.” (”God, Parser, why would you–” All rookies and Kent chug their drinks.)
You are, all of you, this whole crew, as of right now finished! You will not sell anything. You will not buy anything. You will not eat anything. Unless you decide right now to elect yourselves a new captain. Unless you decide to join the crew of Captain Flint. You will join his crew and you will grant him disposal of your ship. So what will it be? Beggars under an old captain? Or rich men under a new one?