I've got a question for anyone whose interested in deep thoughts at the moment... Do you think you can fall in love with more than one person in your life?

I think you can… But hear me out. 

I think it’s possible to give your heart to someone and to fall in love and such… I mean there are the first loves, and if that doesn’t work out, then you find someone else and marry them and stuff. 

But like… I’ve always had this thought… Maybe I’m wrong and stupid… But once you give your heart to someone… And you find the kind of love that just completely consumes you in a way you didn’t think possible… How can you find something else to fill that hole once you’ve lost it?

I think that’s why I’ve always been a bit skeptical when people say they’ve been in love more than once. I understand in certain situations, sometimes that’s just life and something terrible happens and you lose someone, but you’re lucky to get a second chance. 

But I don’t think I want that. I don’t think I want the chance to fall in love with someone else once I’ve got a love that consumes me. I mean… Don’t you owe it to yourself to find one person to give your heart to, a love so passionate that you know you’ll never, ever find something else like it, so you know it’ll be hopeless trying. The love of your life. I mean, that’s what the term means, right? The person you’re going to love your entire goddamn life. 

That’s what I want. I don’t want the chance to have to get a second chance, you know?

And that has me really, really scared for me. Because anytime I feel anything, whether it’s in friendships or relationships, I completely whole heartily immerse myself in that relationship.

I will be the first to tell you that I’ve got issues. I'm afraid of commitment. I have the tendency to bottle my emotions. I can get super jealous in a second, but I won’t breath a word about it. When I get hurt, or even when I have feelings for someone, I push them away so damn fast it’s ridiculous.

It’s why I never even bother with relationships (or maybe rather, why relationships don’t bother with me).

I guess I'm completely afraid of a relationship because… what if I fall in love with this guy? And we break up, and I don’t love him anymore? Then… I mean… What if I really wanted him to be the love of my life? And he’s not… And I wasted my love and heart for someone who didn’t stick around. 

Maybe the break up wasn’t their fault. Maybe our relationship was passionate. But it ended. And then I’ll end up questioning myself if I even really loved him if it ended like that. 

I know it’s ridiculous thinking. 

But when I fall in love… I want it to be forever. I don’t want to have to let go of someone. I don’t want to fall in love twice. Or three times. Or four times. Or how ever many times it might take to find the love of your life. 

That’s what I think about soul mates too, you know. A lot of people have different views on soul mates. Someone said soul mates are written in the stars (cheesy). Another said that he thought a soul mate was someone who you make a deep connection with, someone you learn from, but they aren’t there to stay in your life. It’s more of a… meaningful life changing passing. I think a soul mate is someone you make this connection with, this incredible connection and you know you’ll never connect like that with anybody else. Simple as that. 

It’s terribly scary when I think about it. Like… It honest to God frightens me. Don’t think that I’m going to become a prude and never be in relationships or never have any fun (though I haven’t even had a real kiss…)

I want a love knowing there won’t be anyone, ever, that could compare. It doesn’t matter if I go through a bijilion guys before knowing that there was only one for me, the one that I was pushing away from the very beginning. It won’t matter if I’m in denial for years until I finally accept this kind of love that I actually, really, truly want. I mean… With this kind of love you gotta be sure, right?

I want something like.. Max and Liz. Maria and Michael. Lucas and Peyton. Ron and Hermione. Harry and Ginny. Cappie and Casey.

What I love about these couples is they never had it in them to give their heart and complete souls to other people. Lucas and Peyton may have loved other people, but they loved each other more. Nobody, not any other love, could complete them like each other. And do I even need to say anything about the others?

I’m not really talking about people who have lost a loved one and maybe eventually moved on… I sincerely hope that will never happen to me.. That, I think… I can understand a little bit better (my OTP example for this would be Keith/Karen/Andy OTH fans).

I just want…

I want to find my love of my life, and never fall in love ever again.

I expect it would be scary. I expect I would be hesitant. I expect I would be in denial. I expect it would be frustrating, complicated, tearing my hair out worthy. But passionate and consuming and thrilling and just.. Pure happiness all the same.

I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

Am I crazy and totally unrealistic to want it this way?