cape of accomplishment

text meme; tfln

[text]: The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
[text]: You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
[text]: Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
[text]: I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
[text]: Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I’m drunk
[text]: Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY’S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
[text]: It was the cape. I can’t control myself when I wear a cape.
[text]: She’ll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
[text]: Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
[text]: May the power of my ass compel you!!
[text]: So… remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
[text]: I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
[text]: It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
[text]: Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It’s going to be great.
[text]: I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
[text]: Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else’s car
[text]: I’m prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There’s a contradiction there.
[text]: Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
[text]: You’re such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I’m sad. I will always appreciate that.
[text]: we’re like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
[text]: He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
[text]: It’s been awhile, you pregnant yet?
[text]: It’s so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
[text]: It’s like fucking tetris in this bed
[text]: I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
[text]: Just don’t let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
[text]: strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
[text]: “Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy” is a headline I never want to be about me.
[text]: I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only.