[text]: The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball. [text]: You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now. [text]: Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records [text]: I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was. [text]: Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I’m drunk [text]: Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY’S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!? [text]: It was the cape. I can’t control myself when I wear a cape. [text]: She’ll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me. [text]: Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing. [text]: May the power of my ass compel you!! [text]: So… remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine. [text]: I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt. [text]: It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world [text]: Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It’s going to be great. [text]: I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life. [text]: Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else’s car [text]: I’m prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There’s a contradiction there. [text]: Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career. [text]: You’re such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I’m sad. I will always appreciate that. [text]: we’re like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking [text]: He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx [text]: It’s been awhile, you pregnant yet? [text]: It’s so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart. [text]: It’s like fucking tetris in this bed [text]: I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice. [text]: Just don’t let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall. [text]: strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are [text]: “Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy” is a headline I never want to be about me. [text]: I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only.