I’m not perfect, and I do a good job of reminding myself (although some people seem to think I need their reminders). I can be stubborn, I can be inefficient and unproductive. I speak well but Im almost always misunderstood. I can be insecure and be called arrogant. I can be worried and be considered confident. I can be lonely and be called a playboy. And these constant misunderstandings, misinterpretations, miscommunications, make me reflect on what is actually going on in my life.
I went through hell and back growing up. I was never good at following instructions and I rebelled a lot. I had this attitude that if my father wasn’t around to tell me right from wrong, then I was the only person who could figure it out. i let myself commit a million mistakes. Shunned any sort of routine and discipline. I was reckless, getting wasted, running away, traveling with strangers, sleeping on a sidewalk, waking up in random places… I thought that was the meaning of being young and living. I….I was wrong. Which is why I can’t stand 90% of the naive, irresponsible, wannabe freespirited bullshit that people post on this website, no matter how nice it looks in Helvetica.
For the past years I’ve thought to myself “fuck Harvard and Georgetown, I would have been miserable there”, “fuck that job, I’m better than that”, “Regrets? pssh, I don’t regret anything”.
Believe me…. my list of regrets could’ve sank the titanic.
At a certain moment in your life, you realize that yes, your mistakes did make you who you are, but they also stopped you from becoming who you could have been. That moment usually follows a “POP” sound as your head is finally pulled out of your ass.
The drinking was fun, the crazy high nights were adventurous, the danger was thrilling, but none of it, not one bit, was fulfilling.
But taking a tango class was. So was getting strangers to be part of a nerf gun stunt on a first date. Smoking weed at the seaport as boats went by was. And so was painting on her back after sex.
I used to think that living was experiencing as many amazing new things with as many new people as possible. Only recently have I started to think that perhaps its finding one person with whom you readily want to explore the world with. I worry that she’ll get nervous, that she’ll think Im too much, that hell, maybe she’ll think im perfect and walk away. Sometimes I find myself ruining perfect moments, on purpose because lets face it, no girl wants perfect. When I was a heartless, troubled 17 year old, every girl was after me. But those are girls, the difference is what makes a woman at any age. I just don’t know how to get her to understand that what I do for her is nothing but a reflection of her worth, which I recognize. That any guy who would treat her as less doesn’t respect her as much as i do. I think she thinks that all i like about her is her smile, but she doesn’t understand what it means to me. Knowing that I can cause something so incredibly beautiful has changed me. I say so much about my past to her, i ramble on and on sometimes, and for the most part I feel like Im just trying to get it all out and away from me. I dont think she understands that she undoes all of it. That all of those experiences made me a boy, but the experience of knowing her is making me a man. that whereas i once thought having drunk sex in my dorm was awesome, Im looking for a place of my own where i’ll spend hours cleaning every spot before she steps foot into it. whereas I got away with just being slim, Im buying protein drinks and doing pushups before bed. Instead of getting grinded on against the wall and calling it dancing, im willing to take professional dance classes. and whereas once I got away with a few bucks at mcdonalds, I want to cook for her and take her to nice restaurants where she can wear her new shoes.
So, what is it about her? Perhaps not much since Im still getting to know her. She says “another girl with a julia roberts smile can come and steal your heart” and its true, thats possible. But if i have her, it wont happen. its the experiences that we share that speak to me when she smiles. Im trying to begin a new stage in my life and I have someone to try an entire world of new things with. She might feel like shes supposed to be in a different phase, the getting shitfaced with her girls and random college guys phase. If she does, she’s wrong. these years, late teens and twenties, are when we shape ourselves. And the people who we surround ourselves with, the things we experience, will either help us learn who we want to be or who we dont want to be. As for who we are, we dont learn that till were old and wrinkled. “you’re only young once” is a total lie. My retired parents party harder than I think I ever have and better- because they have nothing else to worry about other than whether the pool is warm yet and when the liquor store closes. they go on vacation to new places that i cant afford to explore now. The ones who are only young once are the ones dumb enough, like i was, to think that college madness is as good as it gets, that love is only as deep as those tear filled nights missing someone who doesn’t truly appreciate you, and who are too busy trying to be their most that they never discover their best.
I am not attached to her. She can walk away. Our experiences, i think, are more mutual than she might think. I mean, everything I do for her means as much to me as it might mean to her, because no matter what ive done in my past, all of this is new to me. And I dont plan to give up my ways, I’ll still be getting wasted with my friends in cancun. I dont know where Im going exactly. I have so much to experience and so much to learn. But right now, I have someone that makes me romantic and sweet, like the man I was afraid I’d never get to be. And as long as she wants adventure, as long as she’s fearless about what the world has to offer, as long as she respects me, wants me and doesn’t settle for less, then what else matters? No matter how many times we step on each other’s feet, she’s the one I want to dance with.