cant get out if bed

hi, my name is jess and i have a mental illness. this is how i feel i have to introduce myself to people at this point in my life. I’m 20 years old, living with massive depressive disorder, PTSD, and an anxiety disorder. i go to therapy, i take medication but i can get sad, really really sad sometimes, and i can get angry, really really angry sometimes. and sometimes I’m not even me. sometimes i cant get out of bed in the morning, i cant brush my teeth, my hair, go to class, or practice. one minute I’m laughing and the next I’m crying. but i am fighting. sometimes i am happy, unconditionally so, stable, loving, and healthy. ill go to class, ill score the game winning goal, and ill end up with a 4.0 GPA for the semester, sometimes you cant even tell I'm living with this dark cloud inside of me. i cannot guarantee you that i will always wake up with a smile on my face, but i promise you this, i love unconditionally, hard, and whole heartedly. i give my all in everything that i do. i work hard. i have more determination inside of me than most people ive met. ive been to hell and back in my almost 21 years, but ive made it back every time. no matter how sad i get, no matter how shitty i get, i will come back from it, i always do and i always will. so try not to give up on me, because one day ill be back, ill be me again.
—  living with a mental illness in your 20′s
this is just a remindre

if you fucked up today, thats okyy, youre still smart, and good, and people still love you

if youre in a dark place today, thats okyy.
even if you feel like you cant get out of bed, and all you can do is breathe, thats okyy. you breathe, take the time you need, and we’ll be here when youre ready

evrey'day is a battle. on some, you demolish on whatevre’s ahead of you. on othre’s, you just have to hang on for dear life. eithre way, youre a fightre, strong person, dont forget it.

okay so. as someone who runs one of the very, very few ocpd-centric blogs on tumblr (not this one, i mean @thatocpdfeel ), its actually so upsetting how little people know abt ocpd, even here on tumblr amongst other mental health bloggers. not to say anything bad abt those bloggers!!! its just not spoken abt much. maybe thats because its not as common as, like, bpd or avpd, but its also because SO many ocpd symptoms are ENCOURAGED by society. i get so many tags on my posts saying “thats an ocpd thing???” or “thats not normal???” or “im not supposed to do that???” like so much of what is killing us from the inside are things parents, teachers, and guardians all think are positive attributes to have, but we internalize those things in such a twisted and intense way that we suffer and yet are idealized for our suffering.
ive had so many people with other illnesses, like depression, tell me how ocpd has its upsides because i can be productive and get stuff done when they cant even get out of bed. thats not how it works.
ocpd is not being perfect.
ocpd is NEEDING to be perfect because even the tiniest mistake means you are the scum of the earth and deserve to die.
ocpd is not double checking your work to make sure you got everyting right because you want a good score.
ocpd is perfecting the wording of a single sentence because if it doesnt imply the exact thought you are trying to get across then it means you have failed and even if it is still technically right and no points are taken off, inside you know that it was wrong and it COULD have been better and your personal standards are ten times higher than the official standards because you know that the goals you need to reach to be successful are leaps and bounds above what the average person needs, not because you are better than them but because you must strive to become better than them at all cost because second best is still a loser.
ocpd is not orangizing your work station before starting a new project.
ocpd is crying and screaming while you trash 42 different versions of the same attempted project and shoving everything off your desk and wanting to pull out your hair or bang your head on a wall because you messed it up so many times already and if you dont get it right this time you will never get it and you will be marked as a failure for the rest of your life, unable to accomplish literally anything and youre so terrified of that thought you take six hours to scrub at your desk and mop the floor and take a razor to that bit of wax thats been stuck on the leg of your chair for a week and half and meticulously organize everything into boxes, counting every ration you put in to make sure they all even out, and listing everything thats there and labeling the boxes then straight up leaving the work area and not thinking about the project for another month.
ocpd is not having a folder of all your important documents because you know you will need them some time.
ocpd is having six folders, each containing vastly different documents, some of which are important, some of which are just old receipts to mcdonalds, some are keepsakes from friends, some of which are just a scap of paper with scribbles that you dont remember what they mean but maybe one day you will, and the rest are just any paper youve ever come across in your life. theyre all just as important as everything else though because the thought of prioritising them is nearly incomprehensible because they are all important and you need them all for equally important things so when you need, like, that paper for your auto insurance you first must sift through six hundred pages of notes your friends passed back and forth in middle school over five years ago and you dont even talk to them anymore but you absolutely cannot get rid of them. its all so important.
ocpd is not being productive.
ocpd is waking up and remembering that you are an inherently flawed and imperfect being, but also that your worth in this world is defined by what you put into it, so even if you cant be perfect, if you make enough perfect stuff or do enough stuff perfectly, it will all give the illusion to others as well as yourself that you are perfect. so you push yourself to do whatever it is you do. regardless of your other illnesses, you work and and try to be as productive as you possibly can because thats your only chance. you go into work sick. you push yourself past your limits, past what you know you are physically/mentally able to do, and you suffer for breaching those limits but all that pain is WORTH it because you are temporarily overcome with a sense of accomplishement and SOMEONE is finally proud of you. you did something right FOR ONCE. so even if you go completely nonverbal, or lay in bed for the next week in pain, or end up in the ER, or seventeen other things didnt get done, there was the most brief sense of absolute euphoria even if its almost immidiately replaced by a sense of overwhelming anxiety about what you messed up, forgot, did wrong, or ignored to achieve that feeling and the cycle of fixing, fixing, fixing repeats itself. ocpd is not being bossy, egotistical, or controlling. ocpd is a deeply psychological understanding that even the most insignificant mistake will reflect back on you in the most exaggerated and horrendous way possible. its knowing that if you ask your friend to go get you a red pen, but they bring you a blue one, and you dont know they got blue instead, so if you write even the smallest mark in that blue ink, even if its technically okay to write in red or blue, you specified red, so the fact that its blue makes it wrong and unnacceptable so in your mind its better to drop what your doing and get the correct red pen yourself even if its right beside your friend and you are already focusing on something else. the concept of asking others to do something, not even something in a manner of helping you but just to divide up jobs evenly, its absolutely impossible. because if they do something wrong, it will reflect on you, then you did something wrong and we both know that doing something wrong is completely out of the question. you would rather multitask four things at once, but the sight of someone else just twiddling their thumbs while you bust your ass is so infuriating! why cant they do what you are doing? why cant they just read your mind and know exactly what you need, when you need it, and be helpful? thats what you would do if they were in your situation! if they were working like you, you would hand them everything. you would also probably go ahead and just put that back for them. well, you could also handle that too. and before you know it, their job is your job and there they are twiddling their thumbs and looking at you for a job to do. its the phrase “if you want something done right, do it yourself” taken to a whole other level. ocpd is so much more than what people think. were more than just a “type a personality” or “perfectionists” and its not just “mild ocd” either. ocpd is painful. please remember that.

Personal Update Ahoy!

Hello all, it’s your friendly neighborhood Bully, here to just info-dump about my life and progress right now! 

:( The bad news: My depression took a sharp downturn (cant get out of bed, cant eat, etc), Finals are steadily approaching, my contract with Universal costuming expired so I’m technically unemployed, my renter’s lease ends in two months so I need to find new lodgings, and I’m still fighting writers block.

(Whew, isnt that fun to type out all in one place!)

:) The good news: My doctor put me on anti-depressants and referred me to a therapist which I will be seeing once a week, my heart condition is stable, and my cats are healthy.

I know I haven’t been posting as much as usual- I really wanted to participate more in Femslash Feburuary and MLM March- but the “pls update!” messages combined with all the ~fandom nonsense~ that has been rearing it’s ugly head these past few weeks have made it hard to stay active in the ML fandom. Dont get me wrong, I still want to contribute, but I’ve decided a bit of distance is necessary for my mental health. Hopefully I will become more active when season two rolls around!

That being said, I’m still going to be updating @miracusims regularly, since it is my happy, drama-free fandom space. This blog will still have the occasional shitpost or au idea thrown about. As for fics… my update schedule really depends on when I get the motivation/time to write, or when my depression clears up enough for me to do so. Right now I have the most progress done on the next tlatb chapter, but DD isn’t far behind. Sugar is… on hiatus until I re-evaluate where I want the story to go, and roommate au is more of a “write when I feel like it” story. 

Thanks for sticking by me ya’ll, it means the world <3

I know that it may not be important but i thought i would share. While I’m in the hospital my mom is usually gone because shes stressed and doesn’t want me to see so basically I’m alone. I cant get out of bed without a nurse to help me because I’m a fall risk…but i don’t feel alone here. I have so many good people keeping me company over the *scandalous* internet, ( @// im-angel-of-the-lord @ //elizadora @// thedarklord-rory @// lili-isyourqueen @// theskeletonmeme-lord and others on different apps )

While im waiting to have seizures and or just… figure out what is wrong im talking to them and watching my favorite youtubers. markiplier and jack mostly . It makes me feel like im home.. and i just wanted everyone to know how much they mean to me, near or far ill always be thankful of your existance.

the-4th-most-furry  asked:

Can we have some angsty Toby headcannons mom?? I live and breathe that shit.

Trigger warning yall


Toby can get really depressed. Very depressed. Somedays he cant get out of bed and he just doesnt care anymore.

He already tried slitting his wrists once, EJ found him and everyone was freaked out and paranoid that he could try and do it again. They try to be around him as much as possible and make him happy and make sure he’s taking his pills.

Toby is really good at climbing trees but one time he fell almost 30 feet head first. Masky found him passed out on the ground and thats the story of why he has a scar in his head.

It’s fucked up how suicidal my period makes me, like it’s cruel. Here I was feeling sooo good, so happy and then all of a sudden I’m drowning in anxiety and depression and I cant get out of bed, I can’t cope and I’m asking myself what the fuck is wrong with me?

IM GETTING MY FUCKING PERIOD, THATS WHAT.

Nothing is actually fucking wrong, you’re completely fine, the depths of hell are just coming alive in my uterus right now.

Fuck off.

I Need You

i wanted to be the one that was there for you forever. i wanted to be yours until the day i died. i wanted to have you for the rest of my life. i would still do anything for you, through all of the pain and all of the bullshit, i would still go to the ends of the earth for you, and thats so fucking scary to me. even after youve hurt me, ripped out my heart, stomped on it, and told everybody i was the worst person youve ever met, i would still go out of my way just to see you smile at me. just to look down at those beautiful brown eyes and see your smile. see my world. i had plans for you, i had plans for us. i knew what i wanted to do with my life. i knew what i wanted to do after high school, where i wanted to go to college, who i wanted to do it all with, and where i wanted to move and who i wanted to do it all with. i wanted to move on that fucking island with you. jesus i was so fucking in love with you that i have no motivation to even wake up and go to school because i know ill see your face and ill feel my stomach drop and have the need to just fall to my knees and weep. id still do anything for you. im sitting in my house, in my room, doing nothing all fucking day. i dont even want to move, i dont want to get out. i just want to die. i feel like without you, i no longer have any purpose in this world. and that hurts so fucking bad. id do anything for you baby..id do anything. id take my own life just to see you smile one last time, and thats the scariest thing to me. im so in love with you, even after you hate me, that i would do anything, and jesus i mean anything just to make you happy. i cant stop crying. i cant even get out of my fucking bed. i feel dead. i feel so fucking lost without you. ive never been so sad in my entire life. its as if my will to do anything left when you did, and with that, goes my universe. im crushed, im so fucking crushed. its as if ive hit an all time low, rock bottom, and ill always carry these weights with me my entire life. these chains that im tied to you. and as i sit at home, in my room sobbing over you, i know youre out there happy. youre getting out, youre talking to other people, you actually have the will, have hope to do anything. ive lost all fucking energy to do anything. i just sit in my room sobbing over you. ive been crying day in and day out for three weeks. sitting in my bed sobbing. its gotten so bad that  my fathers even come back into my life because hes worried. and when a man who hasnt been in your life for 17 years comes into your life because hes worried about you, you know youre fucked. im fucked. im so in love with you that without you i have no more faith. in myself, or in anybody. ill never get over you. and tomorrow night, ill be laying in my bed sobbing even more, because ill know youre out at prom, having fun, while all i can do is cry over you. i have no more hope. ive lost everything. ive lost everything.. ive put everything into you, and now that youre gone, im gone. i cant do this anymore. its too much to see you everyday and want to just sob over you. i hate myself for this. all i need is to talk to you. jesus i feel so dead without you. id do anything for you, and that has me scared shitless that im so in love that id do anything even after all thats happened between us. ill love you forever, and the worst part about it, is ill be telling my kids about you. ill tell my kids that i had this girlfriend in high school, and that i still love her more than i love their own mother. i know for a fact ill never love again, itll all just be lust. my heart belongs to you, and youll have it forever. nobody else will ever have it. nobody else.. ill never stop loving you. jesus i want to drop out of high school entirely because the thought of it makes me think of you. im willing to ruin my entire life over you, and maybe thats what i need to do. ill spend an eternity in hell for what ive done to you, and that eternity will be my soul and heart being torn as i watch the one thing ive ever cared about be happy without me. i feel so gone. so dead.. so useless. my parents were right. im just useless. im a piece of shit. im an asshole. but she is..she is still everything i wrote a year ago. but what i am, i am a man, im not a man. i am a boy who is dead inside, and will always love you. id die for you..id do anything for you. say the words and i would do it. anything baby..id do anything for you. and i hate myself for that. i hate myself for loving you. i hate myself for losing you. i fucking hate myself. i want you, and i would do anything. i cant express that enough..anything.. ill never forget you, and i know that because this pain in my heart will never leave. my soul has been crushed. my world has been crushed. im so fucked..i have so much hate for myself that the love i had for you equaled it out. but now that i cant love you, the only thing in my heart is hatred for myself, and the memory of the love i used to be able to express for you. i miss you.. i fucking miss you and the only thing in this world that could make me feel whole again would be to see your smile..your lips on mine..the sound of your voice..god i hate myself for letting you go. you left. call it what you want, bottom line youre gone and i have no will to do anything anymore because of it. i cant remember the last time i laughed, the last time i smiled. but i can remember the sound of your voice, those eyes, your hand in mind. i remember. and ill never forget. i never want to forget, because the love i have for you is the only thing that makes me feel like a human being and not a fucking monster. i love you. i love you so much. i love you. baby.. goodbye my love. its been so long, but for you, it was time. ill never find a time to get over you. ill never do anything without remembering you. im so sorry..and im so in love with you. i love you so much. all of the things ive been doing lately dont feel the same. even crying without you doesnt feel the same. i hate it..but i love you. even my writing feels worst. this letter or, whatever this shit is, it doesnt feel good. its a mess, but its my genuine thoughts. i need you right now.. nobody will ever compare to you, and i never want anybody else. ill never forget. fuck.. im sorry. i love you baby.. i love you. goodbye.. you are the love of my life, and you always will be. she will be loved, and loved i made sure to do. ill never stop loving her, even when shes with another, ill still love her. all my friends are worried about me. my family. jesus even random people at school are asking me. i guess ive started to look how i feel. im scared that ill never stop loving you, but the truth, i never want to stop loving you. because something as beautiful as the love i have for you, is something special. almost as special as you.. i dont know how to end this. i dont know where to end this. theres so much on my mind. i didnt know one person could have so much impact on me. i didnt know the topic of one person could make me write non stop over her. you were the love of my life. and now i understand the meaning of it. ill love you for the rest of my life, even when i never see you again, ill always think of you. ill always dream of you. ill always love you. ill always fucking love you. i get the meaning of love, and to me, the meaning of love was you and i together. ill never get to experience that again. ill never forget you. and ill never be the same without you. i love you so fucking much. i am in love with you.

anonymous asked:

I've been getting sick lately then once i saw The String you have just blessed my day thank you like seriously im so freaking happy even though i cant even get out of bed

i hope you feel better 💕 happy you liked the video

dt-divided  asked:

roast me bicc ((ROAST THE CHILDREN PLS))

Satan’s Roast Hour || Always Accepting

looks like i’m roasting muses, too, now apparently

pepper, first and for most, is a salty piece of ass

talk about holding a grudge

but you’re a worthless excuse of a demon if you cant do anything because you’re tired all the time

do you even know how to defend yourself? or the people you care about? what kind of a demon cant even muster the damned energy to get out of bed for literal DAYS straight

fuck off with your nice shit if you’re gonna hold a grudge all the damned time you salt king

you’re no better than the piece of shit beside you if you cant learn to let it go and stop giving energy towards hating another living being

and lemon, you’re just a piece of shit altogether

what the fuck kind of a person EATS THE MONSTER DUST AFTER KILLING SOMEONE

THAT IS ESSENTIALLY EATING A CORPSE WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL

you are a gross fuck. cannibalism can be considered trying to eat to survive and be passed given the circumstances. you? you’re just a sick fuck.

you say you want to get better but do you really? maybe you’re just suppressing your shitty nature to lure us all into a false sense of safety so you can fuck us over and do sick, twisted things to us, too.

you don’t deserve a happy ending you fuckface. why you’re even still alive is a mystery to me. anyone who remembers what you did shouldn’t have forgiven you. why dont you go find somewhere to be away from everyone so you stop hurting them?

and I’m not leaving out the ever-so-savage mun who sent this in the first place

you act like you wanna protect your children but then you fuck them up the ass

stop with your sick lies and just admit that you’re a sadist and just PRETEND to be a nice bun when really there’s a monster lurking within you

also ur art looks like u smeared mud all over the place and thought it looked pretty

stop drawing and go read some books g o d