cannot feel the reign

One

They allow each other the space - the freedom - to indulge in each other once a year.

Most days are a carefully choreographed dance between waiting and watching, protecting and guarding, promising and cherishing. Never too far away, but never so close that the line they’ve drawn together in the sand is crossed beyond what they know they can handle.

Until Starfall.

Just this one simple night when Cassian steps away, as he inevitably does at some point or other during the night. They’ve never asked him if its intentional or not.

Just this one simple night when the music takes over, slows them down, sets their bodies in motion weaving in and out of one another, until the moment is so soft and gentle, there is no going backwards. There is no disconnect. There is only dancing and there is only each other.

Just this one simple night and there is only them.

Silently, they’ve promised this night to one another for centuries.

When Azriel gave himself his first night off and it was Starfall, and Mor was there to drag him to dance. They’d never been so intimate before, so close. Not in this way that was open and devoid of danger or death. No one carried anyone to safety that night as Azriel had when he’d flown Mor from the Autumn Court to bring her home. He didn’t need any other excuse to touch her, hold her, protect her then as she had danced in and out of his arms with such ease, her smile holding the promise of many dances to come over the years.

So long as he would stay.

And stay he did.

When Mor first came back from the Court of Nightmares and had to choose a dress to wear on the court’s most celebrated night to help her pretend there were no demons lingering about her mind, and Az was waiting to help her into the music. When the music had grown less lively and a little more haunting, and Azriel had felt more than seen the first tear fall, he’d tucked her safely between his waiting arms, brought his wings around them, and let their bodies sway slowly in time to the beat. He watched Mor stare at those wings until she was no longer thinking through them to the world outside, but seeing them - seeing him - and knowing he would always be there.

And so would she.

For him, when Starfall comes and Azriel has to leave in the morning because the war is over, but their enemies aren’t. And he’s nervous even though he says nothing. There are more shadows on him than song and dance, but Mor threads careful smiles together. Offers a reassuring pat when Cassian has to step away to chat with someone mingling about in the crowd. Meets his gaze thoughtfully and doesn’t press too hard when Azriel sees Rhys brooding about the same mission and his shadows constrict. Gently, she flits about the perimeter of his world letting him be, letting him breathe. And when he’s ready, she knows he’ll come to her and offer his hand. No words needed. And they’ll dance.

Just one dance.

Over and over again through the centuries.

Sometimes it is sweet.

Sometimes it is mournful.

Sometimes it is the only way they know how to say I love you without actually saying it.

Just his chin resting against her hair. And her thumb stroking the smooth skin at the base of his neck. Or his hand holding her firmly in place on the small of her back. And maybe their free hands entwined together, pressed firmly against his chest.

Maybe he dips her. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe they spin and spin and spin endlessly through the night. Maybe they move in a slow heat.

But always they are close for just that one song. Where the world slips away and it is only them, and the words they cannot say yet feel every second of every day. And the stars reign down to tell them it is okay to live - even if only for tonight. To hold each other close and feel everything they want to feel, to know that it is there.

It is enough to get them through a year’s worth of visits to the Hewn City or missions to far away lands and courts full of secrets. When Mor is fighting back the ghost of a pain driven into her stomach as she paces her chambers deep beneath the mountain, or when Azriel sits atop a lonely mountain cleaning Truth-Teller to forget whose blood has stained it. On the coldest, hardest nights, they will think back to the last time they had their one dance, and feel the pain in their chests ease with the recollection.

It is almost better than the moment Azriel lands on the balcony at the House of Wind and sees Mor waiting for him, just like it is almost better than when Mor feels Azriel pull her against him when her father’s words go too far. Almost. But not quite.

No, nothing ever quite compares to that first moment of return when they carry Starfall in their hearts to bring them hurtling back toward one another and their eyes meet across the room, the city - wherever they may be - the love and relief springing to life inside their hearts with promise. Because even through all the doubts and fears and uncertainties that keep them from daring too much for the remainder of the year, Morrigan and Azriel know one thing with absolute certainty:

Starfall is waiting.

And so, too, is their dance.

xx

anonymous asked:

I just read your percy post! It's change a lot of how i see him, but also seems to gloss over flaws (how he isn't as considerate as that, especially to annabeth--he's not sensitive to how she feels about calypso and rachel and doesn't react when she's upset? and was an asshole to her about luke?) it usually seemed that she had a right to be angry at him most of the time, too.

i sound angry and i’m not angry it’s just that i cannot reign in my strong feelings about all of these points and can’t make a point without being Intense about it, but you didn’t do or say anything wrong and i’m not annoyed at you, you’re always welcome to bring up counter points about my posts!

but i do disagree. and here’s why.

“he’s not sensitive to how she feels about calypso”….. this is an assumption; it’s not canon. to our knowledge, percy and annabeth have never even mentioned her name to each other. if they ever had a conversation about it, it happened off-screen, so we have no idea how it went down. the closest we come to a conversation is when he comes back to camp from ogygia, but he explicitly tells us he doesn’t bring her up and says he was marooned on an island, hoping they would assume he’d been alone, because he couldn’t bear to talk about it. i fail to see how this is insensitive to annabeth. insensitive would be waving it in her face “look! i spent two weeks alone with a gorgeous girl that fell in love with me and maybe i might have loved a little bit too, right after our first kiss, no less!” but he doesn’t do that, he just quietly digests his own feelings. she makes her assumptions, and she gets upset, but that’s hardly his fault. he could have gone to comfort her, i suppose, but she screams in his face and runs out of the room, and for obvious reasons, he presumably decides this means she doesn’t want to talk to him. AND, here’s the thing: you shouldn’t have to apologize and give an explanation for your actions unless you’re blatantly treating someone badly? this isn’t just a problem i see in relation to this, it’s just with the world in general but like…. you don’t own people unless they give themselves to you, and if they haven’t yet, then you’re completely out of line if you’re going to get angry at them for spending time with other people (PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY ALMOST DIE FOR YOU AND HAVE NO CHOICE IN WHICH ISLAND THEY WASH UP ON).

her reaction rubs percy the wrong way for this exact reason.

“She will calm down,” Chiron promised. “She’s jealous, my boy.”

“That’s stupid. She’s not… it’s not like…”

which translates to: i’m not her boyfriend, she doesn’t have a right be angry at me for spending time with other girls.

WHICH, YOU KNOW, IS TRUE. people act like they have ownership of each other, but that’s gross and unhealthy and untrue. you don’t own someone just because you like them, or even love them. they’ve shared one NONCONSENTUAL kiss and are friends, and it’s out of line for her to give him the cold shoulder because he got dumped on an island against his will after nearly burning to death. (i’m DEFINITELY NOT saying that annabeth is abusive. i am saying that these actions are morally wrong, and could cause an unhealthy and potentially abusive relationship if they became a regular occurrence).

he comes back from the dead, having spent two weeks healing from burn wounds and such severly depleted strength that he couldn’t stand up and undoubtedly the trauma of being set on fire and blowing up a volcano and then struggling with the decision to stay in a place of safety or coming back to a war zone where he will decide the fate of the world, and about an hour after he comes back, annabeth calls him the single most annoying person she’s ever met and storms out of the room. so like, sue him for not going after her and apologizing for something he didn’t even do?

“i know you’re jealous, but you don’t have to be?” it would have been nice, i guess, but jealousy isn’t a rational emotion and i seriously doubt that annabeth would have reacted well to being confronted like that. not to mention that hey, percy is his own person and he’s allowed to spend time with other girls and have feelings for other girls and just because you like someone doesn’t give you the right to police who they spend their time with. he shouldn’t have to apologize for being literally dumped onto an island after nearly dying and staying there for two weeks until he was able to recover. he didn’t have a choice, and even if he had, it’s wrong to back people into a corner about who they spend their time with and expect them to apologize for it (unless they’re blatantly treating you badly, which percy was not.)

it’s the same old story with rachel. annabeth is blatantly and completely wrong in how she treats her. she’s not acting rationally, she’s being possessive and controlling and condescending and mean. and percy is fully justified in being angry about that, because it’s unacceptable. it doesn’t matter if she’s doing it because she likes him, and it doesn’t make him inconsiderate not to take that into account, because neither percy nor rachel has done anything wrong and no matter the reasons for her actions, the way annabeth is acting is wrong. he’s got no obligation to be considerate and has every right to be annoyed.

now, perhaps what you’re referring to is the fact that he doesn’t take into account how she must be feeling and while she’s definitely wrong, we generally expect people who love us to cut us some slack and rise above our bad attitudes (even when, in some cases ((if you’re non-neurotypical, you don’t have to feel guilty about asking your loved ones to give you some slack regarding your symtoms)) it’s unfair of us to ask). and it’s not wrong of you not do to that, but it would be kind and considerate of you if you did, and since percy doesn’t, this means he’s not very considerate of annabeth. she’s going through hell and needs support, after all.

to which i would say, percy does do that for annabeth (emphasis mine):

decidedly not telling her about the kiss, because it will only make her agitated, angry, and hurt.

“Annabeth blushed. It dawned on me that she knew I’d been hanging out with Rachel, and I felt guilty. Then I felt angry that I felt guilty. I was allowed to have friends outside camp, right?” -Last Olympian

“And I definitely couldn’t tell Annabeth, ‘Hey, let me borrow your phone so I can call Rachel!’” -Last Olympian

I knew I was asking for trouble, but I didn’t know who else to trust. Plus, I’d always depended on Annabeth for advice. ‘Listen, I had this dream about, um, Rachel…” -Last Olympian

“I looked in the direction Annabeth had gone, but she’d disappeared into the crowd. I couldn’t believe what she’d just done – saved Rachel’s life, landed a helicopter, and walked away like it was no big deal.” -Last Olympian

“I felt like a complete jerk. I wanted to pull her aside and explain that I didn’t mean for Rachel to be here, that it wasn’t my idea, but we had no time.” -Last Olympian

i don’t have the energy to argue about being considerate about luke (luke and annabeth’s dynamic is abusive as fuck and it makes it incredibly complex to explain and handle).

the general gist of the matter is that luke has literally been strategically planning to murder percy since the first week they knew each other and literally is the catalyst to why percy’s life is so difficult and he has to fight a war and save the world and he’s literally fucking terrified, and if you don’t take that into account when you think about how percy feels about luke and annabeth, you’re only getting half of the story.

“I wanted to comfort her, but I didn’t know how. I still felt stunned, like Kronos’s time-slow effect had affected my brain. I just couldn’t comprehend what I’d seen. Kronos was alive. He was armed. And the end of the world was probably close at hand.” -Battle of the Labyrinth. AND PERCY HAS TO PERSONALLY FIX THAT PROBLEM. nobody on earth should have to deal with that level of shit, much less be expected to comfort someone else in the midst of it.

“I guess I understand how you feel,” I said. “But Thalia’s right. Luke has hurt you so many times. He was evil even before Kronos. I don’t want him to hurt you anymore.” -Last Olympian. he knows that this relationship is fucking toxic and wants her out of it and that’s his angle for the entirety of the series, so like. he loves her and wants to help and definitely thinks about her best interest. so. i’d call that considerate.