cannot be unsaid

((I don’t even know what to say here, if I’m completely honest.  It might seem like a lot of rambling as I go forward.  I haven’t really had a moment to take it all in yet.  But death is a weird thing for me and it just hasn’t hit me fully until now.  You can ask me on my mod blog about it.

@askrustynail is one hell of a guy.  That must be said.  It cannot go unsaid.  Rusty is one of the very few that have been around as long as I have in this community.  And he is without a doubt deserving of a place on the Mount Rushmore of Tumblrpon.  Not only for his unique blog and his fun character, which is how we were introduced to him.  But for his kindness, his brilliance, his giving spirit.  That is what I and anyone who’s met him in person will take away from him.

I first met him at Trotcon 2013.  It was where I got my first jar of honey vanilla vodka from him.  It wouldn’t be the last jar I would get either.  I will fully admit that it wasn’t my favorite drink.  I did sample it from time to time, but I enjoyed sharing it with friends just as much.  I took the jar I got at Bronycon ‘15 to an Illini tailgate and shared it with my college buddies there.  Daniel said it was one of the best drinks he’s ever had in his life.

I still have the jar he gave me at Trotcon last year.  I plan on sharing it with everyone when we get back together this year, in a toast and tribute to him.

Rusty is a genius at mixing drinks.  He helped Wiggles and I out immensely during King Pirate Power Hour at Trotcon last year, serving as the unofficial bartender for the panel.  He got me to sample a drink that was basically hot sauce with alcohol in it.  It took me by surprise, but it was good.  He made that panel a lot more fun.

Rusty is hilarious too, and is outstanding at dishing out puns.  I know all you guys think I’m really good at it (for some reason), but Rusty was a pro at it.  During Punanel last year with Sam, I invited Rusty to come on it.  He stole the show for that hour and had people roaring with laughter.

Most of all, Rusty has a kind heart and spirit.  He’s always willing to help people out.  He’s always able to sense when people are in trouble or stressed and give them a calming presence.  And you could talk to him about anything too.  One of the last times we chatted in person, Rusty and I were talking about public radio and what I could try to do to get our station’s name out there more.

It’s going to suck to go to Trotcon or Bronycon this year, and not see him there.  There’s going to be an empty feeling, and everyone is going to wish he was with us for one more round or one more conversation.

I know this is going to sound cliche, but we can’t take life for granted.  Rusty is only one year older than me, and he’s not going to be with us anymore.  That’s just not fair.  He was taken too young from us.  I know I’m going to try and make a better effort to reach out to friends old and new, because I wish I had chatted with him more outside of conventions.  We should all strive to live life like he did.

And my heart goes out to @technomod.  It’s not fair for Rusty and Tech didn’t get to live the rest of their lives together.  We’re all thinking about you and want to help you in anyway possible.

So here’s to a last call with Rusty.  I’ll miss you good sir.  I’ll see you on the other side for drinks and arguments over football.))

cosleia  asked:

“You’re so good, love. So beautiful and sweet.” for kylucc? Bonus if you manage to do it in canon-verse ;D

(Inspired by the recent nasty cold that y'all have heard so much about.)

Hux has the immune system of a droid – he seems to never fall victim to the sniffles or coughs or sore throats most people get at one time or another. It helps that he’s fastidious, doesn’t like things messy or dusty, doesn’t engage in much of anything that would lead to a prolonged illness like extended exposure to new environments or foods. But when he does get sick, which is maybe every couple of years, it’s never just a light headache or cold. It’s violent shivers like he’s freezing cold, but sweating profusely, too hot for blankets. He kicks them off and then the chattering teeth begin again. The cycle is brutal but must be borne.

The last time this happened, most times this happens, he has had no one to see to him except droids. Now, though, he has Ren.

The throes of this illness has eroded away so much of Hux’s icy exterior that he’s hardly recognizable. This trembling, exhausted thing wants more affection than Ren could have ever imagined him having a stomach for. More than affection, though, care, real, genuine care, and he seems so surprised and thankful to get it that it tightens Ren’s throat to hear it.

“You’re so good, love,” Hux rasps through his ruined throat, his voice just a shade above a hiss. Love? Pet names are not Hux’s thing, not something Ren has ever heard from him, but now they come as freely as his coughs. “So beautiful and sweet…”

It occurs to Ren that maybe this is a bribe. That Hux feels guilty for being cared for, that Hux wants Ren to feel good about him taking the time for him. Then again, maybe Hux just genuinely feels free to speak his mind now.

“Thank you,” Ren murmurs, and Hux shakes his head, his face shining with sweat.

“No, thank – thank you. Lovely Ren. So lovely.”

Ren is distinctly unused to caring for anyone but himself, and the motions of wiping Hux’s brow and combing back his damp hair feel as strange as the customs of a distant planet. Yet somehow they feel right, and the adoration in Hux’s face as he twists and turns in the grip of his fever tells him he is doing them, to some level, correctly. He falls asleep sitting next to the bed, and the fever breaks sometime during the night, and something – it is a good thing – has changed between them. Lovely Ren. Love. It cannot be unsaid.

You don’t need someone else to make you feel good about yourself. Yes, its nice to hear pretty words come out of pretty mouths, but they don’t always stick around. At the end of the day when those people leave, you’re left with yourself. You have to build yourself up, believe that you are strong, beautiful, smart, funny, etc. Don’t rely on others to give your self-esteem a boost. That’s your job. You have to be healthy for yourself, work hard, do new things, be happy, live out your passions. You have to love yourself. Then when a pretty mouth comes a long, you won’t be dependant on hearing those pretty words to define your worth.
Cabinet Battle

Author: Zoe

Word count: 1,241

[A/N: here we begin with our favorite douche bag, Thomas Jefferson.]


Thomas Jefferson- oh, you had a lot to say about Thomas Jefferson. He was an arrogant, loudmouth, blackmailing, and womanizing, pro-slavery man with no sense of remorse.

And you might just have an infatuation or, as they say now, crush on him (or maybe you want to crush him, your emotions switched from time to time). So, to make him real courting material, you decided to attend one of his famous senate meetings to talk some sense into him.

Keep reading

Rivetra Fics

Note: Here are many Rivetra (Levi/Petra) fics you could read! Also, most are drabbles and poems. 
SOME ARE IN SPANISH AND FRENCH!
I’m certain there are more out there… if there are more… feel free to add! c:


  • #——–E


36 Things I will never regret or 36 seconds before death,  
A Blessing or Mistake,  A Clear Midnight,  A Faint Recollection, 
A Gentle Kiss,  A Little Push,  A Love Destined To Be,  A Painful Sight,
 A Slight Inconvenience,  A sudden surprise,  A Summon,  
A Thug of Loving You,  A wedding,  A Year To Look Forward To,  
Ackerman Family Adventures,  Ackerman Siblings AU,
Actions and Consequences,  All Because of The Aiaigasa,
 All in a Day’s Work,  almost lover,  Alone with Company,  
An Angel’s Free Will,  And So We Meet Again, Another Perspective,
 Arms Wide Open,  Art Of War,  Asleep,  As Long As I’m Breathing,  Autumn,  Baby Don’t Cry,  Bane of Titans,  Beautiful,
 Beauty in Hell,   Before The End,  Behind Close Doors,  Be With You,  Bisou Bisou,  Bitter Coffee,  black and white,  Blooded Uniform,  Bonjour et au-revoir,  Boundaries, Breaking the News, Burn,
 The Butterfly Effect, Caffeine, Captain and Soldier,
Careful What You Wish For,  Carry Me Home,  
Chain Messages, Chocolate, Chords of Progression,
Chores with the Corporal, 
 Clash of Heaven and Hell, Cold, colour, Convergence,
Cookies by Corporal, Coeur de battant,  Corporal Pervert, 
Crossing Lines,Dawn, DearMemories,  Decided on You, decrescendo, Delicate Afflictions, Despertar enla mañana, Destinado a ti , Devious, Tender Touch, Diario de Memorias,  Did You Hear?,  Down The Road, Drifting, Like Feathers on the Wind,   Drunk,   Drunk in Love,
 ElFrío Seductor, Enchanting ,Endless Sky,  Entangled, Equals, Equations, Errores,Estrellafugaz, Eternal Love, The Everlasting Flower,  Exposed




  • F——–R


Facade’, Fade to Black, Failed to Send,  Favors, FinallyIFoundYou, 
Finally Happy, Fine, Intertwined, First Reality,  First Step,  Flats, 
Flower girl, Flower Of Fire,  Flowers, 
Forever Is Never For Certain, Fragile Wings, Freedom Fighters,
Future Memories, Golden Eyes,Goodbye my Love,
 
Good Morning, Baby, Gotten,  Grapevine,  The Healing Process, 
Heat, Heichou, Hello Again, Here to Stay,  Her Soldier,  Hieroglyphs, Home,  Honey and Spice,  Honey and Stone, 
Honey ‘n the Scouts, Honey Tea,   Hypnosis,  I’d give my eyes to you, 
I’ll Need You After Class,  In Another Lifetime, In His Dreams,
 It’s 5 O'clock Somewhere, I Would, Jueves,  
Ladoncellayel demonio,  Lamia, La noche de la entrega,  
The Last of Us: Attack on Titan, Lazy Morning, Levi’s Daughter, Liebesbrief mit kein Wiederkehr,
 Life Is Beautiful With You,  Life Lessons,  Life’s Too Short,
 Link Through Time,   Los muros jamás detienen la primavera, Lost, Love is Waiting, Love vs. Fear, Magical Mirror, 
Meet Me at the Stairs, 
Memorias de Otoño, Miscommunication, Misguided Hope. 
Mistaken Identity,  Mockingbird, Moments in Between, 
Mr. Ackerman Kindergarten Class,  My Admiration,  My Immortal,
 My Sunshine, Nameless Creature, New Girl, Nice,  Not Sorry,  now, again as before, 
of Regret, and Remembering, Old Traditions Die Hard,  
One More Chance, 
One Sweet Love, Our Silent Vows, Outside The Walls,
 The Passage of Stars, Patches, Paws & Sweet Tea, Petra, Petra Slips
Up!, phantasmagoria, Philosophy, Pianissimo, Pirouette,  
Poetry is a Luxury , Poing contre coeur, Possesive, PreciousSecrets, Private Dancer, 
Punto de No Retorno, Push, Fall, Quand les arbres perdent leurs feuilles, ¿Rea estoy solo?, Red String, Remembering Petra, Repercussions, 
Réquiemde un Amor Perdido, Resolutions, respite, Rewards, Rivetra: Sickday, Rivetra ,  , 

  • S———Z


Say It With Flowers, Scare Tactics, Scars 【Rivetra, 
Scattered Memories, Secret Princess, Shared Moments, 
The Shitty Things People do when in Love, 
SNK: One Sweet Love, Soaring Stone, Solid Ground,Solopuedo, 
Solo tu y yo, Something About You, Something about your Lips,  
So this was Squad Levi , Spoils of War, Step by Step, 
Stich it Together, Stronger,  Summer Storm, Survivor’s Guilt,
Sweat For It ,  Sweet Addictions, Taking a Break ,  
Teaching Ms. Ral, ¿Teacuerdasmí, Tea for Two,  
The Absence of Starlight, The Absolute Law, 
The Captain and his Soldier, The Language of Love,
the other side, These Cruel Deeds,The Wedding,  
The World We Saw, They Call It The Language of Love,
 Till My Last Breath, time cannot erase, Tired, 
To Clean, Or Not To Clean, truth or dare, To Us and Our Blooming Jubilance, The Tug of War, Turkish Delight, Turnabout is Fair Play, Turning Pages, The Two Faces of Surprise, 
Un canto de cumpleaños, Underground Desire,
 Underground Drabbles, Unwind, Ups and Downs,
 The Visit, Voicemail,  Vulnerable,   What He’s Gained,  What If, 
What Levi Didn’t Talk  When He Talked about Babysitting,
 what you cannot escape,  What’s Left Unsaid, When Love Lasts, 
where we land,  While All The Vultures Feed, 
Whispers of the Wind, White Knight, Why did you have to go, 
Windborne Feathers, Wishes,  With You, 
You Only Need The Light When It’s Burning Low, Your Criminal, 
You’re The Only One,  ça ne prend qu-un jour,  愛着 love, 



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- Secret Origins #1

At the anniversary of his parents’ death, Dick celebrates life instead of moruning them. That is a nice touch.

This entire story though, it’s just going through the motions. ‘Here, have a panel of the Flying Graysons, and one of Bruce revealing his identity and some training.’ Also, I cannot let it be unsaid how much it bugs me that Dick’s as old as he is here. I know it’s the new 52 canon that he was 15-16 when he became Robin, but that simply doesn’t sit well with me.

—————-

Service announcement: You’ll have to contend with reblogs for a few  days while I get my head above water. I’ve started the pre-exam panic period. I am also overwhelmed by RL stuff in addition to my job taking up a lot of my time. Unfortunately those things have to take precedence over reading comics. It’s sad but true. I’m sure you won’t even notice that I’m goine. :P

Cassie is the Rose Bride of the Animorphs

Edit: I say below that Jake is white; Jake and his cousin are apparently Jewish.  I have much to learn about this, but just FYI.  h/t to @blackmantagirl

So I realize that the number of people who will see this who know both Revolutionary Girl Utena and Animorphs can be counted on the fingers of zero hands, and that this seems like a super fanboy trashy comparison to make, but there are important reasons that I want to make it.

The character of Cassie is one of the most divisive in the Animorphs fandom, which is a polite way of saying that significant numbers of fans hate her with a passion.  She’s the “moral voice” of the Animorphs and her primary role in the story is to question the ethics of this little gang of terrorist guerrillas shapeshifting teenage superheroes.  There’s room to disagree with some of the ethical framework she uses, and she gets in the way of the masculine power fantasy aspect of the story, so many fans hate her.  (Never mind that the authors specifically set out to drive a stake into the heart of the masculine power fantasy that the outline of the story might otherwise suggest.)  She’s a moron.  She’s a hypocrite.  She’s an idiot who cares more about her own emotions than about doing what’s necessary.  Forgive me if I picture the people who say things like this decked out in black uniforms with shiny jackboots.

But there’s another aspect to this.  Cassie is also Jake Berenson’s Rose Bride – where Jake is Dios, not Utena.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Hi, so, um, a little while ago you answered an anon ask about your thoughts on the level of reconciliation between Eppie and Fenris after All That Remains? And you mentioned that there were stolen kisses during that whole awkward three years. And I wondered if you had maybe any drabbles or ficlets or little notes-to-self lying around that you wanted to share (or have already shared somewhere)? Because *squee*. You are super and so is Eppie. I'm just going to crawl back under my rock now. <3

Fenris is not used to seeing Hawke bedridden. Mages in general, if he is honest; magisters tended to die quickly and brilliantly when their magic failed in battle, and few permitted themselves to linger through the indignity of long illness. But here Hawke lies, eyes bruised, bandaged shoulder to hip and held together by little more than stitches, Anders’s desperate attempts to mitigate the damage of the Arishok’s sword.

Sword, he thinks, and his lips twist. Cleaver.

He does not move, but something in the quiet afternoon stirs Hawke to wakefulness. She blinks slowly, a confusion in her face that disquiets him with its strangeness, and her hand half-rises from the bedcovers before falling again. “Fenris?” she says, and slurs the word. She still has not looked at him.

“Hawke.”

She blinks again; then her eyes clear on him where he sits in the wooden armchair pulled to her bedside, and her eyebrows lift in something like lucidity. “Am I still dreaming?”

Relief surges in his throat; he cannot help the smile. “Do all your dreams involve such suffering on your part?”

“Only most of the time,” she says, but she grins to soften it. “How long have you been here?”

Hours. “Not long.”

“Liar.”

Keep reading

Bruised

Written before last weeks ep, so off canon & no spoilers but premise is Regina & Emma have words after fighting the snow queen, then Robin arrives, he’s not happy and not feeling particularly honourable…..

———–

She’s too bruised for this right now, it’s a mistake, her walls are down, battered by Emma’s words, words she will have to face later but not now, now she has to deal with this situation.

She is injured, not perilously so but enough for the pain to catch in her throat, leave her miserable. Emma is injured too but not as badly, few bruises, some cuts but then Emma is level headed, even in a fight and she, well she is reckless.

A fact that Robin has not stopped berating her for ever since he arrived at the edge of Storybook forest just in time to spot her and Emma stumbling out from the trees, covered in snow, little bits of ice and a fair amount of blood, mostly hers.

Emma hovers awkwardly to her side, keeps accidentally catching her eye and they’ve been here before but this time there’s less of an audience, no David and his so called wit and no ex-boyfriend’s wife calling her out. Dear Marian is still renting a room at the Nunnery, well she’s taking up space, her needs are few given her frozen state, which is frankly the only state Regina would ever deem acceptable should she herself ever finding herself needing bed and board in that place.

But in the here and now, yet again Emma is witness to more of her pain, the pattern between them all is really starting to piss her off. She wishes Emma would just leave, she knows why she had stayed but Robin has calmed down somewhat, a side to him she hasn’t seen here in Storybrooke and only briefly before in their realm.

He was so angry, at first she couldn’t understand, was hit with the dread that something had happened to the town or heaven forbid Roland. It was only when he started on the ever so repetitive reckless track that it dawned on her, he was angry with her and to some extent Emma for venturing into the woods alone to track down the latest villain, the so called Dairy Queen.

He’s still clutching at her wrist, fingers digging into her flesh and she’s distracted by the thought, not for the first time that his nails are always so clean especially for someone who lives in the forest, literally sleeping on the forest floor. She is hit by the memory of him rising from a nest of moss completely leaf free during the missing year and having the audacity to laugh at her not so subtle attempts to remove twigs and a god damn beetle from her hair. She wanted to punch him then, now she wishes he would notice the leaf tangled in her hair, the one she can see in the corner of her eye, was about to remove before he came up in her space, hopes he will spot it too and brush it away gently like he did then.

He is calming down and has loosened his grip on her wrist, busy himself with sweeping his eyes up and down, taking her in. Looking for injuries she realises, she pulls her good hand from him, resists the urge to wrap it round the injured one.

“Regina” he huffs “are you injured?”

“No” she lies, it comes out a little more petulant than she would have liked but quite frankly her wrist is hurting like a bitch, she just needs some time, away from his never ending stare and Emma’s sideward glances, she supposed she should be grateful they both care but right now, she’s tired, in pain and pissed off with people that care but not quite enough.

“Regina” from Emma it sounds like a warning, from Robin a disbelieving, almost groan. Great, two people she cant lie too, two people who think they know her better than she knows herself.

“Fine” and now its full on petulant “my wrist is a little….sore” she allows. Its far more than sore, its broken she heard it snap when she mis-stepped and fell back, landing on it heavily. It will be fine when she gets some peace and quiet, can find a happy thought to wrap herself in and heal it. The magic is there, scratching under her skin but it’s skittish, too hocked up on adrenaline from the fight to settle down and heal her. Her magic not unlike herself is quite irritable right now.

“Let me see” Robin hmms softly, reaching slowly, very slowly towards her, “roll up your sleeve” he’s no fool, knows better than to do it himself. She wonders if he remembers when she told him about magic and emotion, how intertwined they are, especially for her. How she confessed to him, that sometimes she couldn’t tell the difference between her and the magic, if she was upset or it was. It seems he does remember, worst after using a lot she had said, like in battle he had asked and now he has that look on his face, the same one he wore after her confession and ever since she overused, that look deep into her eyes, checking she is present, grounded her.

“I’d rather not” she says

“That bad” he replies, not a question but a statement.

Emma is hovering again, its evident she wishes to leave.

“You can go now Miss Swan” she tells her, “Im sure your pirate is missing you’

"Right” Emma nods, hesitates but finds her resolve “we will talk in the morning”

“Dont hold your breath”

“No we will Regina, things were said tonight, things that cannot be unsaid but perhaps not said at the right time, in the right way and if I was out of line then I apologise but we WILL talk in the morning because despite everything, theres no one else I’d rather have by my side in a fight”

Emma offers her a smile, small but genuine as she starts walking away, clearly not expecting a reply, they both know one is not needed. Her silence is answer enough.

“Hey Regina, we make a good team” she calls back, pushing her luck.

Clearly Emma’s magic is making her cocky and despite herself she smiles.

———–

Robin has taken to her Granny’s, commandeered the back room, not her ideal choice but its closest, its late so the diner is practically empty as he ushers her through, hand on the small of her back, the first time he has touched her since their ‘break-up’. His earlier grasp on her wrist doesn’t count since she doesn’t think he was even aware of it.

Granny nodded them through, she couldn’t hear what was said but it was a brief conversation and she trusts him not to say anything to the old women that if repeated could throw the town into yet another panic.

“Roland can be quite clumsy especially after a massive amount of sugar” he explains at her raised eyebrow, the unasked question of how come he knows where the first aid box in the diner can be found, answered.

“Come on” he smiles, hand returns to her back rubs small circles there which is nice.

“What happened between you two?” He asks as he unwinds a bandage strip, ready to re-wind around her wrist.

She is sat on the edge of the couch with Robin on his knees to her side. Removing her jacket was easy, hiding the agony not so.

“I told her she ruined my life, she told me I was wrong, I ruined my own and hers” she shouldn’t have said that lest he think she would rather Marian was still dead which obviously she does but he doesn’t need to hear her say that. “I mean in everything” she clarifies “henry, breaking the curse”.

“You wish your curse was still in effect?” He asks head tilted to gauge her reaction.

“Life was a whole lot simpler and safer for that matter” lifts her injured hand to make her point.

Robin chuckles that soft chuckle, the one that is almost always accompanied by a shake of his head and bottom teeth disappearing into his lip, he does not disappointed now, makes that face at her, like she’s incorrigible and he’s delighted by it.

“And what of Henry?” He asks

She wonders briefly if he means what of me and this is his way of asking but decides, no he would have just said it. She almost wishes he had, that question would have made her slightly less uncomfortable than the one he has asked.

“We would have been fine” she says, they would have worked it out, she would have found a way. Curse in tact, would have saved them both some heartache but really fine? better than fine? happy? she’s not sure.

“You really don’t regret the curse?” He asks.

The simple answer is as always no because it led to Henry but breaking the curse, well that’s a whole different ball game. She thinks of Emma’s words again “you ruined mine, you have no idea” but she does and Emma knows it. That’s the annoying thing about the Saviour, she gets it, all of it, the whole messed up situation and yet she still thinks that she and only she can bring back the happy endings but she’s wrong.

“Regina?” Robin murmurs. He has stopped mid bandage, concerned look on his face as his eyes drift down to her other hand, the uninjured one, the one in which she digs her nails into her palm repeatedly. Robin reaches for it, then stops.

“Im fine” in answer to his unspoken question “just tired”. Straightens her palm flat on her trouser leg, look see, all fine.

“The curse gave me control” she tells him, now she has none, its unsettling. “At the time, it seemed necessary” more than necessary.

“And now? You gave up Mayorship voluntary after all”.

“Mmmm true…but I have more important things to do right now”.

“For which I am grateful” he says, this time he reaches for her hand, doesn’t stop himself, takes it and gives it a gentle squeeze briefly before turning his attention back to the bandaging.

“Besides this cursed land, isn’t all bad isn’t it?”

“No indeed not, Im quite fond of it”
he tells her “especially the food”.

“It always comes down to food with you merry men” she teases.

“Besides, I think that level of control is unrealistic”

She stifles a sigh, wishes he’d move on, change the subject, so much simpler before when they were together and she would have shut him up with a kiss.

“You think Im unrealistic?” tries for flippant, fails.

“Thats not what I said”

“Its unrealistic to expect everything can be controlled, can be fixed, sometimes all we can do is try our best” he’s looking concerned now, worried about her, worried about the burden he has placed on her, a burden she knows she deserves but yet,

She snorts a laugh “Or you can just get yourself a code and live by it no matter what” its cruel and she didn’t mean it, mostly she regrets it apart from that small angry voice that says this is ridiculous, he loves you and you love him, codes and everything else be damned.

Her words have shaken him, he rocks back on his haunches to his feet, pushes away from her, she sees the tight line in his jaw before he turns fully away, paces forward, hands running through his hair, his little tell of stress.

“Im sorry” she says and means it now.

He half turns back, “don’t be”.

“I am sorry Robin” she forces herself to her feet. Inspects his handiwork, he has done a good job on her wrist.

He steps forward as she does, two magnets, meeting in the middle of the room. They really shouldn’t be this close, he said he wanted to fix up her wrist and he has done so now they should leave, go, their separate ways but neither of them move away, only closer.

“Its a bit of a mess isn’t it” he says, chuckling low, its not funny and he’s not really laughing.

“Indeed”

Robin pulls her into a hug and she lets him. Its just a hug and its been a shitty shitty day. Its nice to lean against him, tuck her head into his chest, breathe him in, familiar and thrilling at the same time.
One hand around her waist, the other at the back of her head, palm down running up and back down, smoothing it against her skull, she sighs, so nice.

Both her arms are round his waist, loosely wrapped there, neither of them speak, neither wants to break the moment but her wrist aches and she wants to move her head up to his, wants more so she pushes back and away. Robin reaches for her, pulls her back and kisses her, hard.

Its too brief then he’s the one pulling away now, putting space between them, hands running back though his own hair, apologising again and again.

“Don’t” she tells him. “There’s nothing you can say to make this better, we both know how we feel and you know how you feel about Marian and I respect that and despite what I said earlier, I do respect your code, I really do” she tells him, words spilling out, “but apologising is pointless”.

Its all pointless really she thinks.

She stands, back straight, head raised “thank you for this” lifts her bandaged wrist “and thank you for coming to find me today it means a lot but Robin you made your choice, asked for my help which I intend to give you and in return I ask that you continue to stick by your code”

“I don’t know how you feel” he says, he’s miserable, its not what she wants. He is supposed to have his happy ending, she has promised herself he will get it. Marian has been frozen too long, she will try even harder tomorrow but she wont lie to him.

“Yes you do” she says and leaves, doesn’t look back, makes it all the way home before she gives into the tears, pushes away the tiny sliver of hope in her heart, that voice that whispers, perhaps now he knows how you feel, wishes she told him sooner, wishes she hadn’t told him at all.

I’m sad right now, and, as I often do when I’m sad, I’m stuck thinking about the things that I’ve done in the past that were wrong. 

I remember once in junior high, I had to give a presentation about Asia. Or maybe history? I can’t remember: what I do remember is that I referred to a particular Asian race throughout the presentation by a derogatory term. 

The reason why I did this was ignorance. I’d only ever heard of people from this country described by this derogatory term–my family, some friends– they all used this term. I thought it was acceptable. I thought that was what they were called. I thought it was the same as calling a white person Caucasian.

My teacher didn’t correct me. I assume that she knew from my context that I had meant no harm (which shouldn’t have mattered; she should have corrected me–or perhaps, because of the very white, rural area we were in, she herself didn’t believe it was wrong). Instead, another student pulled me aside after class and told me that the term I used throughout the presentation was incorrect and offensive. 

My first reaction was defensive. The teacher hadn’t corrected me, why should she?! And then I reacted angrily. How dare she call me out on something I did! I didn’t mean to be offensive–she shouldn’t chastise me for something I didn’t mean to do! Besides, what did this girl care, she wasn’t of that race, no one in my entire school was.

The girl gave up on me. She walked away, shaking her head in disappointment. And I think it was that action–that defeat and disappointment in the way she walked away–that made me realize I was wrong. I didn’t mean to be wrong, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone else, but I had. I wished I could pull all the words I said and put them back inside my mouth. Not just my fight with the girl who correctly called me out, but my use of that word during the presentation. 

I couldn’t do that. That was the lesson I learned: once said, words cannot be unsaid, and an apology doesn’t erase them, not completely.

This was the first time that I realized a person could be wrong by accident, that intent doesn’t matter. That I should apologize for the way I thought and spoke that hurt others, even if I hadn’t meant to hurt them. Even if it was just words. 

That moment has stayed with me for a long, long time. I hope it stays with me forever. Whenever I open my mouth and hurt someone with my words, I always see the disappointed, defeated way that girl walked away from me. I wish she knew just how triumphant she was that day. 

I still make mistakes. I still try to learn from them. And I respect, more than ever, the need for me to be silent and learn.

Do you know how much your betrayal hurt me then? Do you know how I’m constantly pained by the knowledge of what I’ve done to you in exchange for your betrayal? The words spoken over the gates cannot be unsaid, nor can I take back my actions. I’m bound to be haunted by them. If I had died in the battle, I would have used my last breath to implore your forgiveness. Do you understand? There’s no going back, things will never be what they could have been. 

Theft, chapter XXVIII