cancer party

THE SIGNS AS THREE SUMMER CLICHES
  • Likes to party, get drunk, stay up all night, cheers to the weekday: Aries, Gemini, Sagittarius, Libra
  • Likes the beach, sleepin' to the waves, sand in every crevice, sunny days: Taurus, Leo, Aquarius, Pisces
  • Likes to chill indoors, friends over, watchin' a movie in a dark room: Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, Capricorn
The signs at a house party
  • Aries: that one drunk girl that gives everyone shots and is real fun until someone doesn't want a shot and then she tries to fight every one.
  • Taurus: four words. Stoned on the couch.
  • Gemini: the host.
  • Cancer: in the corner waiting for it to be over. Only here cuz their outgoing friend dragged them along.
  • Leo: telling obnoxious lies because everyone is intoxicated and is believing the stories of grandiose, which is a rare opportunity.
  • Virgo: shy but cool guy who is only here because the person he likes is also here.
  • Libra: cute guy who backpacked across Europe and speaks seven languages. You're in love, he isn't about that life.
  • Scorpio: don't open that bedroom door or so help me.
  • Sagittarius: made an appearance with a beach ball and big funny hats for fun times, left at 12 like Cinderella.
  • Capricorn: wearing a blazer? Somehow it works? Talks about sustainable living? Somehow not bored?
  • Aquarius: on the back porch with a small crowd of people talking about fringe theories and how humans are animals too.
  • Pisces: by the pool, talking to everyone and anyone. Also the drunk girls by the bathroom.
The Zodiac Signs After Spilling Something on Themselves at an Important Event (And Subsequently Staining Their Clothes)

Tries to wipe off the stain, and, if they don’t succeed, cover the stain up and hope no one notices: Aries, Taurus, Sagittarius, Aquarius, Pisces

Spends ages in the bathroom trying to remove the stain, and if they fail, rearranges the outfit so no one can see: Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra

Leaves the party: Scorpio, Capricorn

The signs as things I've done while drunk
  • Aries: stole an entire bottle of champagne from my friends, ran, and drank the whole thing by myself under a tree
  • Taurus: asked my friends parents if I could make weed brownies as a joke and they said yes
  • Gemini: talked to a friend about the universe for an entire hour in some random person's yard at 2 am
  • Cancer: held my friends hair back while she threw up, put pj's on her, and tucked her into bed
  • Leo: danced on a bar in front of a wall that said "fuck yeah" with an American flag
  • Virgo: made plans with a complete stranger to go see Niagara Falls (I live in Florida)
  • Libra: when my dad's girlfriend asked for a lighter, I misheard her and ran to my room and grabbed my weed because I thought she said "light up" let's just say my dad wasn't happy
  • Scorpio: kissed three guys within the span of 2 hours
  • Sagittarius: went driving with friends (a sober person was driving dw) and had a titanic moment through my sun roof by myself (it was magical)
  • Capricorn: destroyed two grown ass men in beer pong my first time playing
  • Aquarius: went to a party with a friend when we heard a girl say "hey are we going skiing tonight?" (aka doing coke). My friend and I just looked at each other and got tf out of there
  • Pisces: grabbed a blanket and fell asleep in about 10 different places in my friend's house
the signs as things boys at my school have said/done part 2
  • aries: i only write in capital letters now. this is the new me
  • taurus: *yelling marco up a flight of stairs*
  • gemini: if you're not sinning you're not winning
  • cancer: party hard, work hard
  • leo: *sticking hand out of the classroom window* this is football weather
  • virgo: *uses his notebook as a pillow to nap in class*
  • libra: i keep putting the back of this pen in my mouth but then i remember i found it on the floor
  • scorpio: *to his friend* trip me again and i'll break your knee
  • sagittarius: *yelling polo down a flight of stairs*
  • capricorn: why did god make humans flammable
  • aquarius: i can make some sick dolphin noises wanna hear
  • pisces: *holding his butt the entire class because he sat on the radiator for too long*
Drunk Signs
  • ARIES: the violent drunk
  • TAURUS: the sentimental drunk
  • GEMINI: the happy drunk
  • CANCER: the honest drunk
  • LEO: the naked drunk
  • VIRGO: the broken drunk
  • LIBRA: the sloppy drunk
  • SCORPIO: the bold drunk
  • SAGITTARIUS: the infantile drunk
  • CAPRICORN: the melancholic drunk
  • AQUARIUS: the touchy-feely drunk
  • PISCES: the horny drunk
The Signs As Things My Friends or I Did at My Party Last Night

Aries: *screaming* “I NEVER F*CKED WAYNE, I NEVER F*CKED DRAKE, ALL MY LIFE, MAN F*CKS SAKE-”

Taurus: “EAT MORE BIRTHDAY CAKE IF YOU’RE NOT A WIMP”

Gemini: *snapchatting entire party while dying laughing*

Cancer: “You’re wasting so much Sprite on the table!!”

Leo: *standing over toilet, on the verge of vomiting, after having too many orange soda shots*

Virgo: *runs down driveway and rips shirt off* *mom pulls into driveway and honks*

Libra: *watches Leo reach for another round of soda shots* *Wraps arms around Leo restricting them from reaching the soda* “nO SHOTS- NO MORE SHOTS YOU’RE GOING TO THROW UP STOP-”

Scorpio: “Let’s summon Bloody Mary- Do you have any candles??”

Sagittarius: *taking Sprite shots and spilling it all on the table while Gemini records*

Capricorn: *is 45 minutes late buying a last minute gift*

Aquarius: *has no idea what the hell is going on*

Pisces: “If I see Bloody Mary I WILL projectile vomit-”

The Zodiac Signs at a Boring Function

Complains to everyone- if there’s no one to complain to, they’ll complain in their head: Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo

Desperately strikes up a conversation, even if it’s about a topic irrelevant to the situation: Aries, Virgo, Libra, Aquarius, Pisces

Thinks about their life or finds something to do: Sagittarius, Scorpio, Capricorn

Dinner party

ARIES is mingling with the ones who seem cool and showing off their new outfit or haircut. The only beverage they consume is a half filled drink because they don’t want to stain that new outfit. By the end of the party, they have already had four arguments/outbursts because someone said something rude or gave them the wrong look and also did something nuts to get talked about.

COME WITH: Themselves, what else do they need?
LEAVE WITH: The one they wanted and a bruise/scratch

TAURUS only talks to a few people  with an alcoholic beverage in hand (they bought their own bottle) and three plates full of food, looking around occasionally at everyone else when the conversation suddenly stops.

COME WITH: Partner of 5 years, husband or wife, or more and the bottle
LEAVE WITH: The partner

GEMINI converses with everyone they see for a good five minutes (or one) and then looks around for more action. They eat but only small bites, setting the plate down a lot to mingle some more. They are shifting in conversations, constantly moving, sometimes taking the time to flirt.

COME WITH: No one
LEAVE WITH: Whoever was the most impressed with their ways

CANCER gives everyone a chance but will have the same person by their side the whole time, making sure to follow them or at least keep them in sight. They will have one plate and eat with who ever is not sketchy. They’ll be seen smiling and laughing a lot but will complain to the one they came with about someone or something on the car ride home.

COME WITH: A close life time friend and dish they made themselves
LEAVE WITH: The friend and a temper

LEO takes the lead of the party by being unacceptably loud or patronizing. Most don’t mind and find them to be surprisingly fascinating. They barely think of food because they’re too busy getting attention. They’re making everyone laugh by being their usual self.

COME WITH: A confident attitude and shiny hair
LEAVE WITH: Anyone they want

VIRGO is at a small filled table talking about themselves and how they have worked so hard the past month. In between their sentences they don’t mind bringing up what others could of cooked or worn better. They also don’t mind talking about their relationships that are not doing so well. Will listen to the others but only for a short time.

COME WITH: No one
LEAVE WITH: No one and disgust or annoyance

LIBRA is sure to charm the pants off of a few people, having their way with them. Before that happens, they are flirting just for fun with others and then head for the dessert that looks so irresistible. Might stir up the dynamic of the situation by gossiping or making others feel insecure.

COME WITH: Their beautiful selves
LEAVE WITH: The most attractive one they met

SCORPIO doesn’t have to do much and at least two people will come to them because they look as though they have a secret that needs to be unleashed or look like they know what they’re doing. If they hadn’t bought someone with them, they would stand around and stick to one person or a small group as leverage until someone else comes to them. They eat a good amount of food to blend in.

COME WITH: A partner or good friend
LEAVE WITH: Who they bought, they can’t lose them

SAGITTARIUS doesn’t care who they end up with, they just talk to anyone for a good time and will be the one to forwardly state their opinions, tell out of the wall stories, and not give it a second thought. One outbreak will occur because of what someone said or did to them.  They eat as much as they want and enjoy every bite.

COME WITH: Their spunky attitude
LEAVE WITH: Their spunky attitude

CAPRICORN mingles with ones they see as intelligent or giving. They try the food to see if it’s to their liking and if it’s beneficial, they grab one more plate, drinking an alcoholic beverage while discussing buisness and politics with anyone who is interested.
COME WITH: No one
LEAVE WITH: No one and a job offer

AQUARIUS is keeping a low but noticeable profile, grabbing whatever they want at the buffet table. They talk to anyone who gives them attention first or whenever the time is right and won’t stop talking until the other person leaves. They stay for a good hour, grab dessert to go, and leave with quite a few numbers.

COME WITH: Their never ending thoughts and desire to express them
LEAVE WITH: No one but that dessert and those numbers

PISCES keeps to themselves but have a close friend with them. They just go along with what everyone is doing to avoid any friction. They stick around for a while having a couple plates of food with the close friend and mixing in the crowd.

COME WITH: The close friend
LEAVE WITH: The close friend

Los signos en una boda:

Aries: Le está sacando fuego a la pista de baile con Leo.

Tauro: Al lado de los bocaditos con Capri y Acuario.

Géminis: Apuesta con Virgo cuánto demora la pareja en divorciarse.

Cáncer: Se emociona y comienza a planear la suya.

Leo: Deja de bailar con Aries y se retoca el vestido para seguir deslumbrando a todos.

Virgo: Mira a todas las damas de honor y escoge a la que se ligará esa noche.

Libra: Le saca fotos a todo mundo.

Escorpio: Saca a bailar a Capri, sabe que lo detesta y eso lo hace feliz.

Sagitario: Se esconde con Aries detrás de unos arbustos para asustar a Tauro.

Capricornio: Con unos tragos demás, se enamora de los pasos de baile de Escorpio.

Acuario: Tiene una discusión profunda con Piscis acerca del significado del amor.

Piscis: Escucha atentamente a Acuario hasta que Libra los sorprende con un flash salvaje.

- Nani.

So, I saw Sausage Party today.

And I have to say…

You’re all a bunch of stupid pieces of shit.

“Wah, this movie has racial stereotypes! Dat’s not allowed!”

“Wah, this lesbian mexican taco is a taco, and taco means lesbian in my head! U can’t call a lesbian a taco! Dat’s not allowed!”

“Hurr durr dis cringey fedora neckbeard atheist made fun of religion, dat’s a fink to mock and laugh at. Duhuhuhuh! He doesn’t know! Dat’s not allowed!”

“This movie mocks the Jews VS Muslims war thingy and suggests they live in the same place instead of fighting, AND mocks their 72 virgin heaven! Dat’s not allowed!”

“This movie contains nazi jokes! Dat’s not allowed!”

“Dis movie has a bottle of firewater and it’s native american! U CAN’T HAVE NATIVE AMERICAN PEOPLE ACT STEREOTYPICALLY! REEEEEEEEEEEE! Also, dat’s not allowed!

"Wah, this movie contains an orgy sequence between food! I’m not emotionally prepared for sex! But food getting chopped up and murdered onscreen is a-ok, I won’t spend more than a sentence or two talking about that unless I’m wanking over how much I dislike violence. Anyway, wah! Food has sex! Dat’s not allowed!”

This movie is satire that mocks religion and how it keeps cultures separate. This movie is satire that mocks religion for what it is, a lie to keep people stupid. This movie doesn’t do things cleverly because it knows the average person isn’t intelligent to understand anything smarter than “Oh hey dat’s a reference to a comic the wiki can explain for me!”.

When Blazing Saddles came out, the scene with farting cowboys was considered shocking. People mocked them for being edgy. Bitches said “Yes, you can make whatever story you want, but I don’t like fart jokes, so it’s a bad film and you should change it! Fart jokes? Dat’s not allowed!”

Despite believing you’re a Precious Smoll Babs™ or Enlightened Egalitarian or whatever stupid label you wrote up and slapped onto your forehead, you are not progressive or norm critical or intelligent, you are on the moral level of scared old women crying because a scene with farting cowboys triggered them. You don’t realize how pathetic you look, and that just makes you look worse. And no, posting “Lol im trash im a potato” doesn’t count, you idiot.

Have you ever heard the old saying, “When a wise man points, a fool looks at the finger”? That’s you. You’re the fool, staring intently at the finger and crying about how unclean it is.

Seth Rogen managed to take a premise that sounded retarded, and he made it into a film about how we should throw religion into the trash where it belongs, love one another, fight back against the “Gods”. Instead of the ham-handed anti-religion stuff you’d expect from the genre, he showed the effects of religion, how even the most clear messages of peace are distorted into “Our race is better than yours, our religion said so” by religion’s infectious stupidity, how the divide between those that find new evidence that disproves their beliefs and recoil like bitches and dig their heels in like mules and those that want to know more can tear relationships apart… Hell, it even threw in a nice little “Simply disproving your beliefs with evidence you don’t want to accept is TOTALLY the mean option, you have to sugarcoat harsh truths so they can be swallowed by even mental toddlers” bonus for you, whether you noticed in your triggered little pseudo-panic attack bitch-seizure or not.

Also, check out the ending. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and sex, throwing away racism and homophobia. You’d think SJWs would love an ending like that, but you’d only think that if you somehow hadn’t yet noticed that SJWs only say they want X or Y, what they actually want is power, validation, something to blame their failings on, and the rush of feeling offended. If that sounds crazy to you, congrats. Now look up the facts BEFORE responding, so you don’t embarass yourself.

To everyone that once filled this site with whiny, impotent, virtue-signalling and utterly pathetic bitching: Congratulations on being too fucking stupid to properly understand a SETH ROGEN STONER COMEDY ABOUT TALKING FUCKING FOOD.

>Inb4 some dumb fuck, in their desperate desire to avoid digesting what I wrote, laughs it off with something along the lines of “Hurr durr this pony ask blog is serving up truth lol what even is 2016”.
>Inb4 some incurably-divorced-from-reality SJW goes “But da movie has racial stereotypes in it! Dat’s not allowed!”.

youtube

FINALLY

Los signos como canciones de Melanie Martinez.

Aries - Pacify Her:

  • ”Someone told me stay away from things that aren’t yours. But was he yours. if he wanted me so bad?”.

Traducción:

  • “Alguien me dijo, “mantente alejada de las cosas que no son tuyas” ¿pero era el tuyo? si me deseaba tanto a mi”. 

Tauro - Sippy Cup:

  • “If they say to kill yourself, then you will try it”.

Traducción:

  • “Si dicen que te mates, entonces vas a intentarlo”.

Géminis - Training Wheels:

  • “Love everything you do when you call me fucking dumb for the stupid shit i do”.

Traducción:

  • “Amo todo lo que haces, cuando me llamas maldita tonta por todas las estupideces que hago”.

Cancer - Cry Baby:

  • “You seem to replace your brain with your heart”.

Traducción:

  • “Pareces reemplazar tu cerebro con tu corazón”.

Leo - Alphabet Boy:

  • “You think you’re smarter that me with all your bad poetry”.

Traducción:

  • “Te crees mas inteligente que yo con toda tu mala poesía”.

Virgo - Soap:

  • “God, i wish i never spoke”.

Traducción:

  • “Dios, desearía nunca haber hablado”.

Libra - Mrs. Potato Head:

  • “Is it true that pain is beauty?”.

Traducción:

  • “¿Es cierto que el dolor es belleza?”.

Escorpio - Carousel:

  • “Will i catch up to love? I could never tell”.

Traducción:

  • “¿Podre enamorarme? Nunca lo sabre”.

Sagitario - Mad Hatter:

  • “So what if I’m crazy? The best people are”.

Traducción:

  • “¿Y que si estoy loco/a? Las mejores personas lo están”.

Capricornio - Pity Party:

  • “I’m laughing, I’m crying and it feels like I’m dying”.

Traducción:

  • “Estoy riendo, estoy llorando, se siente como si estuviera muriendo”.

Acuario - Milk And Cookies:

  • “I’m fucking crazy, need my prescription filled”.

Traducción:

  • “Estoy jodidamente loca/o, necesito mi receta medica”.

Piscis - Dollhouse:

  • “I see things that nobody else sees”.

Traducción:

  • “Veo cosas que nadie mas ve”.
Get-Together Party
  • Aries: Spends the evening by close friends, until realizing how much excess alcohol Cancer brought. Starts stepping out of their original social circle with liquid courage!
  • Taurus: Picked up Aquarius and Pisces along the way to try to make sure everyone made it to the party, ended up incredibly late because Taurus did not want to stop for directions. Party is almost over.
  • Gemini: Showed up early to help Virgo prepare, bet Virgo that Taurus wouldn't show up on time.
  • Cancer: Showed up right on time with excess alcohol and snacks, happy to share with anyone. Bet that Taurus wouldn't make it at all.
  • Leo: Just barely made it in time, stays late to help clean up because they feel guilty about almost being late. Eager to join in any conversation or games.
  • Virgo: Set up the party on a whim, invited everyone and started making bets that Taurus will show up, but just as everyone's leaving. Happy to see everyone.
  • Libra: Ten minutes late. Finds a comfortable area and spends the majority of the night staying still. Willing to participate in games, provided plenty of movement isn't necessary.
  • Scorpio: One of the last to arrive. Brings little to no alcohol, but is willing to share it with anyone who expresses any interest in conversation. Rants on positively about conspiracy theories, cars, and drugs to whoever is listening. Smiles nonstop.
  • Sagittarius: Shows up twenty minutes late with a cup of coffee. Pretends to listen to everyone, but is really thinking about what they last read. Laughs at everyone's jokes, but only hears the punchline not the set-up.
  • Capricorn: Arrives on time, comes up with counter arguments against Scorpios rants despite feeling the same way. Spends a lot of time around the chips and dips. Bet that Taurus wouldn't arrive at all.
  • Aquarius: Almost misses the whole party because Taurus was the driver and lost the way. Aquarius secretly knew the directions the whole time, but really didn't want to go to the party in the first place and was enjoying the playlist in the car.
  • Pisces: Showed up last minute to the party because Taurus was the driver and lost the way, Pisces was very stressed out the whole drive and decided to take a ride with someone else home. Enjoyed the drive, nonetheless.