can't-let-go-of-the-past

in the Hawke Estate Club, past the haze of cigar smoke and expensive perfume, there is a back room.

and if the redheaded doorman lets you in, you might have an audience with the three most powerful criminals in town

If you can be friends with your ex either you never loved them or you always will.
So many people disagree with this but think about it…. take a few…
If you’re talking to your ex you’re either flirting or reminiscin trying to convince yourself you don’t really miss em.
But then they do something that reminds you why you liked them to begin with…
They’ll smile at you as if only you exist and tell you how happy they are to have this friendship.
You get used to their company to them being your “friend” only to one day wake up alone, with the world on your shoulders and nobody’s hand to hold
You have to be strong and you have to remind yourself you shouldn’t be surprised,
Exs are not friends
They’re just disappointment in disguise.
—  #RafelinaMichelle (Exs are Not friends)
Rafelinamichelle.com
I remember the way you use to look at me. How your eyes smiled with every ounce of energy they had left. I remember how we would talk for hours about everything and yet, nothing at all. I remember the first time you told me you loved me. It was a secret that you couldn’t hide from me. I remember when I first fell in love with you. I was so ready to let go of my past, embracing this new future we were to take on together. It was magic. I remember how you knew me better than I knew myself and that was my favorite and greatest weakness. I remember the day that you left. How easily I crumbled knowing you were gone. I remember when you told me about her. That all you wanted was to be loved and to love in return. I remember the day I fell apart. The day that I slipped from reality to try and escape the never ending pain and agony that haunted me. But the problem, is that I remember, everything. Memories of a fairytale that use to be so true torture me everyday and I just wish that I could forget. I just want to forget what you did to me. We were a beautiful disaster
—  Late night thoughts
What’s going on in Brazil? #06 The Impeachment & Michel Temer

Time to explain all that’s been happening here again. If you have no idea at all of what i’m talking about with impeachment or no idea about how parties work in Brazil, maybe check out what I wrote in March and April about this, and if you want more sources I strongly recommend The Intercept articles on Brazil.

Written at 03/09/2016

So let’s start with the obvious: The Impeachment process against now former President Dilma Rousseff has passed and vice president Michel Temer took office this week. Point is, many Brazilians and former President considered this a coup and i’m gonna explain why and then lay out all the shit the new President has in mind and what’s been happening here.

1. Why are you calling the Impeachment a Coup?

Because by Brazilian Law you can only impeach a President if they committed a crime and most jurists in the country can’t reach a consensus if what she did was a crime or not. Furthermore, many Presidents and Governors have also used it and never been brought to trial. Some Senators who voted for her Impeachment left the court only to give interviews saying that there wasn’t a crime, but they voted yes because she just couldn’t govern anymore. But i’m gonna say it again: you can’t impeach a president because you don’t like her, by law you have to have a crime. (If you’re wondering how the hell then did this pass I’d recommend you read the things I pointed out at the start). And, most important of all, you can’t completely change the government plans and the people who control a country without elections, like now-president Temer did, but i’m gonna get to that in a bit.

2. Why did people dislike Rousseff?

I’m not gonna enter the discussion that a) she’s a woman b) she’s from a left wing party here cause it’d take forever, but keep it in mind as well as the fact that her economic policies weren’t working that well and she had made many mistakes. However, the economic crisis that took our country was made worse by a congress that refused to vote nearly all of her propositions of change this year, a congress controlled by a man who really wanted this woman impeached (a man from the same party as our New President, by the way). Go read this article if you want a detailed vision. But for me, the most important things to point out about her government here is that she challenged two of the country’s most powerful institutions: the media, by talking about creating regulations for it (which we really need, since 99% of Brazilian’s papers, tv channels and radio stations are in the hands of half a dozen people) and the ultra rich, by talking about bringing money from offshore accounts back to the country. Basically, you can say she pissed off the wrong people, and not even one hell of a speech and 13 hours defending herself (which she didn’t have to do it person) from accusations on the senate could’ve changed what Brazil’s most powerful people want. 

3. Ok, but what’s wrong with Temer?

I guess this might be confusing for foreigners because usually Impeachment processes would keep the vice president and so the same plans elected and all, but this is NOT the case in Brazil. Temer is from a different center party than Rousseff and upon reaching power allied himself to former-president’s right wing opposition, who had been defeated in the elections. So now the most powerful people in this country are from the party that lost the election (in fact, many of the last elections) and the plan being implemented is their neoliberal agenda (contrary to previous elected left wing agenda). 

4. What has Temer done already?

Since Dilma Rousseff had been away from office for a few months for her trial now he has had quite some time to show what his now-permanent government is gonna be about. 

His first step back in April was nominating his new cabinet leaders and all, which made some noise because, well, they were all white males (differently from last administrations cabinets who were, you know, more representative of Brazilian population, with women and poc). If that wasn’t enough for you, consider that out of the 24 originally nominated, 11 had problems with justice and 3 have already been taken out of office because of scandals in the past six months. One of them notoriously caused a scandal for being caught on tape saying that they needed to stop a corruption investigation and the way to do it would be taking Rousseff out the presidency and putting up Temer (and that the media and the military had been contacted and would support it) (not a coup at all, huh?). 

His second step was cutting away anything deemed unnecessary. Which, of course, wasn’t their already very big salaries (in fact, they got another raise this week), but the cabinets of Culture and Women Rights, Racial Equality, Human Rights and Youth, plus some others, whose responsibilities were basically thrown under other cabinet’s administrations. People hit the streets and the Culture cabinet came back later on, but not the others. 

5. What are Temer’s new government plans? What happened this week?

So now that he really is the President he’s been more clear on his actions and propositions. Keep in mind that the goal is to “get out of the crisis”. 

a) His first big deal is trying to “make more flexible” workers rights, and you take that as you want, besides changing social security rules and rules for getting other kinds of governamental aid. 

b) “Privatize everything possible” are his own words. You can infer by that our oil, any remaining minerals, and probably prisons and public health system, among other currently government owned things. Likely to add public universities to that list soon, since they’ve already had their funds cut. 

c) Rousseff had been trying to pass an emergency anti-corruption program, Temer has “taken the urgency out of it”. 

d) Remember the crime Rousseff was convicted-but-not-really of that led to her impeachment? Yeah, that’s not a crime anymore. From this week forth. They made a change so nobody else (like Temer) can be judged on that. After she was judged, of course. I know, you’re probably screaming at your computer now. I am too. 

6. How are people reacting?

There have been lots of protests in many cities, but they’ve scarcely been covered by our tv channels (guess why), and they have been harshly repressed by the police. When I say harshly repressed I mean a girl lost an eye a few days ago at one and they are using gas bombs and rubber bullets and going full violence on the mostly young protesters (this page has been posting videos and pictures of the protests, if you wanna see for yourself). Temer has authorized the army to be on Paulista Avenue this weekend, notoriously a place were protest happen. While the situation on the streets escalates, media passes protestes as dangerous and full of “vandals”. 

This doesn’t cover everything. The situation isn’t pretty. Tension is high. Whatever happened this week wasn’t democracy, and i’m afraid whatever comes out of it isn’t gonna be democracy either. Keep your eyes open for Brazil. 

“Forse dovrei lasciarti andare..”
No. Non voglio..
Non sono pronta per lasciarti,mi ero affezionata.
Magari ti ho già persa.
Magari sei ancora qui.
Mi fa male doverti perdere.
Ma fa’ più male sapere che tu preferiresti andare.
—  Past-pics

I said this to @adifferentkindofson the other day but all of this baby stuff makes me think of someone trying so hard to fix something they fucked up a long time ago. Imagine you’re baking a cake and you realize once you’ve already put it into the oven that shit, you’ve forgotten the flour. Instead of just realizing that what’s done is done and you can’t fix it, you take out the “cake” and add flour to the baking mess, hoping against hope that this will help you and that you’ll have the cake you intended to have in the first place. Except of course it doesn’t work because you’ve already missed a crucial step and no amount of flour or anything else can fix what you’ve done. 

That’s what they’re doing with this baby mess. They’re trying so hard to make it look convincing now when they should have put actual effort into it months ago. It’s too late now. It doesn’t matter what they do, we’re not going to forget all of the shadiness of 2015 just because a few more things have been thrown at us. That’s not how any of this works. You either get it right the first time or you fail.

4

The first official Forest of the Dead Friday post for tardis-ten

We were such a small moment in time you and I; Like a freeze-frame in a life sequence or a snapshot of a perfect happy moment frozen within a painting. And when all you have is that painting… that single unchanging image of the past, you look at it over and over again imposing different things on it every time.
For me – that painting was everything. It was as if being with you was the whole reason for my existence… like loving you was the one thing I was always meant to do. It was my one single perfect creation… the one thing I ever did right. And I’m so obsessed with it I keep repainting it, over and over again – every day. Just that same picture of you and me in the past, over and over just with different emotional filters imposing different meanings on it each time depending on how I’m feeling.
When I’m happy I feel like it all meant something. I’m grateful for the experience and I wish you nothing but happiness… When I’m sad I feel like I’m being punished for something I did wrong… like I wasn’t good enough and I just want to go back and set things right… When I’m angry I feel like it was all a lie and you never cared about me at all. I feel like I was used and abused and then thrown away like a toy you didn’t want anymore.
But – like it or not – we are in the past now… So it is always the same unchanging picture… it’s just the way I’m looking at it at the time that changes how I see it…
And though I tell myself to move on… to paint another picture without you in it like you are undoubtedly doing with me… I can’t help but wonder how often you look back at what we used to be… and just what light you see it in…….
—  Ranata Suzuki | A Picture Of The Past
3

Forgiveness has been a big theme in Carver era for a while, both in terms of letting go of revenge and forgiving oneself for past wrongdoings. Clive forgave Charlie before she had to kill him to stop the Wizard (Clive’s id/dark side) from doing more harm, and also so that she could retrieve his key to Oz and put her own darkness back inside her. He sacrificed himself for the greater good, and Charlie accepted his forgiveness.

The man Charlie’s dark side killed was a far more complicated situation. Although she did kill him after saying those words, I do feel that if that had been Charlie in her entirety standing in front of the man who killed her parents while driving drunk, she would have been able to walk away truly meaning it. The ache of losing her mom and dad will never really go away, but now that Charlie’s whole again and her darkness seems to have settled, she is perhaps going to live with actual forgiveness for this man in her heart.

But while Charlie can forgive and learn to forgive herself, Dean is completely unable to do the latter. This is Dean “I’m 90% crap” Winchester and he has lived with the weight of the world on his shoulders his entire life. I could stay here all night listing the things he likely feels guilty for… John selling his soul to bring him back, torturing in hell, breaking the first seal in hell, allowing Gadreel to possess Sam, an action that lead to Kevin’s death… he’s never dealt with any of this, not really. As he told Cas in 10x09, he doesn’t let anything go.

He can’t forgive himself because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of forgiveness nor does he believe himself to be worthy of saving. If self worth were currency, Dean Winchester would be in debt up to his ears. But you know, there was someone else who did a lot of awful things. Someone who also has the mark and who has learned to control it and stop the killing…

Cain also spoke of forgiveness, but Colette forgiving him would have meant nothing if he didn’t truly believe he was worthy of it. If he didn’t also forgive himself. We have very little backstory on Cain and Colette, all we know is that he met her sometime in the 19th century and fell in love, but he never would have been capable of falling in love with her if he didn’t have inherent goodness inside him already.

Colette’s love and forgiveness alone did not save Cain. They were, however, catalysts for Cain learning to forgive himself, and for learning that just because he has been bad in the past does not mean that is all he is or all he ever will be. Dean already has a very good head start. He has a brother who loves him, he has his Colette angel who loves him and is clearly willing to give up anything to help him. He has their love and their forgiveness for everything already, now he just has to believe he is worthy of it.

The river ends at the source, and the source for Dean’s darkness, for his belief that he is unworthy of love and happiness and forgiveness, is something only he can access. He may believe the key to unlocking his own soul is broken, much like the key Charlie brought back from Oz, but Charlie found another way, she found another key, and in the end Dean will as well…

I know its 2014, but I just have trouble letting go of the past.

It’s just…we can’t stop.

(I will clean this up some more some day. I promise.)