can't handle anymore

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[ENG SUB] Lee Soo Hyuk’s Lucky Romance Poster Filming BTS

My Inner Thoughts.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by everything. So I hole myself up in my room and play music. I have to have something playing, because the moment it’s silent, is the moment I die. Even that little second of silence while one song ends and another begins, I beat myself up with everything that goes on in my head.

Sometimes I just want someone who loves me to cuddle with me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Because it’s gotten to the point where I can no longer fool myself. I can no longer rationalize and analyze my situation to something I can work with to comprehend.

I’m unwinding and my tight knots are coming undone. I keep trying to tighten them, but it’s as if my hands are slipping. And I realize it’s my tears that have made my hands slippery. No matter how much I try to dry my hands and my eyes; it’s like a dam has finally broken.

But I also know it’s only a stream. The dam hasn’t even been dented in, I can’t let that happen. I don’t know what would happen if it did, but I fear the worst. 

I'll finish this in the morning.

oh btw! rehearsal tonight with George. the gig tomorrow’s postponed; I can go to the Gillies!!! I’m so, incredibly excited. I feel like I didn’t suck so bad tonight; I was able to sing and play without too many complications. And George felt really bad about postponing, so he brought muffins and beer to rehearsal xD

Don’t feel like I’m on the verge of being fired anymore. It’s a nice feeling. And the tour this summer goes through New Mexico, Texas and New Orleans, too, not just Michigan!!! Also looking to get a once-a-week gig with that band at Pascal (my jazz professor’s) club, maybe on swing-dancing nights? We’ll see, but I know that’s where George wants to take it. I can dig it, haha; more fodder for Pascal if he still wants to write me a letter of rec for Berklee. And George’s publicity manager wants to book a tour through Ireland…?

 Just a month ago I had an embarrassing gig calendar, and the most I could get was 15 bucks at Cafe Revolution, or maybe even an actual paying gig. Wh…what happened??