For @queen-mabs-revenge. Here’s some unbeta’d crack based on an earlier reblog:
Really, Archie should have been prepared. Decades of living in this town ought to have warned him that this would have happened sooner or later. But, as it stood, he considered himself an optimistic, seeing the best in people no matter how villainous they once were or how annoyingly the acted currently. So when the bride and groom-to-be arrived at his office looking haggard and somewhat overwhelmed, he really should have known.
“We really don’t mean to bother you,” she began.
“It’s just that we have no one to turn to,” he continued.
“And I am three more arguments away from casting a Dark Curse to get away from it all.”
“Which means she’ll be crushing my heart, and I’m two more arguments away from ripping it out myself and handing it to her.”
“In short, this our darkest hour, Archie, and you’re our only hope.”
Leave it to Leia Swan-Jones to make a Star Wars reference.
This was how Archie ended up conducting the strangest pre-marital counseling session of his very long life. The bride and groom were fine. Storybrooke’s own versions of Romeo and Juliet were quite happy together, and Archie was quite excited to see how their marriage unfolded. As the officiant of their wedding, they had his full support.
This issue was with their fathers.
“Dad, it’s been like six hundred years. Someone dying is a very sad thing, I get that, but you’ve since married and had me. Me, whose wedding is being ruined because of your need for revenge, revenge, revenge!”
“All I’m saying, Father, is that if someone murdered Mother in front of you, you would want to skin them alive as well. Some sympathy might not necessarily be a bad thing.”
Gideon and Leia sat in the middle of the sofa, hands entwined, glaring at their respective fathers, both of which looked very unhappy to be in his office. Gideon gestured toward Archie. “We’ve asked Dr. Hopper here to help you two sort out your feelings.”
“And if you don’t, you’re uninvited to the wedding. Mom and Belle already gave their full blessings there, and Grandpa and Regina said they’d ensure that you couldn’t get in.”
Archie had never seen the Rumpelstiltskin or Captain Hook look so dumbfounded.
“Now, Sweetheart—“ “Son, think about what you’re saying.”
The children, now very much adults rose for their seated positions. They took one significant look at one another, and then turned to address their fathers.
“Leia and I love each other. We’re getting married.”
“And that means we’re all going to be one big happy family now. Emphasis on happy.”
“And we know there’s a lot of bad blood there – some deserved, some undeserved.”
“But what we really want is for you two to bury the hatchet for good. Seriously, buried, thrown into the harbor, or sent to the Underworld gone for good.”
“So, talk with Dr. Hopper, please?”
If there was one thing Mr. Gold and Killian Jones could agree upon, it was their love for their children. So they agreed to talk to Archie, until –
“Where are you two going?” “You can’t leave us here.”
“Uh, we can, and we’re going to a cake tasting.”
“Thanks, Archie! Bye!”
Which left him alone with two mortal enemies. Archie could do this. He had faith in his abilities to counsel anyone, even the two.
He retired one week later.