can i hold that for you sir

100 Prompts That Will Make You Cry: Part 1

Unfortunately, my amigos, we managed to come up with 100 prompts. Here’s part 1:

  1. You’re a ghost haunting your own funeral. You see that nobody showed up.
  2. What are these strangers doing in your house? You’re confused and angry, it’s been a week and it seems like they’re not leaving, they’re not even paying attention to you. You’re the ghost haunting your house without knowing it.
  3. A single man and dog run the Iditarod only to show up with the medicine for his daughter too late. This is his story.
  4. You fight for a noble cause. You complete all the necessary steps. You reach the top of the world doing good deeds to improve peoples lives. It’s your first day of retirement and you watch your hard work comes undone before your eyes.
  5. “You can’t understand how it is to feel this worthless. I just want it all to go away! I want it all to STOP!”
  6. Despite everything they did, everything they went through. It was made clear that their attempts were pointless, as they were too late to save them.
  7. The only thing left for you to do was to leave forever
  8. You didn’t visit your parent figure in hospital the day before they passed away because you wanted to finish your homework. Less than 24 hours later, you get a message from your sibling. “They passed away this morning.”
  9. No matter how hard you try, they just laugh at you. You are a joke, a game, you don’t matter. You’ve had enough.
  10. “Robert, you can’t just leave! There are fifty kids waiting for you! You promised you’d get us out alive. You told them so!” “No, darling, I promised I’d get us out alive. Us, being me and my 500 grand. Thanks for your help, by the way. Sorry about the boiled alive thing. Chao!”
  11. Why did you leave me? It’s been 15 years. Why did you leave? I can’t just accept the fact that you showed up on my doorstep expecting an apology. I have a family now. And I can’t let you pull me into your problems.
  12. Your school, company, or organisation has required you to go to therapy for a potentially traumatic incident. This is the session when you decide to tell the story of becoming estranged from your last living relative.
  13. You can only watch the live news helplessly as, thousands of miles away, an tsunami happens in the country your best friend happens to be visiting
  14. “My head is full of you but my arms are empty.”
  15. Best Friends Forever", we used to say. But now we aren’t even talking anymore. When I see them anywhere, another person is by their side, a new best friend. And I, I am all alone.
  16. Person A shares something that no one knew about them and it is very personal and then they get outcasted by their family and person B is the only one to support them as they cry.
  17. The fire was pretty, swirling in shades of blue and green and purple, if you could ignore the fact it was destroying the planet.
  18. A crying child in the hospital bed looks to you for answers. She wants to know where her mommy is. You have no answer.
  19. “I cannot take it anymore, Sam. You don’t tell me anything, you’ve been disappearing for hours, you have phone calls you don’t want me to hear, and now you forgot our anniversary. I’m done being patient. I have packed my things, you can keep the car and the house. Goodbye.” A small box fell out of his fingers, and a ring with a diamond shining merrily on the band rolled away, as the phone stopped playing out the voicemail.
  20. You unlock your phone, and, ignoring the shaking of your hand, answer the call. “Hey” you say, not even trying to compress the wound, too far gone as you already are, “no, i’m fine. I’ll be with you in a minute or two…”
  21. I knew it would be there, I saved for this special occasion. It was my deserved reward after a shitty day and it was gone. The cupcake was gone.
  22. it was finally summer, his favorite season. He sat up in his bed and told you all about what he did last year. He rode his bike everywhere, he played so many games with his friends, he swam in the town park pool… you were the doctor, and you had come in to bring his parents out of the room to talk to them about how the cancer had spread unexpectedly.
  23. You’ve just had an unpleasant lunch with your family and one of your siblings has just told you that you’ve been horrible the entire meal. What now?
  24. Your mom starts crying
  25. you walk down the street and you see a familiar face. Your heart starts beating faster and you speed up, because Gosh, you haven’t seen them in the longest time, but then as you are about to reach them and scream their name, you suddenly stop because remember that it can’t be them because you’re now on the other side of the world, and you left the person you love far away….
  26. It’s your grandfather’ funeral. The place is packed, he was loved by so many. Then, a small child puts a cup of coffee by his ashes.. (“Have this grandpa, it’s time to wake up”)
  27. The person you love has to be killed in order to save other people. Their death guarantees the others’ safety and it is the right thing to do, and they want to do it, but you have to kill them. So you do.
  28. you have the power to bring back the dead. You quickly realize that this comes with draw-backs since certain parts of them stay dead. someone close to you had an accident and this is the most difficult decision of your life.
  29. the smallest coffins are the heaviest.
  30. Her answer is to gently cup your face with trembling hands. Her smile is gentle and so, so sad. Her breathy whisper reaches your ears, “because love is watching someone die,” and shatters your world.
  31. It had always been her. From the first day you saw her, you knew that she was the one, the one you wanted to spend your entire life with. Day by day, that future became a little more solid, a little more opaque. Until you watched it shrivel, collapse and die when strangers pulled a frail, familiar body out of the wreck.
  32. you wake up to silence, except for the sound of quiet sobbing and a set of packed suitcases in the hall.
  33. “I’m going to… take a nap… just for a minute. I’ll be… right back.” He lies down just where he sat. “Could you… hold my hand?”, he asks of her. She moves carefully around the table, as not to disrupt the game that they will certainly continue. He rests his head on her knees. “Are you there?”, he asks. “Yes, I’m here.” He holds her hand tighter. “Are you there?”, he asks, slowly his voice getting quieter and weaker….
  34. You and your family were in a car crash. You think you’ve survived but in the hospital you found you’ve died and you watch your parents, your SO, your children and your friends mourn. You don’t leave earth. You remain there watching over your loved ones, but when they die, they don’t join you. You are by yourself forever.
  35. Driving home, you hit something. Getting out, you realize it’s your pet who went missing a few months ago
  36. Using the word ‘almost’ is the most melancholic way to describe an upsetting moment. She almost got there in time. He almost caught her. She almost told her. They almost made it.
  37. You realise animals no longer acknowledge your existence. They can’t seem to see or hear you. Your best friend is your dog.
  38. “I’ll never be perfect in my parents’ eyes no matter what I do.”
  39. When you were 7, you were kidnapped when for 15 years. At the age of 22, you are finally rescued. Write about your time held in captivity and what it was like when you were saved.
  40. Time and time again, the prompt guy refuses my Danny DeVito suggestions
  41. “You’re the worst teacher I ever had, but I don’t want you to leave, because you were also the best, in a way.”
  42. after always feeling like you were never wanted around, someone decided to tell you how you felt is exactly right. and now you have a fire in your heart you’ve decided to do something about it.
  43. He was supposed to protect me. Instead he became the one I needed protection from.
  44. “We’ll be finally be able to be together. Just one more year. Then we can finally be happy.” That was the last thing you said to your lover before going back off to war. Now you find yourself in an empty house, holding one last letter addressed to you and the memories of a lifetime of unfulfilled promises.
  45. I’m not sure which was worse: keeping it a secret for so many years, or the look on my mom’s face when I told her.
  46. you moved in a new town a few months ago. One of your friend tells you that he heard your best friend say “There’s no point staying in touch, we won’t see each other ever again.”
  47. “I’m sorry sir, but we’re all out of chicken nuggets.”
  48. You are a stray dog. Your master lost you 3 years ago. You go on an epic and heart-filled journey to find your master, not knowing that they are already dead.
  49. It was the first time your parents said the word proud in relation to you, but you could just feel that was nothing more than a backhanded compliment. It only made you feel terrible.
  50. After five years, they were finally back together. But time had torn them apart and as much as they tried, they were unable to love each other again.
  51. The dark and dreary realisation finally hit you: You’re the one in the coffin. This is your funeral. All these people are upset and crying over you.
  52. The war had been ravaging the country for years. You fought for your country, you shed your blood, you did your part. And yet a mistake is going to be your undoing. Write your last letter before your execution to a daughter you will never come back to.
  53. Your siblings played a game with you, it was called “Who can ignore you the most”. But it’s okay, you knew they love you, because there was still food on the table, and bedtime was still shared in the same room. It’s been years, you’re in the worst time of your life now, and you feel the need to reach out for help. You hope the game is over by now.
  54. You’ve been messaging someone online for years now, chatting with them about this and that every so often. They stopped logging on a month ago. You have no way of knowing if they’re okay, and can only watch and wait for a reply.
  55. You read a late familiar’s diary from decades ago. You knew nothing about them before this moment.Their insight in life is what you need to solve your problems, and your insight could have helped save their life.
  56. “I am so tired.” She whispered to him, inches away from jumping of that bridge.
  57. Every time your father leaves for work, you wonder if he’s going to die. You make sure to say “i love you” every day before he goes, but one day you forget…
  58. you’re the last member of your species, your culture, your language. Scientists are around you, waiting for every bit that you can share, for them to document. They don’t care about you. Although you’re surrounded by people, you’re alone.
  59. your idol, a vegetarian, was forcefully fed a hotdog
  60. Write about the small and big sacrifices mothers make for their children.
  61. You are trapped in a “coma” can hear everything around you, including friends and family coming to say goodbye before your life-support is taken away due to lack of insurance. They can’t prove you aren’t brain dead. You can’t say goodbye back.
  62. “The monsters won’t come and hurt me will they daddy?” “As long as I’m around,” he said, giving you a goodnight kiss. “No one will ever hurt you.” “You’ll come home right? Promise?” “I Promise.” But he failed to keep his promise. He never came home and the monsters got you after all.
  63. Tell the story of someone who goes about daily life, well, tries to anyway. It’s hard for them because they had severe depression. Tell of their struggles and trials. But also tell of their successes.
  64. For Sale: Baby Shoes. Never worn.
  65. you’re the last person in the world and you just lost hope for finding anyone else
  66. You went on a great quest with your friends. You slayed monsters together, fended off enemies, and overcame all challenges that came your way. However, your friends perished at the final boss. You’ve just defeated him, and the reality is sinking in.
  67. You are the new Death. The torch has been passed down to you for reasons you don’t know. It is now your job to take the lives of those whose time is up, old or young. Are you prepared to do it? And why were you chosen?
  68. You have become immortal through a game that destroyed your universe. You and and your friends recreated the universe. You remember, they do not. The big bad from the game haunts your dreams.
  69. You wake up and smell something burning. You think someone is making breakfast. You get up to see your house is on fire and you’re the only survivor.
  70. As the crowd around you cheers for your brother’s assassin, you hold him in your arms as you watch his life fade. He was the most hated man in the world, a brutal dictator, a tyrant worse than your father ever was. He was the very kind of man who you hated yourself. Yet you’re crying, looking down upon his smiling face as he watches the crowd and his killer in his final moments, because in the end this was what he promised you. He promised to make a world where no one would have to fight anymore, where there can be peace. And now that the most hated man is dead, there can be.
  71. After a long fulfilling life, you find yourself in the past, at the lowest point of your life. Your family is gone, your friends don’t know who you are, and you’re left with nothing. What do you do?
  72. there’s no pizza in the fridge
  73. You love children and plan to have some one day, until you find out at a doctors appointment that you are infertile…
  74. It’s the effort that counts but it’s the result that’s remembered. Write a story about someone who spent years devoted to their passion but their efforts remain unrecognised, unappreciated because they were ultimately unsuccessful, even after death.
  75. “…you never really loved me, did you.” and the silence said it all
  76. you are a dog going into the vet. You have no idea why your owner is crying. You have no idea that it’s your last visit.
  77. Your parents just told you that they’re getting a divorce.
  78. Your best friend/SO has wronged the gods and has 24 hours to live. You can trade your life for theirs by putting your essence by the mercy of the gods. What do you do?
  79. he spat angrily as he raised what remained of his son “I NEVER LOVED YOU”
  80. write a story where you build up to one character’s death. In the end, that character survives, but another character dies instead.
  81. You are a time traveler, but you never knew it. The only time you successfully did it was when you were a baby, and you’ve grown up a long time away from your original life. One day, you find a shrine… Dedicated to you, by your original family.
  82. You sat across from them at the table, and realized that you had both run out of things to say to each other.
  83. Write a story about an adventurous character who somehow survives all the trouble they get into. These are the memories of an old person, as they remember what they did, with a week of less left before their last breath.
  84. Everyone else had moved on further. You have missed your opportunity to move along with them, and you are the only one left behind in the gray lands. All because of your most annoying habit
  85. “But I rescued you from-” “You killed the dragon! You killed my best friend!”
  86. When you were little, you lost your parents in a house fire. Now, you’ve found out that you have the power to control fire, and are starting to suspect that the fire that killed your parents wasn’t a cooking accident after all..
  87. You spent the past 10 minutes walking back and forth from the lobby to the dance floor in search of them, worrying your ass off. They finally decide to come out and they curse at you for ruining their night.
  88. It was horrible, a pain unbearable to you, the feeling of your soulmate breaking down. The person you once loved, now shattered and scarred from trauma. The worst of part of it, you were helpless. All you could do was sit and watch, but you’d get your revenge. On Death himself.
  89. Your maths teacher gives you a school detention despite the fact that you are 110% innocent of everything you’ve been accused of.   You are forced to stare at a wall for half an hour in silence to think about ‘what you’ve done.’  What happens now?
  90. You confess to your parents about your depression and suicidal thoughts, but they just shrug it off as you being over dramatic. Months later and the sight of your parents still hurts you deep inside, because they never understood you.
  91. You’re in love with your coworker, who’s married and has two kids. He’s quitting job today. He tells you that he loves you.
  92. You’re in a room full of onions.
  93. You’re just about to start your period and you’ve been craving Chinese food all week. You finally get said Chinese food, get home, pull it out of the bag and drop it. You start scream-crying, and your family runs into the room to check on you. What happens next?
  94. Your daughter has been bullied ever since she’s started school due to the fact that you aren’t the richest of families in a pretty nice neighborhood. When she begs you to buy her a doll everybody likes, you know you won’t be able to afford it.
  95. You hide in your room and clutch a pillow, listening to the abusive language your family members through at each other. You hear your youngest sibling being physically abused again, and his screams echo throughout the house.
  96. “We found cancerous tissue. I’m sorry.” “What a way to start my first day of college.” (comment: this actually happened to me, I was diagnosed with cancer my first day of college)
  97. An old man is on his death bed, riddled with dementia.  Volunteering for the elderly with no family left, you visit, but he mistakes you for son or daughter.
  98. I looked in the mirror and realized who was staring back. It was someone I wasn’t content with.
  99. Write a story through the perspective of an abused cat on their 9th life.
  100. Tell a story about a person who never appears in photographs because they were always behind the camera, looking wistfully at everyone’s smiling faces. It is only after they’re long gone that someone finally notices. Old memories are brought up.
We run an emergency monster helpline

“666, what is your emergency?”

“A madman with a stake is chasing me! Please help!”

“I am sending demons, just hold on sir.”

“T-thank you.”

“You are welcome sir, they will be there in a few minutes. Turn into a bat if you can and hide somewhere dark.”

Prints

Summary: You and Sam leave your mark on the Impala.

Word Count: 2300

Warning: Smut, dom!Sam, dirty talk

A/N: Just something that happened. Enjoy! XOXO

“Is that a foot? Is there a footprint on the window?” Dean glares at the window through the rearview mirror, and you shift a little in the backseat to avoid his gaze.

It’s foggy and damp out, exactly the kind of weather that makes the windows fog up no matter what you do, and the three of you are piled in, ready for your next adventure.

Except there’s a footprint on Dean’s precious car.

And you know exactly where it came from.

Keep reading

the signs as Glass Animals lyrics

Aries

Somewhere in Southend when you were fun
You took my hand and you made me run
Up past the prison to the seafront
You climbed the cliff edge and took the plunge

Taurus

Leopards laze each on plush pillows
Slender capes of red and chrome
Paperback dreams in their deep doze
Twitch their toes to black mambo

Gemini

Play with me, my love, in the summer sun
I’ll be waiting in your favourite Cheshire grin
Lay with me, my dear, in the evening clear
I’ll be dreaming in my paper-pale skin

Cancer

You see the sad in everything
A genius of love and loneliness and
This time you overdid the liquor
This time you pulled the fucking trigger

Leo

“Wanna play cheat?” now says the sloth
A domino flush to his nose
Tickle that cheek and take your throne
Pump your veins with gushing gold

Virgo

Twee vole go dig your hole
Squish squirmies in your nose
Tree hairs in your eyes
You smile so super quiet

Libra

Steam rolled hair
Look into the glare and pop it, brother
Slick like 007, man
You fly like Kim Jong rockets

Scorpio

My, my simple sir, this ain’t gonna work
Mind my wicked words and tipsy topsy slurs
I can’t take this place, no I can’t take this place
I just wanna go where I can get some space

Sagittarius

Leftover breakfast cereal for lunch
She’s broken but she’s fun
My girl eats mayonnaise
From a jar while she’s getting blazed

Capricorn

This old goat with beard of grey
He turns his leather gripped cane
Those times you clapped and called for quiet
They’ve come to hold you, ain’t that nice?

Aquarius

Shanks of slate fall to the beach
Wrapped in life in ultra greens
Pools teem with tiny feet
And whorls of tired anemones

Pisces

Your head is so numb, that nervous breath you try to hide
Between the motions, that trembling tender little sigh
And so it goes, a choking rose back
To be reborn, I want to hold you like you’re mine

Dance With Me - Jeff Atkins Smut

Jeff Atkins x reader

Request: I wanted to ask for an imagine. So the reader and Jeff are a couple and they are at the prom and in a dance the things got a bit hot so they go to Tony’s car. And you are a really good friend with tony so when they finish tony knocked the window of the car telling her he has to take her home. Please i’d love you a lot if you write something with this 😍. Thanks anyway ☺️

Warnings: Smut, swearing


“Mom I’m about to leave! Tony is almost here” I pick up my gold clutch and start to head for the door.

“Wait! wait! wait!” I hear my mom running down the stairs and I try to hold in my giggles. She comes running down with her camera.

“Where is Jeff? is he still coming?”

“Yes mom, he’s walking over here now, which why I need to go”. She walks over to me and fix my curled hair and smooths out my dress.

“You look gorgeous hunny. I want to wait for him to come so I can pictures.”

“Moooom” I whine. Leave it to her to be totally embarrassing. She loves Jeff. We have been dating for over a year now and the minute she met him, she thought of him as her child. She practically begs him to come over and even cooks for him. As she’s in the middle of taking pictures of me, the doorbell rings.

“That’s my sweetie Jeffy!” my mom says as she jogs to the door. I shake my head at her sudden change in sweetness. She swings open the door and crushes him in a hug.

“Hi Ms.y/l/n. These are for you.” As I look over her shoulder, I see Jeff give my mother a bouquet of peony flowers. This is exactly why she loves him. I wouldn’t be surprised if she loves him more than me.

“Oh my goodness! how sweet, Thank you Jeffrey, I’m going to go put these in a vase.” As she speeds off I shake my head and laugh. I look back at him and see him holding another bouquet of flowers, but its stunning red roses. My favorite.

“And these” he says as he pecks my lip, “Are for you my lady”. I grab the flowers and can’t hold in my smile.

“Why thank you sir.” I say as I kiss him again. I put the flowers down on the table beside the stairs and look back at him, taking in his attire. He looked amazing, although I’m not surprised. He’s the only guy that I feel can pull off a white top tuxedo. I noticed that he’s doing the same to me, taking in my outfit.

“Wow” he says with his mouth parted. I look down thinking something is wrong with my dress.

“What?” I say looking down. “Nothing, you just look beautiful.” I smile again, pushing my hair behind my ear. Even after a year with Jeff, he never fails to still make me feel special. After about 10 minutes, my mom comes jogging back in with her camera. She was probably in a daze with her flowers. 

“Okay you too, pictures then you can leave.” We spend the next 5 minutes taking different pictures together and my mom even sheds a few tears. After a bit, I finally get a text from Tony.

Hey y/n/n I’m outside

“Okay mom, Tony is outside, we have to go” I say, looping my arm through Jeff’s.

“Okay, okay have fun you too. Not too much fun now.” Jeff glances at me from the corner of his eye and I blush.

“Of course mom, we know” I grab my bag again as we walk out the door and skip down the stairs to Tony’s car.

“Be safe love you! Hi Tony hunny!” My mom calls out. I scream a quick ‘love you too’ as me and Jeff get into his car.

“Hey y/m/n, I’ll get her home safe!” He gets into the car and turns on his loud indie music that he loves. Jeff got into the front seat while I sit in the back. Tony drives off as we all make small talk, laughing together like we always do.

“Is Ryan going to be there?” I ask over the music.

“Yeah, we are doing the music together and hopefully squeeze in a dance.”

“Nice man” Jeff says, “If you guys don’t dance, I’ll grab you guys by the hand and force you.” I laugh at my boyfriends comment. He loves meddling in other peoples love life. That’s probably why we are so good together, he genuinely loves happy relationships. 

“Let’s get ready to fuck the night up!” Tony screams.


As we all walk inside, the music is blasting and there are a bunch of people dancing and grinding against each other. With my hand in Jeff’s, we walk through the crowd, chatting with different people here and there. 

“Jeff! Y/n! Tony!” We look and see Jessica, Justin and Monty waving us over to the center of the dance floor. we waltz over to them and I laugh at how wasted Jessica is almost getting, dry humping against a very happy Justin.

“I’m glad you guys came!” she screams. We all talk and laugh over the music and just have a good time bumping and dumb dancing to every song. Tony taps our shoulders and talks over the music.

“Guys I’m going to go up there with Ryan to help my boy out. You dudes have fun!” 

“Ada boy Tony! Go have fun!” Jeff laughs. Tony playful rolls his eyes and disappears into the crowd. We all continue dancing and laughing at a now drunk Jessica. Jeff slides his hands on my waist and whispers in my ear.

“Do you want a drink babe?” 

“Yeah I’ll go with you.” He grabs my hand as we head over to the food table.

“Jeff man, there is vodka in the left punch!” Justin yells over the music. Jeff turns his head back to look at him, “Nah I’m fine, but thanks”.

We get to the table and Jeff pours us some punch from the right. He seems to be looking around the gym a lot looking for something, but I already knew it was someone.

“Babe, Clay is sitting on the bleachers over there” I point. He looks at the direction of my finger and smiles at me.

“What I would do without you, I’ll be right back baby”. He pecks my lips and walks over to sit next to Clay. They talk for a few minutes and I can’t help but smile. Jeff is such a sweet person, and I love him so much for it. I continue to drink my punch as I look around at the people dancing. Soon a slow song comes on and I see Clay walking towards Hannah, and Jeff smiling at me from the bleachers, heading my way. He grabs my hand and pulls me towards the dance floor. He puts his hands on my waist, while I wrap my arms around his neck, swaying slowly.

“Is your job done?” I smile at him, “Yup, for now. Now I can focus on my beautiful girlfriend.”

I lay my head his shoulder, closing my eyes as I smell in his cologne. As we continue to slow dance, Jeff’s slides his hands down to my butt. He lightly squeezes and I look up at him.

“Jeff babe, what are you doing?” I ask slowly, looking around so no one sees him grabbing my ass in public.

“Hmm?” he hums. He starts kissing my neck and pushing me closer to him. 

“Jeff” I whisper, “stop babe, before people see.” He ignores me and starting sucking my sweet spot, not caring that people would see my soon to form hickey. I bite my lip, wanting to tell him to stop, but can’t. He’s turning me on and he knows it. I open my eyes and see people occupied with their date, either dancing or sucking their face off. Still sucking another part of my neck, Jeff is now full on squeezing my ass, pulling me into him. He stops and go straight to my mouth kissing me softly. I put my hand to his face, lightly moaning into his mouth. I can tell Jeff is forgetting we are in public once his hand goes to the back of my dress, tugging on my zipper. I move his hands and break our kiss. 

“Jeff, we are still in school” I laugh, softly panting. As I look at him, his eyes are filled with love and more importantly, lust. He grabs my waist and leans his lips against my ear.

“Then lets not be” he says deeply. I look up at him and bite my lip, nodding my head. He smirks and grabs my hand walking towards Tony up in the music area. As we walk, I noticed how wet Jeff as gotten me already just from giving me a hickey and feel hot from him not caring that we are around a bunch of students and teachers. As we get to Tony, Jeff whispers something in his ear. Tony laughs shaking his head and then reach into his pocket grabbing his keys. He hands him his keys, saying something back, earning a laugh from Jeff. As we walk towards the exit I look back at Tony smiling at us. 

“What did Tony say to you?” I ask as we walk outside.

“He said don’t stain his seats” he laughs. I flush from the embarrassment that Tony knows what we are about to do. We walk to his car, feeling the thick tension in the air around us. We clearly both can’t wait to rip each other clothes off and it’s exciting me. When Jeff unlocks the back door, he doesn’t even waste time. He pulls us in and locks the door behind us, starting back to kissing my neck.

“Since I say you in this dress, I wanted nothing than to rip it off of you” he says in his husky voice. I moan at his words and climb on top of him. 

“Not this one” I say smirking, “You already ripped my other dress.” He bites his lip to hold in his laugh.

“I said I was sorry baby.”

“I am too.”

“About wha-” before he can finish, I grab his shirt and pop all his buttons, revealing his hard abs in front of me. His mouth drops open as he looks at his now ripped shirt.

“Babe!” he yells as I smile innocently and start sucking his neck. He leans his head back and grab my waist. I’m glad I chose to wear a thin pair of thongs, feeling him get hard under me. He unzips my dress and I wiggle out of it, getting up to take it fully off. I am now only left in just my thong, now feeling conscious that someone could see me. We are parked behind the school away from other cars and houses, but I’m still nervous. He looks up and down at my exposed body and I can’t help but love the way he was looking at me. 

“Fuck, your so sexy y/n”. I pull his ripped shirt and jacket off of him and go back to kissing. He wraps his arms around my torso as he deepens the kiss, kissing me hungrily. I palm his member through our body, making him moan as he bucks his hips into my hand, wanting to feel more. I unzip his pants and pull them down to his ankles. He breaks our kiss, and wraps his lips around one of my breast, making me lean my head back against the head rest of the drivers seat. I hump against his hard member, making me even more wet against our friction. I moan at our movement as Jeff moves my hips faster against him.

“Fuck, babe your killing me” he grunts. I smirk at him as I pull his member from his boxers and pump him with my hands. He throws his head back and starts breathing hard. He starts to buck himself into my hand, moaning my name.

“Fuck y/n, that feels good”. I go faster, looking at him almost come undone with my fingers. As I continue, Jeff pulls my underwear to the side, rubbing his finger against my clit. As I speed my hand on his dick, Jeff starts to rub harder against my core. I throw my head back again, grinding my hips onto his fingers.

“Fuck Jeff!” I moan, biting my lip. Both of us are a moaning mess as we pick up our pace. A wave of heat rush to my core and I stop pumping him once I feel him twitch in my hand. 

“Baby, I can’t wait anymore” He kisses me, as he grabs a condom from the arm rest of Tony’s car. I stop kissing him to start laughing.

“Why does Tony have those in his car” I laugh, “Cause he’s not dumb” Jeff laughs back. He slides on the condom and positions himself at my entrance, waiting for me to go from there. I grab his member from under me and pull my underwear to the side, slowly sliding onto him, moaning at the feeling.

“Fuck” I moan, as I sit on him fully. I slowly start to circle around him, to get use to the feeling. He groans against me and starts to bounce me up and down. I move his hand away, shaking my head.

“I got this babe, relax.” He puts his hand up to surrender and puts his hand to his side. I put my arm around his neck and start to slowly ride him, teasing him. 

“Baby, please” he breaths out, with his eyes closed. I pull closer into him and pick up my pace, bouncing hard against him. He moans louder as I start pounding on him. 

“Fuck baby! I need to touch you” He goes to my legs and lightly lifts them as he lowers himself in the seat. He roughly starts thrusting into me as I wrap my legs around him. I try not to scream so no one can here, but fuck he’s making it hard.

“Jeff! my god!” I loudly moan, my arms wrapped around his neck. He picks up his pace, his nails digging into my thighs. 

“Babe, I-I’m abo-” I feel Jeff twitch inside of me as his thrust got sloppier. I start to feel myself tighten and I moan louder.

“Yes! babe, I can’t!” I yell. Jeff pounds into me full speed as we both ride out our high. I slide off of him as he pulls back up his boxers. Still latched onto him, I see how all the windows in the car is fogged up. Both panting, I lay my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes.

“I love you baby” he says, rubbing my back.

“I love you too” I say sleepily.

It seems like we have been laying here for hours before we hear a knock on the window.

“Shit!” I cursed as I jump off of Jeff, pulling my dress back on, trying to zipper it back up while Jeff laughs at me. He throws on his shirt and jacket, waits till my dress is back on, then rubs the fogged up window, seeing the back of Tony. 

“Are you guys clothes on?” he asks, still not looking at us. Jeff rolls the window down laughing. 

“Yes you big baby” he laughs.

“Good, cause I promised y/m/n that I will have her home safe and if she’s split on half, that’s not saf-”

“Ew okay Tony just get in the car!” I yell, not wanting to be embarrassed anymore. He laughs and gets in the drivers side, getting the keys back from Jeff. As he starts the car, he starts to loudly sniff. 

“Do you guys mind opening the windows, it smells like sex in her-”

“Oh my gosh Tony!” I yell, covering my face flushing. Jeff finds this all so hilarious, laughing his ass off at all of this. For the rest of the ride, Tony keeps looking in his mirror at us, trying to hold in his laugh. 

“So did you guys have fun tonight?”

“Yeah, but my favorite part was the ride” he says looking at my red face.

“It was really good” he smirks.

“Jeff!” I yell.

Local Dad Orders a Burger at The Coffee Spoon

(Based on the video: Local dude orders a burger at Starbucks)

Mat: Can I help the next guest please?

Mat: Ah hello sir, welcome to the Coffee Spoon, what can I get for you?

Robert, heavily distorted: Yeah, can I get a motherfuggin’ uhhhhh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Craig and Joseph: *giggling in the background*

Robert, still going strong: hhhhhhhhhhhh, burger?

Craig, Joseph and Brian: *breaks down laughing*

Mat: Sir, we don’t sell burgers here.

Robert, distorted: What do you mean you don’t se- *cuts off*

MC, Craig, Joseph, Brian and Damien: *laughing in unison*

Mat: We sell, we sell paninis and breakfast sandwiches-

Brian: OH MY CARDIAC ARREST.

Mat: -and coffee.

Robert, distorted: You think I know what a panini is!? *white noise*

MC, Craig, Joseph, Brian and Damien: *wheezing in laughter*

Robert, distorted: Just give me a burger! Extra cheese! *more white noise*

Mat: No!

Craig, Joseph and Damien: *giggling now*

Mat: We don’t have burger extra cheese! We have paninis-

Robert, distorted: You don’t understand-

Mat: No!

Robert, distorted: I need this. *white noise*

Mat: Sir!

MC, Craig, Joseph, Brian and Damien: *still giggling*

Mat: I’m gonna have to ask you-

MC, Craig, Joseph, Brian and Damien: *giggling so hard it overpowers Mat*

*Hugo walks in*

Robert, distorted: Why are you suppressing food from the public!? *white noise*

Craig, Joseph, Brian and Damien: *still giggling so much that nothing can be heard*

Hugo: What in the hell did I walk in to?

Joseph: I’M CRYING-

Mat: Do you want coffee? Tea?

Craig, Brian and Damien: *cacophony of giggles*

Joseph: I’m crying…

Hugo: What happened?! Hold on, hold on…

Mat: Can I get you a caramel macchiato?

Robert, distorted: Yeah, I’ll have a burger, extra dip. *white noise*

Mat: We don’t have-

Hugo: Oh my GOD, the voice changer?! Really?!

Craig: I’ll have two number nines, a number nine large…

Joseph: I’m crying, oh my god…

Mat: Sir, this is the Coffee Spoon, not a McFridayz…

Robert, distorted: Please, they’ll take my wife if I don’t give them the burg- *cuts off, white noise*

Craig, Joseph, Brian and Damien: *laughing again*

Mat: Sir! You’re at the wrong store!

Mat, sounding exasperated: You want a McFridayz, not the…

Damien: Why are you buying clothes at the soup store!

Robert, distorted: Hello? *white noise*

Craig, Joseph, Brian and Damien: *burst out laughing again*

Mat: Hello??

Robert, distorted: I would like a burger. *white noise*

Mat: No!

MC, Craig, Joseph, Brian and Damien: *a mixture of laughs and wheezes*

Hugo: Oh my goooooood…

Mat: We sell, we sell coffee, and, and confectioneries here, Jesus Christ…

Hugo: Geez…

Mat: Boss, agdaj, I need to get the Manager…

Craig: Bro, how much of that did you get?

Joseph, Brian and Damien: *quiet giggles*

Robert, now echoing: COMPOUND!

Hugo: Eugh…

Joseph: What?!

MC, Craig and Damien: *wheezing*

Mat: Sir, do you want to-Sir, do you want to speak to the Manager?

Joseph: He’s ordering from the ether…

Mat: He’s ordering a burger-

Robert, distorted again: Can I get a fucking uhhh-

Mat: No…

MC: Oh my god…

Mat: He’s ordering, he’s trying to order a burger with extra dip at the Coffee Spoon…

Dangerous Man (John Wick x Reader)

Originally posted by anothermoviepage

Working at The Continental isn’t at all what you thought it’d be. 

SPOILER FREE FIC.


You smoothed out your shirt and looked in the mirror. It was your first day on the job. You were decked out head to toe in brand new clothes. All from a designer you’d never heard of. All custom made to fit you perfectly.  All completely free. On top of that, you’d be making a salary that, at entry level, was six figures. And all you had to do was deliver room service.

But there was a saying you’d heard since you were young: If it’s too good to be true, then it probably is.

You should have suspected something was off when you had to give a blood sample, a urine sample, a DNA swab, and answer a thirteen page questionnaire that included things like “list the full names of your parents, siblings, and grandparents” or “do you have any experience with sutures, cauterization, or CPR?”

And then the interview, itself, felt more like an interrogation. The whole thing gave you this weird feeling in your gut, but this was also the most exclusive hotel in New York City. Getting a room here wasn’t about whether or not you had the money, but whether or not you knew the right people, and even then, it was typically booked solid. You’d even heard a rumor that The Queen of England was denied a room once. Of course they’d be picky about their staff.

But after the lengthy interview process and dozen or so signatures on papers you probably should have read, you found out the truth about The Continental.

The manager’s name was Winston. He was nice enough, though he had a very “no nonsense” attitude about him. The more you found out about the place, though, the more you understood why. It was a safe haven for a secret society of people. Assassins. Hit men. Gang Lords. The underground elite of not only New York, but the entire world. The only currency accepted from customers were gold coins. One gold coin was the equivalent to one favor. It was a simple system, Winston explained, but complex to newcomers. You’d pick it up over time. All you needed to know was that if you got a coin, you kept a close eye on it.

Additionally, the hotel followed a strict set of rules, but the two that most concerned you were that staff was never to ask questions, and no business could ever be conducted on hotel grounds. The latter of the two should have made you feel safer, but instead, it just made you more nervous.

Upon the conclusion of your meeting with Winston, he presented you with a single gold coin. You looked at him curiously. He smiled, and said simply:

“A welcome gift.”

Keep reading

Unlucky Steam key scammer calls electronics, gets the dumbest employee in the world

When I worked at Walmart, I went from cart pusher->cashier->electronics->security. Sometimes after I switched to security, when electronics was really swamped, I’d help out for a few minutes. One day, the phone was ringing and I was walking by and randomly answered it.

Sir Scamalot: “Hello, sir, this is Steam Support services with Valve.”

Instantly, of course, I know this is a scam. I adore valve and played so many of their games too. I can’t believe my luck! Of all the calls to answer! Surprisingly he didn’t have some weird accent.

Me: “Oh, uh… what can I do for you?”

Sir Scamalot: “We’ve had reports that game keys shipped to your location may have an error that prevents it from authenticating, specifically the game Counter Strike. We need to validate your game keys to see if your affected.” [I forget which CS was on sale then, this was 2008].

Me: “Oh, what do I do?” As if I didn’t know.

Sir Scamalot: “Well I just need you to open any copies of the game you have and read me the CD key on the instruction manual so I can verify them with our validation software.” [or on the jewel case, I don’t remember that either]

Me: “Sure thing, can I put you on hold for a minute while I get those?”

Sir Scamalot: [obviously happy] “Sure!”

So I put Sir Scamalot on hold while I called all the other area stores electronics department and warned them about the scammer and confirmed nobody had taken a call like this earlier. About 15 minutes later, I get back to Scamalot.

Me: “Thanks for holding, but I can’t find any CD keys. I looked all through the book and the packages.”

Sir Scamalot: [annoyed] “Well sir, just open any copy of Counter Strike and on the-”

Me: “Oh, COUNTER STRIKE! I thought you said Counting Strikes, that bowling game, ok, hold on!”

Everyone in the department is listening and we all laugh. 10 minutes later, I’m back on the line.

Me: “Ok, I got what you’re looking for! What do you need?”

Now I make him walk me through how to open the box, including interrogating him for 5 minutes about how to do it without breaking the seal, then pretend I can’t find the book, etc etc.

Finally, I’m ready to read the code!

First, I read him the UPC. This upsets him. Then I read him a part number from something. Now he’s livid. Finally, I ask if he means the code on the book that says “game key” and has like groups of four digits with dashes (like he’s said probably 50 times already) and he gets excited again.

Oh, ok heres the game key…

Me: “Ok F… like frank. U… like uncle. C… like cat.”

Sir Scamalot: “Sir, I don’t think thats right, normally a code would-”

Me: “No, its. F, U, C, then K like kite. Next four is Y like yesterday. O like owl-”

And he swore at me and hung up.

Lost

Pairings: Steve x f!Reader

Request:

A Captain America x Reader one where the Avengers go camping and they get lost?


Pietro has created a chatroom.

Pietro has added Y/N, Thor, Bucky, Natasha, Tony, Bruce.

Pietro: Y/N. Whyyyyyyyyyy, whyyyyyyy did your boyfriend decide camping would be a good idea?!

Natasha: It was actually mine, Thor and Bucky’s idea.

Pietro: Whyyyyyyy Nat?! WHYYYYYYY BARNES?! THOR I TRUSTED YOU.

Bruce: No one forced you to come, Pietro. So stop complaining.

Tony: Actually I forced him to come because I know how much he hates camping.

Pietro: Are you telling me the rest of you actually accepted to camping of your own free will?! Whyyyyyyy Tony?

Tony: I knew his suffering would be entertaining.

Natasha: Damn, Stark. I never knew you had it in you.

Tony: Gotta make up for the lack of tech somehow.

Y/N: Pietro, you’ll enjoy this trip. Trust me. It’s going to be a lot of fun!

Pietro: We have been walking for hours and we still haven’t reached the campsite yet.

Thor: We have seen an abundance of cute animals, there is much deserved fresh air after many days spent on the jet after Clint consumed bad tacos, we are getting exercise in this trek - my pecs look impeccable, and we are in good company!

Pietro: 1. The only good thing out of this is the animals. 2. This isn’t my type of exercise ;) 3. Tony basically kidnapped me. He is not good company.

Bucky: Pietro is right, we have been walking for hours. We should be by the campsite by now.

Bruce: Question, why are we using our phones to communicate if we’re together?

Y/N: Because Steve is just… so happy. Look at him. He’s enjoying this so much.

Pietro: I may be bitter about this trip but my complaining would ruin it for Steve and he deserves a break.

Bruce: Ummm… Y/N?

Y/N: Yeah, Bruce?

Bruce: There’s a very large, angry looking bug on you. Don’t move.

Y/N: YOU CANT JUST TELL ME THAT BRUCE AND THEN EXPECT ME NOT TO MOVE GET IT OFF GET IT OFF BRUCE BRUCE DO SOMETHING BRUCE BRUCE OH GOD NATASHA SAVE ME

Natasha: It’s gone! Calm down. You’re okay, you’re okay. I promise not to let any bug near you. Since the boys are pretty much cowards, I’ll take on the role of bug destroyer.

Bucky: …it was so big nat… so terrifying… you are our hero.

Y/N: Where did it go though…?

Bruce: Oh it’s entangled in Thor’s hair now.

Thor: LADY NATASHA, RESCUE ME FROM THIS FOUL DEMON. I DID NOT CONSENT TO THIS TORTURE, AWAY WITH IT! IT’S HISSING! ODIN HELP ME.

Tony: THOR DON’T SUMMON LIGHTNING!

Thor: I WILL SMITE THEE, DEMON! THIS LECHEROUS THING THINKS IT CAN ATTACK ME. I MAY BE SCARED BUT I AM STILL MIGHTY!

Keep reading

Dark Souls’ Kings And Lords

Gwyn: I will raise this son as a daughter and in general take a whole diarrhea on him regardless of his merits and accomplishments because he was born aligned to a different aspect than me. I will also disown my other son and erase any records of his identity and history. I embarked on genocide of dragons for possibly very shady reasons, and was fully on board with a dangerous project to recreate that which cannot be replicated, resulting in a catastrophic failure that mutated a wise and peaceful civilization into murderous beast. You are supposed to feel bad about having to kill me, as the sad piano that plays while we duke it out suggests.

King of Oolacile: Dude, what if we totally dabbled in the forbidden arts with our golden sorceries (read: utility spells) as our only back-up and tortured this ancient conglomeration of twisted existences that we revived just to satisfy our sick curiosity? That’d be RAD, I hope nothing about this bites us in the ass down the lane, am I right.

The Four Kings: Man, it was really a challenge, but we finally got this whole New Londo jimjam going strong and steady! *phone rings* GUYS, THIS SNAKE THAT ANTAGONIZES EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR PROMISES TO TEACH US THE 120% ILLEGAL ART OF LIFEDRAIN, LET’S ROLL, I MEAN, WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

King Vendrick: *playing the harmonica off-note in his shitty crypt* I married this really hot chick but she turned out to be, like, a literal aspect of darkness hell-bent on the obliteration of civilization, so, hey, whatevs, man, you gotta compromise in marriage, right? *takes a swig of a black label Johnnie Walker* she then was like “honey, you gotta murderize that entire civilization of peaceful giants”, so we did! It was GREAT, we lost over half of our population, I redefined the concept of “war crime”, it was mad cool, man, well, except for the part where I realized what I had done, engaged full pussy mode, and locked myself in a crypt, where I took to wandering naked and afraid while my bodyguard protects me, despite the fact that I am insanely strong and immortal and wise. WHATCHA GONNA DO *LIFTS ARMS IN MOCK SURRENDER* *LAUGH TRACK PLAYS*

Duke Tseldora: SPIDERS

The Sunken King: Whew! That took a LOT of time, but we finally did it! We built a whole city around this slumbering dragon, our object of worship! This is, in no way, a dangerous idea at all. You know what is also not dangerous? Why, those famed Dragonslayers coming over by yonder, the Drakeblood Knights, led by Sir Yorgh, famed Dragonslayer! Let’s see what they want!

Old Iron King: LOOK AT ALL THIS METAL, HOMIE. LOOK AT MY COOL ASS SAMURAI MAN TEACHING MY KNIGHTS TO BE SAMURAI, HOMIE. LOOK AT THIS BITCHIN’ FUCKIN’ FORMER DRANGLEIC KNIGHT, RAIME, WHO CAME TO SERVE ME, HOMIE. YEAH BABY, WE GOT IT ALL IN THE IRON KINGDOM, WE GOT THESE CROSS-CULTURAL SAMURAI KNIGHTS PIMPING UP THE PLACE WITH PLATE ARMOR AND IAI, MAN, AND WE– H-hold on, Alonne, baby? Where you going, man? Baby, no, I can change, I swear, please come back, baby, NO, BABY, ALONNE *SHANKS ALONNE* aw fiddlesticks well I guess my kingdom goes to fuck now ‘cause I will throw the biggest, meanest tantrum in the history of big diaper pissbabies LET’S GO

Ivory King: Hello! I love you! Yes, you! Whoever is reading this, I love you! I really do! And while I love you a lot, there’s someone I love even more, and that’s my beautiful wife, Alsanna! God, I love my wife, she’s so beautiful and kind and smart, I just want her to be happy forever. I know, she’s a literal aspect of darkness who came with evil intentions and zealous desire to raze my lands, but, I know that anyone, anyone, is capable of redemption, and my love has confirmed that. I love my wife, and I love my kingdom Eleum Loyce, my capable knights, my beautiful tigers, my kingdom of snow and peace! Wanna know a secret? I built my kingdom right on top of the Old Chaos to contain it, to keep it in check, so it wouldn’t rampage across the world. Ah, I’m really sad to have to cut this short, but my soul, well, it wavers. After so many years of fighting it, my very fabric is yielding to the overwhelming chaos. As an ultimate act of sacrifice, I will give myself to the Flame, contain the whole essence of the Old Chaos within my body, and keep it wrested to the ground, so it can never harm anyone evermore. I am glad to have met you, but I must go now. Please live a wonderful life! Shout out to my beautiful wife!

Yhorm the Giant: *hands you the one thing that can kill him* I AM HONESTLY TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER, PLEASE TRUST ME. AND IF I GO COO-COO, USE THAT TO KILL ME, AND ALSO, I AM PUTTING AWAY MY GREATSHIELD SO IT IS EASIER TO HIT ME IN CASE I GO BAD, BUT PLEASE, I AM JUST TRYING TO BE GOOD, BRUSH YOUR SEATBELT AND FASTEN YOUR TEETH.

Oceiros, the Consumed King: *spams your Facebook feed with photos of his invisible baby*

Nameless King: Funny story, but I am actually not a king. Anyways, check out these delayed attacks and these FPS drops.

Prince Lothric: What If Stay Home Instead

Enlisted Ranks: Army

There’s nothing I hate more than a story that didn’t even try to get its ranks right. Why is a major giving orders to a colonel? Why is a first sergeant working with a bunch of fuzzies? Why the hell did you just call the sergeant major ‘sir’? 

Military ranks are different across the branches, but if your story features the U.S. Army, here’s a breakdown of enlisted ranks and rank etiquette. (other branches coming soon!)

Basics
Ranks in the army follow a numerical pattern, so if you’re ever not quite sure what the name of the rank higher is, you can reference them by nomenclature.
E-series: E stands for enlisted. This refers to soldiers from private to sergeant major. 
O-series: O stands for officer. This refers to soldiers from second lieutenant to general. O-series post coming soon!
W-series: W stands for warrant officer. This refers to soldiers from warrant officer 1 to chief warrant officer 5. W-series post coming soon!

In ACUs, (army combat uniform) the rank is worn in the center of the chest via a velcro patch. In class-A uniforms, the rank is worn on the shoulder.

Each pay grade earns slightly more per month than the one before it. Officers make significantly more money per month than enlisted. Time in service also affects pay, meaning a sergeant who’s been in six years will make more than a staff sergeant who’s been in three years.

E-1: Private
Most people who enlist come in at E-1 unless they were in JROTC, have a college degree, or performed some other feat with their recruiters prior to enlisting i.e. volunteer work, good P.T. scores, etc. This is the lowest pay grade and has no rank. Soldiers who are E-1s do not wear a rank. 
also known as: PV1, fuzzy (because they wear no velcro rank, there’s a patch of bare fuzz in the middle of their uniform. You can buy a patch to cover it.)
Title: Private, PV1

E-2: Private
Yes, there are two ranks by the name of private. You reach E-2 automatically after six months of enlistment. If you enroll in the Delayed Entry Program or have an acceptable P.T. card with your recruiter, you can enlist as an E-2 instead of an E-1. At E-2, you more or less have no more power than an E-1. 
also known as : PV2
Title: Private, PV2


E-3: Private First Class
The final “private” class. You reach E-3 automatically after 12 months of enlistment, assuming you’ve been an E-2 for at least four months. If you were in JROTC for four years, you enter automatically at this rank. This rank still doesn’t have much power, but may be put in charge of other privates and may assist their team leader with tasks, and on occasion may be a team leader themselves.
also known as : PFC
Title: Private, PFC.

E-4: Specialist/Corporal
The last “junior enlisted” class. You reach specialist automatically after 24 months of enlistment, assuming you’ve been a PFC for at least six months. If you enlist with a completed four year college degree, you can start out as an E-4 instead of an E-1. Specialists tend to be team leaders and may be in charge of other specialists and privates. When no NCOs are present, the senior specialist is in charge. 

Corporal, while technically the same pay grade as specialist, is actually an essentially higher rank. It’s a special rank only bestowed on those who are in leadership positions and are awaiting the appropriate time in service/time in grade to be promoted to sergeant. Corporals are considered NCOs while specialists are considered junior enlisted.  Strictly speaking corporals and specialists are the same rank, but in most situations, corporals out rank specialists.
also known as: shamshields, (specialist only) SPC, CPL
Title: Specialist, Corporal

Intermission!

Man, all of that text is boring. Let’s break it up a bit with some rank etiquette, shall we?

• Lower enlisted (E-1 thru E-4) tend to call each other by their surname regardless of rank. Even an E-1 will probably be calling a specialist just by their name. The exception is Corporals, who are considered NCOs and are referred to by rank.

• E-5 and above are referred to as “NCOs,” or non-commissioned officers. 

• NCOs with similar ranks might call each other by their surnames and will call lower enlisted by their surnames. When discussing another NCO with a lower enlisted, they will use that NCO’s proper rank. So a sergeant speaking to a PFC will say “Sergeant Smith needs you,” not “Smith needs you.” Freshly promoted sergeants who still hang out with lower enlisted might not mind their friends calling them their surnames in private, but formally and professionally they’re expected to address their senior properly. 

• Lower enlisted ranks are often called “joes,” especially when an NCO is addressing another NCO about their squad or platoon. “Have your joes had chow yet?” = “Have the soldiers directly under your command eaten yet?” 

• It’s considered inappropriate for lower enlisted to hang out with NCOs and it’s discouraged, especially in the work place. 

Are you all rested up? Great! Let’s get back to the ranks. 




E-5: Sergeant

Finally: the NCO ranks! Unlike the previous ranks, you cannot automatically rank up to sergeant. You must attend special courses and be seen by a promotion board where you’ll be expected to recite the NCO creed and have knowledge appropriate for an non-commissioned officer. From this rank on, lower-ranked soldiers will refer to you as “sergeant” and you will likely be a squad leader or in another leadership position. 

• Lower enlisted do NOT refer to sergeants by their surname unless it is paired with their rank. “Sergeant Smith,” not just “Smith,” or your private will be doing a lot of push-ups. 

• No one calls them “Sarge.” Like… just don’t do it friends. 

• Some pronounce sergeant in such a way it sounds as though the g is dropped entirely. Ser-eant, or phonetically, “saarnt.” 

also known as: SGT

Title: Sergeant


E-6: Staff Sergeant

Sergeant Plus. You probably will have similar responsibilities to an E-5, meaning probably a squad leader unless you need to fill in for a platoon sergeant. Don’t misunderstand; in lower enlisted ranks, private and private first class aren’t that much of a difference. E-5 and E-6 are a definite difference though. It is acceptable to call an E-6 either “sergeant” or “sergeant (name)” instead of staff sergeant. 

also known as: SSG

Title: Sergeant


E-7: Sergeant First Class

At this point the ranks become known as “senior NCO.” E-7 and above cannot be demoted by normal means. It actually requires a court martial or congressional approval to demote an E-7. Like, it’s surprisingly hard to demote people after this point. I once knew an E-7 who got busted with a DUI and STILL didn’t lose his rank.

Anyway, it’s still appropriate to call an E-7 “sergeant” or “sergeant (name)” instead of sergeant first class. SFCs may be platoon sergeants or in some circumstances may hold a first sergeant position. While positioned as a first sergeant, they should be referred to as “first sergeant.” Unless you work at battalion level or higher, this is probably the highest NCO rank you’ll interact with regularly, and in some cases interacting with an E-7 can be as big a deal as interacting with an E-8. 

also known as: SFC

Title: Sergeant


E-8: First Sergeant/Master Sergeant

Another dual-rank. First sergeants are the NCO in charge of a company and are usually the highest ranking NCO soldiers will interact with regularly. They run the company alongside the company commander. All NCOs answer to them and most beginning of the day and end of the day formations will be initiated and ended with them. It is only appropriate to refer to a first sergeant as “first sergeant” or “first sergeant (name).” Do not just call them “sergeant.”

Master sergeants are E-8s who are not in a first sergeant position. Typically these people wind up working in offices in battalion or brigade. It’s only appropriate to refer to a master sergeant as “master sergeant” or “master sergeant (name).”

also known as: 1SG, FSG, (first sergeant only) MSG (master sergeant only)

Titles: First Sergeant, Master Sergeant.


E-9: Sergeant Major or Command Sergeant Major

We finally reach the end of the list: Sergeant Major, the highest ranking NCO. Sergeant Majors will be found at battalion level and higher. Command Sergeant Majors are those that hold a leadership position in a battalion, brigade, etc, like first sergeant vs master sergeant. It is appropriate to refer to E-9s as “sergeant major” or “sergeant major (name).” Typically, a command sergeant major will be referred to AS command sergeant major.

In the U.S., the plural form of sergeant major is “sergeants major.” Outside the U.S., “sergeant majors” can be correct. 

also known as: SGM, CSM

Title: Sergeant Major

Now, for the most important announcement:

Soldiers NEVER, and I mean NEVER, refer to an NCO as “sir” or “ma’am.” Forget what the movies tell you; if your first sergeant is chewing you out, you do not say “ma’am, yes ma’am!” You’ll earn yourself some push-ups and some cleaning duty and probably a counseling. Do you see how under every rank I’ve provided a “title” section? That’s how your soldiers address that rank. Period. The only people who get called “sir” and “ma’am” are civilians and officers. Cannot tell you how many movies I’ve rolled my eyes into my skull because some snot-nosed private is calling their squad leader “sir.” Please cease this immediately. Thank you.

That’s all for scriptsoldier’s rank breakdown of enlisted ranks! Stay tuned for our breakdown of officers, warrant officers, and how your rank affects your standing in your unit!

Unlucky Steam key scammer calls electronics, gets the dumbest employee in the world

When I worked at Walmart, I went from cart pusher->cashier->electronics->security. Sometimes after I switched to security, when electronics was really swamped, I’d help out for a few minutes. One day, the phone was ringing and I was walking by and randomly answered it.

Sir Scamalot: “Hello, sir, this is Steam Support services with Valve.”

Instantly, of course, I know this is a scam. I adore valve and played so many of their games too. I can’t believe my luck! Of all the calls to answer! Surprisingly he didn’t have some weird accent.

Me: “Oh, uh… what can I do for you?”

Sir Scamalot: “We’ve had reports that game keys shipped to your location may have an error that prevents it from authenticating, specifically the game Counter Strike. We need to validate your game keys to see if your affected.” [I forget which CS was on sale then, this was 2008].

Me: “Oh, what do I do?” As if I didn’t know.

Sir Scamalot: “Well I just need you to open any copies of the game you have and read me the CD key on the instruction manual so I can verify them with our validation software.” [or on the jewel case, I don’t remember that either]

Me: “Sure thing, can I put you on hold for a minute while I get those?”

Sir Scamalot: [obviously happy] “Sure!”

So I put Sir Scamalot on hold while I called all the other area stores electronics department and warned them about the scammer and confirmed nobody had taken a call like this earlier. About 15 minutes later, I get back to Scamalot.

Me: “Thanks for holding, but I can’t find any CD keys. I looked all through the book and the packages.”

Sir Scamalot: [annoyed] “Well sir, just open any copy of Counter Strike and on the-”

Me: “Oh, COUNTER STRIKE! I thought you said Counting Strikes, that bowling game, ok, hold on!”

Everyone in the department is listening and we all laugh. 10 minutes later, I’m back on the line.

Me: “Ok, I got what you’re looking for! What do you need?”

Now I make him walk me through how to open the box, including interrogating him for 5 minutes about how to do it without breaking the seal, then pretend I can’t find the book, etc etc.

Finally, I’m ready to read the code!

First, I read him the UPC. This upsets him. Then I read him a part number from something. Now he’s livid. Finally, I ask if he means the code on the book that says “game key” and has like groups of four digits with dashes (like he’s said probably 50 times already) and he gets excited again.

Oh, ok heres the game key…

Me: “Ok F… like frank. U… like uncle. C… like cat.”

Sir Scamalot: “Sir, I don’t think thats right, normally a code would-”

Me: “No, its. F, U, C, then K like kite. Next four is Y like yesterday. O like owl-”

And he swore at me and hung up.

i’m at my job interview. everything is going well - i’m dressed to the nines, my resume and cover letter are both laminated and gold encrested, and so far i’ve wooed the interviewer with my knowledge of the customer service industry. nothing could possibly go wrong now. just as the interviewer is about to offer the job, there is a knock on the door and the secretary from the lobby steps through. i turn to say hello to her again, an expression of my politeness and charisma, but she gives me a dirty look. i don’t understand, but i think perhaps shes just having a bad day. i don’t think much about it. the interviewer invites her in, and she walks around the desk and whispers something into his ear. his eyes widen, and i see him glance at me with a look of shock and disgust. the secretary stands up straight and gives me one more nasty look before exiting. suddenly i am afriad. what could they possibly have found out about me to warrant such a reaction? what had i done between walking into the office and this point to cause such an obvious problem? i swallow, and it feels like a stone in my throat.

“well,” the interviewer says. “we’ve run into a bit of a problem.”

i have to hold back my disappointment. “what’s wrong?”

“my secretary just informed me of something quite disturbing about you, and i’m not sure we can allow it within our company.”

“okay,” i say. “what did she say?”

he paused for a long moment; he glanced away from me and then back to me, as if he was struggling to get the words out. i noticed, at the end, that he had tears in his eyes.

“she……she told me……”

“yes, sir?”

at that moment, he looked me dead in the face. “she told me…..that op is an aphobe.”

Potion No. 9

pairing: daveed x reader

requests: could you do Daveed X younger reader, where reader is like 18-20 and they start dating and the reader’s parents get really weirded out over the age difference?

summary: it’s time for daveed to meet reader’s parents. that’s it that’s really all i’ve got.

warnings: swearing, smut, semi-public/public sex, D/s, daddy kink, light bondage, praise kink

word count: 4,320

a/n: title is part of title of a sandra bullock movie but i used it as lyrics from lotus flower bomb by wale, which i recommend u start to play during the sexy time at the end ok. i know it’s barely still valentine’s day but I WROTE THIS all in one day it’s been a wild ride. i wanted to get this up ASAP but i’m messy and wanted to write one more sex scene i’m sorry buds but i hope you enjoy it anyway!!!!!!!!!!


“Are you ready, babe?” You peer into the mirror, adjusting the clasp on your necklace. The small heart-shaped garnet glints in the light and your heart flutters, remembering Daveed gifting it to you just this morning.

“Just a second,” he shouts from his bedroom. “I can’t get this fucking tie on straight!”

You snicker, tucking your lipstick into your small clutch. “Come out here and I’ll do it for you.”

Daveed grunts and shuffles out into the living room with his suit jacket draped over one arm and a sour look on his face.

“Why are you pouting?” You ask, fingers deftly untying the crooked knot and starting over again.

“I’m too old to not know how to tie my own tie,” he huffs, shoving one hand into the pockets of his dress pants.

Keep reading

|Awkward Dinner| Peter Parker

Peter Parker x Stark!reader

Request:  Hi, are u tking in requests? Because I was thinking of one in which the reader is dating Peter Parker and her dad is Tony Stark (peter dindnt know) and she presents Peter to her dad in a dinner night and Tony is like :“You piece of shit,youre dating my daughter” and a lot of awkard conversations at dinner? I dont know, is it too mixed up? keep writing

A/N: Thanks for the request and I love the idea of the reader being Starks daughter so I had fun writing this :3

Warnings: ALOT of cussings, and mentions of sex and implied *wink wonk*

Words: 915

Part 2

Originally posted by dailymcugifs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you nervous?” I asked Peter, holding his arm while standing in front of the closed dining room doors.

“No- I mean… Yeah. I just hope your dad likes me.” He nervously chuckled.

“I know he’ll love you! I mean he’s really smart just like you. And funny- but kind of an asshole…” I smiled up at him.

“Ok…” He opened the door and grinned. “After you.” He motioned into the room.

“Thank you.” I giggled at him and walked past. My dad, who most call Tony Stark, was sitting at the table working on something projecting from his watch.

“Hey sweetie-” He said without looking up. Peter walked up beside me and froze.

“Uh-” Peter whimpered.

“Babe- are you ok?” I whispered to him. My dad looked up.

“Oh- hey Peter…” My fathers eyebrows furrowed. “What are you doing here?” He asked. My eyes widened.

“Hey… Mr. Stark…” Peter quietly said.

“You know my dad?” I whisper shouted at Peter.

“Yeah! I mean he made my suit and all!” He threw his hands up, keeping his voice low.

“Y/N… I thought your boyfriend would be eating with us.” He said through gritted teeth. I feel like he already knew Peter was my so said boyfriend but wanted to hear me say it.

“Hehe… dad… You apparently already know Peter… my… boyfriend.” I smiled as best I could to hide my embarrassment. I knew that look. My dad had his ‘I’m going to kick someones ass’ look.

“You son of bitch-”

“Dad!” I snapped at my dad.

“You piece of shit-”

“Daaaad-”

“You don’t got daddy issues why you scoping after an almost carbon copy of me?” I groaned.

“Stop- let’s just… have dinner and be nice and- dad do not yell at him anymore.” I said while taking Peter’s arm and leading him to a seat next to me near my dad. We both sat down and my father sighed, swiping away his work.

There was an awkward silence as our food was brought out. Peters’ hand was clammy against mine and then he shook my hand from his. I looked down at the food which was steak.

“I’m sorry about my dad-” I began to whisper towards Peter. “I didn’t know you guys knew-”

“So, Peter…” My dad spoke up, catching our attention. “How long have you two been… a thing?” He asked.

“A-About… Eight months…” My dad growled at Peter’s answer.

“Sooo… How was work, dad?” I asked. I could tell Peter was tense so I put my hand on his knee and he slowly loosened up.

“It was-” He sliced his knife hard through the steak and the knife made a clang against the plate. “Good…” Peter gulped beside me.

“So, Peter… Does Y/N know? About the internship?” I could tell my dad was staring at Peter without even looking up.

“Uh… Um… Yeah…” My eyes looked up at my dad.

“I thought I told you not to involve anyone you cared about.” He said as he calmly set down his silverware.

“S-She accidentally found out- Mr. Stark.”

“I’m gonna kick your ass, Parker.” Peter tensed up again.

“Dad!” I yelled. Both boys looked my way. “Why can’t you just accept that Peter and I are dating and you can’t just be an asshole to him. It’s hurting me too!” I looked at Peter and he weakly smiled.

“I’m sorry honey… I’m just… Mad at Peter at the moment.” He mumbled. It clicked in my mind that Peter said he had gotten his suit taken away. I leaned towards Peter.

“Did he take away your suit?” I whispered to him.

“Yeah…” I giggled and then sighed.

“I have two children on my hands.” Peter nodded in agreement.

“Are you calling me a child, Peter?”

“No- No sir! I- was…” Peter hurriedly grabbed his water and started drinking from it to avoid the question.

“Listen- I’m totally fine with you two dating but I have some rules.” My dad held up one finger. “One- no sex.” I heard a choking sound from Peter and he coughed up some water. I guess we already broke rule number one. My dad didn’t even care and went on with the rules as Peter tried to regain breaths. “Two- mainly to you Peter- If you break her heart I really am going to kick your ass.”

“Yes, M-Mr. Stark.” Peter gasped and I patted his back.

“Three- no kissing in front of me. Four- If something happens to her you’re going to do everything you possibly can to get her back.”

“I would be doing that anyways even if you wouldn’t have told me too… Sir! S-sir…” My father rolled his eyes and his watch beeped.

“I have to go do something.” He pushed his seat back and started walking towards me. He kissed the top of my head and then looked at Peter. He just stared at him for a second. “Don’t expect me to kiss you either. I’m mad at you.” He turned around and walked out the door. Peter let out all the air he was holding in.

“Jesus- Christ. That was the most terrifying I’ve ever done.” We both laughed quietly and then leaned back in our chairs.

“I’m sorry- I thought that would have gone a lot better.” He shrugged.

“I mean… you could make it up to me.” He smirked down at me.

“Hm… do you want to break one of my dads rules?” I asked.

“What!? No! He might murder me!”

“Even if it’s rule number one?” I bit my lip and he whimpered.

“I-I think I could live with that…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: who wouldn’t wanna break rule number one with Peter ‘fuck me’ Parker

OK BUT PLEASE CONSIDER 

fussy baby!Keith in Dads of Marmora AU

nobody can figure out what’s wrong with him, they’ve tried everything

one of them brings Keith to Kolivan, “sir, he’s throwing a fit, and we don’t know what to do with him”

Kolivan: “really? did you take him to Thace? he seems to always be calmest around Thace”

“Thace went out to go get baby supplies and food, sir”

K: “oh… well how about Ulaz? what’s he doing?”

“I believe he’s already tried, sir; I saw him walk into his room saying something about ‘needing some peace and quiet’ with an icepack on his head”

K: “oh dear… umm… what about… Antok?”

“unfortunately, the second we handed the baby off to Antok, he got a swift whack to the face and hasn’t been seen since”

K: “…really? he hit him? even through the mask??”

“yes sir”

Keith of course has been screaming this entire time and the poor Galra holding him might be crying himself a little bit

Kolivan inhales and breathes out. “give me the boy.” 

the crying Galra hands baby Keith to Kolivan and one of the other Galras comes over to comfort the poor guy. Kolivan stares at Keith for a while before asking everybody to leave so he can deal with Keith on his own. everyone (happily) leaves. once everyone’s gone, Kolivan sits Keith on his lap and tries to get his attention.

“hey little warrior… I have a surprise for you…”

Keith looks up at Kolivan, who is covering his face. Kolivan then reveals his face, which is contorted in the goofiest looking face imaginable for a Galra. he’s making funny noises and sticking his tongue out at Keith to try and make him laugh. Keith stares at him for a while, Kolivan continues to cover his face and play peek-a-boo, making silly faces and noises every time. eventually Keith turns from sobbing into tiny giggles and then full blown cackling.

Thace eventually comes back, arms full of baby supplies, and finds the two of them still sitting there making faces at each other. he’s happy to see that Keith has finally calmed down, but he can never look at Kolivan the same way again ROFL

New titles for dear Evan Hansen songs

Anybody got a map?: idk how to parent, I think I’m doing it right

Waving through a window: The song that will be ruined by tone deaf pre teens singing it for every audition

For Forever: bromance and lying song 1

Sincerely me: bromance and lying song 2

Requiem: Angst

If I could tell her: Creepy kid uses a girl’s dead brother to get into her pants: the musical!

Disappear: lying song 3.

You will be found: aggressively crying on the floor because it’s too comforting

Sincerely me reprise: Sir not appearing in this cast recording

Break in a glove: the song everyone will skip because they missed the point of it entirely

Only Us: the soon to be over done love duet

Good for you: Angst 2 With everyone who wasn’t in the first angst song

Words fail: let’s see if you can hold your breath and crying at the same time for 5:51 minutes

So big so small: at this point I’m weeping on the floor in the fetal position

Finale: Do you still have tears, Ben sure does

Okay so hockey is like, rife with superstitions and ritual.  

Each player has their own pre-game rituals, which are honestly on par with religious sacraments. You do not fuck with a man’s pre-game ritual.  Also, the inability to practice one’s pre-game ritual is deeply emotionally destabilizing.  Like, we’re talking serious repercussions here.  If a player is unable to complete their sacred ritual, there will be hell to pay.

Just as famous as Crosby’s famous pre-game plate of spaghetti, or Jack Zimmerman’s pre-game PB&J, is Snowy’s pre-game application of eyeliner.  It is not only essential to his game play; it is essential to the current alignment of our space-time continuum.  

Which brings us to Snowy, currently in the throes of an emotional breakdown, in seat 15C on the Falc’s bus, clutching desperately to his last remaining tube of La Nuit, Nior de Nior eyeliner as though it were the cooling body of his only son.

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Dog Days Are Over

Summary: You were already having a bad day, and then in walks Mr. Perfect and his best friend’s puppy. Oh, and he needs you to hurry because he’s got a blind date tonight, and he’s really nervous.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 2,993

Author’s Note: Do you know how long this has been in my drafts? Anyways, here’s more fluff. Sorry I’ve been the Ebeneezer Scrooge of fluff, but I can’t help it that I’m a cynical, angsty bitch who likes to make people suffer.

Originally posted by thespoilerwitchblog

There were certain rules to being a veterinary technician.

Number one, waterproof mascara and eyeliner always! When the customer cries, you cry. Number two, carry a lint roller on you at all times; it’s best to get the pocket-sized one, because Mr. Twinkles sheds a lot! Number three, iron your scrubs! And it’s probably best to keep an extra pair in your car, because Mrs. Comier’s Jack Russell likes to pee on people.

Even though you knew these rules by heart, and you followed them every single day of your work-life, today was an exception. It was just one of those days that absolutely nothing- no matter how hard you tried- was going right. You were covered in fluffy cat hairs, Mrs. Comier’s Jack Russell peed on your leg twice, and you had run out of waterproof mascara; so when Mr. Langley brought in his thirteen year old Labrador to put her down, he cried, and so you cried, and in the end you looked like the raccoon that liked to sneak into the office dumpsters at closing.

Today just wasn’t your day.

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