can i have some cheese with my whine

a weekend away

request: could you write a oneshot where Harry and y/n have 3 sons and y/n has to go away for work and Harry’s looking after them and when she comes back she’s all 😍😍😍 for her boys please? And can you include the type of banter you had in last Christmas? I loved that!!! Thanks for sharing! X

this got kind of long lol but i really liked writing it, i hope you guys love it too! no warnings, absolute fluff once again.

I was awoken by a five year old climbing into bed between myself and Harry.

“Jayden?” I heard Harry’s sleepy voice croak.

“Hi daddy.” I smiled at the sound of my son’s voice.

“Hi buddy, what’s going on?”

I felt Jayden cuddle up next to me, “Mummy’s leaving today, I wanted to say goodbye.”

I laughed, fully awake now, “Bubby, I’m not leaving for a long time, probably not until the twins go down for their afternoon nap.” I said, glancing at the clock that said 3:17 AM.

He looked at me with the widest green eyes. My three sons were all replicas of their father. Which was nice, because, obviously, they were beautiful, but I was a little jealous and hoped at least one of them would begin to show a feature of mine as they grew. “Please don’t make me go back in my room.”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

You know that marijuana causes schizophrenia right? Sorry but it is a drug and this fandom sucks enough and adding drugs is just trashy.

I don’t know who the fuck you are (though I have a few guesses), but I would suggest you go take your uneducated self off my page and maybe start by putting yourself off anonymous and showing your face instead of being a pussy like most of you people who think they’re so tough but can’t show your blog because god forbid if somebody put out YOUR name, am I right? Did you want some cheese and crackers with your whine too?

First off, no it does not. Schizophrenia is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain and is mostly from genetics. All that WebMD crap is bullshit. Yes, it can make you tired and drowsy but you cannot become schizophrenic from smoking or using cannabis.

If we want to go into that argument, there have been people who were diagnosed with schizophrenia and use cannabis to help with their symptoms. If it can help with depression, anxiety, PTSD, seizures, and other mental and physical illness without even killing somebody or giving them serious side effects, why else do you think the pharmaceutical companies don’t want you to believe it is a curing herb and not a gateway drug?

There’s been 0 released deaths from physically smoking or using marijuana. True shit. People have died from peanuts. FUCKING PEANUTS!!! Before dying from marijuana and unlike tobacco, marijuana doesn’t have nicotine. When the smoke is released into the open air, it doesn’t linger like tobacco smoke because of all the chemicals that are in cigarettes/cigars. Smoking anything can harm your lungs yes, which is why some people use edibles instead but I can bet over $100 if more people started smoking marijuana and stop smoking cigarettes and cigars for recreational use, it would be better for our ecosystem and air. We’d have cleaner air. But that would also be useful if people drove electric cars and the world ran on solar energy.

Also you’d have to smoke more than your own body weight to die from smoking marijuana. And you’ll pass out before you can ever smoke more than your body weight. Fun fact: We also have cannabinoids in our bodies. Yes, insane as that sounds it is in our brains. One of the safest plants that helps people mentally and physically.

At this point, I could care less what the other people in this fandom think of my smuts. If they hate it, there are plenty of other writers out there willing to give them something that will fit their kinks or interests. But please, don’t come on my blog and start the drama. It’s perfectly okay for people to make rape smuts or drunk smuts but god forbid the world is on fire because Azusa is gonna smoke a bowl with the reader and let her try a weed brownie.

Now I’m done with this conversation and argument. If you wanna complain to somebody, go look on other Tumblr blogs. I can assure you there are worst things on Tumblr besides the use of marijuana. Good god people. Grow the fuck up already.

Mayor “fucking” Robert Joseph MacCready dialogue - Fallout 3

“I’m MacCready. I run Little Lamplight, because they made me the mayor. And I don’t like strangers. Or mungos.”

“Knock, what’s up? And if you say “the sky” I swear I’m gonna kick you in the junk.”

“Knick, anything new and fancy in your magic junkpile full of crap?”

“With a mouth as foul as mine, your shitty cooking fits right in.”

“Ain’t had enough, huh? Well, stay in line and everything’ll be a-oh-fucking-kay.”

“Look alive, you mopey motherfucker, you’ve got a mayor talking to you!”

“No, you know what? You can go take a hike, you insane mutant-fucker. Get out of my town!”

“Okay, what the hell is wrong with you, mungo? This had better be important! “

“Did you get hit in the head? You have to pester me every time a stray thought happens to wander into that hollowed out melon you call a skull?”

“Oh, what now? You come to me to talk about how nice my damned cave is? Maybe a little small talk about local soil erosion or some bullshit?”

“Why are you still pestering me, you moron?” (he really hates it when you ask him too many  questions)

“Like my town so much you had to come congratulate me personally, right? Happens all the time - caps and ammo are the preferred way to show your love.” (Oh he hasn’t changed a bit)

“You don’t make trouble in here, got it? I ain’t having no shit-butts making trouble.”

“How do I have to solve your bullshit problem, today?”

“Guess you gotta find another home for Little Orphan Asshole.” (when you bring the lost kid to him to take in)

“This ain’t a hotel, mungo. We don’t let stupid farts in here for the hell of it.”

“We’re in the best fucking place in the world! You better believe I feel great!”

“Among other reasons, I’m not a mean bitch like you. No, I’m a mean bastard! There’s a difference!”

“Well, I could call you a shithead, but then all these other shitheads wouldn’t know which shithead I was talking to. Shithead.”

“Hey, Princess, stop thinking about how dreamy I am and pay attention to guarding!”

“I’ll get the scav team on it. Maybe they can get you some fucking cheese to go along with your whine.”

Lone Wanderer: You know what? Your face looks like my butt.
MacCready: You must like having such a good looking butt.

Lone Wanderer: How can I get you to trust me?
MacCready: You mungos are nothing but trouble. I ain’t gonna let what happened to Sammy and Squirrel happen to anyone else.

Lone Wanderer: Let me think about it and get back to you on that.
MacCready: Oh, what-the-fuck-ever. Come back when you can make a decision.

Lone Wanderer: I’ve heard a lot about the fungus in your cavern, and I’d like to make a deal.

MacCready: Yeah, I’ll bet you’ve heard all about the “fungus in my cavern.”

Lone Wanderer: Give me the fungus, or I’ll seal this place underground. And you with it.
MacCready: I wouldn’t expect much goodwill in town after this, you shit-sucking mungo bastard

Lone Wanderer: I bring in needed supplies, and I get some of the fungus in return.
MacCready: No, no deal, mungo. This is our fungus, and we haven’t got enough to share with freaks like you.

Lone Wanderer: I bring in needed supplies, and I get some of the fungus in return.
MacCready: More stuff for us, and more chance of you getting shot, stumbling back here, choking on your own blood while we point and laugh? Sounds good.

Lone Wanderer: Gee, what a great reception for a returning hero.
MacCready: You want a party or something, you go pay some mungos to be your friends and they can all talk about how great you are. How’s that?

Lone Wanderer: Sure, if you’ve got the adult-sized stones to stop me.
MacCready: Just give it a shot, mungo. You’ll see plenty of my adult-sized stones when I’m pissing on your grave.

Confessions

What can I say? I’m on a roll this weekend. ;)

Again this is totally PG fluff set during the swanqueen road trip. Regina admitting to Emma that she’d had a past relationship with Mal and their reactions.

Hope you enjoy. 

- - - - - - 

“I’m bored” Emma complained for about the 20th time since they’d set off just over an hour ago. 

“We talked for the first twenty minutes Emma, I’m not sure what else you want me to say?” Regina replied, turning to face the blond. “You’re not bored anyway, you’re just using boredom as a ploy to get me to play one of your childish games.”

Emma turned to the brunette for long enough to stick her tongue out, before looking back at the road. “Well if you don’t want to play anything then why don’t we ask each other questions? We’re friends and share a son and yet other than stuff I’ve seen over the past four years and read in a storybook, I don’t know anything about you.” 

“Nor do you need to” came the firm reply. 

“Aw come on Regina, you can ask questions back” Emma whined. 

Regina raised her eyebrows. “Hmm I guess that would have some merits. Fine, but I go first.”

Emma nodded in consent and Regina hummed to herself for a moment in thought before deciding on her first question. 

“If you could go back in time to when you gave birth to Henry, would you keep him?”

Emma screwed her face up. “Talk about starting on a deep question - could you have not just asked me my favourite food or something?” 

“Grilled cheese, and if you want to do this then we might as well do it properly. I’m not wasting time asking you silly questions about favourite food and colours.” 

“Fine” Emma muttered, sulking that her game had been so quickly turned against her. She should have known better than to try something like this with Regina. “No, I wouldn’t. As much as it breaks my heart to know I missed out on so much, I wasn’t ready to be a Mom at 18. I wouldn’t have been the Mom he deserved. Despite what I may have said when I first arrived, you did a fantastic job with him. So no, if I could have the chance to decide again, keeping him or letting you raise him, I’d still pick the latter. I wanted him to have his best chance in life, and that meant being with you and you alone for the first ten years of it.” 

“And if there was a third option?” Regina asked softly, trying to hide how touched she was by Emma’s answer. 

“Like?” Emma asked simple. 

“Like you both came to live with me and you and I brought him up together?” 

“I’d take it.” Emma said without hesitation. “We’re a good team Regina, and I believe we would have been even back then.”

Regina nodded but still wouldn’t look at Emma as she added. “I agree. I’d chose the same thing.”

They were both silent for a moment before the younger woman broke it with her question. “You’re an attractive and powerful woman and yet other than Robin and Daniel you haven’t had any real relationships? Not where someone’s picked you as against being forced by your mother or that weird heart thing with Graham.”

“Thank you for the reminder dear.” Regina said, raising her eyebrow again at the blond. “But in answer to your question I had one other relationship that was born from mutual attraction, like my relationship with Daniel. But it was complicated. I was married to your Grandfather at the time…”

“Don’t call him that” Emma said screwing up her face. “Look I don’t know exactly what went on and how he treated you but I know enough to know I don’t want to even be considered his relation.”

“Sorry” Regina said, trying to hide her surprise at both Emma’s knowledge and the hint of protectiveness she detected in the blond’s tone. “But like I said, that’s it. Relationships are different in the Enchanted Forest. You don’t just date hundreds of people.”

Emma snorted. “You think I’ve dated hundreds of people?”

“You’re sweet, stunningly beautiful, a strange sense of humour but you certainly know how to make people smile. And dating multiple people is pretty common in your world isn’t it?”

Emma snorted again. “Sort of, although not hundreds. But no I didn’t” she hesitated for a moment, suddenly realising what Regina had said. “You think I’m  beautiful?”

Regina flushed a dark shade of red. “Don’t act like you don’t already know you are. You have half of Storybrooke fawning all over you, and the only reason the other half don’t is because they’re related to you in some way.” 

“Like you?”

Regina raised her eyebrows for a third time. “We’re not related Miss Swan.” 

“That wasn’t what I meant and you know it” Emma turned away from the road again, thankfully it was empty and they were driving in a straight line. But Regina refused to look at her as she spoke. 

“My question now?”

Emma shook her head. “No, you didn’t answer my question properly. Come on Regina tell me about this mysterious fifth person. I answered your question with a load of detail. Tell me who this guy was?”

“You are aware Miss Swan, that when you assume you make an ass out of you and me.” 

“Funny pun your majesty” Emma replied with a small smile and a roll of her eyes. “But what did I assume?”

“You asked me to tell you who the ‘guy’ was. You were assuming the person was male.”

“They weren’t?” Emma’s voice went up an octave in surprise. “You dated a girl?”

“Women” Regina corrected. “Well half woman, half dragon if you’re going to be technical about it.” 

Emma’s jaw dropped. “Malefecent? You dated Malefecent?”

“Dated? Not exactly. We were… how do they put it in this world? Friends with benefits? Like I said it was complicated. She was deranged, I was damaged… we weren’t exactly running for couple of the year. It was just a small fling to take me away from the misery of being at the palace with my husband and Snow. I helped her find herself again and in return she taught me more about magic. All kinds of magic” she finished with a small smirk and a blush. 

“Oh my god” was all Emma managed. 

Regina turned to her, face frowning a bit. “Is that a problem?”

“Sorry?”

“The fact I’ve been in a relationship of sorts with someone of the same gender?” 

“Oh hell no” Emma said quickly, shaking her head. “No been there done that. Not with hundreds of women, I’d just like to make that bit clear, but yeah…” 

Regina nodded, but she was no longer looking at Emma. Luckily the blond knew the former evil queen well enough to be able to work out what the problem was. “You’ve never told anyone about you two before, have you?”

“No” came a small voice that sounded very un-Regina like. 

Taking her right hand off the gear stick she took hold of Regina’s left. “Hey, you have nothing to be embarrassed or awkward about. I don’t know about in the Enchanted Forest but here it’s not really that big a deal. I mean some people still have a problem with it. But they’re just idiots. Either way I’m pleased you told me. You don’t have to hide anything Regina, not from me. I’m not going to judge.”

“And you won’t tell anyone?” Regina tilted her head to the side and looked up at Emma, obviously worried. 

“No, of course not” Emma squeezed her hand one more time before putting it back on her gear stick. “Whatever happens in this car, stays in this car.” 

“Thank you”

“You’re welcome” 

They drove in silence for a bit until Emma swore loudly and pulled over to the side of the road. “Flat tire. You might as well get out for a bit, this is going to take a few minutes.” 

Regina nodded and climbed out. Once the wheel was changed Emma sat down on the side of the road to get her breathe back and the brunette sat down next to her. 

“Did you really mean what you said earlier, about wanting to raise Henry with me?” 

“Yes, I did” 

Neither of them were speaking above a whisper although both were unsure why. There was a tension between them now. Emma leant against Regina’s shoulder and the former evil queen stiffened. “What are you doing?” 

“My neck aches.” 

“And you couldn’t find anywhere else to lean your head?”

“I guess I could have. Why? Am I making you uncomfortable?” 

“No. I’m just not used to someone choosing to come that close to me unless they’re trying to kill me. Well other than Henry” Regina admitted. 

“But you don’t mind?”

“No” 

“Would you mind if I kissed you?” 

Regina turned to look at her. “I don’t think so.”

So she did. 

THE END 

the signs as things they have texted me:
  • aries: "wind is so weird, it's just air moving around really fast"
  • taurus: "wine and variety cheeses are my passion"
  • gemini: "BIRD LAW"
  • cancer: : "I.... don't understand that sequence of emoticons."
  • leo: "wouldn't it be so much better if it was a gown instead of gone?"
  • virgo: "I should be done around 2. You can unleash a super whine at that point."
  • libra: "do you just hurl a fistful of them into the air and try to catch some in your mouth?"
  • scorpio: "never show these texts to anyone, people will think im horrible."
  • sagittarius: "who the fuck steals a juicer"
  • capricorn: "You can put your brain in another person..."
  • aquarius: "if i'm dead to you does that mean i can keep the stocking stuffers i bought you...?"
  • pisces: "i AM a cat. my ears are very soft."
Unflattering work rant to follow...

Tomorrow, I have to go to a work event and mingle and chat up a bunch of investors. I’m being a total grumpy jerk about it because it means (1) more schmoozing and I’ve already exceeded my quota this month, (2) dressing up, and (3) working until late and missing my regular Thursday gym class AND family dinner. 😑

But, frankly, the biggest reason I’m irritated is because I ONLY have to go because my boss–the one who gets paid “the big bucks” to do this kind of BS…well, we’ll just say that it’s not her strongest skill. So, the board insisted that she take me. Look, this will sound narcissistic, but I’m good at that kind of crap because I know people and as a total introvert, I learned long ago to treat those kinds of things as a game. I can even enjoy playing the game…occasionally and on my terms. But, after hours on a Thursday would never be my terms. I have zero career ambition beyond my current job. I don’t want my boss’ job–not even for ten times the “big bucks” she makes because my time and happiness are more valuable to me. I’m good at MY job. I put a lot of effort into MY job. But, I do resent having to do this for a superior. Development is too important an aspect of the executive director position in a small or mid-size non-profit for it to be that person’s weak point.

Alright. Rant over. Now you know I’m not always a nice person; I can also be a somewhat narcissistic asshat.

Alan Ashby smut

Hello everybody! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while:/ This was written by my friend placid-ash-sea if you want to go follow her[: remember to send me requests whenever!
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Description:
You and Alan have a 5 year old daughter named Azalea and you and Alan try and have sex while shes home and she walks in on you guys.

Warning: smut and fluff

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“Mommmmyyy, where is daddyyy?” Azalea whines as you prepare dinner. “He went to go get some cheese so mommy can finish dinner, sweety.” You said sweetly. She grumbled and walked off into the living room to watch TV again. About 15 minutes later you hear a car horn go off and Azalea shout “DADDY!” Alan walked into the kitchen from the garage with Az flying at him with her arms open. Alan picks her up and kisses her on the cheek and walks over to me and says “heres the cheese, babe” and smiles at you. “Daddy can we go to the pawk!!!” Az asks loudly. “Its late and mommys almost done with dinner, I’ll take you tomorrow after lunch. Sorry Lea.” Alan cuddles her in his arms while she pouts. “How about you go set the table Az?” You ask cheerfully. She agrees excitedly and sets the table.

While you finish off the food Alan comes behind you and wraps his arms around you and whispers “I have a surprise for you.” “What is it?” You ask. Your breathing hitched as he starts trailing his hands lower and lower down your stomach. “Alan stop..” Your growl lowly. “Stop what?” He smiles at you and kisses your cheek and takes the food to the table. ‘Little shit..’ You think as he walks away.

-Near the end of dinner-

“And he made me a valewentine!” Az says excitedly. “WHO?!” Alan slams his hand on the table and you and Az giggle. “Deryck! And he wanted me to ask if I can come over to visit him and Uncle Awstin!” She says. “Lea, boys are disgusting. I mean look at me!” Alan gestures to himself. “You don’t want to talk, touch, play, or even associate with a boy.” He says slightly sarcastically. “But daddddddddddyyy-” “You can go Lea, don’t listen to daddy” you giggle at Alan glaring at you. Az shouts “Yaaaaay!!!” And sticks her tounge out at Alan standing on her chair at this point making a “plllllhhh” sound with her tounge. “This dinner is officially over.” Alan announces dramatically.

After you clean everything up and Alan put Lea to bed, you went in your room to get changed. You heard the door close as you slipped your top off. Alan comes up behind you once again and says “So i guess were all gonna be anti-daddy tonight.” He chuckles. You laugh and slip one of his t-shirts on and slip your pants off leaving you in underwear. You straddle his lap on the bed. “Well daddy is funny when he acts dramatic.” You say. “But holy shit y/n what if they grow up and wanna date!” “Well… Theyre gonna date?” “NO Y/N NO NO NO! Youre missing the point!!!! Its AUSTINS child!” Alan says laughing. “Al, Austin isn’t THAT bad. He’s a gentleman and atleast if Deryck would fuck up Austin would let you beat his ass!” You laugh. Alan huffs and strips to his boxers and lays down. “HEY!” You yell at Alan. “Whaaaat y/n” “you’ve gotta finish what you started.” You say and you
Lay on top of him and kiss him. Alan holds your arms and slowly pushes you two up not breaking the kiss. He pulls your shirt off and starts kissing and biting your neck. When he finds your sweet spot you mumble his name and he works it for a minute or two before you push him off and do a repeat on him.“Fuck were done teasing” he says as he pulls his boxers off. You lay back on the bed as he hoovers you and skips down to your thighs and places a kiss on each one as he pulls your underwear down. Your breathing becomes erratic as he kisses your wet core. “Fuck Alan…” You look down at him and he looks up at you ask he licks along your slit and sticks his tongue in your tunnel. You start moaning loudly and Alan reaches up and covers your mouth and works on you even harder while you moan even louder into his hand. Right as you were about to reach your peak he pulls away and stands up. “On your fucking knees” you smirk and take your time getting down there and he gets really impatient and forces you down. You take his hard meat by the shaft and spit on it a few times before you take him in the mouth. After bobbing your head awhile he groans he reaches his peak and you pull away just as he did. He lifted you up on the bed and lined him self up and kisses you and mumbled an “I love you” before mercilessly slamming into you “GODDMAN FUCK ALAN SHIT.” He also let out a groan occasionally as he pounded into you. Then he flipped you on your front and got on the bed and started pounding into you again. And just as he was about to slap your ass- “DADDY NOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Az comes running up and hitting him as you both try covering yourselves up. “WHY WERE YOU HURTING MOMMY?!??” Az says slapping his arms as hard as her little arms could. Alan grabs her arms and holds her back. “Azalea Marie Ashby. Please stop.” Alan says calmly. You put your underwear and t-shirt on as fast as you could and picked her up taking her to her room so you could give Alan time to put some clothes on. You set Az in bed as she was crying into your side. “Azzy, its okay. Daddy didn’t hurt mommy.” You said soothingly while rubbing her back. “Then what were you doing?” She looks up to you and wipes her eyes. You blush at Az’s question. “Mommy and me were playing an adult game that you will learn about when you’re older.” Alan, dressed, pipes in walking in the room.Azalea looks at him unsurely and Alan offers her a hug. She looks skeptic but finally hugs him and says “I’m sorry I hit you daddy.” She whipers. “Its okay sweety, I love you, but now its bed time. So go to sleep. He tucks her in and kisses her fore head and stands in the door way. "Goodnight sweetheart, love you.” You kiss her head. “Goodnight mommy, I love you too.” You and alan walk back to your room and bust out laughing. “Never again! Next time were just taking her to Austins!” Alan laughs. “Oooohhh so she can be with Deryck?” You wink at him suggestively. “Shut up.” He says and glares at you as he drapes an arm over you. “Goodnight Alan, I love you.” “Night, love you too baby.”