can i have my toenail back

Fear Potion

TW: Mentions of sexual assault, attempted sexual assault.

Dear diary,

It’s been six months to the day since I was raped.

I still haven’t gone back to school, I’m doing it all from home. It’s easier so I don’t have to face him. I sometimes miss my friends, but at least there’s Facebook. Not many of them talk to me anymore. There’s a few that do but half of those treat me like I’m… different. I haven’t changed.

That’s a lie. A lot has changed. But I’m still Alex.

And I’ve finally picked up going to the survivor support group.

The leader’s name is Krissa. She’s nice. I told them my story. For once I felt no judgment. Even my mom seems critical of my every move.

I’ll keep going back.

I don’t know if I can survive this still.

I survived today though. That counts for something, at least.

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Lost It To Trying #2 - [EXO] Jongin CEO!Au

Originally posted by dazzlingkai

[A/N] The promised part two. 

Paper flying across the table. A stack of documents pushed off the edge as his assistant swallowed in nervous spit. “Again.” He commanded. His hooded eyes showed no mercy what so ever. Its been months now.

The thought of you and your vibrant presence at the bottom of every bottle. It clouded him ever since he realized what absence meant. “So this is what it feels like.” Her presence was strong, so her absence is pain. When he came in his stretched limousine, everything felt like everyday. Nothing exceptional. The long lines of employees anticipating his arrival at the curb. He let the iPad fell from his grasp in the car after he checked his schedules of the day. His assistant puts his flight to Frankfurt right after a meeting without leaving an hour gap-the gap he always demands.

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No regrets.

I get asked if I regret my surgery all the time. I don’t and I’m going to list the reasons why.

- I can travel now.
- I feel like I deserve more in my life now that I’ve improved my health.
- I am learning to love myself.
- I’m not scared to go out to eat with my friends because I know they’ll want a booth and I don’t know if I’ll fit.
- I’m more confident and while I have a long ways to go, I’m far more confident than I was even just a few months ago.
- I can jump rope again.
- I can cross my legs…twice. (Top part then wrap my lower leg around the other.)
- I can do a burpee now…they’re not fun but I can do them!
- I used to be embarrassed for my family. I was so scared that my family was embarrassed to introduce me as their daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, etc. They say they weren’t but it’s hard to shake that.
- I can walk long distances while visiting tourist attractions or walking through cities.
- I realize that I deserve a mutually respecting relationship and I ended the old one which wasn’t and found the most amazing man who has stuck with me through the last 80 lbs I’ve lost.
- I’m not always looking to see if I’m the largest person in the meeting/training/party.
- I’m not worried about seeing people I went to high school with.
- I can shop in “normal” sizes.
- I don’t have to McGyver up my pants when I pop a button or needed an extension. Although the round key rings worked wonders.
- I work with old people who are super honest and I no longer get called round or fat. I was recently told I looked healthy and beautiful.
- I have the heart rate of an athlete.
- I’m no longer worried that I’ll get diabetes like my grandmother or have a heart attack in my 30s like my grandfather.
- I no longer have to take Synthroid.
- I can ride rollercoasters again!
- I have the confidence to dress up for Halloween this year.
- Intimacy is 1000 times better.
- My boyfriend and I can both spoon on the couch.
- Chairs with arms no longer dig in and hurt my outer thighs.
- I can wear a belt now. The largest men’s belt used to be too small.
- I can stand in one leg of my fat pants.
- I can but bras at Victoria Secret.
- Clothes are MUCH cheaper now!
- I fit into an airplane seat and had excess seatbelt after pulling it tight.
- I take WAY more pictures now. I don’t hide from them which is great since I’m experiencing more!
- Physically able to hike or canoe or whatever else I want to try.
- My life is no longer run by food. Where can I hide this so no one else eats it, I’ll just eat it all now so no one else eats it, I’ll leave this in the car so no one else can eat it. I’ll order two drinks so they don’t know all this food is for me. How can I sneak extra without anyone seeing.
- I fit in the bathtub much better. Now more of me is under the water than out of the water!
- I can paint my toenails and tie my shoes without having to hold my breath.

I still have about 40 lbs to go but FUCK I am happy! I still struggle with body image issues and it’s hard to see my progress in the mirror at times. Yes I hate my vitamins, yes I miss some foods and get a little jealous when people go back for seconds, my stomach, thighs, arms and middle back look like shit with the extra saggy, wrinkly skin, my boobs are deflated and saggy and I struggle with my water intake but it’s all 100% worth it and I’m sure I’ll think of so many other positives after I hit post! ❤️

anonymous asked:

Just to put it out there...you always say that your tattoo will remind yourself to take risks and all...but how do you remind yourself when your tattoo is located on your back. I mean you have to turn your neck around to see it, it is often covered by your clothes and when you look in the mirror, people usually look at their face, not their backs. so if you really wanted to remind yourself about the message that your tattoo conveys then why not put it in a place where you can see it a lot better

Before I answer your question, I have a couple of questions for you. 

  • How do you remind yourself what your name is without a name tag? 
  • How do I know what color my toenails are painted even though I’m wearing shoes right now? 
  • How do you remember that you put underwear on underneath your pants without looking at it?? 
  • How do you remember what color your eyes are if you’re not looking in the mirror? 
  • How do you know the wind exists?!?

Just because I don’t see it every time I look in the mirror doesn’t mean I just forget it’s there. 

As someone who works in medicine I am well acquainted with the fact that the inability to see something does not mean it does not exist. 

I cannot run a blood test for depression, there is no MRI that will show me anxiety–but I can know it’s there. Just because I can’t see the MRSA living in someone’s wound doesn’t mean it’s not there. 

Yes, I chose to put the tattoo in a place that could be easily covered because, now spoilers, I WORK AT A HOSPITAL!! Lots of hospitals still have rules about visible tattoos. I didn’t want to have to always wear long sleeves or always wear pants or put a bandage over something so it wouldn’t be visible. My back will always be covered by any professional clothing so it just saves me the hassle of checking if it’s visible every time I put a shirt on in the morning. 

It is something I get to choose if I feel like sharing that day or not. It’s something I get to choose if I feel like sharing with someone else or not. That’s pretty fucking cool in my opinion. It’s what I wanted at this point in my life. I’m not saying I won’t eventually put a tattoo somewhere that will always be visible–but at this point in my life and in my career I wanted one that I could decide when and how to share it. 

Tattoos aren’t something you put on your body and forget about. 

If you think they are, you’ve clearly missed the point. We put tattoos on our body for a million reasons–one of those reasons is there’s something about ourselves we never want to forget. It’s simply an external symbol of an internal feeling. 

My tattoo is for me. 

Me.

No one else. 

I wanted it. No one talked me into it. No one else designed it. No one else had a say in what I did to my body. My body is my own damn temple–and I get to decorate it however I damn well please. 

So just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean I don’t reach up and touch my shoulder when I’m feeling afraid. Just because I can’t look down at it in the moment when I’m afraid to jump doesn’t mean I don’t think about it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t remind me to be strong.

You don’t need to see everything to know it exists.

I have a square jaw and a heart
not close to a heart. Toothaches
that remind me I can feel twelve
again, capable of spitting out words
like watermelon seeds, as far as a kiss
to the cheek goes, and as close as a hug
can ever last. Breathe. My mom
would say. After running in a living room
marathon. After pretending I can be anything
I want from a frog, to a princess
to a toenail moon, to the sound of footsteps
on the stairway of our house and back.
Breathe, she’d say, after you hand me
all the poems I wrote for you
like returning a present after you find
an amputated arm, and blood.
You wrote it tragically, you say. And I didn’t
understand how it was too much for you
to understand. Because when you came
I was happy enough to let all that sadness
out, pretend I’m spitting watermelon seeds
as easily again, pretend that they actually grew
into something other than red. And that you,
you loved me not just because you can
but because you actually could
when sadness comes.
—  Kharla M. Brillo, Sad Seeds and Sad Hearts.

The Pedicure

221B Baker St.

Sherlly: (greeted Molly with the big smile) Aunt Molly!!!

Molly: (kissed the girl’s cheek) Hello, love. Are you having fun with Uncle Sherlock?

Sherlly: (nodded repeatedly) Yeah!! I am a beauty salon owner today. See?

Molly: Ah…I see. Can I play with you?

Sherlly: Yes, but you might have to wait a bit. I am very busy now; with Miss Holly’s pedicure. (Whispered) She is quite a difficult client though.

Sherlock: (To Sherlly) Are we done yet? I do not want to be late on the first date.

Sherlly sighed heavily and went back to work. She decided to put a very pink color nail polish toy on Sherlock’s toenails.

Molly: (chuckled) Oh…my poor little pumpkin. (to Sherlock) How do you do, Miss Holly?

Sherlock: (put his paper down and grinned warmly) How do you do, Mrs.Holmes?

====================
My little one shot….after sometimes.
xoxox

Nuchamae

[Ereri 365 Project] Day 148 : Nails

Eren watches quietly while Levi sits on the couch, meticulously cutting and filing each of his fingernails before smearing this oily stuff that looks like it’s in a nail polish bottle on each one.

He sits down and continues watching as Levi moves on to his toenails, using the same process.

“Is there a particular reason you’re staring at me, brat?”

Eren jumps, not having expected him to speak. “What?”

Levi looks up. “You’re staring?”

“It’s nothing, you’re just really neat.”

“I practically kick your when you don’t clean up after yourself and you tell me I’m neat now?”

Eren rolls his eyes. “It’s just that you’re even neat with things like this, I can never cut my nails even.”

Levi finishes the last of his toenails. “You want me to do them for you?”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

Levi shrugs and gets up. “I’ll be right back.”

He brings in a basin of soapy hot water and a bottle of rubbing alcohol with a few Q-tips.

“Put your feet in the water,” he says. “Technically I shouldn’t cut your nails when they’re wet but I’m making the exception ‘cause your feet have to be clean before I touch them.”

Eren pit his feet in the water and watched silently as Levi puts alcohol on a Q-tip and starts wiping down the blade part of his nail cutters. He picks up Eren’s hand. “Goddamn you have dry skin,” he mutters. “Hold on, I’m getting lotion.”

Eren makes a face, muttering, “This always happens when it gets cold outside.”

Levi nods, bringing back his lotion to put on Eren’s hands. “Dry skin is common in winter, it’s fine.”

Levi starts by cutting Eren’s nails, then filing them, and then moves on the putting that oily stuff on them. “What’s that?” Eren asks.

“Moisturizer,” Levi replies. “When I was in college, I had such a poor diet my nails started drying up without this stuff. Obviously I eat better now so they won’t dry out without it but I think they look better with it.”

Eren nods slowly and watches as Levi squeezes some lotion onto his palm and starts massaging his hand, making sure to get some on the gaps between his boyfriend’s fingers.

He repeats the process for the other hand before draping a towel across his lap. “Okay, give me your foot,” Levi says.

He makes a face at how long Eren’s toenails are. “Sorry,” Eren whines. “But I always cut them too short and they hurt.”

Levi shakes his head. “It’s because you cut them round,” he says. “If you cut them flat the sides won’t cut into your toe as much as they grow.”

Eren nods and watches as Levi dries his foot more thoroughly and starts cutting and filing the nails. He’s gentler with Eren’s feet than he’d been with Eren’s hands so Eren leans back and relaxes while Levi works.

When Levi’s done with Eren’s nails, he starts massaging his feet and Eren blushes. Levi cocks an eyebrow at him. Eren moans quietly.

Suddenly Levi locks eyes with and brings Eren’s foot up to his face, placing a kiss on the end of his big toe. Eren bucks his hips slightly and Levi’s eyes widen. “You have a foot fetish don’t you?” he asks quietly.

Eren nods, still blushing, trying to will his sudden boner away. Levi picks up his other foot to massage that one as well before dropping both of Eren’s feet on the couch and getting up to put all his things away. “You’re just gonna leave me here like this?” Eren asks, pouting.

Levi turns slowly, smirking. “Darling if we do this now, this shit won’t get cleaned up until tomorrow.” He walks into the hallway, swaying his hips slightly. “Plus I need a cigarette.”

Eren just groans and sinks into the couch. Levi’s such a tease.