Self, everything is okay now. You don’t have to worry anymore. I know you are tired for everything that you’ve done. It’s okay to have some rest, you deserve it. You’ve done enough. I know you did the best you can just to make other people happy. You gave them your pieces just to make them whole again. You never left their side even if some of them pushed you away. It’s okay now. You can now sleep. You don’t have to overthink about what will happen tomorrow, cry every night, or hurt yourself. The pain is now over for you. Please remember that I am happy because we met, and I will never forget you. Close your eyes now. It’s okay. Till next time , my friend.
as per a certain lil bean (@kimnatozaki)’s request, here’s my very short cover of knock knock! I’m still learning so it’s not the full thing and there’s parts of the melody I’m not happy with just yet but here you go :D (ps. I’m sorry but I think you can hear a car horn a few times through the chorus oops 🙊)
This is super personal and takes a lot for me to post this because I’m so self conscious about it.
This is why I don’t like when people say I’m “perfect”, Because I know in the back of my head I’m hiding things for everyone.
Today I ended up becoming so STRESSED I basically pulled out my entire eyebrow…. little messed up sounding right!?
People are good at hiding their insecurities and imperfections but on the inside they can feel completely broken. Anyone who is going through something mentally is fighting a war with their self and I don’t think there’s any harder battle than that because when does it end?
Some days you’re perfectly capable and other days you want to hide or fall through the cracks or break down. Putting on a smile infront of strangers or in public when you really want to cry is draining.
We don’t even understand our own self descriptive behaviours because if we did we wouldn’t be doing it or doing everything we knew to prevent it.
On some deep inner consciousness we are creating these habits for a reason and until we figure what that is we live with many harmful actions. This goes for any type of disorder out there.
All we can do is keep working on being aware of what we’re doing and really focus, we want to heal and feel better. ❤️
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the times that i hurt you. I’m sorry that i always make you cry and i did not do anything to wipe them away. I’m sorry because i keep on hurting you. I know that sometimes i mean it but i can’t help myself, i am hurting you and i don’t know how to stop. I always treat you as my option, leave you whenever i want then comes back when i need you. I’m sorry for always making you feel that you are not worth it. I’m sorry for all the times that you are alone and you needed me but i was not there. I’m sorry if i keep on making you love me more when i can’t even give you even just a small amount of that love. I’m sorry for turning my back on you when all you did is to hold my hand so tight. I’m sorry, for not saying sorry before. I’m sorry if sometimes you think that you are not enough. I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I hope my sorry can make you feel better. I hope my sorry can put back the pieces of your broken heart. I’m sorry if this is too late. I’m sorry for not realizing everything and your love for me. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for always putting you in so much pain and i was not even there by your side to lessen the pain. I’m sorry for takif away your happiness. I’m sorry if you’ve spent your time and love to someone like me and got nothing in return but a broken heart. I’m sorry because i now realize that i love you but i can’t have you back.
7 hours of sobbing in the bathroom, trying not to throw up.
actually throwing up.
flashbacks to traumatic events.
one side of yourself saying “death will get rid of the memories” and the other side making excuses not to.
being unable to sleep in fear of dreaming about said traumatic events
being unable to be around anything that even slightly reminds you of said traumatic event
tensing up and feeling ill when someone even vaguely mentions anything related to the traumatic event you experienced, trying your best to avoid crying about it.
why am i crying? this is irrational, it wont happen again. why does this hurt so much. why can’t i just forget. this is all in my head. stop thinking about it. stop thinking about it stop thinking about it.
likely caused by post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or other serious stress causing disorders.
nightmares waking you up at three in the morning and trying to keep yourself together just long enough to get back to sleep because you have classes to attend in the morning.
shaking and trying to keep it together in public as you’re crytyping when you’re venting to a friend because all you want is to get it off your chest, whether or not anyone can even understand what you’re trying to get across.
you know this thing you love doing that’s completely unrelated to trauma? you experienced a vague flashback while doing it so now you can’t do it again out of fear you’ll have worse flashbacks.
completely forgetting who you are and being completely numb.
maybe if I hurt myself in this way, I’ll stop hurting in that way.
stuttering and having a difficult time breathing as you try to ask someone not to bring up the subject again. Being too loud or being too quiet as you try to hide the fact this is extremely distressing.
something you need professional help and therapy to “get over”
i went to a tøp concert tonight and the show was absolutely incredible but at the end of the night my sister wouldn't stop yelling at me and i can't stop crying because she never lets me have any happy memories and i was so close and i don't know what to do
i would go with someone better than her next time, sorry you gotta deal with that, i hope you have some amount of good memories from the show before she did that
hello there.. me.. handsome as always~ yep! also love the puns i cry every time because of them! oh, i gotta question for you, ok so do any of the boys like you?? like in a romantic way?? just curious ((omg u my friend are so adorable i cant even-- i really like your art!))
Jin: *blushes a bit* I’ve never really thought about anything like that. Kekekeke
Yoongi: *dies from how handsome Jin looks*
//Q/////A////Q Ah! TYSM- I can die happy because you’ve told me that omg- My art is so messy like- ?!?!?! I get the head proportions all wrong and shtuff- Q////Q I hope this was ok TT I’m running on no sleep due to show choir stuff I do at my church. I would’ve added more but I had to choose either Yoonjin or Namjin. Tbh I’m a fan of both so it was hard. >< Again thank you! You make sure to get rest and eat well!~ <3 -Kit
Sometimes I just scream at a wall whenever you post because they make me so warm and fuzzy or I can relate to certain characters in many ways. So that I don't feel alone *bows* Thank you for being born, okay? <33
“THANK YOU FOR BEING BORN” ADSHJFHJDS WHATTTT NOOOOO THIS IS SO CRAZY NICE WHAT!!! HOW
but seriously wtfffff this influx of nice anons is making me so confused but also my heart is so happy so i’m not really questioning it. i love you all so much, thank you for sending me this ;_; i needa go cry nao
It’s been three months since I fucked up. Ninety two damn days without seeing her smile, without hearing her voice, without her words. I haven’t been the same. How can I be that little girl’s dad? No wonder she doesn’t want her around me. I can’t stay like this much longer. Steph won’t answer the phone, Y/N, sure as hell won’t answer it. I don’t even think she’s still staying with Sooyoung. I haven’t heard a thing from any of them.
I sit in the studio day in and day out, trying to keep my cool but it never works. I always end up crying myself to sleep because I miss her so much. The picture in my office of us wasn’t helping me out at all. I was in my office sitting in my chair, more memories floated through my mind.
“What the hell!”
“You could have killed Sunghwa! What the fuck is your problem?! Stop being so fucking jealous of Sunghwa!”
“How can I not?! Every time I see you, you’re with some other guy. You think I didn’t see you with Wooyoung?! Who the hell do you want?! Is it Wooyoung or Sunghwa?!’”
“…Do you know how much it hurts me to see you with another man? I can’t stand it. It’s killing me. I just feel like I’m fucking up so much. I can’t lose you a second time.”
“I’m not with Wooyoung nor am I with Sunghwa. I’m with no one. Leave Sunghwa alone. Do it for me. Okay?”
“I can’t when I still love you.”
“Why the hell are you protecting him?! Move Y/N!”
“No! I’m not letting you hurt your friend over me, Jay!”
I can’t just sit around anymore and wait for something to happen. I have to do something or nothing will chance.
“WHAT?! YOU CAN’T! Y/N! I know you’re upset with everything, but you can’t!” Steph shouted. “You can’t stop me!”
I’m leaving Korea. I came to the decision last night. I can’t stay here anymore. Not that he knows. I don’t plan on ever coming back. It’s just too much trouble right now. Stephanie was trying to guilt trip me into staying. She wants Jay to accept that he’s a father and try to be be Seulgi’s dad. But I refuse to let him. I’m protecting the both of them this way. I’m saving Jay’s career by not pushing him into Seulgi’s life. And I’m protecting Seulgi by not letting her see what her dad father does for a living. And Steph doesn’t understand that.
“What about Jay? Don’t you think he deserves to be in her life?! He’s her father!”
“Don’t you think if he wasn’t some asshole with girls always hanging off his shoulder I would let him be her father?!” I screamed back. Steph only stared at with. She could see the hurt in my eyes.
“You still love him, don’t you?”
I couldn’t answer. I was too riled up. I walked into my room and slammed the door shut. I slid down the door and tried to control the tears that were now falling.
Mommy slammed the room door. She must be really upset. I was watching from the kitchen. Girls? Aunt Steph groaned and ran into her room. I looked on the counter and saw Mommy’s phone. I climbed on the chair and grabbed it. I typed in the password which was my birthday. April 25. 04/25/09. I went to contact and searched for my father’s name. Park Jaebeom. Why can’t my last name be Park. Park Seulgi. I like it. Does Mommy not like that? What happened between them?
I found it and sent a text message. “Meet me at the park by Sooyoung’s apartment. I need to talk to you.” I tried my best to sound like Mommy. I think I nailed it. I grabbd my backpack and rushed out the door, shutting the door quietly so Mommy and Aunt Steph can’t hear it. I ran for the park.
Once I got there, I sat on the bench holding Mommy’s phone. I watched a little girl and her parents on the swing set. The little girl and her mother were on the swings. The dad was pushing the both of them. The mother’s smile was very bright. The little girl’s laughter was heard all around the park. I saw a familiar car pull up. It was his car! He got out and looked around. We made eye contact and his eyes widened. He ran over to me. “Seulgi! What are you doing here by yourself?! Where’s your mother?”
“I sent the text.” I admitted jumping off the bench. I hug him tightly. “Daddy.”
I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do. How did she get her mother’s phone. There’s no way in hell she knows that Seulgi is in this park alone. She’ll kill me. “Seulgi, we need to get you home-” “No! I want spend time with, Daddy.” She squeezed tighter around my thighs. I squatted to her level. “Do you mean that? I don’t want you to be in trouble.” “I don’t want to believe what Mommy says about you. Spend time with me to prove her wrong.”
What does she say about me to? Is it all bad? I picked Seulgi up and put her on my waist. “You’re very heavy!” I joked kissing her cheek. Her laughed holding on to me tightly. Her laughter brought a smile to my face. Is this what it’s like to be a father. “How about we go get some ice cream?” She nodded her head and put it on my shoulder. I wrapped her legs around my waist to make she didn’t fall. We made our way to the a nearby ice cream parlor. I got us both a cone and we sat in one of the booths.
“Well, Seulgi. Is there anything you want to know or?” She nodded and pulled out a locket. Y/N’s locket that I got her for one of her birthdays. I remember that. She promised she’d wear it forever. Seulgi opened it and revealed the picture inside. “Did you give Mommy this?” “I did. She promised me she’d wear it forever. I’m just glad she kept it.” Tears were forming at the thought of the memory. Seulgi got out and sat next to me. She wrapped her little arms around me and pulled me into a hug. “Don’t cry, Daddy. Mommy and I still love you very much.” I couldn’t tell if that true or not, but I decided to just believe it. “Appa, can I see you work?”
“You wanna see me work?” She nodded and let go of me. “Okay. Finish your ice cream and maybe you can.” I watched her try to it her ice cream fast. “Slow! I don’t want you to get a brain freeze!”
Gosh, I’ve only been her actual parent for about 20 minutes and I sound as if I’ve been there her whole life. She obeyed and slowed down. Is this what it’s like being a parent? “Daddy! I’m finish!” “Great. Now go throw your trash away. And we’ll head to the studio.” She jumped out of her seat and threw away all of the trash. She must be really excited about going to the studio. No one I know has ever been excited to go to studio that doesn’t work there. I paid for the ice cream, grabbed Seulgi’s hand and walked out the parlor to the studio.
I sighed and unlocked the door. I looked around the living room. It seemed pretty quiet. Too quiet. “Steph! Where’s Seulgi?” “I thought she was with you!” She yelled through her bedroom door. “I thought she was with you. Wait! Where’s her backpack? Where’s my phone?” The door was unlocked. But it was locked earlier. Oh no! No no no! I grabbed my hoodie, slipped it on quickly and rushed outside. I ran down the sidewalk screaming her name. “SEULGI! SEULGI! SEULGI! SEULGI! Mommy’s sorry! SEULGI! SEULGI! Please come home! SEULGI!” As I screamed, tears were forming. I’ve never lost her before. It’s my biggest fear, just like it was my mom’s biggest fear to lose any of her children. Damn it! I’m such a failure! Maybe she’s at Sooyoung’s. I ran to her apartment and asked her if she saw her. She said no. I ran to the park nearby and she wasn’t there either. I began asking around, luckily I had a picture of her in the pocket of my hoodie.
We walked hand in hand into the studio. “Yo! It’s Jay!” I heard Joon Kyung’s voice. I looked up and saw some of my closest friends walking up toward me. Seulgi let go of my hand and hid behind my legs. “Who’s the kid?” Sik K asked. I smiled and looked down to see Seulgi tensed up, holding my legs. “Guys! This is my daughter, Seulgi.” I said proud. “Daughter?!” They all repeated. “JAY YOU HAVE A KID?!”
I nodded. “Seulgi-ah, they don’t bite.” I reassured her. “You promised, Daddy?” “Daddy promises sweetie.” She let go of my leg and moved to left to let everyone see her. “Be nice or I’ll kill you all!”
Finished! How was it? Did you enjoy it? Here’s the next chapter. Thanks for reading. Admin Kai and Admin June
@people who don’t want to see SHINee unless they are in P1/P2. Why? Literally explain me why? I need reasons because Idols don’t usually come to América and for me who lives in México its really frustrating that they are so near yet SO SO far away, i would accept any place in the venue!
Because i know it might the last time they give a concert as five in US and Canada in a long time bcs of the enlisting.
You could listen, you would say you are there taking part of the ocean they come to see and it brings then SO MUCH happiness, taking part in the fanchants, listening to them and not only meeting new shawols but also the whole concert atmosphere, just being there, being able to listen to them, wouldn’t it be amazing?
SHINee has said before its SHINee and SHAWOL who make the concert, who scream and jump, without us there the concert cannot happen. SHINee works hard so all of us can see them. Buy the tickets its worth it guys. I want one but i cannot get one, yet you arent buying one just because you arent gonna be next to them? Come on.
Wherever you are its you who makes it AM unforgettable memory, its you who decides to keep it in your heart, the dim lights and the aqua ocean. Its gonna be unforgettable as long as you want it to, as long as you sing along there with them instead of in your laptop, they will treasure it too.
It’s fucking worth it.
Make a SHINee full house, make the venue Pearl aqua for them ok?
its SHINee for a reason, the double ee, its because they give AND receive light, we hold lightsticks don’t we, we are giving them our light, right? Let’s show them how much we love them, how much we shine for them.
Let’s show that its because they shine so much that we can shine even brighter and iluminate their path
Whelp. It’s a couple of weeks post chemo. My B cells are nuked. I’m getting sick for the first time and despite cold meds, my nose is stuffed up. Every position I get in to that allows me to breath makes my heart skip every third or fourth beat.
Oh my gosh I cannot even begin to describe just how horribly disconcerting THAT is, especially since I’ve already had one hypoxic seizure due to this fucking atrial flutter. That, btw, would be the seizure that broke my back.
So basically my choice is keep waking up because I can’t breathe and start to choke on my own snot, or breath and wake up constantly because my heart periodically stops periodically and can’t decide if it wants to just stop all together only to realize it fell behind and best twice as fast.
I’m honestly not sure which is worse. They are both sensory hell.
Is crying an option? Then it won’t matter if get snot all over me bc that’s what you do when you cry. I’m going to go cry now.
I get so jealous because I see so many beautiful people on tumblr who are bigger than me and so confident and I can't even wear a bloody tank top without crying over how much I hate my arms. I'm scared no one that I want will want me and I'll be forced to settle due to loneliness. I don't see anyone who looks like me in this community and it's so heart breaking
I wish you’d get that top. Wear it. Take a picture of it. Show all what you think is “ugly” and submit it to us. We will let you know how beautiful you are!
I’d love to see you creating the representation that you can’t see or find. I’d love to see you being that representation for people who look like you.
- mod Guillermo
freewood, any au (maybe not fahc......) im love crying love confessions so mayb one of those??? :0 - ry gaywood
Freewood // Confession of love // 12 Sentences
“I wish I didn’t have to leave,” Gavin whispered into Ryan’s robes as the two tightly embraced. Ryan took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut.
“This past month has been truly wonderful, Gavin.” Ryan cleared his throat, slowly pulling away so that he could hold the young jester by his shoulders at arm’s length. “But you must return to your own kingdom now with King Geoff.”
Gavin sighed, looking up at Ryan forlornly, but he nodded. “Saying goodbye is never fun,” he mumbled, taking a step backward. Ryan let his arms fall back to his sides and watched as Gavin turned and began to walk toward the carriages where Geoff and his knights were waiting, head hung low.
“I love you,” Ryan blurted out after him. Gavin jumped and spun back around in surprise, eyes wide. And for just a second, King Ryan did not care about who was watching or how improper his feelings towards the other man might be.