I am resentful and I have good reason to be, though I know I direct that resentment at the wrong people sometimes. Lately I find it hard to relate to the appeal of self-medication, of self-destruction: the poetry of how good it can feel to hurt.
I do not have the privilege to spiral anymore. I sit or I stand or I sink down on both knees but I never lay down. I do not indulge. I do not lash out. I do not speak up. I do not cry.
I wake up early and get my nephew his chocolate milk and I wash the dishes by hand while I pray for things I shouldn’t.
I no longer have the instinct to fight or flee. I only know how to endure.
So my writing warm up
today wasn’t so self-indulgent that I feel like I can’t share it with anyone so
here have it
“You’re doing the
thing where you’re thinking when you’re not supposed to be able to,” Han said,
arm wrapped firm around Luke’s shoulder as if he could prevent the other from disappearing
into his thoughts by touch alone.
“Sorry,” Luke said,
tilting his head so he could meet Han’s eyes and leaned up to press a kiss to
the underside of his chin. “I’ll stop.”
He didn’t. “I can see
the wheels turning in your head kid. What’s up?”
“I’m not a kid
It was true but Han
knew Luke hardly minded the nickname hanging around. “You’re avoiding. What’s
Luke looked up at him
again and Han saw more of the Jedi Master in his eyes then he liked when they
were naked and snuggling. “What do you think of having another kid?”
“Why? You pregnant?”
Sure he already had Ben and he loved him as much as he couldn’t understand him
half the time. That didn’t mean he was against the idea of another exactly.
“No. Don’t worry about
it.” Luke returned his attention to the far wall and Han realised how his words
probably sounded to it.
“I didn’t- I’m not
against the idea. Just, you didn’t want a kid. Why the sudden change of heart?”
He had brought his hand up to comb through Luke’s hair but the other still seemed
to be focusing somewhere else. “Come on, tell me what’s going through that
pretty head of yours kid.”
“I’m having visions,”
Luke said after a minute of silence. “I’ll turn a corner and see her running
through the halls or I’ll wake at night to a baby’s cries.”
“And you think she’s
ours?” He knew enough about the visions Luke sometimes got to know they were
maddingly vague more often than not.
“I’ve seen her Han.
She looks like she’s ours.”
“Right.” Han’s hand
wrapped around Luke moving to gently rub against his side as his brain
comprehended the fact that the Force was so interested in his potential future daughter
it was sending Luke vision of her.
“Don’t worry about it,
they’ll pass.” Han knew Luke too well to miss the disappointment in the words.
“Hey, no, look at me.”
Luke thankfully did so. “I’m not against the idea. Just – is this something you
want or something you feel like you got to do?”
“You wouldn’t be
asking me that if you had seen her.” Luke’s eyes gained the distracted edge to
them again, but Han was pretty sure it wasn’t the Force that was distracting
him. At least not exactly.
“Then yes. Sure. I’ll
have another one. I haven’t managed to completely fuck up Ben. If you want her
I’ll do it again.” It was a bit strange to already know the gender of his child
before she was even conceived but Han had been dealing with Force-users long
enough that he was used to strange.
“Yes, I do.” There was
an excitement in Luke’s eyes that reminded Han so much of the farm-boy he had
picked up on Tatooine and Han knew that Luke wanted this. “If you’re sure that
“Yeah, I’m sure,” Han
said, leaning down to kiss Luke. He wondered what their daughter was going to
look like and resolved to ask Luke later. Right now though, he had an idea in
mind that involved very little conversation.
That's it. That's all I'm gonna be talking about for months. The Lotor and Kolivan comic literally broke my heart like I'd be sobbing like a madman if I wasn't in public oh my god. I actually headcanoned them as brothers before I saw this BUT NOPE NOT ANYMORE this is all I'm gonna want for the next six months. Ohhh my god it hurts... you cruel, cruel person, why are you so wicked.?
Oh my goooshh thank you so much!! I can never get enough of people saying these things about my silly self indulgent ideas
“It’s because, without your bravery in the face of all that’s happened to you, without your constant scheming behind my back, without that fire of hatred and contempt and hope in your eyes when you look at me…” He hissed out a breath. “In the shadow my father has cast over my entire life, you are the only light I can see anymore. And, whatever the cost, I refuse to let that light be extinguished.”
Hey again... Could you do some self indulgent cuddles? Like. They cuddle right after a really bad expedition?
The frown on Levi`s face made Eren`s heart clench. It wasn`t his normal “I hate everyone” frown, it was a “I can`t do this anymore” kind of frown. It had good reason to be there, the expedition went horribly wrong, half their troops were lost, too many other wounded to be grateful for, it was all a mess and Levi had seen it too many times.
Eren had thought maybe he`d want some space, but the slight inclination of his head urged Eren to follow after him instead. He did so silently, he didn`t know what to say, sorry always felt cliche, are you okay would have been stupid, and he wasn`t going to say everything was okay because Levi hated lying. So he just trailed Levi up into his room, even as Levi stopped near the door he walked further into the room.
He expected him to say something as he shut the door behind him, go on to spill all his feelings and whatnot, instead he walked to his bed, sad, sad frown still in place, and plopped down heavily at the foot of it. Eren shifted from foot to foot, unsure of what was expected of him, Levi hadn`t said a word since they`d returned to HQ and still hand`t said anything now. The boy got his answer when Levi silently held out his arms to him,
“I need a hug.” He said. Eren let a small smile grace his lips and quickly flung himself into Levi`s body, making him flop back onto the mattress. He buried his face into his chest, sighing deeply in contentment. Levi nuzzled the side of his neck and ran his hands through his hair, the two just lay there in one another`s embrace, taking comfort in the other`s presence and safety.
Eren pretended he didn`t feel his captain`s body shaking with quiet sobs or his salty tears seeping into his shoulder, he didn`t say a word. He just kept holding him, rubbed his back comfortingly and kept his own tears at bay.
i want to eventually make Serkona a gijinka but literally all i can see when i picture her is a Dishonored Whaler™ but Green. i mean that’s the exact vibe i was going for but in the end i just fucking played myself.
- I’m a failure Guzma… Anything I try to do, I do it wrong! I can’t get along with anyone at the Team, they may see me as a friend buy I just can’t do the same! I’m always jealous of what most of them do! I… Being here hurts me more than anything… Why you keep me around? I… I can’t anymore…-
-Spicy… No… I mean, Alba… Here… I… I’m so sorry I didn’t realize, I’ve been so busy being me, trying to help the others I neglected you… Please, forgive me and give the Team another chance… Give me another oportunity to help you… Just don’t leave…-
More self-indulgent art based on some stuff at a discord Team Skull chat. When I self ship I do it with plenty of angst cos my life sucks IRL I shall do the same with my self-inserts. What I wrothe above is pretty much my personal feelings towards a Team Skull Discord I’m a member of… Guzma’s text is my self-infulgent bit actually.
Those aren’t sharp teeth, Guzma got them broken at some point in his life, and intead of repairing them he got a gold fang lmao. Not happy with Spicy’s face but whatever.
Sketch done in MyPaint, colors on FireAlpaca and high edit on GIMP
Reverse NEET AU - In which the sextuplets are conventionally well-adjusted adults, and the Girlymatsus are a bunch of NEET friends living together in an apartment, Princess Jellyfish-style. I view the Matsus as having the jobs suggested in the first otome game commercial though I can’t figure for the life of me how Oso could be a salaryman or how Kara could become an idol.
Birth Order AU - Totty finally becomes free of his tyrannical niisans! Because now he’s the niisan and they’re the little brothers! This AU basically reverses the birth order - with it becoming Totty, Jyushi, Ichi, Choro, Kara and Oso - and is a study on how it might affect their personalities. As the eldest, Totty can’t be as vulnerable anymore, Oso might not be as dependant on his bros, etc.
RPG AU - My self-indulgent take on a very cliche, but beloved idea. Oso is a rogue, Kara is a bard, Choro is a knight, Ichi is a druid, Jyushi is a barbarian, and Totty is a ranger. Choro-centric, with our green boy deciding to become a knight because it’s the most desired ‘job’ in their society (similar to how he wants to become a salaryman just because it’s what ‘successful’ people are), and his quest to improve himself.
Under the cut are more of the fanfictions I considered MOST underappreciated by the fandom. Or the ones I’ve found myself and not through a fic rec blog.
Sizing Up Your Storm Clouds:
Louis has been looking after Tessa since he was sixteen. Harry’s a man in a business suit who has loved his daughter’s babysitter for three whole years. (daddy kink)
It’s All Brand New Because of You (***) : It’s nearing six o’clock in the evening, and despite the fact that it’s summer, the aquarium has emptied out considerably and it’s quiet as Louis wanders the exhibits. A few people try to ask him questions as he wanders, but Louis knows less about the creatures in the tanks than they do, so he keeps having to apologize and explain that he’s just a counselor, not a biologist.AKA, Louis starts a new job as a summer camp counselor at the local aquarium and Harry is a biologist who really likes teaching people about the ocean.
Imprisoned in my heart (***):
Louis Tomlinson never imagined that his psychology degree would land him a job in prison. Neither did he expect that he would form such an instant and irreversible connection with Harry Styles, a boy haunted by the memory of the crime he committed. Louis never expected that they could come to need each other so much, or that he could ever fall for someone who had done such a terrible thing. But can love escape through the bars of a cell?
Hisoka reacting to the discourse over his sexuality...
-chuckles- “I was actually waiting for someone to ask me this~
Usually, I don’t like wasting my time on such triviality and stupidity, but I was forced to notice the war in the HxH fandom so while waiting for my toys to ripen so that I can have the pleasure of killing them, I suppose I can indulge a little on this matter~
It is so amusing and alluring to see you young people having this silly war over someone like me. Why can’t anyone get along on this sight anymore?
So these are the points that I will address because they are the ones that cause me such worry~
1) “Hisoka is totally gay.”
And in what world did I ever call myself that? It’s funny how you all think you know me only to label me whatever you wish for your own self gratification. Of course you can headcanon me however you want, that is not my problem. I am Hisoka the Magician. I have no time to doddle on someone’s fantasy when I could be bathing in delicious blood.
But if you were to headcanon me that way, then you are not allowed to attack a person who headcanons me as ‘heterosexual’ or I will see to it that I end your life for your hypocrisy~
2) “Hisoka wants to fuck Killua/Illumi/Chrollo.”
Hmm? -snickers- I feel bad for those out there who have trouble with reading comprehension and interpretation, but I only remember wanting to fight and eventually, give dearest Killua, Illumi and Danchou a beautiful death. In fact, I had completely forgotten about even fighting Chrollo until he got his nen back~
As for the person I want to spend tantalizing and passionate nights with, there had only been one and that person is, of course, beloved Machi~
3) “Hisoka used that lewd hand gesture on Killua so that means he wants to do him!”
Eh? Hand gesture? You youngsters remember the most funny and absurd things. I might have done that supposed hand gesture as a joke, but I most certainly forgot about it. Shouldn’t you people who pay attention to canon know me by now? I don’t care to remember faces I fought let alone something like a hand sign. -chuckles-
4) “Hisoka is bisexual/pansexual!”
Again with the labeling; I am utterly insulted! Perhaps I should just kill everyone on this site altogether and be done with it. -licks lips-
I could easily tell you what I truly am, but where would be the fun in that?
5) “Hisoka dresses femininely and flamboyantly so he must be gay! That is the culture in Japan!”
Oh my…I am so disappointed that for one’s self gratification, you lot have been reduced to not only spreading false information on Japan, a country where I am from, but also stereotyping.
I can’t believe I have to correct this for my own country’s sake not that I care all that much anyway. -chuckles- I am not one to follow trends and such… But the fashion and culture in the current Northeast and Southeast Asia is for men to look as beautiful and attractive as they can regardless of sexuality.
Use one’s race and culture again for your fantasies and I will not hesitate to slit your throat for your ignorance~
And I will end this ask with the above parting words. Adieu!”
They stop for the night in Rock Springs, Wyoming on their way back home. If it were just Dean, he probably would have pushed it and kept going all twenty hours back to Kansas with a busted shoulder and stinging pain all up and down his body, but Sam reminded him that showing up at the bunker half dead and dying probably wouldn’t endear Cas to the idea of ever staying back and resting when he needs it again.
Also, with the state his baby is currently in, Dean’s worried she might not be able to handle the drive without a little break herself.
They get a motel instead of just pulling up in some seedy ass parking lot, because Dean reasons his baby deserves the rest stop. He also probably could use actually getting some sleep, too, but Dean doesn’t really want to dwell on the idea of sleep much recently. It’s hard to get much out of his already meagre four hours when all he can see flashing before his eyes is memories of Cas lying bloody on the library floor. Sam, though, he could really use the nap time, so Dean gives in and pulls up into the lot of the Rock Springs Inn.
He lets Sam check in, and takes the opportunity of being alone to call Cas.
THIS IS WHAT IS WORKING FOR ME!!! None of this is revolutionary - actually, it’s on pretty much most every diet blog advice, but that’s cause it’s what works for a lot of people. Of course, some of this advice will not be possible for you due to your own life situation, so you know best (my roommate for example can’t count calories bc it starts very unhealthy, destructive habits and thinking for her, so that’s something she’s not gonna explore, and that’s totally valid).
1. Count your calories. Honestly, that’s tantamount - you gotta know what you’re eating. I’m being very careful with mine, even going as far as buying a kitchen scale to know exactly how much stuff weighs, but you don’t have to be so hardcore, it’s helpful to know even general amounts - plus, food logging is very useful in it’s own right, even if you’re not counting the calories. A lot of calories come from eating stuff you don’t even remember/stuff you don’t think of when trying to figure out why you’re gaining/not losing weight. Again - you have to know your eating habits before changing them. HOW? Get an app - either Lose It! or MyFitnessPal. I use Lose It!
2. Set your goals. Calculate your resting metabolic rate (google it, you’ll find some calculators) aka the amount of calories you burn just by existing, and you’ll have an idea of how much you burn a day, which will help you know how much you should reduce to lose weight. Lose It! gives you your daily calories when you set your goals - you can even choose how fast you want to lose weight, which of course affects your daily limit.
3. Don’t say no - budget instead. Don’t say yes to everything you want to eat, but don’t say no to it all either! That way lies failure, cause you’ll crack, feel bad about it, and fall off the wagon. Just budget for your food - if you know you’re going out to dinner, eat very light the rest of the day so you can order what you want at the restaurant. Keeps you sane! Even if you go over your daily budget, don’t beat yourself up. Enjoy yourself and just be careful the next day.
4. In for a penny, in for a pound - NOT FOR WEIGHT LOSS! If you’re craving a burger and decide to get one and then be like “fuck it, let’s go for gold and get fries and a shake with it!” er, let’s think it through. A burger can be around 600 calories, but add to that 400 calories of fries and then 800 calories from the shake, and you went from 600 (a doable amount) to 1800, which is pretty significant, especially if that’s not the only thing you ate that day. When satisfying cravings, stick to what you really, really want - and then spread it out. Sure, I want a glass of wine and a brownie, and I’ll have them too. But maybe not on the same day.
5. Portion control. You can eat what you want - just eat a little less for it. Eat slow, eat half your plate and pause for 20 minutes. If you’re still hungry after that, eat the rest. If you’re not, put it away and eat it for another meal. Portion control ensures you can eat to your satisfaction without going over your limit.
6. Listen to yourself. Am I hungry, or am I bored? Am I hungry, or am I thirsty? Am I hungry, or am I emotionally eating? And if I am hungry, what am I craving? Listening to yourself ensures that you only eat when you’re hungry, and when you identify your craving, you can try to satisfy it with something low calorie if you can.
7. Don’t get junk food in the house. That’s hard to do if you live with others, but try to cut down on all junk food in the house - it’s really hard to resist 2 am snack attacks, but can’t eat unhealthy if there’s nothing unhealthy to eat! Instead, surround yourself with healthy foods that’ll satiate you like fruits, veggies and rice cakes, stuff like that.
8. Try to cook for yourself. Listen lol I KNOW it’s a tough one, but when you do that you’ll know exactly what went inside your meal. Eating out is great but unless you go to a joint that tells you the calories, you’ll be totally in the dark as to what it actually was calorie wise. Like say, roasted brussel sprouts - yum! Except they were roasted with bacon and olive oil - delicious, but that’s a lot of calories right there you may not have counted.
9. Diets don’t work, but being careful does. Like I said in 3, if you cut out entirely a kind of food like starches or something, unless you’ve got Godly self control, it’s not going to stick long and you’ll get discouraged, which is the real diet killer around here. You have to stick to it, and that’s hard to do when you feel you’re verbotten from your fave foods. Sure, when you count calories you’ll start to gravitate towards foods that can make you feel fuller and cost you the least amount of calories naturally as you get deeper in your diet, but don’t go draconian on yourself.
10. Diets don’t work, so don’t diet - make life changes. I’m a soda addict, but instead of having a soda everyday I have one every few days, I share a can with a friend - it’s about changing how I eat on a permanent basis. You do not want to gain the weight back, which is what will happen if you just diet for 6 months but then go right back to the same eating habits from before - they’re what got you in this situation in the first place. You need to learn how to maintain your weight once you do get to your goal and even before that, so take the weight loss journey as an opportunity to unlearn bad habits and relearn good ones.
11. Exercise. Weight loss is 80% diet, 20% exercising - just doing exercising alone isn’t gonna help you much, it’s just so hard to burn calories and so easy to eat them back. What exercise will do though is make you healthier, feel better, be fitter - it might not make you lose weight but you’ll be in a much better place with it. Also, goes well with life changes! You’re trying to make positive changes in life and exercise is a good one. Get apps, join your building gym you’ve been meaning to go to - start small, just 20 minutes a day 3 times a week, and start increasing when you feel ready.
12. Love yourself. Do this because you love yourself, because you want to make a change - treat this POSITIVELY, not negatively. This isn’t punishment, on the contrary! Even I think negative sometimes, but you’ll be much better at sticking to this if you think “I’m doing this because I love myself, because I care about myself and I want this for myself” rather than “I’m disgusting and I deserve to be punished and not enjoy food”. No! You deserve to be happy with yourself, and that’s what this should be about. Healthy choices are a gift you’re giving yourself bc you’re making it a priority for yourself, NOT a punishment.
13. Food is not a reward. Don’t use food as a reward anymore. Food is awesome, I love it, it’s delicious, it’s a treat, but stop using food to reward yourself. Find something else to treat yo self with when you want to celebrate (or as a pick me up when you’re down) - buy something else like a beauty product or anything, really, but the more you associate food with rewarding yourself the tougher it’ll be to break habits that are going to impede your goals, especially since food we use as treats can be very indulgent and high in calories. If you have to, treat yourself with healthy foods, like fresh fruit. Fresh fruit is delicious and is def an indulgence, considering how expensive they are smh
14. Prioritize it, but don’t let it run your life. This is important to you, of course - but if you let it overrun your life it’s not good for your mental health. You don’t want to tie yourself too much to it bc if you ever have a set back, it’ll be difficult to recover from it if it got you really shook. Of course though, this a big commitment of time, money, effort - you want to give it the mental resources it needs to be a success, so you do have to make it a priority in your life for the time being. Maybe not every day, but most days, yes. Again, having days where you’re not watching your eating too much happens, it’s ok, as long as you get back to it asap.
15. DO THIS FOR YOU. I’M GONNA CAPSLOCK THIS ONE - DON’T DO THIS FOR OTHERS. DON’T DO IT FOR YOUR MOM, YOUR MAN, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOUR WIFE YOUR KIDS YOUR DOG YOUR BOSS YOUR FAVE ACTOR - DO IT FOR YOU. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. BECAUSE THIS IS SOMETHING FOR YOU, ONLY YOU, AND NOBODY BUT YOU.
O-oh dear. Is the kitchen okay? “… It’s fine, why do you ask?” Well, it’s just… I’m not sure how you managed to heat an oven that unevenly. “I tried, man. Not all of us were raised in a restaurant.” No, no, I can see you tried, and it’s a wonderful gesture! Just… maybe we should keep it gestural. “This is not a gestural cake. This is a cake for eating, with your face, you ungrateful bastard.” …. at least I’m already dead….
Today (May 10) is my 19th birthday! In typical fashion, let’s pretend it’s Lew’s too, so I have an excuse for this self-indulgent-ass picture.
ALSO I MADE A QUICK EDIT FOR ectoimp WHO IS ALSO BIRTHDAYING but not anymore because our birthdays are different days actually BUT IT’S ONLY BAAARELY LATE