He's Getting Married, But Not To You
“You look great, Harry” I smiled, fixing his tie so it could fall perfectly against his chest. As my hands smoothed out the fabric, I let my mind wander away. I couldn’t imagine how I would be knowing Harry has made a commitment to be with somebody who isn’t me forever. Just him being engaged was enough to make me cry myself to sleep some nights, asking why it couldn’t be me. Why it never could be me.
It’s like a fire in your chest that keeps burning you, telling you that you’ll never be good enough. It’s a sting in your heart that makes you realize that the person you would die for wouldn’t even think about saving you. You’re just the person that’s there, the person that they would go to when they don’t have anybody else.
“Y/n? Are you alright?” Harry giggled, bringing me out of my trance, “You’ve been staring at my tie for ten minutes”.
My cheeks flushed red as I looked down, taking my hands away from the smooth fabric while mumbling a quiet “sorry”, backing away so he can see the final look.
All the guys walked to the other side of him, catching his reaction at the man he will soon be becoming. I couldn’t bring myself to catch his reaction, knowing that the happiness that will appear on his face won’t be because of me.
“Wow” Harry breathed, running his fingertips lightly over the tie, “I’m getting married. Guys, I’m getting married!” Harry smiled, running his long fingers through his hair.
Louis went to hug him, giving him a small squeeze, his was to congratulate him. I’ve never seen the boys so excited for him, and it crushed me to know that I couldn’t even act happy for him like that. I always try to hide myself, trying to escape telling him how “happy” I was.
My eyes became glossy as I took a quick glance at Liam. He was looking at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen in my life. He had looked at me as if I had been lost and sick for months, and had no hope of ever finding my way back home.
Liam knew how madly in love I was with Harry. Liam was the only one who knew, in fact, and I wasn’t the one who had told him. Liam somehow had figured out my secret love for Harry. It was strange, knowing that one of Harry’s “brothers” knew that I, his best friend, had this huge and undoubtable love for him, but as time went on, Liam actually helped me with my problems with Harry and his fiancè Lorie, and I couldn’t thank him enough.
“I just can’t believe that in one month, I’ll be having the wife of my dreams. In one month I’ll be making a commitment to stay with her forever. Gosh, guys, I always thought that this happiness was fake, but she made it real. My gosh, I just can’t believe I’m marrying her” Harry breathed, showing off the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on him—a smile I could never cause.
I felt a tear run down my face, and I quickly wipped it away, hoping none of the boys have seen it.
“Y/n? What’s wrong, love?” Harry asked, taking short strides toward me.
I took a quick look at Liam, who nudged his head foward, giving me a symbol to tell him what was on my mind. I should tell him him. I should just let everything out now before it was too late, before Harry is too out of reach for me to grab onto, but I can’t, I can’t take away that precious smile he was wearing. I could never see him unhappy, I had to lie to him.
“I’m just—” I paused, taking a deep breath to collect myself, putting on a small smile to make it look like I truly ment was I was saying, “I’m just so happy for you, Harry. Growing up with you and all, I just can’t believe you had found somebody you really love. I’m so happy for you”.
Harry’s lips quivered as he smiled big, wrapping his large arms around me, giving me a strong hug, a hug that made me feel so secure, I was dreading the moment he will let go of me.
“Don’t lie, y/n” I heard a faint voice say. Harry’s head snapped up, making my body freeze completely. All the boys were looking curiously at Liam, as if they didn’t understand why he would say something like that.
I felt my heart pound and my hands start to sweat, knowing that Liam wasn’t going to end this without the truth being said.
“You love him, y/n, you can’t be happy for him. You can’t be happy at all, knowing that the love of your life is getting married. You have to go to sleep every night and cry out all that love for him because you can’t have him. You have to be there for him every god damn day, and all of your patience and all of your carefulness is being ignored. You have to compare every guy you meet to him because you want Harry. You want him and you know it. You’ve wanted him since you were fourteen, and now you have to lie? No. I’m not letting you walk around as if you didn’t have a soul anymore, y/n. Don’t prentend like you want this to happen for him”.
I let out a loud sob, making me cover my mouth in attempt to quiet myself down, but it didn’t work. I continued to sob, choking out a quiet “why would you”.
I quickly started to run away, but a large hand took ahold of mine. His thumb ran over my wrist, where old scars that had been there from when I felt like I could never be good enough for anything. Harry knew how sensitive I was about myself. I’d always say that nobody will ever love me, and he knew the now faded scars were there for that reason.
“Y/n” Harry whispered, trying to stop me from leaving.
“Let me go!” I sobbed, ripping my hand away from his and started running. Running so fast so that I could just disappear. Disappear forever.
- Day of the Wedding -
I threw on my dark purple dress. It was knee length, and wrapped perfectly around my body. My hair was in soft curls and my makeup was done nicely. I threw on a black pair of heals, and looked at myself in the mirror.
Even though Harry and I haven’t spoken since the fitting, I can’t just miss out on the biggest day of his life. This is his wedding, and if I truly loved him, I would support him every step of the way.
“Wow, I really like that dress on you” someone said through th doorway.
Liam and his fiancè stood there, with a small smile on his face, holding her hand tightly.
“Thanks” I said, giving a small smile. Liam was still the one there for me whenever I needed somebody. My views on life had gotten worse everyday, but Liam was always there to help me.
“Shall we go?” I asked, grabbing my clutch off of my bed and quickly walking passed him.
“You don’t have to do this” He mumbled, making me stop in my tracks. Tears piled in my eyes, but I shook them away. I have no reason to cry, because this is the happiest moment Harry could ever expierence, and I loved seeing that smile on his face.
“I want to. He’s my best friend. I’ll always be there for him” I comfirmed, making my way slowly to the car.
The car ride was silent, and I could tell nobody really knew what to say anymore. One wrong thing and I could break, and it was such a risk to even bring me to the church in the first place. I can’t picture him taking her hands, vowing to her that he will always love her with as much love as he can carry. Helping her when she’s sick, holding her when she’s sad, singing to her when she’s scared. I can’t picture the gold ring being slipped onto her finger as they kiss the first kiss of their marriage—I just couldn’t. It was too much, too much for me to handle.
Once we arrived at the church, Liam and his fiancè made their way out of the car. Liam looked behind his shoulder, checking on me to see if I was okay, but my body didn’t flinch. I couldn’t do anything. Breathing was difficult, and moving had seemed impossible. I started crying hyserically, hitting my forehead against the seat in front of me, hoping I’d smack some sense into me.
Why did I let myself fall for him? Why did I have to be so stupid?
I continued crying loudly, feeling as if it was the only thing I could do. My body was reacting to every thought about their future, and it seemed to be the worst reaction to anything I’ve experienced before.
There is so much pain. So much pain in my heart to move on. So much pain in the way I think that living seems so physically painful to me. How am I supposed to live without him? How am I supposed to live at all?
“I can’t do it”.
My head snapped up, looking through the open door, making my gaze meet a distraut Harry. His hair was a mess, his eyes were sad, and his tux was on on body, but he looked like he didn’t put any effort in himself at all.
“Harry, please fix yourself” I sighed, turning my body around to face him and bringing my arms up to his shirt, buttoning it up more.
“Y/n! Stop!” Harry yelled, pushing my arms away from him. My heart dropped as the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. He’s mad at me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Not now, not ever.
“I’ve been having doubts! I’ve been sitting in mine and Lorie’s bedroom all this time wondering if me and her getting married is even a good idea! And I never asked it! It never crossed my mind before Liam had to fucking call you out in front of the whole shop! You made me go through so much stress! You should have told me the second you felt things for me, and you know that! You’ve been ruining this for me!”
“Harry, please, I—”
“And yet I still want you!” he yelled, throwing himself against me as his lips landed perfectly on mine. My back hit softly on the seats, his chest laying perfectly against mine. My heart jumped out of my chest and I felt myself feeling happier than I ever have been, feeling his lips sync with mine, and feeling his fingertips dance along my waist, but I knew this wasn’t right. I’m not this kind of person, and I can’t make Lorie find out about this.
“Harry, this is out of pitty. Harry, Marry her” I whispered.
“Shut up. Just shut up. It’s you. You. I want you. Nobody else. Absolutely nobody. I was just so stupid to even realize what was in front of me. I never looked straight ahead. I always just looked around, and it made me so blind, y/n, because the way I felt just now, kissing you like that, made me feel like I could never die. I felt so infinite, y/n. I was just so blind. So damn blind” he mumbled again, kissing me, the way I had always pictured it.
His lips detatched from mine, running his thumb over my now swollen lips. He looked at them, so confused and hurtful, making everything come to a hault.
“How did I live so long without loving you like this?”