The Adventures of Bjorn Ironside: Okay. I want to know what the fucking point was to Bjorn Ironside and Halfdan Sidepart gallivanting in the mediterranean, riding camels, being terrible body guards, sleeping with concubines, one of which definitely surprised Halfdan … ATE A DUDE. No. No seriously. THEY ATE A DUDE. And then went through all that shit about Kassia, WHAT WAS HER POINT AGAIN? DID SHE HAVE ONE? Was she just “Mysterious-Woman-Who-Makes-No-Sense-Thrown-Into-the-Show-Vikings-#32″ … and then just when the Mediterranean Bros were about to lose their heads A SANDSTORM MAGICALLY APPEARS and they’re like WHELP LET’S GET OUTTA HERE IT’S BEEN REAL Y’ALL. I swear I thought i was supposed to be watching a Monty Python sketch or something and not Vikings when they were running away on those damn camels. I could almost hear the “derp derp derpity do” in the background. Vikings on camels, y’all! Never expect the Spanish inquisition, but ALWAYS expect a random sand storm to save your ass at just the right second. And somehow know where the fuck they are going. Vikings in the desert. With their sidekick Sinric who happens to understand every language ever uttered. I bet if they sailed to the Americas, Sinric would somehow know how to speak to all of the native tribes.
WTF am I watching? I AM SO CONFUSED.
Usually with a lot of “prestige dramas” (is that even what this is?) I can be somewhat confident that things will probably come together in the end. I have no such faith in this show.
Somewhere in Norway: And let’s not get me started on Astrid, as others have already eloquently tackled this subject, except to say that it was the absolute shittiest of writing. The shittiest. Shittier than any of the shittiest fanfic of your worst fucking nightmares. It was also lazy as fuck. HOW MANY SHOWS have we been made to watch where a woman seemingly cheats on their husband/person she loves and is then “punished” with rape. HOW MANY SHOWS. Jeez yo, I never thought Hirst was a particularly great writer but I never thought he was just that classless. To resort to something so tacky as to take on that disgusting trope.
Usually when he pulls something vulgar for shock value I can at least say … well, I have not seen that outside of a damn soap opera! It made no sense, but at least I didn’t see it coming!
For instance, Bjorn Ironside fucks his mother’s lover against a wall? During a human sacrifice?
I mean … I wasn’t a fan, it made no sense to me, but I didn’t see that coming … so, WELL DONE.
That’s how low the bar is set here, folks.
For awhile now I’ve kinda thought that Hirst was a bit of a shitty writer who has somehow been blessed to work with a few directors/producers/art directors/actors that have been able to take the piles of crappy dialogue and somehow turn it all into something watchable, entertaining, and at times seriously captivating. Travis Fimmel. the entire cast of Elizabeth, JRM, and now AHA.
But fuck, that only goes so far for so long.
OKAY MOVING ON.
#teamlagertha: Margrethe, gurl, your tongue’s about to get cut out and I’m not gonna feel sorry for you. Also, my new girl Aud somehow became my favorite character in the history of this show in less than 2 minutes, for showing such insight, for knowing a greater purpose, for fuck, even HAVING a purpose … aaaaaaand she’ll probably be dead by next episode.
#teamivar: GODDAMN IT if I wasn’t determined to hate this entire episode but Ivar had to be all “I am jealous of you, I want to be like you, I want to be whole … HERE’S MY VULNERABILITY ON A SILVER PLATTER HEAHMUND.” Ugh. That sound you heard was my heart shattering into a million pieces. A few pieces for Ivar, even a few for Heahmund, and the other hundreds of thousands of pieces was because their dynamic is gonna make me keep tuning into this fucking show.
I mean, I ended this episode yelling at the TV “DAMN HEAHMUND BE CRAZY AS IVAR … FUCK DAMMIT I’M TUNING IN NEXT WEEK.”
Also, does Heahmund have a valyrian steel sword? I mean … Damascus steel. Yep. Yep, Heahmund and his magical sword. I wonder if it will shatter Lagertha’s sword of the king when they do battle. Hence, shattering Ragnar’s legacy and their whole world. Cementing the Seer’s prophecy both literally and figuratively.
If that happens I’mma be pissed the hell off.
Spanglo-Saxons: Alfred sets off on a vision quest. Seriously, if you’re a man on this show, you’re guaranteed at least one vision quest. The ladies? Nope, no vision quests for the ladies. They don’t need to find themselves, they’re already patient and calculating by nature, because childbirth (THANK YOU AUD).
FUCK. WHAT IS THIS SHOW.
Meanwhile in Floki-land: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Seriously if those Vikings leave Floki on Ass-guard and then suddenly end up at the RAGNARSSON BOWL, only to swoop in to save the day at the last minute I’m gonna be pissed. I’m gonna be like YOU CAN’T PULL A GANDALF AND ROHIRRUM at the end of Two Towers, or THE NIGHTS OF THE VALE EX MACHINA at the end of the battle of the bastards. JUST NO. NOOPPPPPE
I do love all the little visual jokes that happen in the background in Bojack Horseman - like the camel drinking water here. But there’s always something new I notice each time I rewatch it, which shows the dedication they put into it.
Photography: “Portrait of a family of Sahul Bedouin with their camels at the Ar Rumhiya wells near Ar Riyadh. A woman stands in the foreground beside her two seated children. Just behind them a few people unload the camels in their party. Two of the camels directly behind the woman in the foreground are wearing camel litters. In the far background a large flock of sheep or goats crosses the sandy plain in the distance”.
Ar Riyadh Province; Ar Rumhiya Saudi Arabia. May, 1945
Photography: “Full length portrait of three Awamir Bedouin women at a well near Al Ain. Two women stand beside a third women who squats on the ground. At the centre one woman adjusts the sheila (headscarf) around her head. She is wearing a burqa, a leather or cloth face mask worn by married women. The woman standing also wears a burqa, which she holds in place with her hand. A camel stands in the background.”
Abu Dhabi Emirate; Al Ain Region; Al Ain City, United Arab Emirates April, 1948
Photography: “Portrait of two tribesmen of the Sahul Bedouin at one of the Ar Rumhiya wells near Ar Riyadh. A young tribesman of the Sahul Bedouin stands in the foreground wearing a bisht (robe) over his thobe (shirt) and facing forward. Behind him another man stands on the right. This man is wearing a cartridge belt and leaning on a wooden post topped with a rope and pulley. In the far background a herd of camels rests on the plain behind them”.
Ar Riyadh Province; Ar Rumhiya, Saudi Arabia, 1945