calm moment

Take your time when picking the pedals off of your delicate little flower. Once they fall off, they are gone forever. So before each one becomes one of history, take a moment to really take in all of its beauty, for our flowers only have so many pedals.
—  Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin

Went out clubbing this weekend and was welcomed by people saying things like “abomination” and “that’s a man!” as I walked in to find my friends. Still trying to figure out how to hold on to myself when I’m in unsafe or unwelcoming spaces. But I made a little progress when in a small moment of calm I looked around and realized that all this anxiety and hostility wasn’t coming from inside me and actually had nothing to do with me but more so with the cishet men freaking out around me. Then I relaxed a bit and had some fun with my friends. It’s hard trying to figure out when to be on guard (because it the physical dangers surrounding presenting as anything but cis are still very real) and when you can relax and talk yourself off of a proverbial cliff so I really appreciate it when I can find those short moments of clarity.

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.