The Alex Comforting Maggie Scene We All Deserved (aka Alex doesn’t get called away, and “I love you” happens)
She is so fucking proud of her.
She walks away.
She snaps and she freaks out and she walks away, but she doesn’t try to head out the door.
Instead, she heads straight to the couch and sits down.
And Alex is so fucking proud of her.
That’s the final proof Alex needs that Maggie is perfect.
But perfect for her.
Because Alex had told her that it was a relationship and she didn’t get to just walk out.
Maggie had listened.
So Maggie’s on the couch and she’s in agony and Alex hates it, hates the catches in her voice and the not-quite biting she does to her lips to keep them from trembling when Alex brings up her parents, hates the nod and the anguished “I know” and the terrified drop and tremble of her jaw.
She hates it, because she’s defeated and she’s helpless and she’s destroyed.
But she loves it, too, because she… because… because she’s Maggie.
She hears her own voice tremble on the word heal and the only thing that keeps her from breaking herself is how warm Maggie’s face is, how soft her hair is, the way that Maggie finally looked at her when she said her name, the way she’s leaning into her hand, probably without even realizing it.
“You don’t think I’m a bad person?” she asks, and Alex knows how many years Maggie’s spent feeling like she is, and Alex knows exactly, exactly, exactly what that kind of self-hatred feels like.
She looks off to the side because she knows Maggie, she knows that there’s only a certain amount of intensity, of vulnerability, that she can handle at once. So she looks off to the side and she quirks her lips and she says, “Actually, I always thought that you were perfect. But it’s really nice to see that you have problems, too.”
Maggie’s voice shakes when she says thank you, and Alex smiles because god, she’s never been so… she’s never felt this…
She pulls back because she needs to see her face again.
Pulls back – but not before pressing the side of her face to Maggie’s hair, because god she loves how close it feels, how perfect – because she needs to tell her something.
Because if she’s going to call Maggie out for keeping things to herself, she can’t do the same.
“Yeah,” she whispers as she strokes her hair, as she looks into wet brown eyes and steels herself for the scariest thing she’s ever done.
And she’s a DEO agent with a superhero little sister.
Scary is her job.
“Listen, I know we haven’t been together for five years, I know… I know it’s not… I know we’re still learning each other, and ourselves, but I… I never want to stop learning each other together, and I… No, Maggie, I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you’re the most… Maggie, I’m not going to run. I’m not going to run just because you have a history – hell, I have a history, too, we all have histories – and I’m not going to let you run just because you’re scared. I’m going to prove you can trust me, I’m going to prove I’m going to be here for you, unconditionally, always, no matter what ghosts you have or what scar tissue you’ve got, because I…”
Maggie’s eyes are wide and her lips are trembling and her heart is bleeding and Alex needs her to know, needs her to understand, needs her to feel it.
“I love you, Maggie. I love you, I love you, god, Maggie, I love you, and I’m not going anywhere, and you’re not a bad person, and you – “
But her next words are lost in Maggie’s lips, in her tongue, in her arms and in her sob, in the way she pushes Alex back onto the couch, in the way her body wracks with sobs even as her lips cover Alex’s.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Alex pulls back, and Maggie stills immediately, sits up immediately. “No, no, you don’t have to get off, come back, come here, please, I want to be near you, I want to kiss you, I just… you’re crying, Maggie, I don’t – “
One of Maggie’s tears drips onto Alex’s cheek, and Alex reaches up to wipe her eyes, to stroke her hair, as she shakes her head, as she furrows her brow and confusion defines her every feature.
“I shouldn’t what, Maggie?”
She reads the answer in Maggie’s eyes before Maggie can force the words out of her lips, and it shatters her heart.
“Love me. You… you shouldn’t love me.”
Maggie sits up and crawls off of Alex, crawls to the opposite end of the couch, and Alex stays laying down, leaning up on her elbows, watching her. Watching her, scared to move, because if she moves, Maggie might run.
And she would understand why.
Because if Maggie loved her, and said so, god, she would say she didn’t deserve it, too.
Because she didn’t, she didn’t, she didn’t.
“I’m sorry, Maggie, I shouldn’t have said anything, I should have just kept my mouth shut – “
“No, Alex, it’s not you.” Her voice is distant and her voice is firm because she cheated, she lied, she destroys everything, not Alex, and she won’t have Alex blaming herself for this, too.
Alex stiffens and Maggie notices out of the corner of her eye, so she forces herself to relax her shoulders somewhat and she sighs and wipes her eyes roughly. Alex stays leaning back on her elbows, stays watching her carefully, stay wishing she would be gentler with herself when she wipes her own tears away. Wishes she were as gentle with herself as she is with Alex.
“I’m sorry. It’s…” She chances a glance at Alex, and the confusion, the adoration, the pure concern, the pure… love… in her face makes her want to scream, and makes her want to weep, and makes her want to cling to Alex and never, ever, ever let her go.
“You are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, Alex. You… I loved Emily, yeah. I did, a lot. She was… we met in college, and she… and we were together a long time, my longest, like I said, but it… I wasn’t… I loved her, but not… not like this. Not like I love you.”
Alex’s heart stops beating and she sits up slowly, slowly, slowly. Maggie’s crying again, soft tears, silent tears, and Alex is pretty sure she’s crying now, too.
“But I shouldn’t, Alex, and you shouldn’t, because I don’t… you see what I did to her, what I… what I do. To the people closest to me. Because it’s not only about not trusting them, or you, it… it’s about trusting myself. I tore my family apart, Alex. I did that. Me.”
“Maggie, no, it wasn’t – “
“I know. I know. But that’s never… that’s never how it felt. It felt like it was me. Everyone told me it was me. And I believed it, Alex, because hell, you know, you believe what your mother says about you, too.”
Alex looks down and Alex takes a deep breath and Alex is in shock because she loves me, she loves me, she loves me.
“It’s why I tried not to date you, Alex, because… yes, because you were just coming out, but also because I… I ruin things, Alex. It’s what I do, and I never… I never want to ruin you. You’re… you’re a masterpiece, Alex. You’re the greatest thing this damn planet’s ever come up with, and I just… I destroy things. And I shouldn’t have gotten with you, because I don’t know what I’d do if I ever destroyed you, but I couldn’t help it, because Alex, I… I’m so sorry. You deserve to be loved by someone… whole, someone… Someone who doesn’t ruin everything she touches.”
Alex is sitting up fully, now, is kneeling back on the couch in front of Maggie, now, her hands in her own lap, now.
“Are you done?” she asks softly, gently.
Maggie nods and looks away, and Alex raises her index finger to her chin and helps Maggie meet her eyes.
“You do not ruin things. You do not destroy things. You aren’t broken, Maggie, and you aren’t a… a curse. You’re the masterpiece, Maggie, because you… you have survived hell – hell that your own family put you through, hell when you were a child and needed all the love and protection that I wish I could have been there to give you then – and after all that, the worst thing you do, what, you cheated on someone? Okay, that’s bad. That’s really, really bad. But Maggie, doing a bad thing doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person. I’ve tortured people, Maggie, I’ve… I’ve killed people. People with families, people… people. And you still say I’m… those things you said I am.”
“A masterpiece, the most incredible woman in all of creation, the – “
Maggie’s smiling now, and it makes Alex smile, too, but she shushes her softly, because she’s not done.
“Maggie, I don’t love you because you’re perfect, or because I thought you actually were perfect. I love you because you like gross food like double toasted bagels and vegan ice cream, and I love you because you take care of the queer kids of color your precinct would rather lock up, and I love you because you have terrible morning breath and I love you because you make me laugh and I love you because you stand up for yourself and I love you because you’re stubborn and because you’re loyal and because you’re passionate and because you’re neurotic about parking regulations and because you’re into weird things like bonsai trees.”
“Hey, don’t hate on my trees.”
“And I love you because that’s the thing you decide to pipe up about. I love you, Maggie, and god, I’m sorry, am I saying it too much, I just… it’s like a floodgate, now that I told you I have to keep saying it, because Maggie, you deserve it. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve to be loved for exactly who you are. For everything you’ve ever been and everything you’ve ever done and everything you are now and everything you will be in the future. I want to be in your future, Maggie, I… you’re amazing, Maggie. You’re amazing, and you just… I love you, Maggie. I love you. I love you, I – I’m going to stop talking now. Sorry.”
“I don’t deserve you, Alex.”
“But you said you love me?”
A silence. A long, long, long silence.
Alex’s eyes are wide and Maggie’s eyes are soaked and she reaches to cup Alex’s cheeks in her hands and she kisses every centimeter of her face because “Yes, Alex. Yes, yes, yes. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
“Well then. I don’t feel like I deserve you, and you don’t feel like you deserve me. But I love you. And you… you love me? You love me.” She can’t help but straighten and smile and Maggie chuckles wetly.
“You love that I’m your nerd.”
“My nerd. I like the sound of that.”
“Maggie. I want to be with you. Let me be with you. But like… really with you. So you have to try to trust me, to let me love you properly. Okay?”
“Do I have to?”
“I don’t like talking about myself, Alex.”
“But I… I trust you.”
“Well that’s a start.”
“You know what else would be a start?
“Heading over to the Baldwin and talking to Emily. You deserve closure, Maggie. You both do.”
“Alex, I – “
“I’ll drive you. I’ll be right outside the whole time.”
“You won’t leave?”
“Because you love me.”
“Who’s the nerd now?”
“For you? Every time, Alex. Every single time.”