call anyone

i have never

been more engaged in anything. This trilogy is keeping me awake so late. How does anyone sleep between chapters….between books…help.

I cannot possibly emphasize what a constant trial it is being friends with me.

September 11, 2017// “my love is beautiful deception” 

one year ago, I started bullet journaling, and it’s really impressive seeing how far I’ve come since then (especially considering that this spread has the same colour scheme as my first spread).  

so throughout this past year, I’ve learned: 1) it’s cheesy but practice makes perfect!! you don’t see improvement every time you make a spread, but don’t get frustrated and give up because it’s a learning process, and 2) studyblr classics like Tombow, Muji, and Mildliner always will have way cheaper counterparts (especially the latter two) so know the alternatives if you wanna save money! I recently found gel pens at an Asian mall for a fraction of Muji’s prices, and crayola supertips are honestly the best investment I’ve ever made. 

people are allowed to identify as queer.

people are not being homophobic by identifying as queer.

people are not forcing the word queer on you or anyone else by identifying as queer.

people identifying as queer does not affect you, it does not hurt you, and it is in absolutely no way your place to tell them to stop identifying as queer because doing so is queerphobic and disgusting. a queer person’s identity is not dependent on your approval.

2

here’s our baby with his new baby, shabu shabu

All right, listen. All of you, all of you sending me messages calling me a filthy capitalist and telling me I can’t tell you not to be angry, I am not telling you not to be angry, I am telling you to ensure your rage is Productive.

There is a difference between rage with purpose and rage that you let paralyze you into apathy. The first is the stuff that change and hope is built on, the second is what people want you to fall into so they can get away with shit without ever being challenged, because why challenge what you can’t fight, right?

Do not ever think you cannot fight something, do you hear me? There is always a chance to make something better, whether it’s something big or something small, there will always be options and there will always be people out there willing to fight, not just for themselves but for you too. Because this shit matters, okay? The big and the small. It matters. 

But you can’t just rely on others to change the world into a better place for you, you have to be a part of the process too. You don’t get to sit back on your laurels and lament the state of the world with snide cynicism if you are not actively part of the solution. And I know it’s sometimes hard to know where to start, but here’s a helpful suggestion: you can start with not being a snide little gremlin on the internet telling other people that their hope is pointless.

And to the person who told me “not all our lives are sunshine and hallmark moments”, like somehow that justifies their apathy, yea, you’re right. Not all our lives are sunshine and hallmark moments.

I’m a chronically ill disabled immigrant woman who has spent the last two years of her life facing one financial difficulty after another. I’ve had to beg for help to get necessary medical procedures, for house repairs, for food. I am well aware life is not a hallmark moment, thank you. 

Positivity does not come naturally to me. I am actually a very broken, depressed, very angry person at my core. It would be so very easy to turn my face away and ignore injustices of the world, both great and small. But that’s a choice I have decided I cannot live with. And YES, kindness is a CHOICE. 

Love is a choice, empathy is a choice, hope, is a choice. And it took me the longest time to realize you can use outrage and anger to fuel all of them for the better good. 

There is not a single atom of my being that is sunshine and rainbows. What I am however, is 100% exponential rage and exhaustion willing to throw down whenever or wherever my voice and actions will help. A hopeless populace is a docile populace. So even if it burns, my god even if you think you might die under the weight of caring, you take that rage, you take all that anger and pain and fear and you turn into hope and you launch it at those who would keep others down and you burn with it. You burn until you take them with you.

So the night is dark and full of terror? Be a light. However you can. In big ways or small. A thousand tiny gestures of kindness sustained over time will eventually make up a whole. Start somewhere.

But don’t you ever tell people it’s pointless to hope, or to believe in a better world. Don’t you dare take that from them. Do better. For your sake as well as others. You deserve better too. 

Hope is not the reserve of the naive, it is the foundation upon which better things are built. So stop trying to tear it down.