Endless - Part 1
Word Count: 2.7k
Warnings: Mentions of abuse, depression, satan, eating problems,swearing
Summary: Dan is juggling depression, anxiety, eating problems, and abuse. His world is a never ending gray cloud. At least it is until he meets Phil, a popular handsome boy who for some reason will not give up on getting to know Dan.
Authors Note: So this is officially the first part to my first official Phanfic. It is something i’ve been really excited to post, and really enjoyed writing. However it may suck. Any and all feedback is appreciated and constructive criticism is very helpful to me. Thank you to anyone who gives it a chance and I apologize if it isn’t very good.
Rating: M (Part 1 does not include smut)
The sound of my alarm clock surrounds me and suddenly I can’t breathe. This is the sound that represents true pain. Real pain. The sound that marks the beginning of every terrible day that contains every second of agony I’ve ever felt. Like Satan ringing his bell for you to do his bidding. Laughing in your face as you’re hurt and screaming because he doesn’t understand why you still answer his call. Satan can’t see the light that may lie behind the dark. I can’t see it anymore either. My light was stolen from me and disintegrated into dust. The sun has set and I’ve been waiting for a long time for it to rise again. That is why I still answer satan’s call, why I can find a way to get out of bed, because one day I hope I can find a new light.
I opened my eyes to blinding rays of sunlight illuminating my room. They danced with the dust in the air. My hair clung to my face. I was drenched in sweat, and I could feel the sting of tears in my eyes. I must’ve had another nightmare. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I’ve been having them a lot, especially since the school year has been creeping up closer and closer. And now it’s finally here. This year I’ll be attending Calith high school for the first time ever. Home of the Cougars. I lazily swung my legs over the side of the bed, uncovering my bare chest from the blanket. Beads of sweat dripped down my torso. I need a shower unless I want to smell bad on my first day at this school. So I stood slowly and peeled off my boxers. I walked lazily down the hall as it creaked and echoed, reminding me that I’m completely alone. My dad goes away for weeks on end without telling me about where he’s going or how long he’ll be. He just left again yesterday, and for mom? I know she’s never coming back. I stepped into the bathroom and flicked on the light. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. My body is frail and I have little muscle. My brown hair stuck up in random places and was curly as it always is in the morning. My gaze fell down to my arms and then to my legs. I was covered in black and blue. Large bruises were staring back at me like they were laughing at me. They were over my arms, legs, back, and stomach. I stared at myself blankly for a moment as tears started to well up in my eyes. There’s no escaping him. No matter how hard I try my father is always there to hurt me. He leaves these hideous marks on me so I will always remember what I am. A useless piece of garbage, the dirt under his shoe, a waste of oxygen. I am all of those things. Warm tears poured out my eyes and down my cheeks. I broke eye contact with myself and stuck my hand in the shower and turned the handle. The water shot out the top and sprayed my hand in a cold mist. The cool water traveled down my arm and caused my body to shiver. I always was fond of the shower, it’s where I do most of my reflecting. It’s because when the water runs down your face and over your eyes you can no longer tell the difference between the water and your tears. They fuse into one stream of liquid and run down and off your body into the drain where it no longer matters. If only it were that easy to get rid of my problems. I step into the shower.
An hour later and I’m pulling my bike into the rack at school. The building loomed over me and suddenly I felt very small. The students traveled in swarms like bugs, each buzzing with conversation. There was a steady flow of kids walking into the towering building. I looked up, the sky was crystal clear and the sun glowed brightly. The rest of the world seems so warm and at peace right now. So why am I so terrified. I took a deep breathe and took a step towards the door. More students piled in the school, they make it look so easy. Maybe it is for them. Another step. I’m going too slow. I’m giving myself too much time to think about this. If I keep it up I’ll end up turning around and getting back on that bike. You’ve got to rip it off like a band-aid Dan, all at once. I held my breath and walked quickly through the door.
My body quaked as I made it into the main lobby. The floor was hard like cement and dark gray. The walls were painted an off cream color. My guess is that they were originally painted white. Students were lined up in front of a table. On the other side teachers sat handing out papers. I stepped timidly into the back of the line and kept my head down. I watched as the line got shorter and shorter. I peered down the hallway at the students. They all stood in circles or in front of their bright blue lockers. They all had their groups of friends that they hang out with. There were popular kids, and nerds, and the school geniuses. I tried hard but I was never able to fit in with any of them. I can’t understand them.
“What’s your name dear?” I flinched hard at the words and snapped back into reality. A woman at the desk peered over at me.
“Uh… It's… I’m Dan Howell.” I stuttered out. She then began to sift through the large pile of papers in front of her. She had long, pin straight chestnut brown hair. Her amazing green eyes with amber highlights searched over all the pages. She looked young for a teacher. She must have just graduated from college.
“All right, here we are, Daniel James Howell.” She said as she pulled out a page and handed it to me. She had a soft welcoming voice. When she spoke it was like receiving a warm hug. “My name is Miss Arkaine, you come talk to me if you have any questions alright Dan?”
“Yes Ma'am.” I replied avoiding her gaze. I stepped to the right out of line and scanned the paper that was handed to me. “Daniel James Howell” was printed at the top in bold letters followed by my schedule, locker number, and combination. Locker number 252 “36,13,28” located in the C hallway. I looked up from the page at the intimidating swarm of students in the C corridor. They talked, screamed, and playfully pushed each other around. My mom used to tell me to try and make some friends, and if that failed? She told me I would always have myself, and I would always have her. So that would have to be enough, and when the time came I would find someone who loved to be around me and someone who accepts and understands who I am. But my mom lies. She lied when she said that I would always have her. So what do I do? I decided to keep my head slightly bowed and avoid any and all social interaction. I began to make my way down the C hallway watching as the locker numbers increased. I stopped at locker 252. I let out a slight sigh of relief. My locker was on the end of the row, so I was only locker neighbors with one person, hopefully they hate talking. I grabbed my lock and tried the combination once. It didn’t work. Again I tried and it stayed locked. Once more and to no avail. I fumbled the paper around and checked my combination again. What the actual fuck? I’m putting it in right so why isn’t it working? Of fucking course on my first day, like it wasn’t stressful enough already.
“Do you need any help?” A voice called from behind me. I turned quickly on my heel and looked the person in the face. She had blonde hair like strands of pure gold. It was straightened and fell weightlessly on her chest. Her eyes were dark gray, like storm clouds that gather before a hurricane.
“Uh….. Um… No thanks.” I said quietly and averted my eyes quickly to the floor. I turned and began to put the combination in again. She walked up next to me and grabbed the lock on the locker beside me. I failed to open my locker again and huffed.
“My name is Anya, I guess we’re locker neighbors. What’s your name?” She said as she pulled the lock right off her locker. She opened it and threw a pile of books in the bottom and tossed the lock on the high shelf.
“I’m Dan.” I said timidly as I tugged on my lock again with no victory.
“Here Dan let me help you.” She reached for my hand that was placed on my lock and I pulled away quickly. My hand shot to my chest where I held it close and recoiled. She looked me in the eyes and briskly spoke.
“Oh, I’m sorry Dan I was just trying to grab your lock. Do you mind if I give it a try?”
I kept my head down and nodded carefully. She held out her hand and I placed my sheet of paper in her palm. Her fingers moved nimbly spinning the combination into the lock. With one tug it was open. She turned and handed me the lock with a bright smile on her face.
“There you are Dan.” She looked so happy like she just won the lottery.
“Thank you, I’m sorry for the trouble.” I said carefully still with my eyes on the floor.
“no biggie Daniel. It is Daniel isn’t it?” She said inquisitively. I nodded and opened my locker. I placed all my binders and books on the top shelf and kept only a notebook and a pen with me. I glance over at Anya, she looked like she was struggling. She was reaching as far as she could to the top shelf trying to find her lock. She was very short, maybe 5 foot? I slowly reached onto the top shelf and grabbed her lock from the back, no way she was going to reach that. I looked her in the eyes for a moment and placed the silver lock in her hand.
“Thank you Dan” she said looking up at me, “now we’re even.” She had a bright smile on her face. She was very pretty, mostly because of her dazzling expression that would make you think she just won billions. I learned today that Anya is unlike the rest.
After homeroom I walked to to the Algebra room for first period. Somehow I made it in the classroom first and found the seat in the back corner farthest from the door and sat my butt right down. I watched as the first kids walked in the room. A dude with dirty blonde hair walked in arms crossed and he wore a smug grin. He had a lip ring and the sides of his head were buzzed and the rest of his head was a patch of blonde flowy hair. He had emerald green eyes that looked almost as if they were glowing, and a muscular figure. His eyes shifted to meet mine and my gaze nervously shot to the floor. He chuckled slightly and shuffled to a desk in the back row. Only one desk sat between us. I could feel his eyes on me as I flipped to the first page in my empty notebook and clicked my black pen. More students flowed into the doorway and sat down in seats. His gaze stayed on me, and mine stayed on the floor. Then suddenly I sensed his body shift towards the doorway and I could no longer feel the intensity of his gaze.
“Hey buddy! How you been my man.” I looked up to see the boy with the lip ring talking to another student who was entering the room.
“Hey Heath, alright I guess, a little crappier since school started.” The boy talking walked closer and sat in the seat between Heath and I. He had straight hair the color of crows with a fringe that cascaded down his snow white forehead. His skin was flawless and looked as soft as silk. Two blue diamonds sat gleaming under feathery eyelashes, and his lips were rosy pink and parted slightly. Suddenly his gaze met mine and his lips formed a smirk. My eyes shot back down to the semi-pristine floor. Crap. He saw me staring at him like a creep. Nice one Dan, you idiot. I shook my head at myself and kept my eyes on my feet. Suddenly I felt him lean a bit closer and could feel eyes on me, this time it was mr. ocean eyes sitting next to me. My heart started to beat faster, his gaze making me nervous.
“I like your shirt.” The boy said softly. He had an accent that was a different from everyone else, it was pleasing to the ear. My eyes shot up to meet his and It was like diving into a vast ocean. Like a magnificent painting of the sea, different blues flowed together in delicate brush strokes. Or maybe his eyes were more like the sky, infinite and free. I could stare into these eyes and be lost forever. Suddenly a sound escaped the boys lips, and pulled me back into reality. He chuckled ever so slightly as another smirk formed on his face making my heart race. I had been staring again.
“Um, thank you.” I said nervously and focused my gaze back on the floor.
“It’s from that movie right? The Ring?” He asked inquisitively. Why was he trying to make conversation? Obviously he already had friends and I obviously did not look like I wanted to be talked to, so why is he trying to chat? What could he possibly get out of it? I looked back up at him and just shook my head slightly. He looked at me as if he was excited like he was waiting for me to tell him some great news.
“No uh, it’s actually a solar eclipse.” I spoke quietly, and looked back up into his eyes.
“Ohhhhh, I see it now, that looks a lot like the ring though, so you better watch out.” he said cautiously. I looked at him a little confused. Must be something from the movie I guess. He must’ve noticed my puzzled look because he quickly replied.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never seen it before.” I shook my head in response.
“It’s the one with the girl who looks like the grudge right?” I said inching a little out of my figurative shell. I usually don’t add much to a conversation let alone attempt to keep one going but this boy was fascinating. He wasn’t like the other students, but I can’t seem to figure out why.
“Yes it is, but this movie’s story line is a lot better than the grudge in my opinion, and this girl doesn’t make dying animal noises.” He said with a grin. I let out a small laugh and clicked my pen nervously in my hand. His face seemed to light up, and he gazed into my eyes for a few seconds before I turned away, heart beating quickly. Why does it make me so nervous when he looks at me.
“What do you say we watch it sometime uh…” He looked at me puzzled.
“Dan.” I said guessing my name was what he was searching for.
“Dan” he muttered quietly under his breath, and looked back up at me waiting for a response. My heartbeat quickened again and I looked into his eyes. He looked nervous, like my answer really made a difference to him.
“Uh, yeah, sure.” I said a bit panicked, not really sure what else to say.
“Fantastic!” he said excitedly,”By the way Dan, My name is Phil. Nice to meet you.”