Alice Bag, Belinda Carlisle, Lorna Doom, Jane Wiedlin, Hellin Killer, Pleasant Gehman and many more punk ladies at The Masque in Hollywood. The Masque was Hollywood’s place-to-be for early LA punks, 1977.
BIG TOUR NEWS! Looks like some new shows on the horizon for our favorite stoners, several of which will be joined by who? Windhand? Get out of town! No, seriously, get in a car or plane or train or whatever - a horse - and get to one of these shows! Oh, and don’t forget Sleep will be at a little thing called Psycho Las Vegas, where Doomed & Stoned will have a stage. Can’t wait to meet you all there!
03/04 San Francisco, CA – The Regency Ballroom (feat. Neurosis)
04/30 Austin, TX – Levitation
06/20 Philadelphia, PA – Union Transfer
06/21 Philadelphia, PA – Union Transfer (feat. Windhand)
06/22 Millvale, PA – Mr. Smalls Theatre (feat. Windhand)
06/24 Portland, ME – State Theatre (feat. Windhand)
06/26 Washington, DC – 9:30 Club (feat. Windhand)
06/29 Roskilde, DEN – Roskilde
07/01 Keflavik, ICE – ATP Iceland
07/03 Sermamagny, FRA – Les Eurockeenes
07/06 London, UK – O2 Forum
08/26 Las Vegas, NV – Psycho Las Vegas
Basically speeches from fiction directed to break each of the types.
“Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night. Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else. Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world. Was Rorschach. Does that answer your questions, Doctor?”
“You seem to have an interest in power, so let me educate you a little while I search for you. It’s sort of this thing I like to do sometimes, especially for learned wizards such as yourself. Power, it isn’t something you put on or take off like a jacket. It’s something you just ARE. If you can lose it by blowing two Will saves, you never really had any power in the first place, you know what I’m saying? Hell, the idiot paladin understands better than you do, ‘cause he got every one of those hit points I burned off of him the hard way: he earned them. 'Course, now he’s also earned an upgrade to Prisoners First Class for daring to touch my pretty little bauble. It’s sort of the same as how we’ve already been treating him, only now we get serious about it. Anyhoo, where was I? Oh, right. Your soul shenanigans are real flashy, but they had one weakness: they were still shackled to your lame mid-level ass! I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I’ve learned a lot since then. You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh? But the type of power? Doesn’t matter as much as you’d think. It turns out, everything is oddly balanced. Weird, but true. For example: [Xykon reaches out and grabs Vaarsuvius, who is invisible, and begins strangling them] …Right now, power takes the form of a +8 racial bonus to Listen skill checks. So, Uncle Xykon, what’s the moral of the story? A big pile of spells isn’t enough when the other guy has a big pile of spells AND the strength to crush your windpipe with his bare phalanges. And they died happily ever after. The End.”
-Xykon, Order of the Stick
“What are you whispering, Captain? Is that a prayer? Well, there’s no God here today. Just me. Why didn’t we think of this years ago, eh? I knew you couldn’t beat us if I ever got them organized. Do you know what’s coming next? We’re going to carve up your beloved country among all our chief lieutenants. The Abomination wants California, Doom wants the Bible Belt and Magneto wants Las Vegas for some Godforsaken reason. Guess who gets the White House? As for the rest of the world… Well, who’d want it now? Shh. Don’t get upset. It’ll all be over soon.”
-Red Skull, Old Man Logan
Violet: We can rely on our friends more than you can rely on yours.
Count Olaf: Is that so? Have you learned nothing after all your adventures? Every noble person has failed you, Baudelaires. Why, look at the idiots standing next to you! A judge who let me marry you, a man who gave up on you altogether, and a sub-sub-librarian who spends his life sneaking around taking notes. They’re hardly a noble bunch…And every second, more associates of mine get closer and closer.
Violet: So do our friends.
Count Olaf: Only if they’ve managed to survive my eagles.
Klaus: They will. Just like we’ve survived you.
Count Olaf: And how did you survive me? The Daily Punctilio is full of your crimes. You lied to people. You stole. You abandoned people in danger. You set fires. Time after time you’ve relied on treachery to survive, just like everyone else. There are no truly noble people in this world.
-A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Penultimate Peril
“Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, why? Why do you do it? Why, why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting… for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although… only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win. It’s pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?”
-Agent Smith, The Matrix Revolutions
Vaas: Who gave you that ink, hmm? I asked you a question: who give you that ink, hmm? Citra give you that ink, my sister give you that ink, huh?You think that makes you one of us? You think that makes you like me, huh? California boy has got a hard-on for jungle fever. I’m gonna drive (whistles) a bullet through my sister’s skull… like I did your brother Grant.
Jason: Fuck you.
Vaas: You are angry, Jason. You… are angry. Okay, I get that. I get it. I mean without family who the fuck are we? There was a time I would do anything for my sister, I mean the first time I ever killed was for my sister…. Not enough for her, no, no, no, no, no, please. You see the thing about our loved ones, right, our FUCKING loved ones, they come and they BLINDSIDE you every fucking time. So they say to me, they say Vaas, Vaas… who the FUCK is it going to be?! THEM or ME?! (violently beats his chest) MEEEEEE!!! OR THEM?! (chuckles) Like… like you know… like they fucking think that I need to make a fucking choice. (beat) By the way, this lighter really sucks. You know, so much for poetics? It’s really too bad that Citra had to ink you up, because now the only way to kill you is to erase you completely. (Lisa sobs) Shhh… it’s okay… alright, it’s okay. Jason, I swear to God, man… it’s truly beautiful that you’re willing to die for the one you love. (tosses a match in the room)
-Far Cry 3
Famine: Have you wondered why that is? How you can even walk in my presence?
Dean: I like to think it’s because of my strength of character.
Famine: I disagree. Yes. I see. That’s one deep, dark nothing you’ve got there, Dean. You can’t fill it, can you? Not with food, nor drink; not even with sex. Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me. I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated; you can’t win and you know it, but you just keep trying, just keep going through the motions. You’re not hungry, Dean, because, inside, you’re already dead.
“I’d just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party. That all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn’t come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn’t come either because you don’t have any other friends, because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file. Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. “Shall. Not. Be Mourned.” That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that’s funny too.”
“Ooh- are we negging? Let me try! You look like you’re going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you’ve finally figured out what’s holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around. But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn’t due to some obstacle. It’s who you are. The thing standing in the way of your dreams is; that the person having them is you.”
-Danish, XKCD 1027
Lord Batman: Think about it - a world where there’s no crimes. No victims. No pain.
Batman: And no choice! Who elected you, anyway?
Lord Batman: Who elected *you*? The problem with democracy is, it doesn’t keep you very safe.
Batman: It has other virtues. But you seem to have forgotten that.
Lord Batman: *I* didn’t forget! I just chose peace and security instead.
Batman: You grabbed power!
[Batman appears behind his Lord self, and raises a Batarang… ]
Lord Batman: And with that power, we’ve made a world where no eight-year-old boy will ever lose his parents because of some punk with a gun!
[Silence. The batarang drops to the ground, and Lord Batman spins around, seeing Batman there, hands lowered]
Batman: You win.
-Justice League, A Better World
“You’re really getting worked up over this, aren’t you? Don’t kid yourself into thinking you can help any of them. You know that they’re going to wind up dead no matter what you do. And then what happens? You’re left with nothing, that’s what. The smart thing to do - the only thing - take whatever’s important to you and run as far away as you possibly can. You act like you have a conscience, but you’re just being sentimental. Isn’t that right,Hohenheim? You think you can change things? You honestly believe that one act of caring will make you human? How could it - look at your own face! Humans are nothing but a resource, and if we don’t use them they’ll spread like weeds. You can’t change reality, only your perception! Tell me what you think you could actually change, the nature of their species? They will always be weak and frightened creatures!”
-Father, Fullmetal Alchemist
Batman (Terry McGinniss): The “real” Batman never talked to you much, did he? That’s probably why you were so fixated on him.
Joker: Don’t play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
Batman: Oh, I don’t need a degree to figure you out. [takes out the lights] The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
Joker: I’m not hearing this!
Batman: Get a clue, clowny! He’s got no sense of humour. He wouldn’t know a good joke if it bit him in the cape… Not that you ever had a good joke.
Joker: Shut up… Shut up!
Batman: I mean, joybuzzers? Squirting flowers? Lame! Where’s the A-material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
Joker: Show yourself!
Batman: You make me laugh…but only because I think you’re kinda pathetic. [starts laughing in mockery]
Joker: Stop that!
Batman: [keeps laughing] So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached, and decided to become a supervillain. What, you couldn’t get work as a rodeo clown?
Joker: Don’t you DARE laugh at me!
Batman: [still laughing] Why?! I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
Joker: YOU’RE NOT BATMAN!!! [throws grenades all over the place]
-Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
“I’d like to share a revelation I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with their surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague. And we… are the cure.”
-Agent Smith, The Matrix
Miko Miyazaki: Vile unnatural abomination! You shall never succeed in your evil quests!
Xykon: Meh. As last words go, I’ve heard better. Time to die, paladin!
Xykon: Hey, just a tip: if you want to start begging for mercy, now’s probably the time to go for it.
Miko Miyazaki: I shall not give you the satisfaction. I have no fear. The blessing of the Twelve Gods has removed all traces of fear, magical or otherwise, from their paladins. Death does not scare me.
Redcloak: Wow. And you have the cajones to call Xykon, “unnatural abomination”? With a straight face?
Miko Miyazaki: Excuse me?
Redcloak: Think about it. Is there anything more natural than the fear response? “Fight or Flight,” it’s one of the most basic instincts there is. But thanks to your meddling gods, you’ve got no fear at all. Which leaves you with, what, “Fight or Fight Some More”? No wonder you’re so angry. Maybe that’s why you paladins are so full of yourselves. You’re immune to the fear that you might be wrong. Immune to the fear of becoming tyrants. You know what else has no fear? Constructs. You’re at least as unnatural as Xykon.
Miko Miyazaki: You dare compare me to the undead?
Xykon: You dare compare me to a paladin?
Redcloak: Hey, sure, Xykon might be a skeleton stripped of its dead flesh and forced into an unholy semblance of life by arcane powers too terrible to even consider, but at least he cops to it!
Xykon: Amen, brother! Preach it!
Redcloak: Face it, human. You’re every bit as much of an “unnatural abomination” as he is, with the extra added bonus of being a myopic hypocrite. Now if you’ll excuse me, this 100% all-natural goblin has an army to lead.
-Order of the Stick
“Why don’t you just put the whole world in a bottle Superman?”
-Lex Luthor, Superman: Red Son
“Do you know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the little… emotions. Ya see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are… so in a way, I knew your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?”