cahuenga boulevard

You might be a pulp/retro aficionado if:
  • You ever tried to play chess with yourself, inspired by Philip Marlowe (you actually can’t).
  • Your dog is named Woola.
  • You wonder who on social media has the “Innsmouth Look.” I’m guessing Sean Davis and Trey Gowdy.
  • You actually tried to solve a personal issue using Null-A logic.
  • Your ideal imaginary girlfriends are Thuvia, Pat Savage, Princess Margaret the Black Flame, and Telzey Amberdon.

  • You keep a short wave radio by your bed to protect you from Vitons.
  • You once tried to visit the Cahuenga Building on Hollywood Boulevard and were secretly crushed to find it was a bank instead of a PI office.
  • You once visited the 85th Floor of the Empire State Building and were secretly crushed it was just an observation deck, no stuffed pterodactyl in sight.
  • You’re terrified of even mentioning the Shaver Mystery online because it might attract Shaver Mystery cranks to you.
  • You’d give most any worldly possession to ride the “flea run.”
  • You once forced your little brother to play Jetan (Martian Chess) with you, with post-its over checkers.
  • You curse whatever moron prevented Will O’Brien from following “King Kong” up with “The War Eagles.”

  • You’re still pissed about L. Sprague de Camp’s edits to Conan the Barbarian.
  • The following comparison makes sense to you: Nate Silver is Hari Seldon, and Donald Trump is the Mule.
  • You constantly mention that Superman is based off Philip Wylie’s “Gladiator” to the point it’s gotten goddamn annoying.
  • You’ve called an evil ex-girlfriend a “total Shambleau.”
  • You have used the stroke-victim 30s slang from the Lensman novels in your everyday life. “On the beam and on the green, clear ether for your flit!”
  • You organize your personal cliques based on the number system in “Last and First Men.”
  • You’re optimistic about up and coming new, young writers like, uh, Roger Zelazny.