cagney's face is the best face and i need it on my face

Brooklyn Nine Nine High School | 1

Overview: Brooklyn Nine Nine High School has an odd assortment of staff. Jake Peralta’s students get the highest grades in any English class, despite his carefree attitude, much to the annoyance of his by-the-book colleague, Amy Santiago, who can’t seem to find a way to make math class fun. Finals are coming up, and all the students are stressed. Gina can’t take any more kids coming to her, crying over their report cards, drowning away their sorrows through substance abuse. Rosa’s getting tired of chasing after students that are smuggling cans of beer. Principal Holt expects the teachers to make sure Brooklyn Nine Nine doesn’t lose its place as the #11 best high school in New York by the end of the year.

Author’s Notes: AU where the characters of Brooklyn Nine Nine work in a high school. Jake is the English teacher, Amy teaches math, Charles teaches Home Ec, Gina is the guidance counselor, Terry is the gym teacher, Scully teaches art class, Hitchcock teaches chemistry, Rosa is the security guard, and Holt is the principal.

Tags: @iwantyoutochooseme @jasonblossomsghost @dorkperalta @notsarasblog @diamantecioccolato @peraltiagoisland @umbreellaa @kukkiduchess @captainswan618 @queennhowell @notnormalalert @countessklair @catnolannn @victorieschild  @wheneverinrome @stardust-on-the-tardis @magnxtize

Ratings: T

Warnings: Beyoncé. IDK if y’all need a warning for this but here ya go.

Word Count: 1,659


Chapter One: The Beybeys Are Late

“Peralta, you’re three minutes early. For once, you’re not late. I’m impressed,” Principal Holt nodded as the English teacher walked into the teachers’ lounge, hair still ratted, teeth barely brushed, wearing a sweatshirt on top of his pajama pants that he forgot to change out of.

“He probably got up early so he wouldn’t miss his morning cartoons,” Amy Santiago said with a smug look. She sat on the couch; legs crossed, back straight, arms folded over her three binders, containing the lesson plan for her geometry class. She arrived an hour early, since she has five alarms that makes sure she wakes up in time to put together a healthy breakfast and shower. Her pantsuit didn’t have a single wrinkle, and not a strand of her chestnut hair was out of place. She sipped her black coffee and sat back in her seat.

Gina strutted in after Jake, wearing her Chanel sunglasses and holding her Starbucks Unicorn frappucchino in her hand. “Sorry, ladies. Jake coming in early is my fault. Or, Beyoncé’s fault, to be specific, but I’d never accuse Beyoncé of doing such a thing, so I’ll gladly take the blame on this one. Bey owes me,” she explained.

“Were y’all waiting for Beyoncé to give birth!?” Terry asked excitedly after taking a sip of his power shake. “I’ve never been this excited about a black woman giving birth to twins since my wife Sharon gave birth to Cagney and Lacey!” he said as he bounced up and down in his tracksuit. He continued, “And don’t even get me started when Blue Ivy was born! That was the greatest day of my life!”

“What about when your third daughter, Ava, was born?” Jake asked.

“Right, right, right. Her, too. She’s important, too,” Terry quickly nodded.

Charles chimed in, “as much as I love my son, Nikolaj, I gotta admit, I am ready for these Beybeys to be born!”

The entire room erupted into a groan. Gina proclaimed, “Charles, as a certified member of the B-Hive, I can officially say that that word is a whole new level of extra. And that’s coming from me, the queen of extra. I’m so extra I order every single extra topping at Chipotle, no matter the cost.”

“Believe me, I know,” Charles replied. “You don’t think I noticed you stealing money out of my pocket before lunch break?” He turned to Rosa. “Why would you teach Gina how to pickpocket? Did you not consider that I would be her victim?”

Rosa ignored Charles and looked straight at Gina. “So you and Jake just hung out and waited for Beyoncé’s kids to pop out of her? Why didn’t you invite me?”she demanded.

“Well, you seemed more of a Rihanna fan to me,” Gina replied. Rosa continued to glare. “Listen, the twins haven’t emerged yet. We can stalk every celebrity news site tonight. We can also bet on what Bey’s gonna name the kids. My money’s on Purple Reign and Red Moss,” Gina reassured her. Rosa’s look softened. She nodded in agreement.

“Wait, who’s Beyoncé?” Scully asked, his face covered in yellow splotches.

“Beyoncé is one of the most famous female singers of all time. She is the definition of black excellence. Get woke, Scully!” Hitchcock informed, wiping a chip off the shoulder of his lab coat.

“Scully, it’s not even first period yet. How could you have possibly gotten yellow paint on your face already?” Jake asked with a look of disbelief.

“Oh, this isn’t yellow paint. This is breakfast.” Scully wiped the yellow off his face and licked his fingers.

Jake grimaced, but decided to ignore that. He made his way to the coffee maker. “Peralta,” Principal Holt’s voice boomed. “It will take approximately three minutes for you to brew your coffee, and first period starts in one minute. You won’t make it to class in time if you wait for coffee.”

“I’m sure my students won’t mind if I’m two minutes late, like how I don’t mind if they’re thirty minutes later,” Jake argued.

“You don’t write in your students as late?” Principal Holt asked.

“Traffic happens, people sleep through alarms, I understand. If someone comes in late, I mark them as present the whole time. I don’t want to damage their record if they’re late too many times,” Jake explained.

“This is unacceptable, Peralta.”

“I always mark my students as late, even if it’s by five seconds. If you’re not in my classroom by the time the bell rings, you’re late. I work so hard to prepare these lessons, every second counts. I will not let my students waste my time, after all the hard work I do to make sure they get a good education,” Amy proudly announced.

“Ms. Santiago knows what she’s talking about. From now on, Peralta, you need to mark on the attendance sheet which students are late,” Principal Holt ordered.

“Geez, all this lecturing just for a simple cup of coffee!” Jake complained.

Charles spoke up. “You can have my coffee, Jake!”

“Thank you, Charles,” Jake said as Charles handed him his coffee. As he rose the beverage to his mouth, his nostrils picked up the wretched aroma. “Oh, God!” Jake winced as he slammed the cup onto the table. “What did you put in that?!”

“Oh, you know, what you usually put in coffee. Milk, sugar, pickle juice, a teaspoon of honey.”

“No thanks, I’m good,” Jake said as he handed the coffee back to Charles.

Amy stood up. “I have to get my class. I didn’t finish my coffee. You can have it, Jake.”

“No, it’s fine, Rosa has a flask of vodka in her utility belt, I’ll ask her for a sip later,” Jake replied.

Principal Holt’s voice rose. “You brought alcohol onto school grounds?!”

Rosa’s eyes widened. “No, of course not! I need to go, later,” she said as she darted out of the room, with Principal Holt following her closely behind.

Jake turned back to Amy. “Well, I guess Rosa won’t be sharing her flask with me anytime soon,” he shrugged.

“Take my coffee,” Amy insisted. “I feel bad. My speech about coming in on time put you in trouble with Principal Holt.”

“You know he’s not here, you don’t have to address him as Principal Holt now,” Jake reminded.

Amy shrugged. “I know, but it just doesn’t feel right to disrespect Principal Holt, to go against the rules that he installed. He does so much to keep this school running. I just want to hold up to his standards. I can’t imagine what it would be like to run this school, to be in such a high position of power.”

Jake was about to reply with a snarky comment, “Yeah, well, keep imagining it, because it’s never gonna happen. The only time Holt would step down as Principal is if he dies, which won’t be happening in a long time, dude’s got the heart of a bull. You’d be an old cat lady by then, still trying to wipe the eggs off your house windows after your former students egg your house every Halloween.” But he didn’t say that.

He looked at Amy as she was staring off into space. Her eyes had a child-like twinkle of hope. She really wanted to play that role. And he knew she doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants. A small smile rose up from the corners of his mouth. He knew he couldn’t bring her down. He decided to pull her up.

“You won’t have to imagine for long. You’ll be running this school before you know it!” he encouraged.

Amy grinned from ear to ear. “You really think so?”

“I know so. And before class starts, please go a little easier on your students. I get that you always come to class on time and you want that amount of respect to be reciprocated, but not everyone is a superhuman that sets five alarms and comes to school an hour early. You gotta be more understanding if you want your students to like you back,” Jake pleaded.

Amy pursed her lips, trying not to react to Jake calling her a superhuman. “I’ll take that thought into consideration. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna be late to class!” She paced down the hallway.

Jake smirked. He crossed his arms, leaned against the wall, and watched that brown ponytail bounce down the hallway. The bell ringing brought him out of his trance. Students flooded the hallway. Jake navigated his way to his English class through the maze of teenagers. He made it, with five seconds to spare.

The Price of Freedom Ch 4

Here we go! Another new chapter finished!

Once again, big thanks to @suspicious-spirit and the many other fans supporting this fanfic! Just knowing that you are reading it and loving it makes me motivated to continue on with it! :D

CH 4

Walking through the door of their apartment, the first thing Cagney saw was Nathan sitting in his armchair and smoking a cigar. The deadly nightshade flower looked up and gave a huge smile when he saw who it was. He put out the cigar, stood up and spread his vine arms wide to hug the carnation.

“Ahh, here you are, babe! Welcome home!”

Cagney didn’t move as Nathan planted kisses on his face. Noticing his boyfriend’s silence, Nathan frowned. “What? You still mad about what happened?”

Cagney snorted. “What do you think?”

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Their Confession

“Cagney, I–” Lillian stammered, letting go of Dracena. They turned around to face him, trembling all the while.

“You’re–You’re not real!” Cagney cried, flinching away. “You’re some figment of my imagination! Y-Yeah, that’s it! I shoulda never started talkin’ ‘bout you!”

“Cagney… We’re real.” Dracena said solemnly. She moved to float beside Lillian, reluctant to reach out for him. She looked like she wanted to say much more than that, but given his reaction, now wasn’t the time.

Lillian opened their mouth to say something, but they were cut off by Cagney letting off a loud screech.


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Floral Fluster - Ch. 2

Title: Floral Fluster
Warnings: Contains mentions of gambling and vague alcohol abuse
Chapters: 1/2/?
Word count: 4,543
Relationship: Mugman/Cagney Carnation (relationship)
Other characters: Cuphead, Elder Kettle, Rumor Honeybottoms (briefly mentioned), Hilda Berg (briefly mentioned).

Summary: Inkwell Festival is in a few weeks time, and Rumor insists that Cagney goes to it. Perhaps insisting he goes with Mugman might be the encouragement he needs to come out of his shell?

Author’s notes: I’m so so sorry this took a while. I really am. University sucks, life sucks, everything sucks. However… I am rather proud of this part. I sifted through and edited out all my mistakes this time. 

As mentioned in the first part, if you are new here, Cuphead and Mugman are both, in fact, older. They are at least 17. I suppose this can be read as a one-shot, like the first part, perhaps…? Also, has the name for this ship changed? I’ve seen the tag “tea leaf” being thrown around here and there. I’ll use both, regardless, but ah well.

Also, I do apologise if Cuphead or Elder Kettle seem a little out of character. I wasn’t exactly sure how to write them. I’m so sorry.

But, without further ado… once again, please enjoy! 

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Floral Fluster - Ch. 1

Title: Floral Fluster
Rating: General
Chapters: 1/2/?
Word count: 3,152
Relationship: Cagney Carnation / Mugman, Cagney Carnation / Rumor Honeybottoms (friendship)
Other characters: Cuphead (mentioned), Elder Kettle (mentioned), The Devil (mentioned)

Summary: Inkwell Festival is in a few weeks time, and Rumor insists that Cagney goes to it. Perhaps insisting he goes with Mugman might be the encouragement he needs to come out of his shell?

Author’s Notes: This was intended to be a collection of one-shots. But I wrote way too much for it to be one fic. Though, I suppose this works well as just a one-off, I do plan on adding more to it sometime.

I was mainly inspired by all the cute Flower Tea fanart here on Tumblr, so I finally worked up the courage to sit down and write something after not writing for a very long time. My writing is very rusty, please forgive me. 

Also… not sure exactly how to use Tumblr yet? I don’t know if it’s good for fanfiction or not, I suppose we’ll see.

I hope you enjoy. Hocus pocus… I’m out.

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