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WORDS THAT I AM ASHAMED TO ADMIT JUST MAKE ME LAUGH LIKE AN OVERGROWN CHILD WHEN I READ THEM IN A POINTLESS LETTER, No. 113: “Bunghole”

POLITICS: It’s 100 days to the 2015 General Election and as the campaigning gets into gear, Britain is poised to hear what parties from all sides of the political spectrum have to say on a key policy area: Creme Eggs.

Pointless Letters has been able to use key inside contacts to get a sense of what manifesto commitments will be made in the run-up to May:

CONSERVATIVES: “We pledge to index-link the price of Creme Eggs to Faberge Eggs, and will make it illegal for anyone on benefits to even look at one.”

LABOUR: “We promise we will never ever go to war to secure another country’s Creme Egg stockpiles or natural fondant reserves. Honest.”

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS: “Please don’t throw them at us.”

UKIP: “You do all know they’re brown, right? Is no-one else worried about this?”