cactus needle

Anti Imagines...

{Brought to you by the wonderful suggestions of @pfftwhatnoimhuman}

Imagine Anti being forced to live with Signe and Sean. They can’t very well let him loose on the streets, now can they? They have a room for him upstairs where he usually keeps to himself, but from time to time, the Green Glitch gets bored. And when Anti gets bored, chaos ensues.

Imagine Signe meeting Anti for the first time when he glitches through the wall into the kitchen as she’s making pancakes. Anti thinks nothing of suddenly appearing there, but Signe nearly jumps five feet in the air and arms herself with the skillet she’s using to make the pancakes as Anti practically falls over giggling.

Imagine Sean hiding all the kitchen knives from Anti, but Anti always finds them and enjoys playing target practice around the new house. Sean is beginning to run out of hiding places when Signe gets the bright idea to hide them inside a bag of frozen vegetables. Anti won’t touch those with a ten-foot pole.

Imagine him dropping in on Signe when he’s bored. She’ll be lounging, enjoying a cup of tea, when Anti glitches through the floor with a, “Boo!” After about the fiftieth time, Signe simply rolls her eyes at him and throws a pillow at his head.

Imagine Anti dropping in on Jack’s recording sessions, right in the middle of a critical part in the game. Anti gets into the recording equipment, messing with the audio and video and glitching into view. Then he spends the next few days refreshing every social media page, drinking in all the Anti hype. Sean has a theory that the mysterious “Anti Fanart” folder that appeared on his computer was compiled by the glitch himself.

Imagine him trying to threaten Signe. It’s late at night, and she’s just scrolling through her phone before bed when she hears a gravelly, layered voice mutter, “I could kill you.” And Signe just shrugs, “Yeah, so could another human, or a dog, or a very committed duck.” She looks up from her phone and smiles at him sweetly. Anti growls and stomps away because how dare she use memes against him!

Imagine Sean asleep on the couch, just taking a mid-afternoon powernap to get him through the rest of the day, when he feels something cold and sharp pressed against his neck. His electric blue eyes snap open to see Anti’s evil grin and his crazed, black eyes looking down at him. Sean rolls his eyes, “What do ya want now, Anti?” Anti pouts and kicks the couch. “We’re out of chocolate chip cookies again…”

Imagine Anti finding Signe’s cacti and attempting to juggle them. Signe and Sean hear a few crashes along with a string of curses, and they run upstairs to find Anti trying to piece the little pots back together. He’s got cactus needles stuck in his fingers, and Signe thinks he might be trying to hide some frustrated sniffles. So, she helps him pick out the needles while Sean goes to get the broom.

After they get everything cleaned up, Signe insists that Anti have dinner with them. It’s a bit awkward, sitting around the tiny table with both boys poking at their food and refusing to eat. Signe tries to make conversation only to get a sharp, “I’m a monster, not a house guest,” from Anti.

“Just eat your chicken nuggets and shut up, Anti.”

Letters from Frida Kahlo

1.
Dear disabled artist,
do not busy yourself with sorry
no pigment holds apology
as well as it carries your anguish.

Do not be sorry
for your pain,
the rancid flesh of your heart.

They will war over your body,
Death, a spectacle of flowered braids.
They will dream away the crippled Commie,
the lame baroness of Marx manifesto
but, they will keep the brow

like a lifeline, the valley in the pulse.
Vitals, the hair on my face was no accident.

2.
I was never an artist first,
the hurt came, a puberty
of shattered hip and pelvis,
the sheared womb,
the surgeries a monthly menstruation

to put me back.
As if the able body was my default
as if the kid-cripple died at impact.
To resurrect a normal woman,
a doctored ideal, franken-stitched
from a gimp girl corpse.
Recovery wasn’t meant for me,
no grayscale glinted scalpel would change that.

The accident was a puberty, a miscarriage, a eulogy;
the phoenix birth of artist, still it burned.

3.
Promise to create. Dear
crippled poet. Do not stop
the flurry of soul. Do not stop
the tragedy. Your heart,
however fast
the decay, still beats a smile
at a glimpse of homeland,
father’s eyes when he laughed,
the soft whine of your dog.

Give your ailment a name,
coerce the devil until you find yourself a twin.
Embrace the misery as bitter tequila, burn
your ears, adorn your sick
in yellow daisies, take them prisoner.

Hold your captives,
cactus needle close, as lovers
and remember your power.

4.
Always paint in bed.
your pajama spine like chipped china.
The hue comes monsoon season;
leave the damage splattered sheets,
remember to make love in puddles.

Your prosthetic is lingerie,
withered muscle an aphrodisiac
your facial hair a weapon.

Dress Tehuana to hide the backbrace,
keep the cane close by, the derby handle
a small consolation of a lover’s hand.

Paint your portrait fifty five times;
write the same poem over and over
until the page is opaque as cinder and bled with ink;
take your own photo, full-tooth
lipstick and furry upper lip.
Create the masterpiece you’ve always needed,
but never apologize for your pain.


- Tray Leigh Dahl

Why I hate coconuts

We were playing Dungeons and Dragons and coming up to the big finale boss fight. House rules are that three 20s = instant kill.

The party decided to allow their pet sentient cactus to fight along with them after teaching it how to throw and retrieve a coconut. I went along with it for the laughs, treating it as an improvised weapon with pretty large negatives on dice rolls.

The very first round of the fight went to the cactus. The cleric instructed Needles the Cactus to throw his coconut at the boss.

MFW 20

MFW 20 20

MFW 20 20 20

MFW my uberboss was one-shotted with a coconut

MFW I had to think of how a coconut, thrown by a two-foot tall walking cactus, had managed to slay a black dragon.

So my new friend @starryoak and I came up with some Nurse Offstill/Captain Underpants interactions: 

  • CU has a very deep respect for Nurse Offstill because George and Harold like and trust her so much. Whenever they meet he gives her a salute or a sweeping bow. When he does this, she shakes her head in disbelief and exclaims, “Krupp, what ARE you taking?!” And he’s just like, “Take?! I would never take! A superhero does not steal!” 
  • CU: Are you in need of any assistance today, Nurse Offstill? 
    Offstill: You need assistance, Krupp. 
    CU: Are you offering to help my sidekicks protect the world from evil?
    Offstill: Sidekicks?! Krupp, you hate them! Just last week you confiscated their lunches and banned them from the cafeteria! I had to feed them in my office!
    CU: *gasps* I WOULD NEVER!
  • Above is basically how all their conversations go, with Nurse Offstill trying to make him remember that he’s Krupp and CU fervently denying it. 
    Offstill:  Look! See that band aid on your finger?! I gave you that! You got a bad paper cut while confiscating George and Harold’s comics!
    CU: Oh, that. I just assumed it was from evil defeating. 
    Offstill: I bet you think that rash I know you have is from evil defeating too. 
    CU: Is that what that is? *had no idea why he was feeling so itchy* Thank you for telling me, health related citizen! You truly are as helpful as my sidekicks say!
    Offstill: *facepalm* 
  • When CU gets injured and George and Harold can’t get him to go to the hospital, they call Nurse Offstill. “Nurse O? Can you come? It’s a real medical emergency this time.” (They once got her out of a bad date by calling her about a fake medical emergency.)
    -CU once made a crash landing in a cactus garden so Nurse Offstill had to pluck cactus needles out of almost every inch of his body.
    Offstill: So, Krupp, what have we learned today?
    CU: I have learned that my landings must be better calculated! 
    Offstill: *sighs* Good enough. Now take this extra strength aspirin with this tea and go to sleep.
    -The very next week he lands in poison ivy. George and Harold call her and she has to come running with lotion. 
  • CU is in return very protective of Nurse Offstill. Once, he catches her running away from yet another bad date, and…
    CU: Nurse Offstill! You are in distress! Are you fleeing from a monster?!
    *Her date was nice at first but then he turned out to be a far-right Republican. So she ditched him by climbing out the restaurant’s women’s bathroom window*
    Offstill: Yes, but not the kind you’re thinking of. 
    CU: Point me in its direction and I will vanquish it for you!
    Offstill: As much as I’d like to see you beat the crap out of that guy, I also don’t want to see you go to jail. Just forget about it. 
    -And then he insists on escorting her home. “I must see that you make it home safe and unharmed!” He won’t be shaken off so she just gives up and accepts his offer. He’s floating beside her all cheery-faced for the entire walk back to her apartment building and she’s just grimacing and thinking, “This is so, so, SO weird.“

subtle charm for your window

i recently came up with an idea for a simple charm/spell that im gonna share here step for step. it can be used for any intention, and can be put on any glassy surface.


the two most important things youll need are window paint like this

youll need one for the outlines (i have a black one here) and for coloring the inside you can use as many colors as you want. these are usually available in any art supply store or even really basic stores for school and crafts supplies for children (i think theyre not more than 2$ per tube usually but not sure)

then youll also need a sheet protector (the things you use for keeping papers and documents and stuff) like this

apart from those two things, all you need is stuff to help charge your charm, what you use for that is completely up to you- it can be herbs, spices, rocks, feathers, tarot cards, literally anything that you can fit into the sheet protector works. just pick some things that you have available and correspond with your intended purpose and youll be fine.

-

so first what you need to do is decide what image you want to use. it can be any animal, plant, object, symbol, it can even depict a person or deity. you dont really need artistic skills for this as long as the image you pick isnt too complicated.

all you gotta do then is paint your chosen image on the sheet protector

since i am making my charm for protection and warding off evil spirits, and they are also my favorite plants, i decided to go with a cactus as my image.

heres what it looks like when the outlines are done

this will take approximately an hour or a little more to dry (as you can see i put a sheet of paper inside the sheet protector. thats because i drew the cactus on the paper first so all id have to do is trace the lines, to make it easier)

after an hour of drying you can fill in the colors as well

then it should look like this (or hopefully yours will be prettier and not as messy as mine lmao)

once youre done painting your image, you can take all your ingredients you wanna charge it with into the sheet protector (i already did that in the above image). i used various herbs and spices, a cactus needle, a rune stone, and i also wrote my intention on a piece of paper and folded it up and put it in as well.

the finished painting will take around 24 hours to completely dry. simply let it sit with all the ingredients inside like that, and let it charge.

once the whole thing is dry, you can just pull the picture off of the plastic (it shouldnt be hard to do but it can rip if youre forceful) and then stick it to a window, or any glassy surface (you dont need any glue or whatever, these colors are specifically made for sticking to glass by themselves once theyre dry)

there you go! a simple charm that you can put on any glassy surface.

-

what i specifically like about this is

- that it can be used by closeted witches as well since no one will be suspicious about it, and even if someone asks about it you can just say its for decorative purpose.

- that you can use any motive that fits your purpose, be it a plant, animal, person, deity, symbol, etc. if you dont have to hide your craft you can even just flat out use a sigil

- you can charge it with anything you like, so if youre naturally more drawn to herbs you can just use that, or if you feel more comfortable using rocks, use those. anything that works for you, and fits into the sheet protector, will do just fine.

- it can fit many different purposes, depending on what you charge it with. for windows id suggest things that deal with either protection and warding, or things like inviting spirits/friendly people/customers/etc into you home, for mirrors you could use them to boost confidence/beauty/etc, or for car windows (in places where they dont have any impact on your view of course) they can be charged with safety, protecting you from accidents, or helping with quick rides and avoiding getting stuck in traffic. basically, whatever you can come up with, and whatever resonates with you, you can use.

-

if anyone wants to do this for themselves and decides to share it on here, feel free to tag me in it! id love to see what you guys do with it, and what you come up with.