by which i mean almost not at all

10

All these portraits look slightly similar, and there’s a reason for that: all were made by the same early 18th century artist of which we almost never hear about: Rosalba Carriera.

You may think; “So you mean that there was this woman who was an artist but was neglected by history (or the way history has been written) even though she was awesome, and in this case, totally influential in art all around Europe, and most of us HAVE NEVER HEARD ABOUT HER?!”. Yeah, I mean exactly that. BUT today is the day to learn a little bit about her and take a look at some of her work.

Rosalba Carriera was born in 1673 in Venice in a middle-class family and started helping her mother making and designing lace, but soon she turned to portrait miniatures, and her career as an artist started. Some people consider that she was trained by Giuseppe Diamantini (pure speculation) or by someone else, but the fact is that there is no record of her education and she was most likely self educated (I have to say that if she was a guy, the self-taught part wouldn’t even be questioned. WHY.)

ANYWAY, her miniatures became quite popular, and if you were a wealthy person in the grand tour around Europe, you wanted to have your portrait made by this lady, who was the first artist to paint the miniature portraits on ivory instead of vellum. By 1703-4 she changed the miniatures to pastel, which became a medium appealing to the Rococo style thanks to its softness… and talking about Rococo, Carriera was a VERY influential artist from this movement, because of her style (clearly Rococo) becoming popular and making her travel around Europe and selling pieces to kings, court members and collectors, making the Rococo style being known while she traveled. I know, she was a rockstar.

Both her sisters were her assistant during the time her work was most popular helping Rosalba work on the many portrait jobs she took, but her sister Giovanna kept working with her until her death in 1738, which caused Rosalba to turn into depression. It did only get worse as her vision failed at the end of her life, getting blind before dying in 1757. Awful way to end an artist’s life, if you ask me.

Still, even though she’s not that famous nowadays, she was a VERY successful artist in her time and became a strong influence in other women artists like Catherine Read, Adélaïde Labille-Guiard and our beloved Élisabeth Vigée Le Brun.

This was supposed to be a short post, but no XD Sorry about that.

Images from top:

  1. Self-portrait Holding a Portrait of Her Sister Giovanna, 1715, Uffizi Gallery.
  2. Charles Sackville, 2nd duke of Dorset, 1730.
  3. Horace Walpole.
  4. Portrait of a Man, ca. 1710, Metropolitan Museum of Art.
  5. Pisana Mocenigo, née Corner (or Cornaro), Gemäldegalerie Alte Meister.
  6. Portrait of Wilhelmine Amalia of Brunswick-Lüneburg, Holy Roman Empress, 1730, Gemäldegalerie Alte Meister.
  7. Louis XV of France as Dauphin, 1720-21, Gemäldegalerie Alte Meister.
  8. Portrait of Antoine Watteau, 1721, Museo Civico Luigi Bailo.
  9. Africa, Gemäldegalerie Alte Meister.
  10. The Art Collector and Artist Antonio Maria Zanetti the Elder, Nationalmuseum (Stockholm).

To the poets and writers..

Many, if not most of you, have had the great good fortune to begin your writing with the internet, social media and perhaps even Tumblr itself well established. Which means you might not truly appreciate how lucky you are to have an outlet, forum and audience. I imagine sometimes you feel a little morose over not getting enough ❤s and you envy the people who get reblogged constantly, but there are plenty of us who spent literally decades writing for no audience at all, figuring nobody would ever see our words. I’ve been writing for almost 40 years, and until recently I was my only audience. My parents encouraged my fiction when I was a teen, but then felt compelled to constantly give me the reality check of the high improbability of ever getting rich and famous writing. Ignoring my explanation that that wasn’t why I write. I write because the stories want to be told, the poems need to be written.

Even my love poems had no play. I tended to get involved with smart, articulate women who didn’t have time for poems. One told me I was an idiot for writing poetry. “You aren’t going to make a living writing stupid poems. You’re not getting rich writing that shit! Nobody is! Name me the Stephen King of poetry. There isn’t one!”

Another liked the first poem I wrote her, but after that she said “Okay I get it. You love me, I’m great. Whatever. You can tell me. You don’t have to write this crap down.”

Now, I found a few women who liked my writing and tried to encourage me. But they were always in relationships already, usually with assholes. Which actually applied to me as well. Kind of like “Hi. What’s that? You’re in a volatile soon to be self destructive relationship with a high probability of emotional and psychological abuse? Oh my God! I’M in a volatile soon to be self destructive relationship with a high probability of emotional and psychological abuse! Crazy, huh?”

Anyhow, I tried to get published, collected 35 rejection letters, became overly self critical and hyper sensitive about exposing myself to further impersonal rejection and simply went back to writing simply for myself with no expectations that anybody would ever read any of it.

And now there’s this. Whatever outside, non involved critics want to say about porn/militant SJW’s/ overly political correct blah blah blah on Tumblr, I see creativity unleashed , exposed and encouraged. So if the ❤s aren’t there for you yet, remember even two is more encouragement than a lot of us old folk ever got.

.

Keep writing.

i sent off my ucas (uni applications) yesterday, which means i’m a lot less stressed and i’m almost at 500 followers (!!!) and i’m currently all wrapped up in my bed and i wanted to do something so i thought - detailed blogrates!! i do these all the time on my multifandom blog but i thought i’d do them here for once!

r u l e s :

i will be doing these all week, so please be patient!

format under the cut:

Keep reading

This photo was taken about forty miles from Portland, almost an hour ago (EDIT: By which I mean Monday night, around 10:30): 


They’ve closed the major highway that’s next to the river, I-84 (this photo was taken from the opposite bank of the Columbia River). They had to evacuate several towns, and rescue 140 hikers. The most recent estimate I can find is 4,800 acres are on fire. 

The sun has been red all day. The moon is so obscured by smoke it’s dark red and barely visible even though it’s only a few days from full. 

It’s raining ash so heavily in Portland that people are comparing it to the ash fall after Mt. St. Helens blew in 1980. Right now, at night, in the headlights of cars it looks just like snow flurries. On my two-mile bicycle ride home I kept having to blink it out of my eyes (it feels like sand, almost). It’s collecting on flat surfaces. I tried to breathe through my nose but then my nose ran too much–I’ll probably ride to work tomorrow with a scarf over my face. I kinda wish I had either prescription swimming goggles or a snowboarding mask or something. 

Only a third of houses in Portland have a/c and it’s super hot still; I can’t imagine being someone with asthma and no a/c right now. Just the bike ride home gave me a mild sore throat. 

Pika (aka barking mouse bunnies) make their home in the Columbia River Gorge. It’s one of the most beautiful parts of Oregon and Washington. And a huge stretch of it is currently on fire–because some fucking dipshit on a hike at Eagle Creek set off fireworks, despite the fact that we’ve had zero rain for like two fucking months. 

*pounds fist on table* ok i need to talk about the god-tier klance moments in s3e03 “the hunted” because damn there’s a couple scenes that are so powerful and important and i just….holy shit. buckle up, y’all.

this episode is fucking great for a lot of reasons, but one of my favorite parts of it is how much it shows the development of keith & lance’s relationship: especially 1) how good lance has become at grounding keith & helping him control his reckless impulses, and 2) how keith feels like he can be open and honest with lance about his fears/insecurities––which is a big fucking deal because we’ve almost never seen him do this. 

the first scene that really struck me is this part where keith is leading the team after lotor and it’s just….a big mess. he’s not thinking about keeping the team together. allura’s falling behind and he’s not paying any attention. he’s not considering that this might be a trap. all he can think about is diving in headfirst without considering the consequences.

and then this happens:

uhhhh….oh my god??

look, we know how keith gets. we know how hot-headed and stubborn he can be. i mean listen, we’re talking about this kid who literally tried to fight zarkon by himself.

and yet…..even in the middle of this intense chase, lance gets through to him. he brings keith down from that battle-rage and makes him see reason. and he does it in a way that’s straightforward and brutally honest (“you’re endangering the team and you can’t do this”) which i think is exactly why it works. that’s the kind of direction keith needs, and tbh out of everyone on the team it makes the most sense that it comes from lance.

i’m just

me: hey can i get a fucking uhhhhh lance being keith’s impulse control
dreamworks: *gives me this*
me: *kicking down the door* HOLY FUCK MOM

and look i was already sobbing over this one small part but then we get THIS….THIS SCENE….

oh boy oh wow where do i stART?!

god damn this scene is beautiful––visually, thematically, it’s just …. so powerful and significant.

first of all i need to freak out a little over the way the scene is set up and how wonderful the symbolism is. 

it starts with keith literally in the shadows, and then slowly emerging and drifting up towards lance with their lions facing each other. lance & red are above keith & black which is really interesting.

as we all know, keith is the leader right now. and yet, both literally and figuratively, he’s not positioning himself higher than lance––in fact, he’s doing the very opposite. and his lion doesn’t have her head lowered in shame either; the lions are directly looking each other in the eyes (which i feel like is pretty damn rare??) and that’s very meaningful. everything about the visual setup of the scene just screams openness, honesty, vulnerability. 

(side note: also wow @ that red and blue background, amiright)

and then we have everything that keith says. and boy….there’s so much to unpack here:

- he admits it was his fault and he led everyone into a trap
- he also admits that everyone warned him (lance warned him) and he wasn’t listening
- and because of that he put everyone else in danger

and man i gotta give huge props to steven yeun here because his voice acting in this scene….jeez it broke my heart. keith says all this so quietly, his voice is literally shaking. shit, he sounds close to tears. this is possibly the closest we’ve ever seen keith to totally breaking down and it’s just…..it hurts so much and it’s so important.

it really hits you in this moment that keith is a kid. he’s a teenager!! he didn’t want to lead the team & he doesn’t know how to do it. he can’t do it by himself. he doesn’t say any of that explicitly here but it’s 100% clear that that’s exactly what he’s saying.

and he says this to lance of all people. lance, his supposed “rival”! you would think lance would be the last person he’d want to turn to for reassurance or to blatantly admit “wow i fucked up real bad.” and yet….here we are. it’s moments like these that really prove that under the surface, these two don’t hate each other in the least. they like each other. they respect each other. they rely on each other!! (*whispers* space ranger partners….) 

and lance’s response only proves my point even more. he could easily have said “i told you so” or otherwise berated keith for his mistake. but he doesn’t! his answer is:

- yes, you messed up.
- but we’re going to fix it. we. i can’t stress that enough! he doesn’t say “you messed up and now you have to do something about it.” he doesn’t say “you messed up and now i’m going to take over and do something about it.” he’s essentially saying “yeah you made a mistake but that’s in the past….and now we’re going to take care of it together.” 

and that’s?? so great?? because keith more or less admitted that he was feeling this huge burden weigh down on him, and lance––in his own subtle way––lifted that weight off keith’s shoulders. he’s reassuring keith that he’s not alone in this. *wipes tears from my eyes*

and if all that wasn’t enough, keith immediately saying “you’re right” makes it all the more significant. he’s openly admitting once again that he fucked up, but he’s also agreeing with lance’s statement that they can still turn things around and fix his mistake as a team. which is…..wow. 

tl;dr - everything about this pair of scenes just proves how keith & lance work so well together and need each other. it shows how important it is for them to be open and honest with each other, and demonstrates how they both have that capability. 

and i’m gonna scream about it for a hundred years. 

well, since daca is getting repealed I have to renew my permit before October 5th which means I’ve got a month to pull almost $500 out of my ass so if you want to help with even just a dollar I would really appreciate it

PayPal.me/morales0


EDIT: I have reached my goal but if you would still like to donate I would really appreciate it as I’m in college and we all know financial aid is a joke & I will also be giving money back to other people looking for donations when I can ❤️

Ways to enhance your intuition

Exercises:

These exercises can be done in two ways. You can either pick one paper up and try to guess what is on the paper, or you can think of a paper and try to find it in the pieces of paper. If you feel you need more pieces of paper by all means add more. If you work with deities, your higher self, spirits of any sorts, please feel free to invite them to help you with these exercises, if you’d like.

  • The number exercise: cut four, same sized pieces of paper with the numbers 1-4 written on them. Turn them downwards and mix them up. Pick one up and try to guess which number it is.
  • The shape exercise: cut four, same sized pieces of paper, and draw a star, a heart, a circle and a cube on them. Turn them downwards and mix them up. Pick one up and try to guess which shape it is.
  • The color exercise: cut four, same size pieces of paper, and add a different color to all of them. Turn them downwards and mix them up. Try to guess which paper has which color on them.
  • The quiz exercise: find a quiz online that you know nothing about - this may be a science quiz, a pop culture quiz, a quiz about a band, or the Viking history quiz. Take the quiz and try to guess the answers.
  • The object exercise: Get a older object, works best if it’s given by a friend do you and examine it. Try to pick up the objects energies and try to see/hear/smell the person that the object is tied to. It’s best done with a friend because they will most likely know some information about the person and they can tell if you’re right or wrong.
  • The card exercise: Pick one card up from a deck and try to see the color, the shape and the number of that card. You can also do this with tarot cards, try to feel the cards energies.
  • Divination: it’s a great exercise for enhancing your psychic abilities and the range of tools you can do divination with is enormous. So, find the one that calls to you and start divining. 

In my experience these are the main exercises which you can sit and work on but they’re not the only ones. Intuition can be worked on throughout the day even in the most mundane tasks:

  • Try to guess who texted you or is calling you before you pick up the phone.
  • If other people cook for you, try to guess what you’re having for lunch before seeing it.
  • Try to pick up what your friend is going to tell you before they do.
  • Try to guess when the light is going to turn green at a traffic light.
  • Think of a person, and try seeing what they’re doing at the moment. After you’re done, ask them whatsup.
  • When talking to a friend on the phone try to see what they’re wearing, what their hair is like, and/or what they’re doing and ask them.
  • When you get up try to sense what the weather is going to be like today.
  • When at the store and you’re waiting in line try to sense how much the person before you needs to pay.
  • Tell a friend to think of a number and try to guess that number.
  • When listening to music on shuffle, try to sense what the next song is going to be.
  • When people close to you talk on the phone try and sense who they’re talking to and ask them afterwards. (only if they’re comfortable with it, not all people would like their privacy invaded, my friends and family know why I’m doing that so they’re cool with it)
  • Try to sense what a close friends text is saying before you open it, or try to sense why they’re calling you.

These are all I can think of a t the moment, hopefully in the future I’m going to add more. Basically anytime, anywhere when you have some space left to guess what’s going to happen, do it.

MEDITATION: I can’t stress how important meditation is, especially to witches, mages, shamans, and all occult practitioners in general. I know it sounds boring when people tell you to meditate but we all need some time to relax and clear our heads. And in the moments of blissful relaxation we let out soul speak to us the most thus coming into our strongest potential where we can energetically change our DNA and rewire our brains. In the moment of deep relaxation you can focus on cleansing your pineal gland / increasing your intuition. 

I like to imagine purple/indigo color and lavender flowers coming out of my pineal gland spreading and covering my whole body and aura. I also like to imagine roots stretching from my pineal gland bursting through my forehead opening an eye in the centre of it. I like to massage the centre of my forehead, and I like taping an amethyst to it lol.

There are lots of guided meditations on youtube, which are extremely helpful, and there are lots of binaural beats and isochronic tones, which are also very helpful. Just find your comfort zone to working on the pineal gland and focus on it. Don’t feel bad if per say, isochronic tones don’t work for you but storm sounds do work. Find your comfort zone and work within it.

Also you might want to check out Sun Gazing, which is a very powerful exercise you’re going to need to dedicate yourself to. 

Pineal gland detoxification: 

  • Avoid ingesting fluoride - I know this is hard, seeing at the people on top put fluoride in literally everything knowing what it’s doing to our brains. But there are alternatives, the internet is a huge place and you can find almost everything there. Avoid fluoridated water, fluoridated toothpaste, GMO fruits and vegetables, soda, all artificial foods and drinks. Try to eat healthy and organically and if possible reduce eating meat - and cutting it off completely. 
  • Avoid sleeping with technology in your room if possible - this means wireless routers, mobile phones, computers etc. The pineal gland is suppressed by electro magnetic fields.
  • Avoid or if you can, completely cut off all sugar, caffeine, tobacco, alcohol and drugs.


Once you’ve detoxified your body and pineal gland it’s time to start working on activating and boosting your pineal gland:

  • Spend time in sunlight every day - or as much as you can. Practice sungazing as well, and it is best done when the sun has risen or in the moments it’s going away because the sun is the weakest then and it can’t harm your eyes and it won’t bother you.
  • Oils and incense - 
  • Sleep and meditate in complete darkness.
  • Commit to meditation every day.
  • Dedicate rituals to your third eye - whether it be a bath ritual, once in a full moon ritual, a day of the week ritual, or whenever you feel like it ritual, do it.
  • Practice yoga, especially Yoga Nidra as it is the most powerful yogic practice to increase the blood flow to your pineal gland.
  • Eat food that boosts the pineal gland - raw cocoa, coconut oil, lemon - the body’s best friend, basically the master of detox, garlic, raw apple cider vinegar, goji berries, watermelon, honey, hemp seeds, iodine, vitamin K1/K2, boron, bananas, alkaine food, chlorophyll rich foods, oregano oil, sea moss, walnuts, turmeric and melatonin.
  • Crystals that stimulate the pineal gland - amethyst, lapis lazuli, clear quartz, moonstone, sodalite. You can meditate with these crystals on your forehead daily, you can tape a crystal on your forehead and stay like that for a while, or you can massage your forehead with it.
  • Chant - there are a lot of chants to boost your pineal gland, you can google some, I’ve found that OM works best for me.
  • Plants that enhance intuition - ginger, gotu kola, ginkgo, skullcap, elder leaf, berries and flower, fennel, lavender, lemongrass, saffron, bay leaves, rosemary, honey suckle, anise, eyebright, lotus, mimosa, sandalwood, burning acacia, cinnamon, buchu leaves, celery, lilac, mint, mugwort, solomons leaf, frankincense, jasmine, lemon, peppermint, rose, sage, vanilla and star anise.
  • Oils - bay laurel, carrot seed, galbanum, german chamomile, grapefruit, myrrh, nutmeg, palo santo, petitgrain, roman chamomile, sandalwood, st. john’s wort, angelica root, eleni, juniper, frankincense, rosemary and patchouli.
  • Incense - ambergris, bay leaf, anise, cinnamon, frankincense, honeysuckle, jasmine, lemon, lemongrass, lotus, magnolia, peppermint, rose, sage, sandalwood, vanilla, heliotrope, basil and eucalyptus. 

And most important of all - trust your gut! The problem with not listening to our intuition is when our rational, logical mind interferes and tries to come up with logical solutions as to why your intuition is wrong. Whenever you get that gut feeling, just go with it, don’t question it. Also always remember to protect yourself when working on your pineal gland, seeing as we are more open and vulnerable to psychic attacks during these moments.

10

We dedicated our whole day to it. The first half of the day was just the camera movements. And then we got into, it was, as you know, it’s one take, so we had to get everything right. Each attempt that we had at it. And it’s incredibly tricky because it’s not like a long tracking shot with two people speaking; it’s a long tracking shot with people punching. If one punch doesn’t land, it no longer works. It ceases to work as a scene. So I think we did it 12 times. I think three of them, we made it all the way through to the end. And one of them was the one in the show, which is kind of almost flawless. I mean, it’s very hard to find holes in that. - Charlie Cox on Cut-Man Hallway Fight

Energy Tethers 101

Updated (again): 04.28.17

*this post is fueled by angst*

Okay, no, seriously though, it really does make me sad that so many people seemed to have no idea what I was talking about when it comes to connecting things for energy transfer.


So, what even is an energy tether?

I personally use the term “energy tether” to describe this type of energy work, but they could be called anything - energy cords, energy feeds, etc. Basically, it’s a metaphysical connection to allow a direct and continuous flow of energy from a source into a target. And I say target, because it doesn’t need to be an inanimate object - it’s possible to do this with yourself too.

That sounds a little convoluted, Richtor; can you break it down a bit more?

Yes, I know, I’m fancy with my words. You’re creating an energetic line between two things, one thing to be used as a battery, to allow energy to constantly flow from the battery into the second thing, keeping it charged / powered forever.

Are you serious?

Yes.

Why don’t we do this for everything in magic?

Honestly, I don’t know. If you’ve got an understanding of energy work and visualization, it really isn’t even that hard to create one. It can even be done with representational magic if you really wanna go that far, but it’s not that complex when you get down to it. 

I’m assuming it’s just a case of, people don’t think about it like that, or, it wasn’t as widespread a thing as I thought it was.

Can’t we just do this with passive charging, like how we charge things in moonlight?

Yes, but objects only hold a limited amount of energy before they become full; once you’ve used up the energy, you need to recharge it again. Creating an energy tether allows a constant flow of energy, so as it is being used up by your intent or goal, it just refills itself.

To me, passive charging is no guarantee that the energy will stick or be absorbed by the object, and that is also why I prefer things that require focusing on the energy yourself (direct channeling), or this method.

What *can* you use energy tethers for, anyway?

Basically anything you want to keep charged for extended periods of time. Optimal for sigils, any sort of charms - hell, you can even connect thoughtforms / servitors this way. But, seriously, anything you want to keep constantly charged with minimal effort, this is a way to do it.

What can you use for “batteries” or power sources?

Anything that produces an almost endless amount of energy. The sun is the first and most obvious one I think of. You can use anything else that produces a lot of energy, though. If you live near a dam, or those electricity windmills, those would work. Power lines and electric generators are awesome, and a great way to incorporate different feels of energy (and tech magic) into your practice. Space, even; like, the entire damn thing. If it produces energy, it can be tethered.

What do you mean about different feels of energy?

This isn’t specific to tethers - all things that have and produce energy have different “feels” to them. The sun is more hot and energetic than the moon, which is cool and calming. Rose quartz is a bit more gentle than, say, jasper, which is hot and fire-y. Tiger’s eye is more solid and stable than clear quartz, which is fluid and mold-able to almost any intent. 

We all experience feels of energy differently, however; these are just how I “energetically feel” those things.

(You also don’t need to “feel” anything to still do energy work, but that’s like a  whole ‘nother post.)

Can you tether to something that doesn’t have unlimited energy?

Sure, yeah, but you’ll drain it, and then it won’t be fulfilling its purpose anymore.

So, you could use yourself as a power source?

You could, but it’s super draining and I wouldn’t recommend it. That object would constantly be taking your energy away from you, and it could have bad consequences, including physical ones - physical exhaustion is a side effect that can occur when you use too much of your energy, and I see it happen often to people who are not careful about their energy expenditure.

However.

You can create switches for your tethers. As in, you can cinch them, close them off, to stop the flow of energy. Like you can turn on a pipe to get water flowing, then shut it off just as easily - you could create a “modification” for a tether similar in that manner.

Can these energy lines be broken?

Yep, absolutely. You can do it yourself if you no longer want them, someone else could do it if they could sense them, or they can naturally fade over time if you don’t give them proper upkeep and care.

Wait, upkeep? What happened to endless energy?

Yes, upkeep. You’re creating something to funnel energy, with energy. Energy needs to constantly be molded and kept in shape, or else it tends to just drift away. It really isn’t that hard to upkeep, though.

How do you keep your energy tethers safe from other people? 

Just program that into them when you make them.

Any disadvantages to using an energy tether?

It depends on how you view the term disadvantage. 

I think the thing that energy tethers lack is that bit of personalization that we often talk about being important in witchcraft. For example, you can keep a thoughtform powered by the sun, but it won’t contain your energy, won’t be as personally tied to you as if you charged it with your own energies. That can lose a lot of impact, when you really think about it, especially considering the nature of thoughtforms and the like.

Not to mention, you can overwhelm yourself with energy if you use a tether to connect yourself to an external source that produces more than your body can handle. You know how you can be overwhelmed by external energies, just by walking around? Yeah, now imagine that pumping straight into your body without a natural exit channel. Not fun.

Are there any other applications for energy tethers?

Fuck yeah. Use them to draw energy out of a target, in the form of a curse - literally sap their energies away so they have none left for their daily lives.

You can even connect yourself and another person with energy tethers, if you want to be able to share energy more freely and with more ease. (This is basically what I did with @ashesforeverashes​, in a sense.) 

Some people don’t like their energies taken without consent, though, and certain witchy protections can even prevent these sorts of tethers from forming in the first place, so keep that in mind.

Okay, all this talk about tethers, are you gonna show us how to make them?

Only if you ask nicely.

Please?

Okay that’s better. 

It is essentially just a combination of energy work, intent, and visualization.

The first thing you need to do, is have an object you want charged.

Now, pick an energy source. You don’t need to be able to see it, but it can help.

Relax yourself, clear your mind if you can. Hold onto your object in your hands. 

If you can, look at your energy source; this is clearly not applicable with the sun, so close your eyes and have your face turned toward it. If you can’t see your energy source, picture it in your mind as clearly as you can. Try to get a feel for its energy as well as you can, too. 

Once you are confident with your source, imagine a cord connecting from it and to your object you want to keep charged. A nice visualization for this would be seeing the particles form together out of thin air to form your tether - literally materializing out of nothing and attaching to the source, creating a line that is slowly building down from the source and to your object. This can be done in whatever way you wish - just make it.

Take as long as you need to allow the cord to be build from your energy source to the target - it can take some time, depending on the distance and how experienced you are with energy work.

While you are creating it, focus on any attributes you want it to have - a thick cord that is hard to break, a shimmery appearance so no other magic users can see it, etc. Keep in mind the purpose of the cord, what you want it to do, how you want it to behave, and fuse that into it as it is being formed. If you wish to incorporate a switch, in order to turn on and off the flow of energy, now would be the time to do so - more visualization and intent, and declarations of “I can halt this flow of energy whenever I desire” should do the trick.

Once the cord is in place, you want to draw energy from your source and into the object, through the tether. Make it clear that energy only flows one way through this particular tether. Continue to draw from the energy source and down into the target, until you begin to feel the energy flowing through the tether naturally. Once energy is accumulating into the object on its own, you know the tether is complete.

For the upkeep; about once a week or so, focus on the tether and visualize it still being strong, without any gaps for energy to sift through. See a smooth, clean flow of energy from your energy source and into the target. If there are any obstructions, break them down and funnel them out.

What was this “representational magic” method you mentioned?

Oh yeah. 

As a boost, you can have a representation of your energy source physically attached to the object or target, if you can. So, for example, you could have a tiny model of the sun, connected to the physical vessel for a thoughtform, by a piece of string. This can help keep the energy tether strengthened in a “physical” aspect, especially if you bind the physical to the energetic. Not to mention, just looking at it, you are reaffirmed that the tether is there and the object is charged, and that can assist with the upkeep.

Are there any “modifications” for energy tethers?

Totally. You can change the “material” you make the tether out of. Think of how people can put spikes onto personal shields, or make them have reflective surfaces - it’s sort of like that, but moreso changing the tether itself into something besides a beam of light. It can be a black cord like the ones electronics use; it can be made out of natural rope or hemp; it can be just a metal pipe that the energy slides through. Try to think about how each “material” might impact the flow and/or feel of energy.

You can also have one tether break off and charge many items at once - you don’t need a separate tether for each thing. Just focus on your tether and how it can fork, and imagine another branch coming from it naturally. Or, if you’re adding a separate line after the original tether has been “installed,” imagine a separate line growing or being molded from the first and down to the new object.


And there you have it - my post on energy tethers. Obviously this isn’t complete or all encompassing. This is just my view on these energetic cords, what they are, and how they can be made and used. I wrote this off the seat of my pants, but I think I covered everything I intended to. (And it feels hardcore like the old windvexer posts to me, which I’m not bothered by lol.)

I hope this helps you guys, or inspires you, or whatever. If you have any more questions, I… guess I can open my ask box, as long as y’all behave. Good luck, and have fun!

A Guide to The Adventure Zone metaplot

So recently, I re-listened to the entirety of TAZ in prep for the ending and took notes; as we head into the finale next week, I wanted to share them! This is a comprehensive look at every plot thread, bit of foreshadowing, and yet-unresolved ideas as we head into endgame. This involves heavy spoilers through the most recent episode (66) and assumes you have already listened or read the content before.

The full is under the cut!

Keep reading

10 Baby Facts for SPN Fic Authors

[I swear this is not a rant - it ISN’T. Honest.]

It is actually kind of cool to realize that you possess specialty knowledge that may be of use to others. Stuff that you didn’t really KNOW you knew, until, of course, you are reading along in a fic and something the author describes (or the character says) brings your brain to a screeching halt. “That’s not right – it can’t possibly happen that way…” And then you go and do actual research to back up your gut knowledge. This little FAQ is the result of one such realization.

My dad fixed antique and classic cars for a living from 1964 – 1978, owning his own showroom for 3 years near the end of that time. Born in 1966, I grew up playing in old cars, hiding in floorboards and exploring them to my heart’s content. Our family car for several years was a 1966 Thunderbird, but when dad went to car shows, we rode in whatever he wanted to show off. I’ve been in rumble seats, hard top convertibles, cars with windshields that laid down flat, and cars with no roof, doors, or walls of any kind. My 1st car was a fully restored 1966 mustang. Without really realizing it, I soaked up a LOT of inherent understandings about older cars. The information below is based in that knowledge, backed up with some internet research.

The following is true about Baby (the character in SPN, not necessarily the actual cars that play her): 

1) Compared to most modern sedans, Baby is BIG. Like REALLY BIG. She is 17 and ¾ feet long (5.4 meters) and 7 feet 8 inches wide (2.03 meters). Allowing for door thickness on either side and the gaps between doors and bench seat, I’m betting the front seat is a little over 5 feet wide. Given basic geometry and human skeletal limitations, this means it is not possible for the passenger to have their head resting against the passenger door/window AND place their hand on the driver’s thigh. If the passenger is in this position, the driver can,  at best, entwine fingers with the passenger’s outstretched hand. That’s IT (even with Sam’s monkey arms). Sitting up straight, yes. Slumped over, no. On the plus side, this is why the guys can, in fact, get some sleep in her (and have fun in the back seat).

2) Despite how big Baby is, she is kinda short. Baby is only 54 inches high (4’6” or 138 cm). INSIDE the car, she is slightly less than 4 feet tall total. This means that the following actions WILL make you bump your head (or butt or hands or feet) on the ceiling unless you are very very slow and careful: climbing over the back seat, straddling someone’s lap, taking off your pants or t-shirt (unless nearly lying down in the seat), and lunging across the front bench seat to attack someone bodily. And you will look graceless doing it. [Ahem, trust me on these, I KNOW.] Additional negative modifiers for Sam due to height.

More below the cut.

Keep reading

4

As a follow up to a post about DIY grimoires I saw last night, but can’t find again:
Being specialized in grimoires, I have worked with about 200 originals from the 16-/17-/1800’s. Here are a few spreads. As you can see, they are all quite a mess, which means your personal grimoire doesn’t have to be perfect!
Also, don’t worry about your book not appearing old and original - it will be in 50 years automatically. (Maybe even sooner, in these times where children almost aren’t taught handwriting anymore) 😄 Stay magical! @spiral-path @six-witch @witchy-infobook @witchy-woman @poisonerspath @incensepotionsandplants @lulloph @thebellwitch @sylvaetria @rosegoldwitchcraft @dark-occult-books @xxmoon-sistersxx @themanicnami @da-at-ass

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

As time passes, the bonds between the IPRE increase and that probably increases the power of the engine. Right at the beginning, though, as they’re racing away from one of the early worlds, Davenport has the sinking realization that it’s not enough. The engine is not running on enough power to outrun the apocalypse again, and of course it isn’t, because it was designed for a leisurely two-month exploration and not a high-speed chase. They’re not going to make it. And he thinks his crew must realize that, too, because they’re all nervously glancing out of the windows as he narrowly evades another deadly blow. 

Damn it all, they’re his responsibility, they look to him for guidance and he’s going to get all of them killed because he couldn’t do the one thing he’s best at well enough. They’re good people and they don’t deserve this. He doesn’t know why, but suddenly it’s vital that they all know that they’re more to him than just strangers. 

“If we don’t make it out of this,” he calls over his shoulder, “I want you all to know that it was an honor to travel with you.” He can’t turn his attention away from where they’re going, but he can feel their stares on his back. And, because he’s the best at what he does, he can feel the ship shudder slightly under him, gaining the smallest surge of extra energy in the engine. 

The bonds engine, which runs on bonds. Fuck.

Davenport calls out again, this time with far less gravitas: “If any of you want to, I don’t know, hug it out or something now would be a great time.”

It takes a moment for them to catch on, but they’re his crew, so of course they do.

“I think you have beautiful eyes!” It’s Barry, suddenly the approximate complexion of a tomato, and he’s got his face in his hands seconds later so it’s not even clear who he was talking to but the outburst sets the rest of them off.

“Lucretia, you have lovely handwriting even though I can’t read a damn word!”

“Magnus, for the love of whatever gods are watching, you are very brave but please stop getting yourself killed?”

“Those cupcakes without the icing that you made are kickass, Taako!” (And, somewhere in the background an indignant shriek of “Muffins? Do you mean muffins, Magnus?”)

“You make the best coffee at three in the morning which is some kind of fucking lost art, and that’s the only reason you’re allowed to correct my notes even though I was absolutely right about that last equation you erased, wasn’t I?

That was an accident, Lup - Merle I think your approach to both horticulture and religion are… uniquely inspired.”

“Davenport, you are a very brave leader and I appreciate all of the difficult decisions you make.”

They’ve almost got it. They’re almost there, they might make it after all, they just need a little more power. It comes from a very unlikely source.

“That’s just our luck, right?” Taako is looking out of the window, and he sees what Davenport sees, that the force chasing them is still just a little too fast. “Finally get used to having these chucklefucks around and now we’re gonna get eaten. Finally find some people worth keeping and boom, apocalypse. It’s fucking ridiculous.”

Everyone is staring again. Taako’s ears twitch lower as he realizes what he’s just said, aloud, at a clearly audible volume and obviously unintentionally. Magnus sniffles a little, clearly moved, and mutters “Aw, dude.”

Lup sneaks up on Taako and hugs him from behind, holding him firmly in place as Magnus and then the others join in. Davenport is the only one who notices the moment when they outrun the Hunger one more time, just barely slipping through its grasp.

(Davenport considers organized bonding activities after that, but he watches his crew make a mess of breakfast together the next morning, and he realizes that isn’t necessary.)

mikiri  asked:

Microfill: Cuddle Puddle! Someone got out of the Healing Pod and everyone wants to cuddle.

i’m sure this ‘someone’ will come as a big surprise. :)

When Shiro stumbles out of the cryopod, shivering and kitten-weak, the team is ready for him.

Keith and Hunk are first by Shiro’s side. Hunk wraps Shiro in a blanket immediately, the fabric warm and fresh from the space-heater Pidge built to live in the infirmary. Shiro burrows gratefully into the warmth. With Keith’s help, he staggers down to sit on the steps, blinking rather owlishly at the sudden light. Keith presses up against his side as Hunk drapes a second blanket over Shiro’s shoulders, just in case.

“You,” Pidge announces, hands on her hips as she bends down to exactly nose-height with Shiro, “are not allowed to do that again.”

“Noted,” Shiro croaks.

Lance snickers and butts Pidge gently out of the way, pressing a steaming mug into Shiro’s hands. “Here you go, Shiro. Drink up.”

“Thank you.” Shiro sniffs at the mug’s contents curiously, at first content to just hold the warmth in his hands. “What happened? What time is it?”

“Mid-afternoon,” Keith supplies. Shiro takes his first sip, humming with delighted surprise. Hunk beams, large hands bracing Shiro’s shoulders. Keith waits until Shiro’s taken a second and then a third sip of the hot chocolate before he clarifies: “Mid-afternoon, three days later.”

Shiro chokes.

“Don’t kill him!” Lance exclaims, quick-wrapping his hands around Shiro’s before Shiro can drop the mug. “He just got out!”

“T-three days?!” Shiro sputters.

“Which is why you aren’t allowed to do that ever again,” Pidge repeats, glaring.

“It was just a scratch,” Shiro protests weakly.

“Sure,” Lance says, “Scratches just so happen to be poisoned all the time. Coran says you were lucky. Don’t put us through that again, man. I’m serious. Keith got all morose and woopy.”

“I did not,” Keith says.

Lance presses the back of his hand to his forehead dramatically, the pose totally ruined by his shit-eating grin. “No, I can’t! I’m not ready to lead Voltron-”

“I’m going to kill you,” Keith growls. He makes no move to get up.

Shiro tilts his head back, locking eyes with Hunk. “Three days?”

“Three days,” Hunk confirms. He squeezes Shiro’s shoulders. “Which is why we’re taking the rest of the day off. Allura and Coran said the poison’s all gone, but you might be a little weak for a day or so.”

Shiro frowns down at his mug as if it would contain answers (or better yet, a fast forward button for recovery). “Do we have time?”

“We’re making time,” Keith says, firmly.

“That’s the leader-Keith we all know and love,” Lance crows. “Shiro, hurry up and finish your drink. We’ve got plans.”

Shiro blinks. “Plans?”


“Would you look at that,” Coran comments softly, several vargas later.

All five of the Paladins are fast asleep in the main lounge, limbs akimbo and sprawled heavy in slumber. Shiro’s stretched out the length of the curving couch, snoring peacefully. Pidge is curled up practically on his chest, glasses set neatly on top of the couch and guarded by four snoozing mice. Keith’s fast asleep along Shiro’s right, body twisted in a way that shouldn’t be physically possible but somehow keeps all of him on the couch and not the floor. Lance is on Shiro’s other side, squished comfortably between Shiro and the couch; Hunk’s asleep right next to him, legs tangled up with both Shiro’s and Lance’s. A soft pile of blankets covers all five of them, artistically tossed and kicked loose to not cover noses or the occasional foot. The light of the softly playing ‘moo-vee’ washes over faces and hair, highlighting shadows lined in sleep.

Allura smiles fondly, gesturing Coran down the hall so as to not wake their sleeping friends. “I suppose we can ask Shiro tomorrow if he is feeling better. Coran, what is the matter?”

“Oh, nothing.” Coran sniffs, indeed wiping away a nostalgic tear. “Just thinking. The Paladins of new, just like the Paladins of old!”

Allura sniffs too, more of a huff as she folds her arms. “Oh, Coran. My father never had slumber parties in the lounge.”

“Ah, the innocence of youth,” Coran says, fondly, and puts his arm around Allura’s shoulders as they head off down the hall.

highlights from my 12-person d&d session

Or, “How I Saved the World from Complete and Total Destruction… Oh, and These Eleven Idiots Were Here Too, I Guess” by Ilya the Bard

  • The halfling monk interpreted “no armor” to mean “no clothing at all” and also, “covered in oil.” The rest of the party didn’t want to get near him, which was unfortunate because we all had to squeeze together to sneak past some zombie giants, and the naked monk almost ruined it by scraping his bare butt against one of them
  • The tiefling sorcerer/warlock (or sorlock), a follower of the Great Old One, a cult leader, and ostensibly the most evil member of the party, spent most of the campaign buffing or otherwise aiding other party members. The paladin, who had vowed to kill him once the session was over, changed his mind by the end because “you’re all right.”
  • The paladin climbed a castle wall, launched himself at a Beholder, stabbed it in the eye with a spear and then hung there as the rest of the party piled other attacks on top of him, yelling, “I CAN TAKE IT!”
  • The Beholder cast Dominate Person on a few party members, but that didn’t do anything because we killed it before it got to their turn… in just over a single round of combat. Twelve-person party, man.
  • The drow rogue (named Drizzl Do’Furty) spent half of the campaign disguised as a Canadian suburban dad named Chad who stumbled upon the dungeon while looking for the Home Depot and just… stayed there.
  • Later, the rogue got swallowed by a Mimic and lost his disguise in the ensuing chaos. The paladin became convinced that the drow was someone else entirely and Chad had been devoured by the Mimic.
  • The rouge encouraged this by using his Helm of Telepathy to pretend to be Chad’s ghost.
  • The human fighter (one of several) didn’t use his weapons and instead just threw vials of acid at the bosses.
  • The naked monk, upon discovering that he was immune to poison, proceeded to cover himself with neurotoxin and drow poison to deal extra poison damage whenever he punched something. The rest of the party’s reactions to touching him went from “ew” to “oh hell no” and he was forced to travel at the back of the party, at least ten feet away from the nearest other party member.
  • My character, a half-elf bard, rolled a nat 20 on Deception and convinced a group of ilithid that we were Eldritch Girl Scouts selling cookies. They let us pass without fighting us, with an order to “leave the cookies here for when you die further into the dungeon”
  • A few rooms later, my bard rolled a crit fail on her Arcana check for a magic statue and became absolutely convinced that you had to eat the statue to proceed through the dungeon. She almost persuaded other party members to actually do it.
  • When the drow was swallowed by the Mimic, the sorlock used Eldritch Blast at least six times in a row to punt it, at intervals of 10 feet, out of a side room into the main room while the rest of us waited. We immediately dealt over 100 damage to it, which… killed it very very dead.
  • Upon facing the final boss, a gigantic red dragon, the dragonborn sorcerer attempted to seduce it by singing a traditional dragon courting ballad, Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You,” accompanied by the rest of the party.
  • He failed.
  • The sorlock polymorphed his horse (which he had been riding this entire time) into a T-Rex. The resulting wild magic surge made him unable to speak for the next minute, and instead pink bubbles came out of his mouth.
  • He counterspelled the dragon’s subsequent Polymorph spell on him by flipping it off with both hands. Luckily, Counterspell only needs a somatic component.
  • I inspired the dragonborn sorcerer, who was named Jeremiah, by singing “Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog.” He immediately spent it on persuading the dragon to kiss him.
  • He succeeded.
  • And then was KO’d by the dragon.
  • The dragon collapsed the bottom of the dungeon and sent us all plummeting into an infinite free-fall. Our party dealt with this in several ways, including:
    • Casting Feather Fall or Fly on themselves/other party members
    • Casting Feather Fall and then Fly on the T-Rex, and having other party members grab onto it
    • Dimension Door onto the back of the dragon (me, and the paladin)
    • Using a grappling hook to grapple onto the dragon’s tail (acid-throwing fighter)
    • Having another party member throw them onto the dragon, while both party members are falling (halfling monk)
  • The monk decided to run as far up the dragon’s nostril as he could in order to better deal poison damage.
  • The dragon was finally killed by 5 points of poison damage from the naked, oily, covered in poison halfling monk shoved halfway up its nose.
  • The world was saved. A glorious end.
Steven’s Mental Health in Season 4...

…and why he didn’t save the Rubies, unbubble Bismuth, or confront his feelings about Jasper.

Because there is a reason, brought to light by the events of I Am My Mom, and it fits rather well with Steven’s character as of late.

Throughout Mindful, he doesn’t want to think about what he’s gone through because his personal trauma from it is just too great. But then it all comes crashing down at the end, and he forces himself to confront it, right?

Well no, actually. At the end of the episode, Stevonnie just lands in the field and smiles at the sky. At the time, I criticized this for being a quick resolution, but now I realize that that was never a resolution at all: It was just Steven burying his emotional problems even deeper so that not even Stevonnie could be affected by them.

That’s why he doesn’t immediately go to make amends with Bismuth or Jasper or Eyeball: The traumatic stress he associates with their encounters override any sense of empathy he has towards them, and he subconsciously tries to forget so he doesn’t feel that guilt and can just go back to the way things were before (much like a certain singing Diamond he’s heard so much about…)

I think that once Steven’s mental state improves, he’ll consciously try to make amends.

Take a look at the next time Steven’s issues came to a boil, Steven’s Dream: This time, all it takes is a simple question from Steven and a panicked outburst from Garnet to drive Steven into an angry rant about “everyone lying” to him. The problems from Mindful were still eating away at Steven, he probably just didn’t realize it because he was pretty much avoiding those thoughts altogether, and for a while, it was working.

So, Steven goes to Korea, Greg gets kidnapped, and now Steven has a whole new set of things to be guilty over. No matter how justified his actions might have been, Steven’s biggest character flaw is his guilt complex, so he inherently feels responsibility for what happened. (And this isn’t recent, we saw a glimpse of it in Message Received when he blamed himself for Peridot’s supposed betrayal)

However, in the episode Steven’s just too busy worrying about his dad to hear “Oh Steven we’re so sorry” and he rushes them into space. They run into the Rubies and Steven does say “We’ll pick them up on the way back” but pay attention to his tone of voice: It doesn’t sound like he’s saying “Oh no they’re out here we have to save them,” he’s saying “Yeah yeah those guys yeah let’s get back to work and save dad okay” because Steven wasn’t exactly in the best emotional state at the time. I can completely understand his subconscious just NOT wanting to think about the Rubies at all because the events of Bubbled leaving a lingering negative connotation.

After Steven gets back, he’s forced to confront his demons yet again in Storm in the Room, but hey! Everything’s fine in the end because Greg got pizza and it’s all smiles…

Until we get to Lion 4 and he’s right back in the thick of an existential crisis. Sure, he gets a talk with Greg and this is resolved in the end…but is it?

Because by the end of that very week, Steven is giving himself up to be executed in his mother’s place. And all it took was a small mistake he made long ago, and a scenario in which there were no other immediate options.

So, to answer the question of why Steven supposedly let others suffer throughout season 4, it’s because he is suffering himself. He’s been wallowing in it all season, and he hasn’t done anything substantial about it because in his mind that’ll just make things worse and make himself a burden to others. I mean, look at what happened every time his true feelings rose to the surface:

- Mindful Education: Connie almost fell to her death.

- Steven’s Dream: Greg got kidnapped.

These were things that were resolved in the immediate, sure, but long-term? Steven doesn’t want anyone to get hurt, and he’s been indirectly led to believe that by confronting his problems, he’ll just cause others harm.

So we get to I Am My Mom, and he’s given a way out: Sure, he *thinks* he’s doing it to save the Earth and his friends, but subconsciously he’s doing it because it’s his ticket out of the mess he’s been stuck living in for the past four seasons.

The takeaway I get from Season 4 is that Steven’s emotional issues are much bigger than anyone could suspect, and that a million “Sorry’s,” “It’s not your fault’s,” fusion therapy sessions, and sweet words & smiles can only help him so far.

This isn’t the season of Steven letting people suffer for no reason; It’s the season of Steven suffering himself without anyone taking enough notice to do anything, to the point where he inadvertently lets people suffer out of his own desire to not make things worse.

“Don’t worry,” Greg & the Gems probably told themselves after Bubbled, Mindful Education, and the Zoo arc, “Steven’s fine now. See? He’s happy, he must be fine. We told him it was alright, he must be fine. If there was something wrong, we would know about it. He’s doing fine.”

Well he wasn’t.

Polydads

Also on ao3

Based on a post that @catsforartists made!

—–

When Amanda woke up, she decided to crawl out of bed to get a bowl of cereal. And eat it on the couch, of course.

“Ain’t nothing beat couch cereal.” She declared to the empty room and dug into her delicious and dangerously sugary cereal.

Almost immediately after taking a bite out of her cereal, she heard footsteps coming from her dad’s room, but, when she glanced up, she saw Damien walking by her.

“Good morning, Amanda dear.” Damien greeted.

“Mornin.” Amanda responded. She KNEW it. Her dad and Damien had been getting pretty close, so it wasn’t a completely wild assumption that they would start dating. And, of course, the footsteps she heard must be…

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

can we get some hcs for soft boy richie??

YESS HES SUCH A FUCKING SOFT BOY

(thank you @eddiesbadbreak and @stanleyuriis for some of the HCs ily)

- God, Richie is such a hopeless romantic underneath all the bullshit he spews.

- Richie is starved for attention and affection at home, which often makes him question whether he deserves that at all. So he craves attention so much, especially from Eddie.

- When they’re not bickering or joking around, Richie is so sweet with Eddie. But he definitely has to be in that mood. When Eddie is affectionate with him, calls him pet names or says that he loves Richie, Richie pretty much crumbles.

- Tbh the first time Eddie says “I love you”, Richie almost tears up because like… no one says that to him. It means more than anything because someone actually loves him and he loves them back and it’s all so amazing.

- He’s pretty sensitive, especially when it comes to his insecurities and his family situation. He totally does not show it often though, and the only people that know the true extent of how he’s feeling inside are Eddie and Bev.

- Richie is SUCH a cuddler, and often likes to be the one cuddled. He loves being the little spoon or being the one to rest his head on Eddie’s chest instead of the other way around. He loves laying with his head on Eddie’s lap when they’re with the other Losers.

- If Eddie runs his fingers through his hair, he melts instantly. He loves that shit.

- In general, he loves being taken care of by Eddie. He’s never had anyone take care of him before, so if Eddie ever acts that way it makes Richie so happy. It makes Eddie happy too because he’s always the one being babied, so he loves being on the other side especially because he just… cares so much and has so much love to give to Richie?

- Like one time Eddie packs Richie lunch for school and Richie’s like !!! This is what true bliss is. He’s smiling all day from this small gesture.

- It’s so canon that Richie keeps a spare inhaler for Eddie.

- Any time anyone laughs at his jokes it makes him SO happy. He feels awesome if people actually think he’s funny.

- Also if anyone compliments him, he’ll brush it off or make a joke out of it but everyone can always see how happy and mushy that makes him as well. He feels so valid when he feels like the people he loves love him back.

- Secretly when no one’s there, Richie and Eddie are SO fucking cheesy with each other omg. They call each other pet names. Besides the typical “Eds” or “Eddie Spaghetti” that Richie calls Eddie, he also very often calls him “babe” (which Eddie loves), or he’ll get real creative and call him absurd things like “Snicker Doodle” or “Cuddle Muffin” (which Eddie hates)

- Eddie will often call Richie “Rich”, “Red” or “Sweetie” and Richie dies every time he always gets butterflies in his stomach

- They go on cheesy dates a lot of the time: Stargazing, Rollerblading, even sharing a milkshake with two straws. A lot of the time though, the two like spending the whole day being lazy and staying in bed and eating junk food.

- Richie is super gentle with Eddie, but Eddie is also super gentle with Richie? Especially if Richie is upset, Eddie is so patient with him and will stay up comforting him all night if that’s what he wants. They’re just really careful with each other.

- Bev sometimes paints his nails and Richie really likes the way they look. He usually only lets her do one hand, though.

- Richie also loves when Bev puts hair clips in his hair to push his bangs back. She did it for the first time when making Richie do a face mask with her, but after Richie said he thought it looked really cute she continued.

- He even started doing it to keep his bangs out of his eyes when he was doing work at home. Eddie thinks it’s the cutest thing ever. Richie also loves headbands.

- Richie has THE LONGEST LASHES and SO MANY FRECKLES HE’S JUST SO PRETTY

- In general, Richie is actually so caring with his friends? I mean of course, he’ll roast and make fun of them to the moon and back but in reality they’re the most important people in his life and he would die for any one of them any day.

- No one would expect it, but he always remembers birthdays and anniversaries. He writes such long cards for all the Losers whenever it’s their birthday, talking about why he thinks each of them individually is awesome and making long lists of all the inside jokes they have together.

- He also is the best gift giver. His gifts are so thoughtful even if they’re small. He remembers what people told him they wanted months ago, or he gives them gifts that have to do with inside jokes. Things that only he could gift.

- Richie always stands up for any of the Losers without even a second thought. After Henry and his gang are gone, it’s rare for them to get bullied, especially in High School. If they ever do, it’s all verbal. They don’t really get beat up anymore. But if anyone is being a dick to any of his friends, he ALWAYS stands up to them and isn’t afraid to cuss them out, even if it means him getting detention.

- He also comforts them after they get picked on. Even underclassmen he doesn’t know. If he sees a freshman getting picked on, he’ll tell the bully to fuck off and smile so wide at the kid, telling them they’re okay!

- Tbh everyone in High School LOVES him. They think he can be kinda annoying sometimes, but he’s a genuinely good guy and he’s super funny.

- Richie is that cheesy boyfriend that picks flowers to give to Eddie. They also put flowers in each other’s long hair and Richie takes a million pictures.

- Richie saves and pressed into a book the flowers that Eddie got him after the opening night of the school musical he was starring in. His heart skipped a beat when Eddie brought him flowers and told him how amazing he was.

- As adults, Richie is so caring about Eddie especially after dealing with losing his arm. He’s so accommodating and supporting and just loves Eddie so much. After he knows Eddie is okay, all he wants is to have a happy life with him.

- As an adult, Eddie also calls Richie “Reggie” because of one time where another radio host introduced him as “Reggie Tozier.” Like you don’t even know how funny this was to Eddie. It made him tear up from laughter for like a full week after it happened, so to tease him sometimes Eddie will call him that. Richie acts like it pisses him off but he thinks it’s pretty funny himself.

- Richie’s the type of husband that comes home with flowers and is like “BAAAABE I GOT YOU FLOWERS AREN’T I THE BEST HUSBAND EVER”

- Holy shit Richie is SUCH a softie when it comes to him marrying Eddie and later when they adopt/surrogate children. Richie cries for half the wedding and then after they get their kids he tears up like EVERY damn day about it.

- He’s just so happy to actually have a family? For once in his life? Like HE built this. It’s HIS family. He gets to come home every day to such happiness it’s like unreal to him it makes him get choked up.

- BEFORE THEIR FIRST KID ARRIVES RICHIE CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW CUTE BABY SHOES ARE.

- HE BUYS SO MANY PAIRS OF BABY SHOES THEY’RE SO SMALL THERES NO WAY THEIR CHILD’S FOOT WILL BE THAT SMALL CAN ANYTHING EVEN BE THAT SMALL??

- BUT THEN IT IS THAT SMALL AND ITS AMAZING HE LOVES IT.

- Even as adults Richie and Eddie always go on such nice dates. They never get sick of being together, especially since they feel like they have to make up for so much lost time. When they’re back together as adults it feels like falling in love all over again except this time they can actually be together and it makes Richie thank God for real.

- It’s so fucking important for Richie to be a good dad since he knows what it’s like to have horrible parents. He just wants to do what’s right.

- Overall Richie is such a sweetheart under all those dick jokes. He’s so fucking soft and good. That’s all.

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck