Hello. I have returned after around 6 months. Probably more. Id like to explain my absence. I realised that the place I felt most safe was on this website. The people I considered by biggest base of support were usernames and profile pictures. For lent, I gave up social media. Including tumblr and this blog. Now I thought at the end of this I would run back to my blog and to my “friends”. but those 40 days were not as I thought they would be. I managed to stop cutting myself, which is so weird because its what I had been trying to do for years, and what most of my posts on here were about, about how much I wanted to stop cutting my self. But suddenly, getting away from this website managed to stop my spiral, a spiral that im sure would have lead to my death. I think that surrounding yourself with negativity, although it feels comforting and relatable, isnt going to help. And I dont think i realised that i needed to get better but now that I am fairly recovered, Its the best thing ever.
The other day I wore a short sleeved top for the first time in 3 years. And yes, I have scars. But the way I felt about those scars has also drastically changed. I still owrry that people notice them and that people think worse of me, but the people I know, I am proud. Not proud that I have scars, but proud that they are scars and not open wounds.
I have a great friend. Also my first real life friend in 3 years. Which is hard. Because I missed about 3 years of social development that most teenagers take for granted. So im not used to social interactions, most stuff people just assume.
I got through my exams. Now about 2 years ago I promised myself that I would kill myself before it ever got to there. And i had so many break downs in school and teachers asked, but what about your exams, because I just refused to do any work. and i was secretly thinking and smiling to myself, because I thought id be dead my then and I thought I wouldnt have to deal with them at all.
I got into a good school. Which is another transition for me. Im not good at transitions. So that scares me. But its for the best, but im leaving the people that know im fcuked up. Like most of my teachers know that im mentally fucked up, and that im covering up my fucked up ness when im normal. But this new school, they think im just normal. Which means I just cant break down. At the moment, people know I break down and I cant cope, but ill get kicked out if i break down at the new school. So thats alot of pressure just to stay put together.
I feel like im losing my safety net, and its the scariest thing ive ever done. Because at the moment, I know there are people I have, but im not going to have them soon, and thats scary. like if I fall, ill fall deep. And noting will catch me
On the note of diagnosis, I think that being diagnosed as something, might have ruined my chances of ever getting better. Just because its joining another spiral, and putting yourself in a box, and for me, a diagnosis would have been to decisive as if someone was saying “Youre also going to be fucked up”
Finally, recovery is good. Really good. But its not ideal. The ideal is that you never had to go through this in the first place, but you have, and im osrry, but the best thing you can do, is fake it till you make it. Surround yourself with positive influences. This probably wont cure you, but it will help. Its going to take time, it might even take a proffessional, but i promise its worth it.
I might continue posting, but it wont be the same, because all though people send me messages saying how much this blog helps them, I dont think this is true. It will be a blog about the difficuluties of recovery, because it is.
Thank you for reading this, and im sorry about the bad typing, but you have been a patint audience, and im glad to have ears to hear my voice
What people think I mean:
I get off on violence. I think hate sex is the best, don't think healthy and stable relationships are 'interesting' enough, and I purposefully sabotage all my relationships. I frequently ship characters with their abusers and consider dragging someone along and domestic violence 'grey areas' because if you look at context it really just means they love each other.
What I actually mean:
I love it when two people who hate each other, whether it be seemingly clashing personalities, or actual literal enemies (always enemies who balance each other out. Not 'anti-hero/villain guy constantly harasses heroine girl', but two people who are evenly matched and can hold their own against each other and even in hatred have somewhat respect for the other) who are fighting on opposite sides of a struggle, come together on equal ground and realize that they have more in common than they previously thought. When the two finally join the same side, whether it's due to the redemption of one character or what have you, they may not get along at first, but with time and effort the two eventually find themselves friends with the other. Only *after* they have an established trust and friendship do they then start to have romantic feelings for the other. The 'enemies to lovers' trope does not work if you cannot put 'friend' between the two.
Keith: I’m half-Galra. Dunno what my Dad was, but it doesn’t matter.
Pidge: Whoa, that’s so cool! I’m not entirely sure on all the details, but I’m probably, like, 25% Italian? Maybe less than that? Definitely have some British and Irish roots somewhere, maybe a little Dutch and German? A smidge of French?