ERIC: This is the same projector that I revealed to you guys that Kyle’s in the Illuminati, and now we’re gonna reveal another big secret to you guys; How I killed Trent Boyett.
ERIC: And it was totally legal ‘cause, y’know, self defense and all that.
ERIC: It all started when I woke up in the middle of the night, pissed off that I was being hunted by a crazy man and still had to do midterms the next day.
ERIC: So I thought, fuck the midterms, fuck school, I’m gonna steal their cheat sheet.
ERIC: So I bust into school, looking for the midterm answers that the stupid school people always leave with the school records.
ERIC: It’s 5 am and there’s some dudes around but I’m super sneaky so I get by easily.
ERIC: Then all of a sudden, Trent’s behind me with a knife on my back.
ERIC: Yeah, the pussy stabs from behind apparently. Anyway, the ratty hick says if I don’t tell him what I was trying to do he’ll stab me. So I tell this guy that I was just trying to get the answers to a test. And he says in his dumb accent, “wyell then, I think we can use this.” Like he’s some criminal mastermind or some shit. Please.
KYLE: Ugh… dude…
KYLE: You sounded exactly like him just now. STAN: …
ERIC: [sigh] Yeah… apparently we have really similar voices.
ERIC: That’s awkward.
ERIC: So anyway,then he pulls out a gun and tells me to text Kyle to lure him out.
ERIC: I ended up doing it because I didn’t have a plan. I tried to give Kyle hints but Trent was over my shoulder so I couldn’t give him much.
ERIC: Then he ties me up and for two hours I’m sitting in a boiler room for like 2 hours.
ERIC: All of a sudden I hear Kyle kicking the shit out of Trent next door, trying not to get stabbed. But I don’t know what’s actually happening.
Then after hearing Kyle scream SUPER FUCKING LOUD, Trent runs in and grabs me, dragging me to this warehouse place and tying me up to the wall. Yeah, the fucker tied me up twice. He double tied me.
He’s super pissy so he decides to just start carving letters in my back.
ERIC: It says “Never Forget” according to him.
Guess he was really passionate about 9/11.
After that he goes on a rant about how he’s gonna catch us all, stab us to death and write Never Forget on all of our backs. I think that’s a stupid plan, so I tell him.
ERIC: After a few tries, I actually convince him it’s a better idea to wait till he has us all gathered in one place and burn us alive, the way Ms. Claridge was burned alive. That way he won’t kill me right away and I have enough time for an escape plan.
So after a while Trent goes out to try and find Stan or Kyle. As soon as he leaves, Kenny pops in and tells me he’s gonna free me.
But you guys know me.
Once Trent left, I was free to bust out with just a little of Kenny’s help.
It takes a while to find Trent again but when I do, he has both Kyle and Stan held at gun point and Stan’s holding a fucking uzie or some shit.
I was thinking of just jumping in and choke-slamming Trent, but with that Uzie around I can’t do shit without risking getting sprayed.
So instead I go for the flank. Trent had hella tunnel vision so I could get away with crawling really quietly on the ground. He wasn’t gonna look down because he’s a dumbass.
Luckily I see the knife in his jacket pocket so I go for that… and while he’s giving his big gay speech…
I STAB HIM RIGHT THROUGH THE CHEST!
He screams like a pussy and starts bleeding out, and falls on the ground all rag-doll style.
Trent? Fucking dead. My friends? Happy to see me and in total awe of my greatness. Me? Fucking stylin on everyone.
And that’s the story of how I almost died but instead killed a man with my own two hands.
STAN: It’s great that you killed him and all, but
do you really think taking video of a slideshow was the way to go? Seems kinda lazy.
We could’ve at least reenacted it or something fun like that.
ERIC: HEY. I drew this with my own two hands. It took time and EFFORT. Appreciate my work, Stan! STAN: Effort, huh?
Alright, so Bastille at Union Chapel was my 20th Bastille show. It was magical. I’ve never felt so emotional watching these boys play a show. The gospel choir added this whole fucking layer. I’m so glad it was a seated show because I slumped in my chair and cried multiple times (namely at Oblivion and Get Home) but Blame was phenomenal. That fucking chorus. I HAD A LOT OF FEELINGS.