buying that shit for a quarter

4

The crew find it cute to watch Kíli and Tauriel stumble around their relationship, but this thing between the Captain and the first mate has been going on for 10 years and it’s just ridiculous at this point. 

(Nori: “It’s not love, it’s habit. He’s been doing it for so long it hardly matters.”

Dwalin: Here let me get you lots of fancy shit and then let you use my quarters to store it all in, and sometimes play the violin for you while you wear the fancy stuff I gave you.”)

From ch 32 of Paths in Starlight.

Cheating

161 who is it? Who are you seeing behind my back?

“Alright that’s it.” Aaron says dropping his fork and knife onto the table and looking over at you. You look at him in surprise.
“What’s wrong Aaron?”
“What are you hiding from me?” Oh shit. He knows. How does he know?
“What?” You ask with a small laugh, “I’m not hiding anything.”
“Yes you are.” He levels you with glare and you know he’s not buying it. “You’ve been sneaking around. Where were you last night when I got home? You’re never out that late.”
“I told you Aaron. I ran out of gas.”
“You never run out of gas. You get paranoid when it hits a quarter left.” He gives you a pointed look then sighs. “What other excuses do you have for me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Are you seeing someone behind my back?”
“What? No! Of course not Aaron!”
“I know I’m gone a lot but I never thought you’d betray me like this.”
“Oh my god Aaron! I’m not cheating on you!”
“Then where were you last night?”
“I told you, I ran out of gas!”
“You. Don’t. Do. That.” He growls. Damn him. Damn him for knowing you so damn well. You were just trying to get him a birthday present that would get him out of the country so he couldn’t work. Somewhere the three of you could relax and you needed his team to help you out. Could he just chill the hell out?
“Aaron, I love you. I’m not going to cheat on you.”
“Then what’s going on?” He looks like you’ve kicked a wounded puppy.
“Damn it Aaron!” You cry getting up from the table. You go to the bedroom and pull his birthday present out from under your bed. You stalk back into the dining room and drop the box on the table. “This. This is what I was doing. Go ahead. Open it.” You cross your arms over your chest and he unwraps the present. He finds the paper inside. It’s a week long vacation to Jamaica, for him, you and Jack. You’d been at Rossi’s ironing out the issue of time off for Aaron. Derek got you a sweet deal with a friend of his and Garcia had been keeping info away from him. You couldn’t have done this alone.
“So where were you last night?”
“At Rossi’s. I was making sure that he had gotten all of the time off you need.”
“I’m sorry.” He looks up at you clearly ashamed.
“Yea, you should be.” He stands and pulls you to him.
“How can I repay you?”
“I have plenty of ideas. Starting with a nice long massage.”

Five Nights at Fuckboy Inspired Sentence Starters

I have no freaking idea if this has been done before but I’m pissing myself from laughter over the whole game. So here are some awesome Fanmade comments inspired by the game and actual game dialogue. I’ll take names out and just put (Name) so anyone can send anything.

  • Inhale my dong enragement child
  • I am the one who possesses the Dragon Dildo
  • INHALE–
  • Please buy me an esoteric sex toy
  • NO
  • But I need it
  • (NAME) MY FUCKING HEAD IS GONE
  • Engage the camera, motherfucker
  • Can’t a pirate fucking masturbate in this house?
  • Can’t a trash pile masturbate in this corner?
  • No, fuck off.
  • No (Name) that’s illegal
  • RIP Enragement child
  • Yes
  • Thank
  • This is where you eat my shit.
  • What?
  • It needs quarters…. I have tokens…. goddammit.
  • What. There’s a third one? You cannot possibly be serious right now.
  • Git gud.
  • Get crunk.
  • These presents used to be for good kids but now they’re for naughty adults.
  • Come help me you yiffy piece of shit.
  • I want to be hip with the kids.
  • My god (Name) here’s your fucking sex toy, you horny bitch
  • (Name) plz
  • My beloved masculinity has shattered. Are you proud of yourself?
  • Fine. I’m not touching your ass though.
  • Engage the stick, motherfucker.
  • BUY MY SHIT
  • The Fazbearin’ fuck did you say?
  • My fucking tokens went everywhere
  • My gender is (Inanimate object) don’t touch me
  • O H
  • Fuck. INHALE MY GOLDEN DONG.
  • It’s time to yiff some dicks
  • Dashin’ through the grass, I’m comin’ for dat ass

You can even add your own if you see I missed a good one! ENJOY!

I used to be in the military, I deployed to Iraq in 2010 as a communications technician. My job mostly revolved around fixing comms issues, phones, routers, switches, computers, that kind of thing.
 
You would not believe some of the bizarre (and borderline illegal) shit I was “ordered” to do with our comms while I was over there!

* At least a few times a day, we’d have troops (usually officers) thinking that our helpdesk was the place to straight up buy new shit. No, it’s my job to FIX the shit you fuckers break, not REPLACE it. 

* The full-bird Colonel who didn’t understand why it was illegal to install the super-duper-secret stuff in his personal quarters, and was quite incensed when I respectfully declined to “just do it anyway.”

* The E-6 (Staff Sergeant) who didn’t understand that once a peice of equipment is designated super-duper-secret, it STAYS super-duper-secret unless a literal Act of Congress decalres otherwise. So NO, Sarge, I’m not going to UN-secret the same computer you uploaded pictures of your kids onto.
 
* The newly pinned Captain who wanted us to configure a D.O.D phone to make calls to home through a civilian line. Trust me, I understand being homesick, but we just can’t do that.

* At least once a week, someone would come in asking about (re)configuring a phone, upon which we would clearly & firmly explain that it would take at least several days to properly configure to specs and that it’s done when it’s done… only for them to return about a week later with said phone and shit their huggies when they find out it will not, in fact, be done that afternoon. Seriously? How did they allow YOU to make life-or-death decisions in a combat theater?!?!?

Just a few “war stories” I thought you guys might enjoy. 
 
Have a great day ^_^

One of my regulars, a creepy old man who has always hit on me and likes to use my name like we’re ‘buds’ or something comes in and asks for two rolls of quarters.

Me: Sorry, I can’t sell you any rolls of quarters.

Old guy: What do you mean? Can’t [coworker] sell them to me?

Me: No, we aren’t allowed to sell quarters.

Old guy: I’ve bought them from here before!

Me: No one is supposed to sell quarters.

Old guy: I’ll just go up to the other store and buy them from there! Then I’m gonna have a talk with your manager [NAME] and make her give you permission to sell quarters.

Me: Okay. Bye.

Like talk to her all you want, I just turned in my two weeks and regardless, I don’t give a shit about what you want. Selling quarters has never been allowed in this store and no matter how many times you tell me ‘the other store will sell them,’ ‘but I’ve done it before,’ or ‘get [name] to do it’ you are not leaving with quarters. Go to the fucking car wash if you want quarters, I’m a gas station, not a bank.

Zodiacs as shit my friends say

steals this from @haikyuu-imagines-and-scenarios :^))




Aries - Konchiwa? more like KonichiNAW fuck out my shop

 Taurus - OOOOOO’ SHE SAID YOU AIN’T GOT NO NIPPPLLEEESS

 Gemini - ‘How would you like your eggs?’ bitch how would you like your life

Cancer - The way they spelt his name was like someone banged their head on a keyboard 

 Leo - why is a group of uchiha’s not called a sharingang? becuz they’re all sharingone

 Virgo - fuck a dollar bill give me a roll of quarters I’ll blow it like a dick

 Libra - Are you kidding me? I was with his ass yesterday buying a dildo!!

 Scorpio - Let it bloowwww let it bloowww drop a snitch bitch dead in the snow

 Sagittarius -  Dayum zaddy

 Capricorn - How do you expect me to wash dishes WITH. NO. PENIS? Not possible like kim possible.

 Aquarius - *sings entire 1st verse from ‘3005′ by Childish Gambino’s*

 Pisces - YAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS SLAAAAAYYY BITCH SLAAAAY

i read this article this quarter about the way dove co-opts feminist ideals & uses them to link empowerment with consumerism & female personhood with buying beauty products & i had this moment that was just like. this is all those posts about wearing eyeliner sharp enough to crush the patriarchy but it’s on a transnational scale in a hugely successful corporation that makes billions of dollars a year by banking on the fact that women suffer from low self-esteem. low self esteem has market value. 

when you say that shit you’re putting women’s worth in the context of our ability to actively participate in the market, and that’s all our value is framed as. we’re important so far as we actively participate (& have the ability to participate) in capitalism as citizen consumers, and we’re allowed to feel empowered or supported or beauty so far as that feeling drives us to buy more stuff.