buttons!!!!

i feel as though my bones are going to crawl out of my skin and my eyes are going to close forever. except this is the type of tired that sleep can’t fix, but only dim a little. this is the ache in your bones and the weeping of your soul. it’s wanting to come home but not knowing where to go because you have so many options but none feel quite safe enough. this is the strain of your lungs as you gasp for air underneath the crushing weight of the world. this is wiping away your tears before they can even drip past your chin, it’s turning your head so no one sees the flood gates in your eyes break, it’s putting on a brave face. // its “im fine.”, “im just tired.” and “I’ll be okay.“

everyone always asks me why im not mad and how i can be so quick to forgive and really it’s simple. i don’t have it in me to not forgive. to not accept an apology completely tears me apart. to not accept someone’s bad actions and forgive them for it anyways, hurts me. i see the good in everyone, i see the sunshine even though everyone else always sees clouds. i see beyond what’s portrayed, i see the sadness growing in people’s souls and i do not walk away until i have planted some damn flowers in it, so at least they will have some beauty left over from me. i have all of these terrible feelings locked up inside that nearly drown me half of the time, but i won’t ever tell anyone because the fear of hurting anyone damn near destroys me. i am a fragile being and i imagine everyone else to be just as fragile, if not more. that way, when i touch their hearts and souls i don’t leave behind any finger prints or bruises, but only soft, warm feelings - sunshine. i refuse to leave with a goodbye, but rather a ‘see you soon’. honestly, i refuse to leave at all. i cannot say goodbye when hellos are already one step to it. im not one for goodbyes or anger or grudges. im for the deep conversations and the smiles and the sunshine shining out of your soul. and honestly, i don’t think I’ll ever stop trying to pull the light out of people because that’s who i am. im stubborn as hell and i won’t stop until everyone around me is glowing, even if i am duller than ever before. that’s just who i am.