sometimes i really fucking miss the way your smile felt against my lips. i miss the nights you’d call me and tell me, “i just need someone to talk to.” i spent every day diving off of buildings just to be the hero that swooped into save you. i always ended up with more bruises than applauses. but i kept on. sometimes i miss the way i always felt like i was falling. i could never once catch my breath when i was with you. you took me to a place i haven’t quite come back from. but i’m running. because i have told everyone that i’m healing and i am, but i still miss your smile and when you said my name it all came back to me and it didn’t hurt. it was just really bittersweet.
i am so god damn tired of hearing “you did nothing wrong, you deserve better, you deserve so much love, i don’t deserve you.” it is engraved in my fucking head. i want to rip out my teeth and slam them into your heart so you know how it feels to cough up broken pieces of a person you once loved. because you shoved all of these words down my throat and i was convinced, maybe for once, someone felt it too. it’s like putting money in a machine, fuel me and make me work and I’ll confine to your needs. give me happiness and I’ll give you all my love. with one smile i will give you my ribs, with one touch, one call, i will personally rip my heart out with my bare hands and place it right into yours and I’ll do you a favor and ignore your trembling hands and instead, I’ll shoot you with a, “hey, how ya doing? haven’t talked to you in a while!” text cause i have never been one for subtlety or expressing how i feel. “im sorry. you deserve more, you don’t deserve that, you deserve so much love!” then why does this keep happening to me? if i deserve more, why is all of my love one sided? unrequited? why is my heart layered in stitches and still im the one who always gives. if you are so sorry why in the fuck do you keep letting me crash and burn? why in the fuck did you think it was okay to tell me you loved me and then not speak a word to me for three fucking months? i have always been one to remember everything and i remember the way your lips felt on mine for the very first time and how i was so in shock i couldn’t even kiss back but i swear to fucking god i felt my veins turn into fireworks and my body into a land mine and with one more touch i thought that i just mightve exploded and jesus fuck i don’t even know how you feel and i have destroyed myself pondering over it and they tell you that their touch means forever but all i can think about is you telling me i deserve better but if i deserve so much more why will no one reach out and give it to me? i am choking on water and drowning in my own house because i gave you the key and i trusted you with all i had but when you walked away you left the faucets on and i wondered why i just couldn’t stop crying. i think you slammed the door too hard, i think my water bill is too high, i don’t even bother to wipe my eyes because all i can think about is your smile and how it made me feel like i was finally safe but all i ever am is somewhere for people to go when they need to take refuge, and i am never a permanent home, just a quick little stop, a let’s take a break, unwind and ruin the foundation kind of stop. an “oh its okay it’ll only hurt a bit” kind of stop, an “i love you.” kind of stop but i always love more, so can you stop? i can’t stop bleeding, i can’t stop scratching myself raw, i can’t stop screaming because all i am good for is always loving more and i am so beyond tired of hearing how i deserve better, maybe i don’t want better, maybe i am ready for a fight, maybe i am fragile and gentle and cry all the time over the smallest thing because one bad thing just sends my heart crumbling but i want a love that rips me apart and maybe im already in pieces but i really wouldn’t mind if you turned me black and blue because i swear to god, no matter what, im always going to love more so i might as well just see how much i can take before i collapse on the floor and i am so tired of always being the one with the brave face and im tired of forgiving without even a slight trace of an apology and i don’t even give a shit that you don’t talk to me anymore because maybe i did deserve more and maybe i finally found it but im afraid this fire is unrequited too and i am so tired of burning one second and being ice cold the next and all i need is consistency but i get summer days filled with winter nights and i am sorry for always loving more. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen but we all know that is a god damn lie because my hearts already prepped and ready for the next gaping chest i see. // i think that’s my problem, im always one to give without them even asking for anything but i cannot stop stitching up soldiers in a war i wasn’t even drafted in.
i realized today while sitting in language arts, that not everything needs to be turned into poetry. i turn some of the happiest little things into the saddest poetry and i shouldn’t. not everything needs to bleed over, not everything needs to be put on paper or captured. it’s okay for some things to just stay put in your head.
When I flipped through your pages, did you remember her fingerprints on your surface edges? Was I just a creased corner pointing backwards for the place you saved for her? And when she broke your heart, did she also crack your spine so you would always fall in her direction?
tonsils are a vestigial organ meant for preventing disease from entering the body, and we never noticed how sick we made each other in the winter; our pillows covered in germs that meant really well, and for a week my throat is covered in scabs i have to learn how to swallow. For a week, I throw up all of the painkillers; I send pictures to my friends of all the progress. Sometimes, the body wants you to feel everything and then show it off.
but maybe i’ve been thinking of the wrong organ. maybe love is a vestigial organ, something we should have grown out of a long time ago, something we all have anyway. something that makes us gasp for air in the middle of the night, something that always hurts us on the way out.
i remember when i woke up crying one morning, how i wasn’t really sure why i was crying, all that i knew was that it just hurt. everything hurt. i remember sitting up and feeling my heart just shatter because it was as if everything painful i had buried six feet under, had resurrected all at once and the ghost-like screams were too deafening. i was disoriented. it felt as though i wasn’t even on earth, like everything i had loved and everything that made me happy was separated from my being and i couldn’t snap out of this trance. i cried that whole day. i remember when it clicked, that this is what being heartbroken felt like. i cant remember much else because sometimes when you go through so much pain your mind just blocks it out so you can’t reflect on it too much and i have finally put it in the past. because ghosts don’t stop haunting you until they find peace and what i hadn’t realized was that i wasn’t mounting a lover, i was mourning myself because i knew the second i lost you, but i kept holding on and i kept you alive within the deepest parts of my mind, i held on longer than i was intended too. and you knew this. and you tried to back away and all that did was hurt me because i never realized that you were supposed to and i know you didn’t mean to cause me any harm because your heart is so pure and i realized that today. i realized, you left because you saw all the damage you caused me to inflict upon myself and i don’t blame you because its not your fault. i swooped in and thought i could save you but really, most nights it was me that needed the saving and i’m so sorry that i took away the light in my eyes and tried to give it to you. i know now that you shine on your own and you deserve all the love that i tried to give you and more than anything, i hope you can find that someday. i hope you heal and come back alive from your precious decay. because i am finally starting to. and now i am back and strongly rooted and we can finally have casual conversations and i can laugh again and i want you to know that i’m okay. and finally, after all this pain, i hope you are okay too. because god knows that all i’ve ever wanted.