but-mostly-just-drunk

Matteo very very explicitly liked drunk people. They were mostly stupid, funny, and loose. And, frankly, the dial of his moral compass didn’t usually extend all the way to sobriety being necessary for a little fun. Which was why he was currently getting one hell of a lap dance from a mostly drunk guy.

Hey. Just because he was drunk doesn’t mean he was horrible.

Matteo saw someone approach and looked over, beyond the person currently living it up on his lap, and grinned. “Hi. I swear to god if you’re here to ruin the first good time I’ve had since I’ve got here, I’m not going to be happy.”

One Night in Italy

I have devolved into writing crack fics. Oh dear god save me. This can also be found on AO3 where it also includes my notes/explanations/apologies


The service here is terrible, Bitty thinks to himself while taking another sip of his wine. They’ve been at this restaurant for the better part of the last three hours, and the waitress keeps bringing them more wine but never their food. The tables all around them have been served, paid, left. The rest of their teammates have eaten, their opponents have eaten, the girls from the women’s league tournament. Everyone except the six of them.

Bitty is glad he’s here, though. He’s glad he joined the local pick up Frisbee team, that they’re doing well, that they’re in fucking Italy for a tournament. He’s pretty sure they’re going to win the Spirit of the Game award if nothing else. But mostly he’s just thinking that because he’s drunk as shit and hasn’t eaten since this afternoon and he’s been playing beach Frisbee for several days. His calves are killing him, but he’s kind of okay with that because the wine is getting to him and he’s in the best company.

Their team is small, but they’re a great group of international co-ed players, and Bitty wouldn’t change it for the world. There’s him, a baker working out of Samwell, MA. Shitty – Bitty doesn’t actually know his real name – is a lawyer in Cambridge where he lives with Lardo – real name Larissa and Bitty’s glad he knows that because he’d be concerned otherwise – who’s an artist. There’s Ransom, a doctor from Toronto who plays when he’s got free time, and there’s Holster, who plays in Buffalo normally. Their team is a hodgepodge of people who wanted to go to this tournament but whose normal teams couldn’t fully acquire all the funds to get there or had commitments. There’s Caitlin and Chris from the Bay Area, March and April who live in Bitty’s neck of the woods, Camilla, Dex and Nursey who live in Vermont where Dex is a professor and Nursey writes. But the person Bitty likes most on their team is Jack, who is from Montreal.

Because Jack is tall and blue eyed and just so goddamn pretty and Bitty really just wants to snuggle up to him at any given moment. But probably that’s just the wine talking.

“I swear to god, we’re never getting food,” Holster complains, listing sideways and colliding with Ransom’s shoulder. Bitty’s not sure if they knew each other before this tournament, but he’s pretty sure they know each other now.

“Shh, baby, it’s okay,” Ransom says, petting the side of Holster’s face. Bitty giggles and stares at the seven empty wine bottles on the table. They’ve been there for literal hours drinking.

“I’m hungry,” Holster says.

“I wonder if that chicken tenders place is still open,” Jack says, frowning with arctic intensity at his empty wine glass.

“How many times have you been to that place this week?” Lardo asks, raising her eyebrows at him.

“Um,” is Jack’s only reply. He’s had less to drink than most of them, Bitty knows, but Bitty happens to be the one who drank the rest of Jack’s bottle of wine, so he’s not really in control of his actions when he squishes his face against Jack’s shoulder.

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EC week Day 6 James kisses Regina in the Underworld

Very, very late to the party but inspiration finally struck for Day 6 of @evilcharmingweek. Big thanks to @onhowtobecrazy for looking this over. This takes place in a version where Robin left town with Marian who was really Marian and hasn’t come back.

FF link


You shouldn’t kiss and tell

It’s probably not the best idea Regina has ever had, to drink alone in this dilapidated version of Granny’s in the Underworld, when her magic is so unpredictable, when she is vulnerable to the countless number of people she sent to this place. The Blind Witch seemed in a good mood though when she entered, and apart from the usual exchange of barbs with which they greeted each other, she had left her alone. Regina had briefly wondered what was keeping her so busy since the place was mostly deserted.

She is far from drunk, just buzzed enough to feel relaxed for the first since she has set foot in this awful place. Being confronted to the demons of her past hasn’t been easy and she really needed a break from the Charmings and Emma and their desperate quest to save Hook. She has a growing bad feeling about this whole adventure, but given how supportive Snow and David have been ever since Robin had to leave town with his resuscitated wife, she can’t decently abandon them to their fate now. She only wishes that Henry would go home where he would be safer, though there is no guarantees in Storybrooke.

She finishes her drink with this thought in mind, cursing the fact that Henry has inherited his whole family’s stubbornness, and requests a refill. She is reaching for the full glass when the door opens and David enters.

Regina frowns slightly because there is something different about him, something… darker, and suddenly she understands. This is not David. The frown turns into a grin because she is on the playful side of her buzz, and this could prove to be fun, especially if James thinks he has fooled her.

He sits right next to her, asks for a whisky on the rocks and stays silent. She looks at him, wondering what he is planning.

“What are you doing here, David?” She decides to play for a moment, let him believe he has the upper hand.

“You shouldn’t be out there alone, this is a dangerous place,” James replies and he is good, she thinks. He must have observed his brother long enough to pick up on his intonation and mannerism, but she knows both brothers rather well, has been intimate with James once upon a time, she can tell the subtle differences, like the predatory glint in his eyes when he glances at her, the way he tries to cover his smirk at the idea that he has duped her. He exudes something different than his twin brother, something more dangerous. Regina should know, it was what attracted her to him in the first place.

“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, Charming, I don’t need a bodyguard,” she counters, adds a hint of flirtation for good measure, slurs a tad to make him believe that she is drunker than she really is.

“Is that so? How many of those have you had?” He asks her, nodding towards her drink, but his eyes drop to her cleavage as she turns just the right way to put it on show.

She pretends to think about her answer, she knows exactly how much she has had but she wants to see how far he will go. “Not enough to forget that you’re married to Snow White, dear, if that’s what you want to know,” she settles, her voice dropping lower, more raspy, more sultry, reminiscent of the woman he once knew, and she sees him shivering.

“Really? And how many more would that take I wonder?” His face moves closer and closer to hers, until she can feel his breath on her skin.

“Wouldn’t you love to know,” Regina whispers.

He closes the distance then, and if she had any doubt left, this kiss would erase them at once. He is a fierce and possessive lover, probably the only lover she had in the Enchanted Forest who could stand up to the Evil Queen and live to tell the tale. They fed off their darkest desires, and if the growl he lets out is any indication, he wouldn’t mind doing it again.

She breaks the kiss when the need for air becomes too pressing, and she is pleased to see that she is not the only one panting.

“It’s nice to see you again, James,” she greets once she has regained control of her breathing.

He looks taken aback. “You knew?”

“From the very moment you entered this place,” she confirms. “I have a good memory, also I have spent enough time around Cruella to recognize that particularly strong scent of gin,” she adds, wrinkling her nose.

He looks at her in what seems to be admiration for a moment, and then he smirks again. “It’s funny how Snow White couldn’t tell me apart from her own husband, but you just took one look at me and realised it.”

“Well what can I say, the apple fell far from the tree,” Regina shrugs playfully, never one to miss the chance to take a dig at Snow.

“And to think our fathers wanted to arrange a wedding between us, what a waste that would have been. Sure she doesn’t lack in liveliness, but why settle for a Princess when you can have the Queen? I don’t understand how my brother could be so stupid,” he complains, and it’s plain to understand how resentful he is of his brother.

“His loss, your gain,” she says, trying to lighten the mood, and then that predatory look is back.

“Most certainly,” he mumbles before pouncing on her again. He isn’t holding anything back, she isn’t even sure he cares that there are a couple of other patrons in the diner, he wouldn’t mind giving them a show, she knows. She has a flash of a previous encounter where James hadn’t even waited until her guards and servants had left the room to begin to disrobe, and they had seen much more than she would have wanted them to.

He doesn’t get the chance though, for his mirror image comes into the diner and stops dead in his tracks at the sight of them.

“What the hell?” David, the real one this time, exclaims indignantly, and James tears himself away from her to throw a disgusted look at the newcomer.

Regina feels the risk of these two coming face to face and she knows she has to act fast.

“Well this was fun,” she says, getting up and moving purposely between them. “Until next time, James,” she tells him, turning towards David, but James grabs her arm and spins her against him, fitting her between his opened legs.

“You would rather go back with that weakling rather than spend the night with me? I could remind you what exactly had you coming back for more,” he soughs in her ear, but he speaks loud enough for David to hear every word, his hands settling low on her back.

“As tempting as that sounds, I like my lover a tad more alive and preferably without a leash. What would poor, dear Cruella say if she knew about this?” Regina replies, and his grip on her hips tightens.

“Cruella is an enjoyable treat, but there is only one Queen,” he tells her, and she can almost believe he is sincere.

“Too bad that she is long gone,” she whispers against his lips and backs away.

He lets her, admitting defeat for now, though she knows he won’t give up that easily. She grabs David’s arm and leaves the diner.

“Close your mouth dear, it’s unbecoming,” she orders, and his jaw snaps shut.

“You… you and him,” he stammers in disbelief and she rolls her eyes.

“Is that really that hard to believe?” She asks. “You two seem to have a type, you really shouldn’t be that surprised,” those words leave him speechless and she walks away with a satisfied smile on her lips.

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