Sometimes it’s really difficult to find the right word instead of ‘said’ and most masterlists are difficult for me to understand. So I sorted them in a way I understood, and colour coded it to make it that much easier. For those of you that prefer no colour, I included that one as well. Enjoy :)
I also submitted them to @thewritershandbook, but figured I’d add them to my own dash just in case something happens to them on my computer.
(1/8) Hey, Neko, dienw here. I hope I'm not going to bother you with this, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I’m also sorry it’s so long. I tried to be brief, but I also wanted to be honest, (and also give you enough information, I suppose?). Now, before I start getting into the whole thing, I’d just like to say that I know this will ultimately be my decision. I just really want someone’s outside perspective on this.
(2/8) So to start this off, I’ll have to say a bit (a lot) about myself. I’m one of those people who’ve yet to find their passion. Sure, there’s many things I like, and quite a few I love (see: drawing + writing) but I haven’t found that spark in anything; that drive that gets me up in the morning, and keeps me going. I honestly envy the people who have their own passion. I know it probably has it’s own downsides, but it would give me direction, and that’s something I’m lacking right now.
(3/8) But I mentioned my love for writing, and that brings me to this next part: I’m in college right now, first year, second semester, creative writing major. I thought this was my direction, that I’d found a path that would work for me, and I’d learn how to write—really write, with more than just self-taught, natural talent—then eventually graduate after four or five years and become… who knows?
(4/8) An author, perhaps. I’ve never had a dream of what or who I would become. I don’t have aspirations. I’ve never set goals in front of myself. I just go with the flow, and that doesn’t always work. It’s been the easiest route to just stay in school, even when the signs were apparent in grade 12 that I might not be ready for college or university; even when the signs were so very clear that no, I am not ready, when I did get into college.
(5/8) I started cutting when I started college. Also, while I doubt I have depression, I’m sure there’s been moments where I was depressed. I wouldn’t care for myself, I didn’t eat well, and I often ran for 2-3 days on a few hours of sleep. It got worse the more stressed I was, and I was most stressed around my english class. Ironic, isn’t it? Writing is something I’m good at, something I love. But I never even started the essay that was worth 30% of the final grade. I barely passed that class.
(6/8) Jump ahead to now. I took another english class, thinking that I’d learned from my mistakes and faults. Yes, I had learned, but I haven’t done anything to break myself out of this pattern, this rut of not writing essays (among other things) because it would make me stressed, which would make me feel horribly heavy and empty at the same time. I’m honestly scared that every time I do nothing instead of something, there’s walls in my mind that creep closer, shutting me in and closing me off.
(7/8) I guess, finally, this brings me to the actual topic. While I can’t “officially” drop my english course anymore, I can still ditch it. Not attend the last two weeks of classes (maybe I would, I do like the class) and not show up for the exam. I have, per usual, procrastinated to dangerous levels, leaving me with 2 essays due in 2 weeks, along with all the work from my other classes, and the exams coming up. If I was an idealist, I would say I could do it. And sometimes, I feel like I can.
(8/8) But to be perfectly honest, I can only see myself failing to do the essays, therefore falling into a depressed mood, which will effect my other classes and the exams, and it will all end up in me failing every course. I’d rather outright fail english and get reasonably good marks for my other classes. But here’s the problem: is this the adult, reasonable, mature thing to do? Or am I giving in? Am I being weak—just folding, turning away, and putting forth no effort? …I feel so lost.
hello neko, it’s dienw again, pack with a surprise part 9 (this is getting ridiculous) because i realized i may have left something out: I’m not going back to college in the foreseeable future, since it’s clearly not at all good for my mental health. again, sorry this whole thing has been so long (also sorry to your followers) and thank you so much <3
Hey, college is not for everyone.
This “you need to go to college as soon as you get out of high school” stigma is absolute bull. I’d personally rather hire an experienced volunteer worker over someone who has a really expensive piece of paper.
But here’s the fun thing about being an adult…
Making a decision to accept failure is an adult choice. It’s really hard to admit something isn’t working out, even when you’ve tried your best. No one wants to lose.
Adults are just drunks trying to figure out where the bathroom is anyway. We’re hoping we make it through the right door and don’t miss the toilet.
And besides, if you are American, I don’t know why someone would waste all that money to go to college when they’re not sure what they want to do, so I’m all for people avoiding the college scene until they’re ready.
And I’m assuming you’re a rather young adult, so there’s plenty of time to make up your mind and figure out the right path. I was lucky enough to go into a daycare center and realize my passion in 8 hours. Heck, before being a preschool teacher, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was going to be a writer, then a vet assistant, then a student councilor, then back to a writer… all within the course of my senior year!
So, dienw, I hope you believe me when I say, if it’s in the best interest of your mental health, take care of yourself. College is not going anywhere, I promise.
I decided to go through my ask tag and gather all of my responses to transition related stuff over the past year and put them all in one place. Check out my FAQ for resources regarding my transition or transition in general!