I don’t care a whole lot about the condition of my hair, but I also do a very good job spacing out my processes and deep conditioning in between. Also do you really think that I would be able to do as much with my hair and not know the effects of what I do?
Your second question is very pointed, but I’ll answer is anyway. Yes. I’ll start out by saying that as a child, I didn’t really identify with any gender. I was simply a child. Things started not fitting when I hit puberty, and body parts started coming in that I thought were wrong.
While I didn’t have the words when I was younger to know what being “trans” was (since no one talks to kids about that kind of thing), I had said to myself that I would “rather be a boy” since I was 12. Thinking that was an impossibility and that something was wrong with me, i tried to suppress that. When I cut my hair short at the age of 14, I remember the first thing I did was see if I could make myself look like a boy. That same year, I told my boyfriend at the time how I “sometimes thought I should be a boy”, and he would call me his boyfriend when we were alone. I expressed some of the frustration I felt by trying to take pictures of myself that looked masculine and made assorted social media sites where I was a boy named Spencer (this was about 2 years before I had a tumblr) and kind of role played as the person I felt I should be, I had had the name spencer picked out since I was 13. Around 14-15 I think my feeling like I was a boy was more presently in my mind, but here’s where the suppression came in. I would think to myself “well if I can’t be a boy I’ll be good at being a girl” (whatever the fuck that even means), and I started dressing more and more girly, hiding behind more and more makeup, and feeling less and less like myself.
Now, about halfway through me being 15, I made my tumblr. I also started researching what being “trans” was. Tumblr did help me with terminology, and gave me words to search, but most of my information came from outside sources. It provided me with the term “genderfluid” which I identified as as sort of an in between point for a while. I knew it didn’t really fit, but it was a step up from “girl” for me. When I was 16, I was at the gay pride parade. I looked around me and saw all these people loving each other no matter who they were. I saw a community who wouldn’t abandon me no matter what I was. I had an epiphany at that moment, that if I wanted to be happy, I had to admit to myself that I was a boy. That’s how I came out to myself.
My last ex boyfriend (while an A hole) was more open minded, and when I told him how I felt, he helped me look into it, lent me masculine clothes, and called me spencer when I asked him to. When I was about 16, I started going to a queer support group and making friends who addressed me as Spencer and used male pronouns. They gave me my first binder, and I started dressing like a boy where ever I went, and my family just kind of caught on after a while. Later that year I had my first real talk with my mom about me being trans, and she wasn’t happy (mostly because she knows being trans is hard, and she loves me and doesn’t want my life to be hard), and we’ve had little talks over the past few years and now everything is out in the open. I also changed schools when I was 17, and went to every class individually and asked the teachers to use the name spencer and male pronouns. Most do a good job of it. Now fast forward through me being out and feeling more like myself, I got my name legally changed to Spencer a few months ago. And here we are now.
Well I hadn’t really planned on making a whole timeline of my process, but I’ve wanted to do it for a while I guess. Please remember that there was obviously more to it than this, but if I was going to write out every detail of my life since I was 12, it would be even longer. Probably more than you wanted anyway.
TL;DR: I’ve been queer a long time. Yes, even before tumblr.