Being a self aware borderline is awful, because you know your symptoms are about to flip the fuck out. The Jaws theme is playing and going too fast to stop. You’re about to break down, lash out, hurt and destroy your relationships, and you’re aware of it, but you can’t do a thing for it.
It’s like being trapped inside a glass house with soundproof walls. You can beat on the glass and shout as much as you want that you don’t want to do this, that you know it’s upsetting both yourself and everyone around you, but you can’t stop it.