Hey.. It’s me.
I don’t think you still remember me, or even what we used to be. It’s okay, I don’t blame you. So.. How have you been these years? You’re in University now so I guess you are very busy. With work, meeting new friends, catching up with old friends and ofcourse, your girlfriend. It’s okay, don’t feel bad. I am happy for you and that you are happy. You are happy, right?
I am writing this letter, because I never have gotten the chance to tell you how I feel about you and even about us. See, we were so young. 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16. We were friends for five years, but I think we really grew closer when we were both 14. Hey, do you still remember that day we went out to Mc Donald’s with our friends? Or that day I decided to take the long way home so we could talk a little more longer? Those were the fun times.
But soon I got too comfortable with you. You made me laugh and made me happy and I felt home. It was like I could be myself with you. My crazy self, my anxious self, all the hidden parts of me, I wanted to open up to you. But I couldn’t. I always hid myself, for as long as I could remember. I never wanted anyone to know what was really behind my mask. So it was like a war in my head. And you knew.
And you saw the mess that I am.
You saw parts of me that weren’t truly me and you saw what was behind this broken mask. I was like a puzzle made of thousand pieces. And I was hoping, you would solve it. But I never wanted you to find out how my soul fell in love with you. You were my safe haven, yeah, I guess you still are. I watched you, falling for other girls. I was rooting for you, because that is what friends do, right? But boy, I was praying and praying it would never work out between you and them. It made me feel so guilty, but it didn’t matter. By the time I could call you my best friend, I was already loving you in more ways than I know.
I watched silently from the sidelines, I always had. I don’t think you have even known that I was so in love with you. And yet, maybe you did notice it and chose to ignore it.
I know you’re not that kind of guy who would make a big deal out of it and that is what I loved so about you. I was the thunder and you the silent rain. You complete me, and fuck, if only I could describe how beautiful you are to me.
I am sorry this message is a mess, but I guess you never expected anything else from me. I love you and I think the whole purpose of this was to tell you I am in love with you. I love you and I miss you and I want you. My heart is aching for you but I can’t do anything because you are in love with her. You love her just like I love you and the thought of you loving her the way I love you, is enough for me to stop loving you.
But I am sorry, I just love you. I love you when we were 12 and I still love you. I know, it’s pathetic, it’s useless to love you but my heart chose you. But I accept it, and even if I don’t, it’s none of my business between you and her. But this is not about you and her, it’s about us. Only today, I want to talk about us. Let me at least tell you that I have been in love with you. You are the most, most, most, most beautiful human I have ever met and I thank Heaven for placing me on earth with you. I am so blessed and so happy and grateful for you. You are the most, most, most beautiful being in this whole Universe and I know you will never believe it and neither will I. I never thought I could adore someone this much.
And I know, you will never return these feelings for me and I know that even if we were still friends, you would’t fight for us. It was me who left you, because you wouldn’t stay anyways. The more I grew closer to you, the more I distanced myself away from you. Do you know how I hated myself for that? I had to leave you because the thought of you leaving me would crush my whole world. I would rather regret leaving you than to live with that pain in my heart. I am sorry for ruining our friendship like this, but at that time, I had no choice.
I know, you don’t even care about me anymore and I am happy at least one of us is moving on. I know, maybe one day, I will forget you but for now you are one of the most painful memories I bear in my heart.
It was never your fault and I know, it is not my fault either. I believe we were just a chapter in each other’s lives, but somehow, you became my whole story.
I hoped this message would be a goodbye but I don’t want to lie or hide anything anymore. This is a message to tell you that I love you and I fucking love you so much. And I still do. And I always will. Even if you forgot about me, it’s okay. You are happy and that’s enough for me. As long as you are happy and the empty parts in your heart are filled, I am happy. I am happy for you.