i’m trying to learn how to be okay with being second. i tell myself at least you text me even if you text him first. i tell myself that i can fit all of my problems on the head of a pin, not having a best friend is hardly big enough to qualify as one of them. i tell myself that it’s easier this way anyway; i tell myself i’m busy with life and work or figuring out my shit. it’s just that sometimes i get lonely and i can’t really put my finger on why. it’s just that when it’s two in the morning i have no one to text about the nightmares. nobody wants to hear about them. it’s just i’d like to be special once. i know that’s selfish. but i feel like if i forgot to scoop myself out of bed and rotted here instead nobody would notice i didn’t show up. i feel like nobody cares if i show up. isn’t that terrible of me. isn’t that fucked up.