but this is what you are going to get so just to warn you

Chopped - Bruce Wayne x Reader

I forgot this was a thing I wrote for the DC Valentine’s exchange in February until like two days ago. So I figured I’d post it here lol

So here’s some domestic fluff with Bruce trying (and failing) to cook a nice meal.

Words: 1220


You drum your fingers on the steering wheel of your car trying to figure out what to do. Dick had just called to give you a warning.

Bruce is cooking you a Valentine’s dinner.

He’s tried this twice before. Both times ended with severely inedible dinners. You understand why he’s trying to cook dinner. He takes you out to nice restaurants on a regular basis, and when you eat at the Manor, it’s Alfred who’s doing the cooking. So he’s just trying to make this Valentine’s Day special.

Even though he shouldn’t.

You groan internally as you decide last minute to stop by your favorite Chinese place.

You’re going to need it later.

As soon as you get home, you stash the emergency takeout in the spare fridge. You’re trying to give Bruce the benefit of the doubt; maybe he learned how to cook… something. But you’re not taking any chances on that. Still, there’s no need for Bruce to know that you have your doubts.

When you get close enough to the kitchen, you immediately smell it.

You don’t know what he’s trying to cook, but you can tell it’s not going well. Whatever he’s trying to cook smells painfully burnt.

“Y/N!” Bruce looks up at you when he notices you’re standing in the kitchen entrance. He’s standing next to the stove with a wooden spoon in a pot. Immediately he abandons his post and walks over to you, sweeping you up in a strong embrace and planting a sudden kiss on your lips. “How was your day, my love?” he says once he pulls away, though his arms are still wrapped around your waist.

“It was nice. But,” you gesture to the mess of a kitchen in front of you. Dick might have warned you about this evening, but that doesn’t mean Bruce isn’t trying to surprise you. “What is all of this?”

“I thought I’d try to cook you dinner,” he says, pressing his forehead against yours. “I thought it’d be a nice surprise.”

“Well, I’m definitely surprised,” you chuckle, though whether it’s a nervous laugh or a genuine one you can’t tell. “But, hon, I think the pot is boiling over.”

Immediately Bruce turns around and runs back to the pot. He grabs two oven mitts and lifts it off the eye until the bubbles stop popping over the edge. He turns the knob controlling the heat after he sets the pot back down.

Then the oven starts beeping.

Bruce opens the door and a cloud of smoke fills the entire kitchen as he pulls out a pan of what you assume was once bread.

“Bruce, do you need any help?”

“No!” he responds defensively. He’s waving smoke out of his face as he sets the pan on top of the stove to cool. “I’ve got everything under control! I’ll let you know when dinner is ready.”

You hesitate for a moment before responding. “Okay. I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”

You walk away from the kitchen in the hopes that it will still be there by the time the night is over.

For the next thirty minutes, you listen to Bruce fumble around in the kitchen. At one point a loud crash almost sends you running in to check on him, but you catch yourself when you hear him swearing at the guilty saucepan that caused a metal avalanche. By some miracle, the smoke detector never goes off.

Then everything is quiet.

Part of you wonders if your husband has been killed by a burnt piece of toast or an angry spatula. However, your fears are dismissed when strong arms wrap around your shoulders from behind the couch.

“Dinner is ready,” Bruce says in your ear, and, even though you’re almost certain you’re going to need your emergency takeout, you can’t help but love him even more than before for trying to make tonight special. You stand up and he offers his arm to you.

“What are we having?” you ask with a smile as you take his arm.

“Braised beef and tortellini with garlic bread,” Bruce looks so proud of himself and it warms your heart. He leads you into the dining room where the table is set for two, with a beautiful bouquet of roses in the center with candles around them. The food is plated beautifully, and it at least looks good. Except for slightly burnt toast.

Maybe it’ll be a nice dinner after all.

Bruce offers you a chair before sitting across from you.

“Thank you for dinner, Bruce,” you say, and you really do mean it. It doesn’t look like it will be that bad after all. “It looks wonderful, and it’s so sweet of you to do something this special.”

“I hope you like it, Y/N. I know I’ve not been that successful in the past, but I really tried this time.”

“I can tell. It looks like your hard work is paying off,” you say as you get a forkful of food. You place it in your mouth with the mindset that it’s as good as it looks.

You are terribly wrong.

The steak is dry and the pasta tastes like rubber. The textures are so conflicting that you have a hard time swallowing it. You look up to see Bruce forcing his own mouthful of food down as well. He cringes and stabs another piece of pasta with his fork, determined to eat his creation.

“Bruce, honey,” you put down your fork and Bruce looks up at you. It’s time to have this conversation. “I love you a lot, but please stop trying to cook for me. This is the third time you’ve tried and the third time you’ve failed. I’m sorry, but three strikes and you’re out. At this point I’m starting to wonder if you’re trying to actually kill me with your food.”

Bruce stares at his plate for a few seconds after you finish talking. He nods slowly before looking back up at you. “Yeah. That’s fair.”

“Don’t get me wrong, though! I love that you went through all this trouble. It makes me love you even more, if that’s even possible,” you reach across the table to take his hand. “But it’s time to turn in the spoon and apron.”

“Alright,” he leans across the table and kisses you on the nose. “No more cooking from me. I just hate that our Valentine’s date is ruined now.”

“Not entirely,” you say and avert your eyes. “A little bird may have told me that you would be cooking tonight.”

“Dick,” Bruce deadpans. In that moment he looks like a truly exhausted parent. You decide not to ask what kind of conversation he’d had with Dick.

“Yes, and I picked up some Chinese on my way in. I say we cuddle and eat egg rolls with a movie. All I need to make my Valentine’s Day memorable is you by my side.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Bruce stands up and walks around the table to pull you close to him. “I especially like the cuddling part.”

“I do, too,” you say and run your fingers through his hair. You stare into his blue eyes for a moment before speaking again. “I love you, Bruce.”

“And I love you, Y/N. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Stay With Me Part 2/2 (Bucky x Reader)

A/N: This is part 2.

Word count: 3451

Warnings: swearing, alcohol, some talk of injuries, and SMUT

****

In the morning you woke up feeling so refreshed and rested. You stretched only as far as your stitches would allow. You pulled off the covers and started to step out of bed. Little did you realize that one foot was still wrapped up in the sheets so you fell out of bed, landing on your shoulder with a loud crack. You yelled out in pain. A few moments later you hear frantic knocking at your door “Y/N is everything ok?” you hear Bucky. “NO!” You yelled. He threw open the door and stood there for a second trying to figure out what was happening. You hanging halfway off the bed with one leg twisted in the sheets, he could then see your shoulder clearly dislocated “I’ll go get the doctor.” “No no just help me up please” you plead. He comes over and lifts you up with ease, setting you up on the bed. After you spit out a few curse words you asked him to pop it back into place. “Oh no way in hell, I’ll probably break your arm off!” He offered “let me just go get the doctor.” “Oh for fuck’s sake” you sighed out just as you stood up and walked over to the bathroom door and slammed your shoulder into the door jam, popping it back into place. “FUUCCK” you cried out and fell to the floor. “Holy shit!” exclaimed Bucky as he ran over to your side. “It always hurts more popping it back into place” you explained to him. “I know, I’ve had several.” He told you. That’s when Steve ran in and saw you both kneeling on the floor, you crying. “What the hell happened here!” Steve belted out. Bucky told him what happened as they both helped you up. Well more like picked you up, and sat you down on your bed. As Steve grabbed the bottle of pain pills from your bedside table, putting 1 in your hand, he looked at you in concern “Are you determined to kill yourself?” You just let out a sarcastic You heard one of them say under their breath on the way out the door “Jesus what are we gonna do with her?”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Please don't use the youre just jealous line. That is honestly so childish and mentally retarded. I think Veronica was trying to warn Lainey rather than draw up some shitfest like you're making it out to be. You people need to get a life because you try to pick a fight with anyone. I think Mel was looking out for a friend. Where'd this even come from? I've followed this mess for 8 years. If you followed Shiloh on instagram or fb then youd see who started the mess. Fact check. This is random af.

I mean I, personally, would say that calling someone ‘mentally retarded’ as a response to screen shots of something you don’t like extremely childish. But yknow. If you’ve got proof, submit it. Me and N would both be happy to look it over and discuss it. If you don’t have proof, nobody is going to believe you. Back up what ya say buddy. -B

RP starters: Heated argument.

content warning: death baiting.

  • “Are you even listening to me?”
  • “Leave. Leave right now.”
  • “What more do you want?!”
  • “I really wish you were never born.”
  • “I hate you!”
  • “Can you just fuck off already?”
  • “Shut up! Just.. Shut up!”
  • “All you do is whine.”
  • “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
  • “I can’t do this anymore. Not with you.”
  • “How did that feel?”
  • “Oh my god, I don’t care!”
  • “No wonder nobody likes you.”
  • “Is this how little you think of me?”
  • “That hurt you son of a bitch…”
  • “Pack your shit and go. Get the fuck out of my sight!”
  • “Leave me alone!”
  • “I can break your nose if I want to.”
  • “Are you going to cry now?”
  • “I wouldn’t miss you. Nobody would.”
  • “You’re so pathetic!”
  • “I won’t forget this.”
  • “I’m going to break your jaw if you keep talking!”
  • “Why can’t you listen to a single thing I say?!”
  • “I have a right to be angry.”
  • “This would have never happened if you wouldn’t exist.”
  • “Get out of my life!”
  • “You’re nothing! Did you hear me?! Nothing!”
  • “You ruined everything.”

(Request by anon: could you do a reid smut where they’re at a party and the reader is down about something and her friend jokes that she deserves a guy who’ll put her needs;) first and so reid gets all dominant and stuff?)

(This isn’t my first smut - I write smut over on Wattpad - however, it is my first Spencer smut so please go easy on me, aha xD)

Warnings ~ smut


———-


“(Y/N), hun, are you ready?” You heard Garcia knock on your bedroom door.

Rossi was throwing another one of his parties which just so happened to coincide with your breakup. JJ and Garcia had flocked over to your house so you could all get ready together. You knew what they were all doing and you found it sweet that the team were trying to cheer you up.

You sighed. “Yep. Coming.” You grabbed your purse and followed Garcia outside where JJ’s car was waiting.


———–


You had eventually sneaked over to a secluded part of Rossi’s garden to be alone. You sat on a chair, drink in hand and deep in thought.

“Are you okay?”

The voice came from behind you and you jumped before realising it was your friend, Spencer.

“I’m still kind of reeling from the whole breakup. Part of me is upset, part of me is glad. Should I be glad?” You looked over at Spencer who sat on the chair opposite you.

He nodded. “You should. The guy was an asshole, (Y/N). He didn’t deserve you.”

You smiled at your friend. “You’re too sweet to me, Spence.”

Your phone beeped in your purse and you quickly pulled it out. Your best friend (Y/F/N) had been texting you all night making sure you were okay. This text was different though.

“Oh, my God. She’s lost it.” You let out a laugh as you read the text.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing. (Y/F/N) just says ‘You deserve a guy who would willingly wrap your legs around his neck’. She’s nuts.” You snorted, taking another sip of your drink. You glanced at Spencer who was licking his lips, his gaze at the floor.

“Come on.” He finally said after a few moments of silence, grabbing your hand and pulling you back into the house.

While everyone was busy chatting and drinking, Spencer continued to pull you upstairs into one of Rossi’s bathrooms. Unsure of what was happening, you opened your mouth to speak before you were pushed against the bathroom door.

Spencer’s lips descended on yours, his hand reaching over to lock the door as his other one gripped your waist. His tongue traced the bottom of your lip as his hand fondled your ass. Your slight whimper at his touch granted him access, his tongue skillfully roaming your mouth as your hands reached up to tug at his hair.

Spencer’s hands trailed down from your waist to the backs of your thighs and you jumped, legs wrapping around his waist. He turned and placed you on the tank of the toilet, his cold fingers making you shiver as he inched your panties down from under your skirt. Throwing them to the side, Spencer sat himself on the lid of the toilet seat.

Parting your legs and positioning them over his shoulders, his tongue delicately licked your clit. You hissed at the contact, your hand instinctively reaching for his hair. Spencer smirked against your sex before beginning to suck at your clit.

Your head rolled back, eyes closing. “Spence, stop teasing - Oh!”

You let out a moan as his tongue dipped inside your folds. His tongue continued to be relentless by thrusting in and out of you, rapidly wiggling up and down your sex, focusing on your clit for a long while. He didn’t bother to use his fingers - he wanted to make you come with just his tongue.

Spencer groaned as you started thrusting to meet his tongue, your moans spurring him on. He responded by capturing your clit between his lips and sucking hard, his tongue drawing small patterns against it.

“Spence, I’m going to- oh, God.” You clamped a hand over your mouth, afraid the team would hear your moans and think something was wrong. Your hand gripped his hair tighter as you felt your climax descending over you.

Spencer’s hands gripped your thighs tighter to prevent you from falling as you rode out your orgasm. As you sat there panting trying to catch your breath, his fingers traced small circles on your thighs.

Very gently, he placed a kiss on each thigh before standing up and cupping your face. You tasted your own arousal on his lips as he kissed you sweetly, his demeanour changing from dominant back to his usual timid, sweet self.

You pulled away, still trying to catch your breath. “Where did that come from?” You smiled at your friend.

He gave you his usual lopsided grin. “You deserve someone who would willingly wrap your legs around his head.” he recited. “And I’m more than willing to do that.”

————————-

I’m going to hell for y'all. Keep the requests coming! I’m splitting my time between finishing my requests on wattpad and my requests on here but for once, I’m actually ahead of schedule aha. 💕

Apothecary Lesson #1: Herbal Salve

     Well, it was bound to happen at some point. Hello everybody, my name is Davide, and today, I’m going to teach you guys how to make a salve. Basically, a salve is an oil and wax mixture that people can use for a bunch of different reasons, ranging from dry skin to muscle rubs. They’re easy to make, if you’re patient, and their variability makes for endless possibilities. Just as a warning though, this will take a goddamn long time to make, and for you to read, so I suggest getting some tea and snackilackage before starting to read. Got it? Good, ¡vamos!


Part One: The Oil

     A key component of your salve is the oil, or more specifically, the herbs in said oil. There’s a plethora of different oils you could in your salve, but for this recipe, we’re using olive oil because it’s fairly hardy and difficult to burn. When it comes to what you should or could put in your oil, there’s waaaaaay too many things for me to mention, so I’ll give a basic rundown: 

  • Mint, Anise, Cinnamon, and Comfrey are good for muscle rubs
  • Calendula, Chamomile, Aloe, and Tea Tree Oil are good for skin
  • Ginger and Turmeric are good as arthritis pain relievers
  • Echinacea, Eucalyptus, and Hibiscus are antibacterial and are good for minor scrapes, cuts and bruises

Now that you’ve got an idea of some herbs to use, let’s get to how to make your oil 

Ingredients:

  • 12 oz. Olive oil
  • 3-4 oz. dried and/or ground herbs

Utensils:

  • Double-boiler set up (can be a double-boiler, or a glass container in a saucepan filled with about 1″ of water) 
  • dark-tinted jar w/ label for holding your finished oil

Instructions:

  1. Into your double-boiler (the part without the water…duh), pour in your olive oil and herbs. 
  2. Set your stove/heating receptacle to low heat, placing double-boiler on heat. 
  3. Infuse oils for 1-2 hours (one hour for minimum infusion amount, two hours for maximum infusion amount before oil goes rancid) 
  4. Once oil is done, pour into your dark-tinted jar, and label accordingly
  5. Voila! You have yourself some bonafide herbal oil for the next part of your salve!

Part Two: The Salve

     Alright, now we’re getting to the good stuff–the salve. For this, you’re going to need 2 ingredients (three ingredients is optional, four is overkill): beeswax and your herbal oil. Without further ado, let’s get this over with! :D 

Ingredients:

  • 1 oz. Beeswax
  • 8 oz. Herbal Oil 
  • *Optional*: ¼ tsp. essential oil
  • *Optional*: the tears and/or blood of your enemies

Utensils:

  • Double-boiler system
  • Containers to hold your salve (the total amount of salve being made is approximately 9 oz., so for the containers, try to prioritize. Like, if you want three different jars of salves, use three 3 oz. jars. Math n’ shit)

Instructions:

  1. Set your stove to medium-low heat
  2. Into your double-boiler, melt your wax
  3. Once the wax has melted–it’s imperative that your wax has to be completely melted before adding the oil–add your herbal oil. 
  4. Stir fully (it’s not weird to see the wax immediately harden once you add the herbal oil, so wait until it fully re-melts)
  5. Once salve is all liquid, pour into your container(s). Do not cover your containers before they harden.
  6. Once salve has cooled at room temperature, it’s ready to use! Store in a cool, dry place. Apply to problem areas, or just lather it all over your body and have really weird sex (You do you boo boo)

Thanks for reading you guys! I’d enjoy a reblog, a reshare, or if you hated it, a strongly worded message to me and probably a few images of you flipping the bird. Have an amazing day/afternoon/night/time-between-night-and-morning

Okay, so going off the whole space Australia thing, imagine aliens would think of ACTUAL AUSTRALIA. Humans are batshit insane, we do some crazy shit, but a decent amount of us are shocked by the mere concept of living in Australia. That place is no joke, it’s a death trap of a continent that somehow became a badass country. You don’t fuck with Australia.

Alien: what is a kangaroo?

Human: oh, it’s an animal from Australia. They hop around and the carry their kids in pouches. They may be cute, but don’t get them angry, they can kill you.

The…the human is actually WARNING them of something? The human is AFRAID?

Human: that’s just Australia for you, though. Literally EVERYTHING on that continent can kill you, so I guess it’s not THAT off. Be careful if you ever go to Australia, though. It’s a very dangerous place.

And this all of the aliens avoid Australia at all costs because if the fucking HUMANS are scared then it must be the most dangerous and frightening place ever.

My Fake boyfriend Part 8

Summary: After receiving a very rude letter of your ex on the mail saying that he is going to get married. You see yourself not knowing what to do, you can just let it go or accept the help of your hot neighbor and pretend he is your boyfriend.

Paring: Bucky x Reader

Words: 2910

Warnings: Just fuffly and maybe some aganst

Thank you @drinkfantasy you are the best

Originally posted by seabasschino

Before the war Bucky always liked kids and always imagined having a few of his own. But now? Kids were usually afraid of him and the ones that weren’t afraid, their parents wouldn’t let they get close. Bucky knew how much you liked kids and seeing you with your nephew at dinner last night warmed his heart.  

During the dinner you kept doing silly faces to Julian and telling him little secrets. This opened something in his mind that he never thought that he would have again, the possibility of a family.

You were so happy yesterday and he wanted to make you happy even that he was terrified. After your mother left the room, you pull him into a tight hug “We are gonna have so much fun.” You whisper in his ear, he can feel how excited you are and somehow this makes his fears disappear.

Keep reading

Cheeky Affairs

Notes: This doodle was so adorable the words just flew out, I couldn’t help it x)

Warning: word vomit, FLUFF 


“You guys lost,” smirked Gray.

Knowing exactly what that’d do to Natsu.

“You don’t have to keep repeating that ice-face!” he yelled snappily at the smug mage.

“Gray is correct,” Erza said sagely, from where she was perched next to Gray on the hotel bed, though it wasn’t hard to notice how she was gloating as well. “And so you have to face punishment set by us!”

“N-now now,” said Lucy, seated on the floor next to Natsu, holding up her palms in a placating manner, “we don’t have to get too excited over the punishment.”

“Yeah, but we still are,” said Gray, not taking his amused eyes off Nastu’s huge pout. “You didn’t reach the mayor’s office first, we did. And the spoils of war go to us.”

“What war? It was just a race!

“Spoils of the race, then!”

“I don’t think that - ”

“Would you just tell us what it is already?!” yelled Natsu, unable to stand another second of Gray being any kind of winner.

Gray and Erza exchanged a not so subtle glance at each other before nodding.

“Well this is gonna be exciting,” muttered a very excited Happy from behind his paws.

“You two,” said Erza grandly, “have to be close!”

“Well that’s stupid. We already are, she’s my beat friend,” said Natsu, missing Lucy’s flushed, but pleased smiled.

“What she means to say is, you’ll have to be physically close,” said Gray.

“What!?” yelled a now very obviously flustered Lucy. “That’s - no - you can’t - I’m not - this - rude - ”

“Woah, woah! Lucy, why’d you head go straight to the gutter?” teased Gray.

Lucy stilled and took on an even brighter hue. “W-well you said…”

“Sit on his lap,” commanded Erza. And no one refused an Erza command.

Sighing deeply and wondering why such things only happened to her, Lucy gingerly got off the floor, turning towards Natsu. It really didn’t help her situation when he only leaned back, smiling, resting his weight on his palms as if offering his lap saying - ‘Come here, it’s all yours.’

Somehow she managed to sit daintily, doing her best to not put too much of her weight on him. The only positive she could find was that with her back facing him, Natsu couldn’t see her expressions.

“That looks really awkward,” Gray commented, titling his head to one side, as if judging a painting.

Erza and Happy nodded their agreement with equal seriousness, heads titling as well.

Lucy was about to made a snide remark at them when she felt her entire seated self being lifted into the air.

Natsu, in an act of weirdly good non-combat coordination, turned her around to face him, before placing her back onto his lap.

Much to Lucy’s only growing embarrassment.

“That’s much better!” Natsu declared cheerfully.

In the background now, Erza, Gray and Happy were all exhibiting varying levels of interest at the scene before them.

“N-no it’s not!” argued Lucy in a soft voice.

“How come? You’re sitting more comfortably now and I can see you!”

“Don’t you see how close this is? How inti - oh, never mind,” she gave up, rolling her eyes before dropping her face into her palms.

“Hey now,” he said softly, “don’t be like that.” He drew her hands away from her face and held her chin, titling her head towards his own.

Lucy flushed.

Erza was scarlet.

Even Gray turned slightly pink - 

Happy wondered where he could get fish flavoured pop-corn for this.

And Natsu simply pulled Lucy’s cheeks. Wide.

“Hahahahahahaahahahahahaha! Oh man, Lucy you look so funny!”

And everyone deflated, hopes of anything fluffy happening to their secret ship now leaving them. Except a now pissed Lucy.

“Oh yeah? Let’s see how you like it!” she challenged, pulling at his cheeks while he was still laughing.

With his moving and her practically leaping at his face, her hand happened to misfire, and ended up hooking a cheek.

Not one to go down over a blooper, she dug her other thumb into his mouth as well, before quite genuinely laughing at what she had made of Natsu’s face.

“T-that’s even funnier!”

“Wha the he’ Luhee, wea sahosed ta be a ‘eam!”

“Well you did it fir-”

Natsu took his chance to hook her cheeks as well, thus beginning a tug of (cheeks) war between the two.

Meanwhile, the rest of their team were looking on in quiet disappointment laced with a smidgen of disbelief at the two, and how they chose to respond to sitting so intimately together.

“Well what did you expect,” Gray finally said to Erza. “They’re as daft as they come.”

Erza was now in the very depths of self-battering hell. “It was because I didn’t try hard enough. I should have committed fully to the endeavour. Should I asked them to have taken their clothes off? Set a part of Lucy on fire for the appeal? Maybe - ”

Gray, horrified with where Erza was going with this, decided that she needed to get away from her match-making efforts.

Match-making? Mira. Another bet maybe? Oh jeez.

He nodded to Happy and they both gently lifted Erza off the bed and outside for a walk that they hoped would do her (and Natsu and Lucy’s chances at a long life) some good, leaving behind the two wrestling best friends, not bothering with notifying them.

“Le’ goh oh ma sheeks, Nahshu!”

“Nah unlil you do ferse!”

“You - ouch!”

And Natsu knew what had caused that yelp of pain. Immediately, he let go of her cheeks, and let her hastily withdraw her own hands as well.

He always forgot his fangs had potential to hurt. And now thanks to that Lucy had quite a nick on her palm.

Without much of a thought, he did what he always did - what came first to mind.

He licked it.

Keep reading

So I play in a group of seven, and two of the people are married in real life. We were in Gryrax (a dwarven city) during Brewfest and just having fun. Our dwarf, the husband, couldn’t come to the game but his wife, the priestess, could. She has been trying to marry him in game for months, but he refuses.

DM: You walk into the tavern, and there’s a festivities everywhere. On the far side of the room there’s a large table and (rolls dice) there’s a wedding happening on top of it.

Priestess: … I take Jandro (dwarf) to get a drink.

DM: Okay, you go and sit at the bar and are shown the specials list.

Priestess: I order the strongest drink!

DM: You tell the bartender what you want, but he eyes you skeptically and warns you that the beer is magical.

Priestess: I get two beers. I give one to Jandro.

DM: He’s very happy, and thanks you. He’s drunk now.

Priestess: I pour my love potion into the second beer, and give that to him too.

DM: Oh no. Okay, since he’s not here he has a higher chance to save vs. the love potion. (Rolls dice) … Jandro looks at you with adoration.

Priestess: I tell him I want to get married, right now. I ask him to marry me, and go to the table with the wedding.

DM: but, he’s not even- Okay, he gets one more save (fails) … You go up to the table where there’s a priest standing. The previous wedding is over now, and the two of you get on the table and say your vows.

Priestess: I spend the rest of the game on our honeymoon.

(Next game)

DM: I tried to stop her.

Dwarf: … .

Voltron fic recs, the first

Yoo, lets get this show on the road! I’ve had a number of requests for this and since I very obviously have a Fanfic Problem, I thought I’d inflict it on the rest of you poor sods. 

As with any rec list, please pay attention to the tags and warnings <3

A Fish and A Bird - 13K; klance; Lance has a boyfriend. Lance does not realize he has a boyfriend. Keith, understandably, does not react well.

i bet you look good on the dancefloor - 43K; klance; Lance McClain’s dancing career begins and ends with Keith. Keith just wants to find out what Lance’s deal is.

The Coxcomb - 56K (WIP); shklance; Lance takes the job for the money. Love is apparently a package deal. [AKA the stripper AU you didn’t know you needed]

The Fox and the Hounds - 21K (WIP); shklance; Lance McClain, better known as Blue, is the greatest thief in the history of the world; no treasure is safe from him. Stealing the hearts of two beautiful detectives, though? That gets a little hairier.

call me, beep me - 85K; klance; (00:31) Do you think she gave me the wrong number on purpose? [Wherein Lance messages the wrong number and things kind of snowball from there…]

Homesick at Space Camp - 33K (WIP); klance; “He can’t marry the princess because he’s already married to me!” For the sake of intergalactic diplomacy Lance and Keith have to pretend to be married. And they have to be convincing about it…

Best Game Ever

Originally posted by mayfifolle


Request from an awesome anon: “I loved your most recent mark smut! can I request a Mark smut with dom!mark with dry humping but then he can’t take it anymore and yeah”

Hope you enjoy love, I made it a little fluffy too :)

Warnings: Adult Content


“Alright you guys, I’m going to bed. Goodnight” Youngjae said, getting up from the couch.

You and Mark smiled at him.

“Goodnight, Sunshine,” you said as he made his way to his room.

One by one the guys dropped like flies during your movie night. They had practice earlier that day and were so exhausted. Youngjae was the last of them.

Now it was just you and Mark, alone.

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Why shipping abusive relationships in fiction does not mean that you support or excuse abuse: an essay

Sigh.  Okay.  Hi, I’m a long term shipper of Hannigram and Sauron/Celebrimbor with two degrees that basically amount to art analysis and the institutional teaching of historical and context and analysis.  I was hoping I could just get away with not writing a long post about this but now that I’ve seen the excessive amount of hate in the Percival Graves/Credence Barebone tags…sigh.  okay.  Let’s talk about shipping abusive relationships in fiction, and how shipping abusive relationships is not necessarily glorifying or normalizing abuse.

SPOILERS BELOW FOR FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM.

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Don’t Say Anything (part 5)

Summary: You finally decide to tell Bucky that you’ve been in love with him since the day you met but what happens when you walk in on him with a girl? And not just any girl; Natasha.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Pietro Maximoff

A/N: Hiiiii sorry for the wait!


“What’s wrong? You bolted out of there so fast.” Bucky says, stepping inside your room.

You pull away from the hug but Wanda doesn’t fully release you from her hold. “I’m fine, I just felt sick.”

His eyebrows knit together. “Sick? Do you need me to get you some medicine? How sick? Like nausea? Stomach pains?”

“She’s fine now, Bucky.” Wanda snapped. “You can go back to the kitchen. I’ve got her.”

She was shooting daggers into his head. If looks could kill, he’d be dead. Bucky genuinely looked confused towards Wanda’s glares and her tone. He looks at you as if waiting for confirmation and you rub your eyes.

“Go, Bucky, I’m fine, really.” you say.

A look flashes over his features, something you can’t quite decipher before he turns around and leaves your room. You let out a sigh and turn back to Wanda who was frowning.

“That oblivious asshole.” she muttered under her breath.

“Can we just forget about him for like, forever?” you groan, causing Wanda to laugh.

“Whatever you want, Y/N.” she says. “Ooo! How about we go see my brother tomorrow! I know you haven’t seen him in a while and it’ll be good for you to get away from Bucky for a day.”

You shrug. “Yeah, okay. I miss that squirt anyways.”

“I’m sure he misses you too.” she lets you go and nods over to your bed. “Get some sleep. We’ll leave around eight.”

“Isn’t Pietro gonna get mad that we’re there so early? He’s not a morning person.” you say, sitting on your bed.

“Yeah but it’s alright. He’ll get over it.” Wanda shrugged.

You laugh and climb into bed, watching as Wanda left your room after bidding you goodnight. You lay there for a bit, excited that you would be seeing Pietro tomorrow.


“Get up!” Wanda shouted before jumping on you. “Get up, get up, get up!”

You let out an annoyed groan and reach over, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at the brunette. “Shut. Up.”

Wanda smiles. “Come on, we gotta hit the road.”

“I haven’t even had breakfast yet, Wanda.” you whine, opening one eye to look at her.

“We’ll go get breakfast with Pietro now come on.” she pulls you up and out of bed before handing you some clothes. “I took the liberty of getting some clothes for you. Hurry up and take a shower.”

You playfully roll your eyes and snatch the clothes from her, disappearing into the bathroom. You have absolutely no idea how someone can be so happy in the morning. After taking a shower and getting dressed, you find Wanda in the living room, on her phone.

“I’m ready.” you announce with a smile.

“Ready for what?” a groggy voice says from behind you. Both you and Wanda turn around, seeing Bucky standing there. It’s clear that he’s just woken up.

“We’re going to see my brother.” Wanda smiled. Bucky tenses up.

“Oh.” he nods. “Are you sure you have to go? I wanted to do something with you today.” he looks directly at you as he spoke.

“Um..” you cough. “Yeah. I haven’t seen Pietro in a while and I miss him.”

All he does is nod. The awkward silence makes it’s way towards you and Bucky but before it could get too awkward, Wanda comes up beside you and grabs your upper arm.

“Come on Y/N.”

You don’t hesitate, letting her drag you away from Bucky and out of the building, to her car. “I froze, oh my god I’m such an idiot. That was such an awkward silence and I hate awkward silences.”

Wanda puts the car in drive. “Don’t think about it too much.”


After a very long drive (actually it was only 20 minutes but you get very moody when you’re hungry) you finally make it to Pietro’s apartment. You go to knock but Wanda grabs your hand, stopping you.

“What? I’m gonna knock.” you say. She shakes her head and digs around her pocket before pulling out a key.

“I have a key. He gave it to me for emergencies only.” she tells you before unlocking the door.

The scent of vanilla dances around you as the two of you enter his apartment.

“He’s probably still sleeping.” Wanda whispered to you. She starts walking to Pietro’s room and you follow closely behind. Wanda quietly opens the door, revealing a sleeping Pietro facing the door. He was laying on his stomach and his face was squished into the pillow. He looked at peace.

You smile and walk towards his bed, laying down next to him while Wanda stood at the foot of his bed. She quietly counted to 3 before jumping on top of him, much similar to what she did to you that morning, and shouted ‘get up’. Pietro’s eyes snap open and he gasps, looking over at Wanda before glaring at her while she laughed.

“What the hell, младшая сестра!” he shouts, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m not little.” she states, moving over to sit down.

“I’m twelve minutes older than you.”

Wanda rolls her eyes before nodding her head over to you. “I brought you a present.”

“Thanks for objectifying me.” you spoke. Pietro looks over at you and a huge grin takes place on his lips.

“Y/N!” his arm reaches over and pulls you towards him, causing you to become squished between his arm and his chest.

“Hey Piet.” you laugh.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asks after hugging you.

“Can’t I just come by and see my loving brother with my friend?” Wanda sighs.

“You never want to see me.”

“Fine, you caught me.” she says. “Bucky has been giving her a hard time so I thought I’d bring her here to get away from him.”

Pietro looks at you. “Bucky’s been giving you a hard time?”

“Something like that.”

Pietro looks at you then at Wanda, obviously waiting for one of you to fill him in. Wanda rolls her eyes and looks over to you. “Can I tell him?”

You and Pietro look at each other and you nod. “Sure.”

And so Wanda tells Pietro everything, him nodding to signal that he understood what was being said. When she was done, he scoffed. “I could have told you that she liked Bucky.”

You and Wanda give him a look. “You mean you knew?”

“Yeah, it was obvious.” he shrugged.

“How did you find out? I never told anyone that I liked him.” you spoke.

“You didn’t have to.” he tells you. “Your body language says everything. Every time you were near Bucky you’d tuck your hair behind your ears and play with your fingers.”

“How did you-”

“I spend a lot of time studying people. I can’t believe no one has found out about your little crush.”

Wanda chuckled. “I wouldn’t call it little.”

You glare at her.

“Leave my love alone.” Pietro huffed, kicking his sister.

“I didn’t come here to be bullied.”

“Then you shouldn’t have came.”

“You know what-”

“Ugh, you guys are such siblings.” you roll your eyes at the two and they laugh. “Now that you’re all filled in on my tragic love life, can we go get something to eat because Wanda’s been starving me.”

Pietro chuckled. “Yeah, let me get changed.”


A/N: I’m. So. Tired. Anyways, bit short but oh whale. Tell me what ya think!

Tags:

@your-puddin @heismyhunter @buchananbarnestrash @live-in-the-now10 @jcb2k16 @plumqueenbucky @thefandomplace @chocolatereignz @blueberry-pens @professionally-crazed @idk-something-amazing-i-guess @almondbuttercup @janetgenea @buckysmetallicstump @flowercrownsandmetallicarms @rvb-and-marvel-shit @ouatalways @winterboobaer @thyotakukimkim @hattnco @millaraysuyai @themercurialmadhatter @miss-jessi29 @snakesgoethe @helloitsgrc @welcometothecasmofsar @aboxinthestars @feelthemusicfuckwhatheyresaying @fandommaniacx @hatterripper31 @coffeeismylife28 @bunchofandoms @bobabucky @under-dah-sea @amrita31199 @sebstanthemanxo @mrs-brxghtside @erinvanlyssel @amistillmyself @buckyandsebsinbin @ballerinafairyprincess @spnhybrid @marvel-fanfiction @queen–valeskaxx @bucky-with-the-metal-arm @sophia-wyszkowski @sebstantrashx @rebekastan98 @gingerbatchwife @hellstempermentalangel @wunnywho @lenia1d @annieluc @theassetseyeliner @cutefandomsdaily @kenobi-and-barnes @softwintersoldier @stevette60 @imgettingmarriedtobuckybarnes @damnbuckyishot @melconnor2007 @castiel-barnes @confuzzled-panda @academic-poltergeist @skeletoresinthebasement @faunwaster @i-wished-upon-a-star-one-night @the-violent-peach @clumsygirl465 @nylalushlifexx @iarnasoldat @captainmqmeep @secillyfrantic @twisted1ginger @labyrinth-of-storylines @fandomlover2001 @moreinfinite @buckybarnesismypreciousplum @kawaiiiestelle @cartoncitodeleche @glittercoveredsouls @marrvelle @bossassbandwhore @badassbaker @buckyappreciationsociety @bvckys-doll @buckys-baby @ok-ladies-lets-get-in-formation @imamotherfuckingstar-lord @dream-equine @iamwarrenspeace @goldenrain2 @38leticia @lexadiggory @j25m18c24

My Fake boyfriend Part 7

Summary: After receiving a very rude letter of your ex on the mail saying that he is going to get married. You see yourself not knowing what to do, you can just let it go or accept the help of your hot neighbor and pretend he is your boyfriend.

Paring: Bucky x Reader

Words: 2273

Warnings: SO MUCH FUFFLY

A/n: Thanks to @drinkfantasy for being my beta. You rock.

credits to the gif owner

Originally posted by winterwldow

Bucky gets off of the bench, offering you his hand. You accept gladly smiling at him, but his mind can’t focus on anything now. Would you let him kiss you? Would you be mad at him for asking? Maybe you would just politely decline; he wouldn’t blame you for not being attracted to him.

In the dinner room everybody is already sitting waiting for the two of you, including an old couple that he assumes to be Lucas’ parents and the way they are looking at you leaves him no doubts.

He sits by your side on the table watching as you smile at him and he kisses your hand. It is a small gesture, sure real couples do this all the time but it was also a way for him to say that things were alright between you two.

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Something To Enjoy (Jackson x Reader x Namjoon smut)

A/N: This has been in my inbox forever so I apologise for only just getting around to it now. There isn’t much bondage because in all honestly, I don’t really know how to write about that, but I hope you enjoy it anyway   ^^ 

Warnings: daddy kink, threesome, bad language? 

Words: 4502

You weren’t too sure how you had come to be in the situation you were in. One night with one too many drinks and a wild imagination and here you were, your wrists loosely but firmly tied to your bedframe with a black and white bandana and a matching red and white one covering your eyes, blocking out your vision. You could feel the bed shifting beneath you but with two of your senses unable to be used, you had no clue what was going on in front of you. You could hear the quiet whispers of your boyfriend, Jackson and one of his best friends, Namjoon, but you could barely make out what they were saying which made you a whole lot more anxious about how this night was going to unfold.

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Caught Off Guard // Im Jaebum (M) (AU!)

Originally posted by jitonic

Pairing: Jaebum x Reader

Genre: Smut, Officer!Jaebum, Dom!Jaebum

Summary; After stealing an expensive bracelet with the intentions of pawning it for cash, you get arrested by the malls security officer - and you offer him a deal he can’t refuse.

This scenario is rated M for MATURE as it contains smut - rough sex, handcuffs, general behaviour that you would actually go to jail for so please do not aTTEMPT THIS AT HOME YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

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Period

I just found your blog and saw you were doing requests. Can you do one where the reader has been on the island for a month and she has her period and Pan and the lost boys don’t know what to do when she gets moody and has her cramps ..

warnings: mild swearing
848 words

You always knew this day would come. It lay in the deep recesses of your mind, allowing you to live in ignorant bliss with a false sense of freedom until the day came again, and it seemed as if you had forgotten a day like this even existed in all the excitement surrounding your arrival in Neverland. And although time is frozen here on the island, the days - and months - still go on as usual, bring you ever-closer to…

Your period.

And it was total shit.

“Out of my way,” you sniped at one of the younger Lost Boys, who was rolling around in a fit of giggles in front of the weapons pile. “Fucking move,” you commanded again, quite irritated when he didn’t budge. The small boy scurried away as you selected your pick of daggers to train with that day, grumbling in pain all the while.

It hurt like hell, the cramps. All you wanted to do was lay in your cot and die, but alas, there was work to be done on the island, and you would not be thought helpless amongst the boys, whom you had gained respect from this past month.

It had been a couple of days since your menstrual cycle had begun, and the Lost Boys were quite taken aback by your foul mood. Sure, you were already sharp-tongued and authoritative, but you had never been so…bitchy. And scary. Good God, the boys had no idea what to do with you. Hell, you had nearly sliced off Felix’s ear after he asked you what was wrong. He barely had anytime to dodge the dagger you chucked at him, just missing his head by a hair.

You had had enough of dealing with your period in the uncomfortable conditions of your tent for two nights, so this evening, you planned to walk to the beach. Exercise had always alleviated the pain, so perhaps this would also help your mood.

Nothing.

This walk had helped with nothing, and you were lying in the sand, clutching at your abdomen, cursing and swearing as you rode out the waves of pain.

“Tut, tut. Such foul language, dearest,” drawled a voice from behind.

“Fuck off, Pan,” you seethed. You sat up, knowing full well that he probably would do anything but that. Peter Pan took a seat next to you, chuckling as he did so.

“Touchy, are we?”

You snarled at him.

“I’m afraid to ask, since you almost gave Felix another scar when he popped the question but, I’m intrigued. What is the matter, love?”

You sighed, mostly out of annoyance rather than surrender. “Fine,” you began. “I’m on my period.”

Pan looked at you blankly. “Your-”

“Period? You know, menstrual cycle? Every month there’s a week where blood gushes out of my vagi-”

“I KNOW, I KNOW WHAT IT IS!” Pan heaved, face a bit blanched as he looked at you with a strange expression, mouth a bit open and gaping as his cheeks tinged pink. You didn’t know what to make of his face. And you don’t know what it was, but something in his features seemed almost comical in that moment, and you giggled. You laughed.

You chortled.

Pan hadn’t the slightest clue what to do as he just gaped at your insanity, and pretty soon, he was chuckling as well. You were lying on the sand clutching your abdomen once more, not in pain this time, but in laughter. Pan simply gazed down at you, secretly relieved that you didn’t seem to be hurting.

After the bubbling glee had died down somewhat, you were left with a small smile upon your lips.

“Ah, that’s better,” Pan said.

“What is?”

“Well, you’re not snarling at me, so that’s always good.” You scowled at him, and he laughed again. “What I mean to say is that it’s better now that you’re smiling. Or, you were, at least.”

You smirked at that and turned away from him to face the ocean, rising up on your elbows. Although you had forgotten about the pain for a while, you could feel it edging back now, and you huffed in protest.

“Do you need anything?”

You raised a brow and looked at him. Did the magic-wielding jerk just offer his help?

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He eyed you suspiciously, and you stared at him for a long moment before replying.

“Tea, would be nice. And some more cloth.”

Pan smirked at your request. “Anything else, Your Highness?”

“Hey-” you tossed a bit of sand at him. “You asked.” Pan chuckled and stood up, offering you a hand. You got up as well, and as you brushed sand off your clothes, Pan could barely refrain from asking his next question.

“Does it hurt?”

A mischievous glint cast over your eye as you replied smoothly, “Not as much as it does to have talk to you.”

“Alright, alright.” Pan ran a hand through his dusty brown hair, and you smiled to yourself as the pair of you walked back to camp together.

anonymous asked:

do you know any spells for weight loss?

Obligatory health warning: be careful with weight loss spells at this point, but… Be very clear in your intentions, and how you intend to lose weight (seriously); specifying a desired goal is also a great idea to make sure you don’t lose too much, because that could make you extremely sick. Be careful, please; obviously I can’t tell you what not to do with your own body, but things can get dangerous with weight loss spells. So, again, just make sure you’re clear in your intentions, even to the point of specifying how you want to lose the weight (from more exercise, better diet, etc.).

I would also recommend doing lifestyle changes before and in conjunction with weight loss spells, even going so far as to recommend seeing a doctor to see what a healthy plan could be for you.

Spells

Sigils